Rocky Relationships and Negativity

Although it is not a particularly funny subject, we can look back at the emotional battles of any type of relationship and see a certain amount of absurdity and drama that exists when tensions run high and have a good laugh after everyone has cooled off.  

Even the strongest of marriages and/or friendships teeter on the edge of a love/hate relationship at times.  The interaction of people are, in general, very complicated . . . it is human nature.  It is rare for two people to totally agree on everything without disagreements.  The secret is to learn how to deal with each other effectively before the disagreements become real hate and resentment to the point of splitting up.

According to Cherilynn Veland in an article for Psych Central, here are some of the most common reasons for compounded negativity in relationships:

One partner thinks that the way they feel and there way of doing things is the right way. This means they are not open to listening and behaving differently. In this situation, compromise is not a value of one of the members.

Disconnection from the other’s feelings; chaos, manipulation and egocentricity; and sometimes cruelty.

Festering emotional wounds that never get talked about; or when they are, the other person tries to argue away the other person’s emotions.

Unequal partnerships. One person feels like he or she is doing it all. In couples with children, this can understandably lead to MAJOR resentment and anger.

Stress. Big-time breaker of even really good couples. If you don’t manage stress, it will cause difficulties in functioning and difficulties in the relationship.

Big differences on big life issues like: parenting, finances, in-laws.

Debilitating and dysfunctional family of origin issues that emerge and reemerge unaddressed . Issues from one’s original family and attachment relationships can get projected onto the spouse or onto other family relationships, like the kids. This will cause conflict.

Having little respect or not showing respect for your partner.

Being with someone who is narcissistic and has little self-insight.

Now this list is not exhaustive and doesn’t include abusive behavior (including verbal abuse) either.

Believe it or not, she also states that feelings of "hate" are normal in some situations.  However, even the rockiest of relationships can grow as you develop better communication, gradually change behaviors through compromise and learn how to forgive. 

It helps if both parties have lots of love for each other and a strong desire to make it work.

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Shedding Light On Ourselves

When we choose that which is not best for us, there can be a deep seated part of us that does not want to heal.

In almost every case, we know what is best for us in our lives, from the relationships we create to the food we eat. Still, somewhat mysteriously, it is often difficult to make the right choices for ourselves. We find ourselves hanging out with someone who leaves us feeling drained or choosing to eat fast food over a salad. We go through phases where we stop doing yoga or taking vitamins, even though we feel so much better when we do. Often we have no idea why we continue to make the less enlightened choice, but it is important that we inquire into ourselves to find out.

When we choose that which is not best for us, the truth can be that there is a deep seated part of us that does not want to heal. We may say it’s because we don’t have the time or the energy or the resources, but the real truth is that when we don’t take care of ourselves we are falling prey to self-sabotage. Self-sabotage happens unconsciously, which is why it’s so difficult to see that we are doing it. The important thing to realize is that this very part of us that resists our healing is the part that most needs our attention and love. Even as it appears to be working against us, if we can simply bring it into the light of our consciousness, it can become our greatest ally. It carries the information we need to move to the next level in our healing process.

When we recognize that we are not making healthy choices, we might even say out loud, “I am not taking care of myself.” Sometimes this is the jolt we need to wake up to what is actually happening. Next we can sit ourselves down in meditation, with a journal, or with a trusted friend to explore the matter more thoroughly. Just shining the light of our awareness on the source of our resistance is sometimes enough to dispel its power. At other times, further effort is required. Either way, we need not fear these parts that do not want to heal. We only need to take them under our wing and bring them with us into the light.

Source:  Daily Om

From my experience, the best or healthiest choices are not always the most tasty or fun.  I'd much rather eat a delicious piece of chocolate cake instead of a carrot for a snack.

I see the better choices as a mindset.

My passion is food, so it is not always easy for me to eat and cook healthy meals.  Of course I know that I can learn how to cook healthy meals that are delicious, but I don't until I change my train of thought and make a conscious effort to be more healthy in general.

In the healing process, I have learned how to do things in small bites . . . incremental changes.  Before I quit smoking after JR died, I made a conscious effort to adopt a healthier lifestyle since I had a considerable amount of weight to lose.  JR died of a heart attack and that put the fear of death in me.

Rather than go on a "diet" I set out to change my lifestyle.  Within a year, I had lost 100 pounds, even enjoying holiday meals at Thanksgiving and Christmas. The difference was that I enjoyed those things I knew were not the healthiest thing for me to eat in moderation.  A bite of this and a bite of that.  Just a bite to get a taste of it.

Little by little I made small changes that made a huge impact.  Being addicted to Pepsi, I could not step down to Diet Pepsi and I knew it.  I would fail and go back to drinking Pepsi.  So I started drinking water and learned to love it.

Think of any change that needs to be changed as a lifestyle change.  It is all part of the self-talk that is important in changing our mindset and leading ourselves into a different direction that is not comfortable or easy.

Now I need to put my words into action.  Ultimately I quit smoking for two years and put on some weight.  Then I met The Captain who was a smoker and I started smoking again.

It is never to late to start over again!

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Little steps

Those who would climb to a lofty height

 must go by steps, not leaps.

St. Gregory the Great

from a letter to Augustine of Canterbury




Baby steps is what is needed when a change in life circumstances reverts back to what is considered "normal" . . . normal being the perception of what it should be by the person making the changes.

The date of the following post was in October of 2007 and I still don't consider my life as "normal" even though I have moved on and have remarried.  Having said that, many of my goals have been met and I have moved closer to what I have considered normal even though I'm not there yet.

It has taken little changes . . . I call them incremental changes.  Changes so small that you barely feel them happening.  Sometimes that is all we can handle.  As stated in the quote, change cannot happen with leaps.  Leaps lead to overwhelm, feeling like a failure and giving up.

As I look back to the time the post was written, so many changes have taken place, however, the changes were so little at a time that it almost seems impossible that so much progress has been made on my journey to a "normal" life.  

I did try doing the leaps, but they led to me falling down and failing, making the progress move a step backward.

To recap some changes . . . I'm no longer agoraphobic (not able to leave the house),  I'M NOT A HERMIT ANYMORE!, I can drive again, I entered the workplace, I trusted another person to love again . . . enough to marry him.  I can be in a vehicle again as a passenger and not have panic attacks as I did in the beginning, although I still have a problem with it (and still working on it).

This post originally published on 10-5-07

It is turning out to be one of those days that aren't quite so positive.  Memories of when my life was happy and I had someone to share happy times with are haunting me. Now I'm alone in miserable times. Sometimes I wonder why bad things happen to good people. I'm fighting a pity party this morning and I can't go there, so I thought I would write about how I'm feeling.

What is bothering me can't be fixed over night . . . I want what I had before. I miss my husband, I want my life as it was before he died. Why did he have to die? Having to deal with this was the last thing on my list of worries, which is always a very long list since I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and worry about everything.

It isn't the loneliness since I keep myself busy. It is being alone . . . this is the first time in my life that I am alone and I hate it with a passion. Sometimes like this morning, it just gets to me. My mom is on her way over and we are gonna go shopping to keep my mind occupied. It helps momentarily.

I'm not always positive about life, sometimes life just sucks, but I try to deal with it optimistically.

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Life is a collaborative effort

"It is important to choose our partnerships consciously. Sometimes forged quickly during times of need, we may find ourselves rushing into unions with perhaps not the clearest intentions. Partnerships created from those starting point might serve our immediate needs, but the repercussions of a union so quickly fostered without much thought can be difficult to recover from.

Granted, there is something to learn from every relationship, but looking to another to fix or complete us can turn a partnership into a dependent bond. If we can stay clear about what we want and what we need in a partnership, while staying grounded and remembering that we are our own source of happiness and fulfillment, we can create partnerships that support and enhance the best of who we are. 

Everyone in our lives is a mirror reflecting back the parts we love and dislike about ourselves. If we have the courage to recognize our reflections in each other, we can grow through our partnerships. A partnership that offers both acceptance of who we are and an opportunity for personal transformation can be fertile ground for growing a healthy, lasting union. When we find this kind of partnership, we are more likely to want to keep it, invest in it, and nurture it.

Life is a collaborative effort. Much of what we do can be enhanced through partnership. Together we are stronger because our personal power is multiplied by two. Through partnership we experience the joys of working, living, and loving together."

Source:  Daily Om

Who we choose in our relationships says so much about us.

Choosing a life partner whose life mingles with ours harmoniously is so healthy for a happy life. 

Choose your relationships wisely, whether it be a life partner or a best friend. They can make the difference between happiness or misery.  It is your choice.

My grandmother had the best advice ever . . . it is better to be alone than to be in bad company.

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Positive Self-Affirmation

"When we develop a confident mind-set and release our worries about what others think of us, we build our self-esteem and bring more balance to our relationships. 

Most often our fears about what others think of us are simply projections of how we view ourselves. When we begin to change our own beliefs to more positive, empowering ones, our fears melt away. We become stronger, happier people and begin to see ourselves in a more positive light. This causes others to do the same. 

Our relationships become better because we are connecting from a more authentic, loving place. By devoting attention to enhancing your attitude and confidence level today, you can improve the quality of your interactions with others."

Source:  Daily Om 

I could not have said it better!  

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Change . . . and the comfort zone

The comfort zone is something I am intimately acquainted with.

In bad times, the comfort zone is a place to heal and feel safe when we feel the ravages of life beating on us like the waves on the ocean. There have been many times in my life when the “comfort zone” was the only place for me to be.

Like everything in life . . . there is a time and place for everything in moderation.

The way of change for me has been intensive thinking and writing . . . and changes must happen incrementally for them to be effective because of the challenges I have faced in the past. Most of my life challenges came upon me suddenly, all at one time, and called for drastic life changes as well as personal changes . . . most of them emotional and involved the death of my spouse.

The emotions and changes have been convoluted to say the least, sometimes one would collide with the other. Hence the need for incremental changes in my case.

I've momentarily lost my comfort zone . . . and I am feeling lost.

Writing about my emotions and keeping a journal to record emotional progress is one of the greatest tools I have found to cope with life changes on the road back to “peace, love and happiness” . . .

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Happiness and joy

The happiness and joy experience:

• strengthens the immune system
• promotes general good health
• burn away the impurities in your emotional system
• disperses worries, anxieties, grief, frustration, stress and other negative emotions.
• sharpens intellect and memory
• 
  

Joy was seen as a sacred responsibility by the Ancient Egyptians, who believed that upon death two questions would be asked of them by the God Osiris and those who answered yes could continue the journey into the afterlife.

The questions:

“Did you bring joy?”
“Did you find joy?”

One of my greatest joys is putting a smile on someone’s face or making a difference in someone’s life . . . and it answers “yes” to both questions!

What are some of your greatest joys?

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