"Each of us is more than capable of helping the world, despite our fears and limitations and the uncertainty that holds us back. It is commonly accepted that it is impossible to make a difference without unlimited funding or free time, yet most healing, cleansing, and spreading of joy is accomplished in a matter of minutes."
Almost a week has passed since the terrorist attack on the nightclub in Orlando. It has taken me all this time to make an attempt to write about how I am feeling aside from the politics of it all.
Being the compassionate person that I am, it has hit me to the pit of my soul with tremendous grief that I can't explain. I don't know any of those affected by one man's anger and rage, but I can stand in their shoes in my thoughts and prayers for them. News reports that featured the loved ones and victims brought me to tears that didn't go away after the report. It was the same for me after 9/11.
Senseless tragedy . . . these young people were here one moment enjoying a night out on the town, the next moment groveling on the blood filled floor next to dead bodies fighting to survive or huddled in a bathroom with countless others also fearing their impending death. And then there are the victims who were left on the floor for days in a pool of blood. The visions are haunting me.
One survivor's story really hit me hard for some reason. His legs were shot and he could not walk. When police came in to rescue those who had survived, he had to be drugged on the floor through dead bodies, glass and blood to get him outside in order to be transported to the hospital. You could see the pain in his eyes as he told his story. A nightmare none of them will soon forget. I know I will not soon forget.
In addition to feeling the pain of these people, those who had to wait way too long to learn of their loved one's fate . . . days of agony . . . the survivors who feel guilty for living after witnessing hell on earth (I could go on and on) . . . I am feeling extreme helplessness and a sinking feeling for our world society.
Those of us who have experienced the sudden death of a loved one, the shock of a nightmare that will live with us forever and the acceptance of "life as it is now" can somehow relate to the pain of losing those young people whose potential in this world had not yet been found. Their lives had just begun. Senseless tragedy and the long road of surviving grief that has just begun.
It made me sick to my stomach as our president visited those same people going through so much pain and grief who had to endure the rants of a politician playing politics. Not the time and place! He should be ashamed of himself . . . but it is exactly what I thought he would do. Adding insult to injury . . . isn't that special?
All this talk of the realization of the world we live in has made me extra apprehensive about leaving the house and the return of agonizing anxiety. I have been fighting this problem for years and in many ways have proven that I can conquer it, only to remind me of one of the reasons I am fearful to leave my comfort zone. All I know is that in the midst of weaning myself off of anti-depressant and anxiety medication, I'm confused on how to proceed with my struggle to become normal again.
I feel better after letting my feelings out into words . . . writing has always been my best therapy. I hope you do the same if you are experiencing the same feelings. Let it out . . . start a private blog if don't want the world to know how you feel. I hope by making my feelings known, it helps even one person going through the same anxiety and . . . I wonder how many people out there are feeling the same.
Amid the hopeless feelings for this precious world and those affected by the tragedy, all I can do is pray and have faith we can all learn to cope with our ever changing world.