Monday, March 2, 2009

Ordinary world



What has happened to me?
Crazy, some would say
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away

lyrics from the song Ordinary World by Duran Duran


Many of my posts go back in time as I reorganize my journals. This entry was inspired by the featured song, Ordinary World recorded by Duran Duran. 


As I listened to music one lonely night in November several years ago, very depressed and still struggling with my new reality, feeling abandoned by everything that was normal in my ordinary world.

The dreaded holidays were approaching and I was feeling very alone in the world . . . they were no longer joyous for me and I wanted to hide. I spent the holidays completely alone that year . . . it is what I needed. Being around “normalcy” made me feel like more of a freak than I already did.

Dealing with grief is the hardest thing that we can do as humans . . . and it is my greatest hope to help others who are thinking they are going crazy as a result of changed life circumstances. Those who have lost their spouse go through a difficult time, some worse than others. He was my everything . . . and he took a part of me with him . . . life as I knew it was gone and everything changed.

I’ve finally admitted that my suicidal tendencies were screaming at me and seemed like a romantic fantasy . . . a way out of the eternal hell that was my life. Fighting them was a difficult endeavor, but I did. The words “this too shall pass” held my faith together to make it through another day, sometimes another moment.

It is taking me a very long time to come back to life, but I feel like I have truly moved on even if I have not moved on with a new partner . . . I’ve had to find myself all over again and my journey is still not over. Blogging and letting out my emotions into words has saved my life. Looking back helps to see the tremendous progress and gives me so much hope for the future.

I remember this night vividly . . . this song played over and over again, I wanted to feel all of the emotions I was feeling as I sat in my dark room, still a smoker, smoking one cigarette after another, a very strong rum and coke in the other hand. I didn’t stop until I drank myself to sleep.

My serious drinking days are over and I have been a non-smoker for over two years . . . I made it through those dark days and now I know I can make it through anything . . .


November . . . several years ago . . .

I am learning how to survive alone in this world as a widow . . . it isn’t always easy, mainly it is a lonely existence I didn’t in my wildest dreams expect to ever be in. My life was set . . . my ordinary world was perfect for me . . . I was happy, so content in my paradise with the man that I committed my life to so many years before. Where is the world I recognize?

It is like a distant memory after all these years . . . almost surreal, like a dream . . . “Here today, forgot tomorrow.” This song brings those feelings of fading memories to mind. It is so sad how life goes on although it must . . . what is the alternative? A life of no life? No matter how difficult, one must move on . . . leaving what once was behind, looking back with melancholy memories.

What has happened to me? Where are my friends when I need them the most? My spirit has been broken, my friends changed as did my status as a person in this world. I was no longer a married lady . . . I was suddenly single in my ordinary world of married couples that I could no longer fit in with.

As I’ve tried to find my way to the "ordinary world," I’ve learned so much about people . . . about friends . . . about family . . . I’m learning how to survive on my own, alone, because no one is guaranteed to be there to help you do it . . . many run for fear you may need something from them. Let them run . . . I need strength, not fear . . . as I find the strength from within.

A favorite song is like an old friend, faithful and true . . . always there when you need it.  Today I needed to hear “Ordinary World” and contemplate on what the words of this song means to me.   It has always been one of my favorite songs from Duran Duran, however, I had never heard it in this way . . .

In the vacuum of my heart . . . still I can’t escape the ghost of my perfect past, but I can’t cry for yesterday, it is gone . . . never to return, somehow I have to find the strength to continue on my journey to my new life which will one day be my ordinary world . . . until then I feel like a lost soul, caught between three worlds . . . yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I can relate to the lyrics of this song so much it is almost scary to me . . . the irony of art imitating life. That is one of the things I love about music . . . it is an expression of life itself . . .

There is an ordinary world somehow I have to find . . .






Lyrics
Came in from a rainy Thursday
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can’t escape the ghost of you
What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some are saying
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away
But I won’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
“Pride will tear us both apart”
Well now pride’s gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart
What is happening to me?
Crazy, some’d say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away
But I won’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
And I don’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Every one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world
Every one
Is my world

Labels

1960's 1970's 9-11 abuse abusive behavior acceptance accomplishment accomplishments acquaintances addiction adoration adversity affair affection afraid agoraphobia alive ambitions anger anticipation anxiety appreciation approval aspirations attitude attraction authenticity awareness bad behavior bad days bad times balance balance of life beginning behavior being alone beliefs believe in yourself Betsy bitterness blahs blame blessing blessings bliss boredom buddy burnout Buster calm challenges challenging times chances change changes cheating cheech and chong chemistry choices christmas cigarettes comfort zone commitment commitments communication companion compassion competitive drive confidence conflict confrontation confusion consequences consideration contemplation contentment control controversy coping coping with grief Corinthians13 courage creativity crossroads cujo cupid curse dad dating dealing with grief death deceit deception decision making defense mode denial depression desire desires destiny determination diet difficulties direction disagreements disappointment discipline dissappointment dogs doubt drama queen dream dreams eBay economy ego emotional abuse emotional baggage emotional boundaries emotional commitment emotional state emotional support emotions employment empowerment encouragement endurance escape expectations facing problems failure failures faith falling down family fantasy fate Fear fears feelings Florida flower children focus forbidden love forgiveness freaky feelings free love free will freedom friends friendship frustration frying pan moments fulfillment fun future gardening glass half full/half empty goals God good times grateful gratitude gried grief grief phases growth guidance guilt habits happiness happy hard headed harmony hate healing health helpless hermit hippie culture hippies holidays home homeless honesty hope hopeless hopes hugs humiliation hurt identity imagination impatience improvement inner strength inner struggle innovation insecurity insensitivity inspiration intense love intentions intimacy intuition irritation isolation job job satisfaction John Lennon joy jr judgment Kiki kindness laughter lessons letting go lies life life balance life challenges life change life changes life circumstances life experiences life lessons life partner life retrospect life situations life struggles lifestyle living alone loneliness lonely long distance relationship loss loss of a pet loss of control lost love lovers luck lust magic managing anxiety Mark Nepo marriage medication Memorial Day memories mental health Mimi miracles mistakes moderation moments money motivation moving on natural disasters needs negative thoughts negativity new year Nolan normal nurturing obstacles office politics online dating online love online romance opinions opportunity optimism options overwhelm pace pain pandemic paranoia passion passionate past path patience peace peace of mind perception perfection perserverance persistence personal growth personal power perspective Petey pets physical abuse pity party planning plans plants pleasure politics positive attitude positive energy positive thinking positivity possibilities prayer pride priorities problems procrastination progress prosperity purpose quality of life quit smoking reaction reactions reality reasons regrets rejection relationship relationships relax relaxation resentment resolutions respect responsibility rest restlessness retirement retreat revenge risk risks Robin Williams romance romantic love routine run away running away sacrifice sadness safe sanctuary satisfaction scared searching self-acceptance self-awareness self-confidence self-control self-defeating behavior self-esteem self-help self-improvement self-loathing self-love self-pity self-sabotage self-talk self-worth separation serendipity serenity setting goals settle sex sexual revolution simple abundance smoking social media society solitude sorrow soul soulmates stability standards state of mind strength stress strict rules strong struggle struggles stubborn subconscious feelings success suffering suicide support suppressed emotions survival surviving grief temper terrorism tests thankful Thanksgiving The Wedding Singer thinking thoughts time time travel tolerance toxic love toxic people toxic relationship tragedy transitions trigger day triggers trouble true calling trust truth unbalanced uncertainty unconditional love understanding unemployment unhappiness unresolved feelings valentines day value values valuing moments veterans day victim mentality victims vision vulnerability wants war Wayne Dyer weakness weather wedding anniversary what if widow Willie wisdom wishes withdrawal work work achievements work standards workaholic worries worry