Friday, March 20, 2015

The Waves of Grief





It hasn't been a good time.  Sometimes life will throw some unpleasant stuff our way.  At times we go through it with flying colors, unscathed emotionally. Other times it stops us in our tracks and just doing normal, routine things are a big chore.

The other night everything got to me in a big way and I had a bit of a melt down.

A conversation with my mom started the whole thing.  She was feeling a little depressed, missing my dad, the way things were, not wanting to even sit in her back yard because it brought back good memories of times that were gone.  She cried and cried.  And it got to me.  She talked about living on borrowed time since she is getting older.  

Don't we all go through that scenario whether we want to admit it or not?

That conversation brought me to thoughts of my past and those who have passed away and left such a void in my life.  There are times I think of those special people individually, but this time, it was all of them at one time.  It was too much to handle, along with the thought of my mom's mortality . . . and mine.

I don't have many true friends.  My nature is to not trust anyone enough to let them close.  Friends have hurt me deeply in my life, so there are only a few that I trust.  Two of them have passed away since JR died.

Rose was my best friend going all the way back to junior high school.  We were silly pre-teens when we met.  She and I went through all those silly things we go through in our teen years going into our adult years. We remained best friends until she passed away a few years ago.  She was the sister I never had and my only best friend to not hurt me through all those years.  That is special.  You would not believe how many times I want to pick up the phone to share something with her . . . and I realized she has vanished from my life like a puff of smoke.  It tears me up . . .

Nolan was my neighbor of like 20 something years or so.  He had always been there to lend JR a helping hand with projects around the house, was a frequent visitor and became my angel from God after JR passed away.  His death was sudden and extra painful.  When he bought his motorcycle, I got a bad feeling. He assured me not to worry since he was the most careful driver with a respect for the motorcycle.  Well, to avoid hitting a dog on the highway, he went out of control and hit a tree.  He died instantly.  He was here one moment and the next he's gone.  I remember hearing him leave on the motorcycle that morning and his sense of adventure put a smile on my face . . . only to break my heart at the end of the day.

I started thinking about them . . . and my godfather, my aunt's mother, my biological father, my brother's mother-in-law and brother-in-law,  my nano and especially my nana who was like my mother.  All those thoughts at one time was way too much for me to handle.  

Always on my mind is JR . . . the person I committed my life to until death do we part, but I still can't get over him being gone.  I miss him and the life we shared.

Those of us who have experienced the death of someone special will go through these times.  The good and bad feelings come and go, leaving us to go on with life as usual.  Some waves of grief are rougher than others . . .




Labels

1960's 1970's 9-11 abuse abusive behavior acceptance accomplishment accomplishments acquaintances addiction adoration adversity affair affection afraid agoraphobia alive ambitions anger anticipation anxiety appreciation approval aspirations attitude attraction authenticity awareness bad behavior bad days bad times balance balance of life beginning behavior being alone beliefs believe in yourself Betsy bitterness blahs blame blessing blessings bliss boredom buddy burnout Buster calm challenges challenging times chances change changes cheating cheech and chong chemistry choices christmas cigarettes comfort zone commitment commitments communication companion compassion competitive drive confidence conflict confrontation confusion consequences consideration contemplation contentment control controversy coping coping with grief Corinthians13 courage creativity crossroads cujo cupid curse dad dating dealing with grief death deceit deception decision making defense mode denial depression desire desires destiny determination diet difficulties direction disagreements disappointment discipline dissappointment dogs doubt drama queen dream dreams eBay economy ego emotional abuse emotional baggage emotional boundaries emotional commitment emotional state emotional support emotions employment empowerment encouragement endurance escape expectations facing problems failure failures faith falling down family fantasy fate Fear fears feelings Florida flower children focus forbidden love forgiveness freaky feelings free love free will freedom friends friendship frustration frying pan moments fulfillment fun future gardening glass half full/half empty goals God good times grateful gratitude gried grief grief phases growth guidance guilt habits happiness happy hard headed harmony hate healing health helpless hermit hippie culture hippies holidays home homeless honesty hope hopeless hopes hugs humiliation hurt identity imagination impatience improvement inner strength inner struggle innovation insecurity insensitivity inspiration intense love intentions intimacy intuition irritation isolation job job satisfaction John Lennon joy jr judgment Kiki kindness laughter lessons letting go lies life life balance life challenges life change life changes life circumstances life experiences life lessons life partner life retrospect life situations life struggles lifestyle living alone loneliness lonely long distance relationship loss loss of a pet loss of control lost love lovers luck lust magic managing anxiety Mark Nepo marriage medication Memorial Day memories mental health Mimi miracles mistakes moderation moments money motivation moving on natural disasters needs negative thoughts negativity new year Nolan normal nurturing obstacles office politics online dating online love online romance opinions opportunity optimism options overwhelm pace pain pandemic paranoia passion passionate past path patience peace peace of mind perception perfection perserverance persistence personal growth personal power perspective Petey pets physical abuse pity party planning plans plants pleasure politics positive attitude positive energy positive thinking positivity possibilities prayer pride priorities problems procrastination progress prosperity purpose quality of life quit smoking reaction reactions reality reasons regrets rejection relationship relationships relax relaxation resentment resolutions respect responsibility rest restlessness retirement retreat revenge risk risks Robin Williams romance romantic love routine run away running away sacrifice sadness safe sanctuary satisfaction scared searching self-acceptance self-awareness self-confidence self-control self-defeating behavior self-esteem self-help self-improvement self-loathing self-love self-pity self-sabotage self-talk self-worth separation serendipity serenity setting goals settle sex sexual revolution simple abundance smoking social media society solitude sorrow soul soulmates stability standards state of mind strength stress strict rules strong struggle struggles stubborn subconscious feelings success suffering suicide support suppressed emotions survival surviving grief temper terrorism tests thankful Thanksgiving The Wedding Singer thinking thoughts time time travel tolerance toxic love toxic people toxic relationship tragedy transitions trigger day triggers trouble true calling trust truth unbalanced uncertainty unconditional love understanding unemployment unhappiness unresolved feelings valentines day value values valuing moments veterans day victim mentality victims vision vulnerability wants war Wayne Dyer weakness weather wedding anniversary what if widow Willie wisdom wishes withdrawal work work achievements work standards workaholic worries worry