Ordinary world

What has happened to me?

Crazy, some would say

Where is the life that I recognize?

Gone away

lyrics from the song Ordinary World by Duran Duran

Many of my posts go back in time as I reorganize my journals. This entry was inspired by the featured song, Ordinary World recorded by Duran Duran. 

As I listened to music one lonely night in November several years ago, very depressed and still struggling with my new reality, feeling abandoned by everything that was normal in my ordinary world.

The dreaded holidays were approaching and I was feeling very alone in the world . . . they were no longer joyous for me and I wanted to hide. I spent the holidays completely alone that year . . . it is what I needed. Being around “normalcy” made me feel like more of a freak than I already did.

Dealing with grief is the hardest thing that we can do as humans . . . and it is my greatest hope to help others who are thinking they are going crazy as a result of changed life circumstances. Those who have lost their spouse go through a difficult time, some worse than others. He was my everything . . . and he took a part of me with him . . . life as I knew it was gone and everything changed.

I’ve finally admitted that my suicidal tendencies were screaming at me and seemed like a romantic fantasy . . . a way out of the eternal hell that was my life. Fighting them was a difficult endeavor, but I did. The words “this too shall pass” held my faith together to make it through another day, sometimes another moment.

It is taking me a very long time to come back to life, but I feel like I have truly moved on even if I have not moved on with a new partner . . . I’ve had to find myself all over again and my journey is still not over. Blogging and letting out my emotions into words has saved my life. Looking back helps to see the tremendous progress and gives me so much hope for the future.

I remember this night vividly . . . this song played over and over again, I wanted to feel all of the emotions I was feeling as I sat in my dark room, still a smoker, smoking one cigarette after another, a very strong rum and coke in the other hand. I didn’t stop until I drank myself to sleep.

My serious drinking days are over and I have been a non-smoker for over two years . . . I made it through those dark days and now I know I can make it through anything . . .


November . . . several years ago . . .

I am learning how to survive alone in this world as a widow . . . it isn’t always easy, mainly it is a lonely existence I didn’t in my wildest dreams expect to ever be in. My life was set . . . my ordinary world was perfect for me . . . I was happy, so content in my paradise with the man that I committed my life to so many years before. Where is the world I recognize?

It is like a distant memory after all these years . . . almost surreal, like a dream . . . “Here today, forgot tomorrow.” This song brings those feelings of fading memories to mind. It is so sad how life goes on although it must . . . what is the alternative? A life of no life? No matter how difficult, one must move on . . . leaving what once was behind, looking back with melancholy memories.

What has happened to me? Where are my friends when I need them the most? My spirit has been broken, my friends changed as did my status as a person in this world. I was no longer a married lady . . . I was suddenly single in my ordinary world of married couples that I could no longer fit in with.

As I’ve tried to find my way to the "ordinary world," I’ve learned so much about people . . . about friends . . . about family . . . I’m learning how to survive on my own, alone, because no one is guaranteed to be there to help you do it . . . many run for fear you may need something from them. Let them run . . . I need strength, not fear . . . as I find the strength from within.

A favorite song is like an old friend, faithful and true . . . always there when you need it.  Today I needed to hear “Ordinary World” and contemplate on what the words of this song means to me.   It has always been one of my favorite songs from Duran Duran, however, I had never heard it in this way . . .

In the vacuum of my heart . . . still I can’t escape the ghost of my perfect past, but I can’t cry for yesterday, it is gone . . . never to return, somehow I have to find the strength to continue on my journey to my new life which will one day be my ordinary world . . . until then I feel like a lost soul, caught between three worlds . . . yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I can relate to the lyrics of this song so much it is almost scary to me . . . the irony of art imitating life. That is one of the things I love about music . . . it is an expression of life itself . . .

There is an ordinary world somehow I have to find . . .

Lyrics

Came in from a rainy Thursday
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly

I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can’t escape the ghost of you

What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some are saying
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away

But I won’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
“Pride will tear us both apart”
Well now pride’s gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart

What is happening to me?
Crazy, some’d say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away

But I won’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk

And I don’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Every one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world
Every one Is my world

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What's your weakness?

~ Addicted | Kelly Clarkson ~

Judging by the fact that the majority of the world is overweight, I’m in good company when I say that my number one weakness is good food and enjoying it con mucho gusto. It is more like a passion since it is closely tied in with another passion of mine, cooking. There is nothing I love more than to prepare for a huge party . . . guess I should have been a chef for a living.

Why is it that those things that are so good are bad? Like chocolate and Pepsi . . . I’m totally addicted to both and don’t deny myself of either, however, it is not an indulgence I enjoy often enough and make an attempt at doing it in moderation . . . otherwise the cravings would make me crazy.

As a ex-smoker, I will always be addicted . . . it is a fine line of love and hate with cigarettes. It took me countless times of making the attempt to quit before succeeding. Two years and a couple of months later, I still go out of my way to walk slowly through a smoking area so I can take in that awful smell that still smells good to me. It would be so easy to go back to that expensive and dangerously unhealthy addiction. I’m so grateful for the strength to continue being an ex-smoker.

Then there is the addiction that took over my life, one of the best gifts from my husband that was a Christmas/new millennium gift . . . I literally discovered the internet on New Years Day of the new millennium. 

 Since then, the invisible umbilical cord has been permanently attached to my computer. It opened up a whole new world to me and gave me a world of “friends without faces” that I am so grateful for. 

Although any compulsion is not good, this is one addiction that I will never give up . . . I’m a lifelong “internet junkie.” Fortunate for me, it has been a way for me to make money.

We all have our vices and the ones we gave up for one reason or another. 

 What’s your weakness?

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Life For Rent

Although I have realized that I have gone through tremendous positive changes in my life, during this time of contemplation, transferring old blog entries around and revisiting old thoughts, it occurs to me that many of my old revelations from the past couple of years could have been made today. Moving ahead, yet standing still.

This thought process marks a very important revelation about my romantic choices. I continue the same ones over and over again . . . actually the same two guys . . . I moved from one to another, same type of situation yet different. The underlying theme is the same . . . the unattainable.

Maybe it is the unconscious effort, the trait of a widow, to not move on since they were both long distance relationships?

I’m haunted by the empty feeling of the
“echo in a canyon”
but isn’t that what I have chosen for myself?

The answer is yes . . . for now

Another one of life’s revelations in a song . . . my interpretation is about attitude and the way we look at life . . . as it relates to my life. Aren’t we all afraid to fail? Although this is the first time in my life that I’ve been afraid to try . . . that is difficult to admit . . . sometimes it is easier to be alone.

Has there been a time when
 relationships scared you?

Have you ever lived 
“Life For Rent”?

Life for Rent | Dido
LYRICS

I haven’t ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I’m not in love
But it’s not as if I mind
that your heart ain’t exactly breaking

It’s just a thought, only a thought
But if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I’ve always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live more simply
I have no idea what’s happened to that dream
Cos there’s really nothing left here to stop me

It’s just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won’t let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won’t even try
Well how can I say I’m alive

If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

If my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

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Don't Look Back

Don’t trip over your own two feet

looking back and running from the past,
just keep looking straight ahead,
walking through today and into tomorrow

Author unknown

When it comes to love, it seems that many of us want to hold on . . . whether it is good or bad. 

When I ran across this quote, it brought a question to mind.

Why do we hold on to past loves?

I’m the most guilty of doing this. In most recent times, I held on to two former loves who ventured back into my life like they were some kind of trophy. Finally, the thought that I am way too loyal for my own good is starting to sink in.

It seems to me that even if it was a bad relationship, the tendency is to hold on and make it work . . . I’ve done it all my life! Is it that fear of failure? Make the bad relationship good before moving on?

Maybe it is the comfort level of what is known . . . even if the known is not good. We form attachments and emotions for someone and it is difficult to break off the relationship bond, especially when there is a “relationship history” involved.

What about the “revenge thing?” I swear both of these guys came back into my life just to hurt me. Aren’t some of us guilty of that too? Attempt to hurt the one who hurt us at some point in our lives?

Hopefully I will learn to stop tripping over my feet! Can you relate to any of these relationship problems?

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Forbidden Love

“Just one look from your eyes was 
like a certain kind of torture”

lyrics from Forbidden Love by Madonna

Is forbidden love more exciting because
it is something you are not supposed to have?

Is it the human characteristic of wanting
what you can’t have that makes it exciting?

It was the beginning of my brother’s little league baseball season and I was barely a teenager. Sure, I had already noticed the boys at school . . . but this guy was different. WAY OLDER AND FORBIDDEN . . .

He was one of the coaches, his son played on the league and was probably the age of my parents. Be still my heart, I still think about that man . . . he was my first real attraction other than Paul McCartney who was my first love if you count rock stars.

No one knew about the huge crush I had on this man . . . except for my mom. She noticed it the first day of the season when I first met him . . . mom and I had “the talk”. LOL . . . we have talked about it recently and had a good laugh, but she tells me at the time, she was secretly freaking out about this.

My mom tells me every woman at the park had a secret crush on that man, he was GORGEOUS like a movie star with dark hair and eyes. The first real “Mr. Dreamy” of my life. I’ve often wondered why . . .

My theory has something to do with “forbidden love” . . . this was way forbidden and totally impossible . . . a larger than life fantasy built up in my mind . . . which brings me to the topic of fantasy vs forbidden love. Big difference in some cases . . . in my case, it was innocently both.

Fantasy in most cases is just that . . . something built up in the mind, while forbidden love is usually dangerous.

When I think of forbidden love, an affair with at least one party belonging to someone else is what comes to mind. However, as in the case of Romeo and Juliet, the most romantic story of forbidden love that I can think of at the moment, the problem was who they were, the family they were each born into. Forbidden love can also be a rich man/poor man thing that society imposes on someone like real life princes and princesses.

All this came from listening to music from Madonna . . . music is so amazing for me, it takes me all over the place, driving my thoughts to the weirdest places like a little league season as I discovered love and desire for the first time.

Hasn’t forbidden love tortured all

 of us at one time or another?

“Forbidden Love”
Madonna
Lyrics

Just one kiss on my lips
Was all it took to seal the future
Just one look from your eyes
Was like a certain kind of torture

Once upon a time
There was a boy
There was a girl

Just one touch from your hands
Was all it took to make me falter

Forbidden love
Are we supposed to be together
Forbidden love
Forbidden love
Forbidden love
We seal the destiny forever
Forbidden love
Forbidden love

Just one smile on your face
Was all it took to change my fortune
Just one word from your mouth
Was all I needed to be certain

Once upon a time
There was a boy
There was a girl
Hearts that intertwine
They lived in a different kind of world

Just one kiss
Just one touch
Just one look

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The Longest Journey

Sometime in your life you will go on a journey.

It will be the longest journey you have ever taken.

It is the journey to find yourself.

Katherine Sharp

The journey has been long and painful at times . . . on the other hand, it has been the most exciting adventure of my life.

Although there are times that I seem to have lost my way and don’t recognize who I am when I look in the mirror, I know myself much better than I have in all of my life.

My dreams were somewhat buried through the years underneath life experiences, failures, triumphs, contentment, good intentions, rejection, peace, happiness, love. As I peel back the layers of my life to find my authentic self and what she wants, I realize that some of those dreams in my days of youth don’t match my dreams of today.

The only major dream of my youth that I did not explore was to pursue that career as a singer/songwriter. Maybe it was not the right time. Perhaps the time to at least sell what I wrote so many years ago is now. The pursuit of the creation and performing is no longer with me, although I do aspire to write, the method has changed . . . the guitar and keyboard put away long ago. The new method is my computer keyboard.

There is still a song in my heart, a desire for something more, a different type of fulfillment than I have ever known . . . all I know is that the feeling is what I describe as peace, love and happiness.

Who knows, maybe a famous entertainer will want to sing my songs and the rush of happiness and fulfillment will be the words and music of one of my songs heard on the radio as I drive down the street one day. I’ve often wondered what that would feel like. All I know is that all the money in the world would never come close to that feeling.

On the journey of life, no one knows what lies beyond the path they are on . . . good or bad, it is the road to fate and destiny. Hopefully the destiny matches the dreams.

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Appreciation and value

Life can be like a financial transaction . . . 

when it appreciates, it grows in value.

One of the greatest gifts I’ve given myself is an attitude of gratitude. The attitude results in an appreciation for life as it is which is much more than accepting, but being thankful for good and bad circumstances when seen through the scope of the world in general.

When I start to feel sorry for myself when it comes to my life circumstances, before I can develop the self-pity routine that turns into depression, I remind myself that there are homeless people who have nothing. When I look at my life circumstances through the eyes of a homeless person, I am so grateful that I have been blessed with so much. All of a sudden, I am so grateful for what I do have . . . choices.

My life has grown in appreciation and value as I have learned to be more grateful.

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