Saturday, June 21, 2014

Perceptions of Sorrow

~ Down On Me | Heart ~

A mood of melancholy can overtake you today, blinding you to pleasures you usually value so highly. You may not know how to respond to this mind-set and may unwittingly prevent yourself from taking those actions that will bring you relief. If you allow yourself to withdraw from the world, you may find that a great weight is lifted from your shoulders. But you can further soothe yourself by reflecting upon the feelings plaguing you. The introspective activities you engage in can become the cornerstone of your efforts to regain your good spirits, and you will likely enjoy a renewed peace of mind before the day is through. 
The effect sadness has upon us is modulated by our perception of the feelings coursing through our hearts and minds. When we treat sorrow as little more than a crushing weight over which we have no power, it has the power to negatively impact our experience as a whole. If, however, we envision our low spirits as both a signal and an opportunity, we can take control of our feelings and use them to enrich ourselves through self-examination. Frequently, our sadness is an indication that we are denying some lingering issues that are capable of influencing our moods. In investigating our disposition using introspection as a tool, we can discover why we feel as we do. When you withdraw in your melancholy, you will soon come upon the cure that allows you to restore your good nature. 
 Source:  Daily Om

Overwhelming sadness has consumed me way too long.  Seems like it crept up on me and I haven't been able to shake it off.

I took a typical grief trigger day of what would have been my 34th wedding anniversary to JR way too hard . . . it was the most difficult year yet.  Maybe it is everything else going on.

The same problems persist and just won't go away anytime soon . . . it is all starting to get to me.

This too shall pass . . . just needed to let it out.

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Saturday, June 14, 2014

A message to heaven's gate . . . Happy Anniversary

~ Miss You | Rolling Stones ~

It doesn't seem like it has been 34 years since JR and I took our vows after knowing each other six months.  Everyone thought we were crazy.

It is so true that life is but a blink of an eye.  The day is so vivid in my mind as if it were yesterday, but it was a lifetime ago.  God took him from me 12 years ago and it seems like yesterday we were living a happy and content life with no idea of what was to come so abruptly and swiftly turn my life upside down.

Of all the trigger days, our wedding day has to be one that is the hardest to get through.  All the good memories come flooding back and all the hopes for the tomorrows that never came.  This is one of the most difficult things I have dealt with in my life . . . the death of my husband, my best friend.

You would think that it would get easier as the years go by . . . but I believe it is the other way around.  It is more time that has gone by that I have felt the void in my life.

I'm happily married again to The Captain, feeling so blessed to have found another great love in my life.  I wonder if other widows have such a difficult time with grief after moving on with so many years that have gone by.

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Friday, June 13, 2014

Unresolved issues

~ Pressure (Extended Ultrasound Mix) | Billy Joel ~

Finding a healthy outlet for unsettling emotions allows us to resolve them in productive ways and regain a rested state of mind. We might not realize how deeply our feelings are affecting our lives until we begin to feel overwhelmed and frustrated. Instead of trying to ignore our feelings or push them away, we can channel them into productive activities and make an effort to work through our emotions in healthy ways. Doing this empowers us, even if we can’t always resolve the situations that caused us to feel upset. By working through our emotions, we are better able to handle any situation and regain a serene state of mind. By devoting time to honoring and calming your emotions today, you can work through any unresolved issues and feel peaceful again. 
 Source:  Daily OM

Today is a beautiful, gentle rainy day and I have spent a lot of time outdoors in our carport jungle enjoying nature and letting my mind wander where it wants to go.  It is in these times of quiet relaxation that I realize how wound up I really am. Too many little things that keep hanging on end up being one huge mess.

I must admit that when overwhelm and frustration start to affect me, rather than channeling them into productive activities, I make the attempt to sweep them under the rug.

Although I know ignoring the situation will not alleviate the frustration, it is a practice that I continue to do over and over again.

Sometimes working through the emotions causes more frustration when the emotions causes warped focus and concentration.  For me, it is best to leave it alone until I am ready to handle it, one step at a time, AFTER calming myself down by doing things that bring me pleasure, like listening to music or watching something mindless on the television.  Sometimes simply enjoying nature can calm me down.  It all depends on the situation.

Of course, if the overwhelm stems from not taking care of projects because they seem too overwhelming, that is when taking very small, but productive activities toward the goal helps to work through the frustration.

I know I need to let it all go and just give it all the pressures to God . . . faith and trust is so difficult for me.

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Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Ownership of Challenges

~ This Is The Life | Amy Macdonald ~

We retake control of our personal power by becoming courageous enough to articulate, out loud and concisely, the essence of our emotions. Our assuming ownership of the challenges before us in this way empowers us to shift from one emotional state to another.

Source:  Daily Om

What about when you don't understand what you are feeling?  One can be in complete control of assuming ownership of the challenges and feel numb to the whole situation.  It is a one step, one moment at a time kind of thing.

It is not a time to make important decisions, as they may or may not be rational with this state of mind.  You can have control of your personal power and still not understand how to proceed effectively.

What if one emotional state runs into another, making it difficult to take complete control.  Maybe there is just too much going on, as the saying would have it "too much on my plate" making concentration and focus on one thing at a time extremely difficult.

This post has taken me a few days to write since I really wanted to think about this and try to put it into a perspective that makes sense to me.  Seems to me it is a compilation of all the things I've written about in this blog concerning emotions . . . fears, procrastination, feelings of unworthiness, times of weakness, and losing control.

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Friday, June 6, 2014

I am who I am!

~ One Love | Blue ~

I am who I am, and that is all I need to be.

I've actually liked myself in certain times of my life.  

The rest of my life I have hated myself.  In my realization of self-hate after JR died, I had to first admit to myself that the self-hate existed and then forgive myself, which I did.  

However, it has been quite a journey back to liking myself.  But you know, that is not good enough!  It must be love myself.

I've written about why I have hated myself at times.  It goes back to my childhood and one of the learned experiences from my parents of not being good enough.  I was never good enough in their eyes and I hated myself for it.  I longed for the acceptance I never received.

The phases of loving myself were during the successful times of my life.  I knew  I was good enough.  You know I'm my biggest critic . . . it is what I learned as a child!  I've had many successes in my life and very proud of those times, which makes the not so successful times of my life more pronounced.

Fast forward to present times.  Life experience has taught me that I am who I am and that is all I need to be.  Self-acceptance is what it is and not so easy for me.  The opinions of others are just their opinions and I am caring less each day what anyone thinks about me.

Self-acceptance is especially difficult when I'm not accomplishing anything and simply living my life.  My parents pounded "accomplishment" into my head like that is all that life was about.  That thinking is so wrong.  Accomplishment is important, but not all that should consume one's life.

I always ask myself the question "What is normal anyway" . . . and I still don't have the answer.  Never will I apologize for who I am with all my flaws and whatever "normal" is, I am not.

There are times when I backslide and start to hate myself again, but I am recognizing those times and learning how to turn it around.

I am who I am . . . a complicated contradiction of myself.

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