Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6
I've recently realized that trust and resulting faith brings peace and contentment.
It is what I've been praying for.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11
The first anniversary of making the decision to put Kiki to sleep is a week away and it feels like time has stood still. My heart breaks over and over again as the days pass. My memories have gradually shifted to those that make me smile and I know that is a positive sign. She always appears in my dreams so vividly and I wake up feeling like she has visited me. They are always happy visits. God has truly blessed me. I know that those who have not experienced finding their soul dog think I am crazy.
I have faith and hope that I will be happy again.
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
"You do not find the happy life.
You make it."
Thomas S. Monson
Determined to find contentment in the midst of grief and sadness, I asked myself the simple question . . . "what would make me happy?" . . . the graphic depicts what would make me happy at this time in my life.
An outdoor sanctuary, a pleasant place to escape that is pleasing to my senses, to enjoy a beautiful Florida day and watch the birds and squirrels. A place to be grateful for all that I have been blessed with. Surround myself with the happiness that being in the middle of colorful flowers brings me.
While I realize that getting to that place will take lots of hard work, I think the work distraction alone is just what I need. So, as the hot days of summer unwind, I shall embark on this new journey that I know will bring me peace and contentment. I've done this before. This time it could be the thing that works wonders for my physical health as well as the positive mental aspect of it all.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
When it comes to grief, the time of grief seems like you lost your loved one yesterday even though it has been some time. It is as if the passage of time is non-existent, yet it has flown by so fast. It really is a weird concept and feeling.
It could be that it is normal to relive the day of passing often, making it seem like yesterday. Disorientation is a normal part of my life and I can't explain it.
“When the heart grieves over what it has lost,
the spirit rejoices over what it has left.”
Sufi Epigram
As I experience and heal from another grief journey, I try to be aware of how I am thinking since it makes a big difference in how I feel at the time. It makes such a difference and the quote is a great example of how we can think about losing a loved one.
In my experience, I am consumed at what I've lost at first. As time passes and the memories take over and the good times are what I think about, I am left with the awesome feeling of having had that loved one in my life at all with the good and the bad memories. Usually, I concentrate on the good.
Many people I know think this way. In fact, it is like they forget everything bad and think that they have turned a bad person into a saint in their mind. Sometimes I wonder who they are talking about. That way of thinking is how they cope with the loss.
First of all, I am so grateful to have experienced the love. On the other hand, I try to be realistic about the relationship I had with them. Sweeping bad memories under the rug can come back to haunt you. It comes down to life balances.
The main thing is gratefulness. It always brings a smile to my face.
The one thing that has bothered me most in my grief journey is having to explain myself constantly and feeling like I am not heard. Having gone through the widow journey twice, I am just tired of being misunderstood and want to be totally alone to finally give myself permission to heal in my own way without being "discussed and judged" by others. Just leave me alone, you have "helped" enough. Your concern is killing me.
Rather than try to explain once again, the following post from a Facebook group perfectly describes how I have been feeling most of my adult life. In my opinion, if you truly care about someone, you try to understand instead of asking the same insulting questions over and over again . . . no wonder I no longer want to be around those who have continually hurt me. It started a long, long time ago . . . and it is more than just grief.
"When she goes quiet, it’s crucial to understand: it’s not because she has nothing left to say. Her silence isn’t emptiness; it’s incredibly full. Full of words too heavy to speak, full of emotions too raw to unravel, full of a pain that feels utterly impossible to put into coherent sentences.
