Communication techniques for a healthy relationship

While there are disagreements that fall under the category of "agree to disagree," it is always the better practice to develop good communication techniques to resolve disagreements in a relationship.  

Leaving issues unresolved can lead to resentment that can turn into a big ugly monster.

Slay the big ugly monster before he even shows that ugly face by developing some great communication techniques.

The following is what my research found on good communication . . .

1. It is important to give your full attention with no distractions like the television or sitting behind the computer to really listen to what the other person is saying.

2. You should repeat back to them what you heard them say . . . "what I hear you saying is . . ."  Sometimes what we think we hear is not exactly what was said, so be sure to really know and understand what they are telling you.

3. Speak up and express your feelings. No one is a mind reader! They won't know what you are feeling unless you tell them.

4. Speak in a non-threatening manner in a calm tone. When threatened, the response is usually a defensive one that is counter-productive to good communication.

5. Take a break from the conversation and give each other space if the conversation becomes heated to prevent further escalation which leads to saying hurtful things to each other. Do you really hear what the other person is saying while yelling? Calm down and step away before it gets to that point.

6. Eye contact and giving the other person your full attention is very important since great communication can also be non-verbal.  Back to #1 . . . turn off the television and computer . . . no distractions.

7. Allow enough time to have your conversation without the feeling of either person being rushed which helps put all of the other communication techniques into practice.

read more

Finding Hidden Gifts

"We need to make friends with what we reject, what we see as "bad" in ourselves and in other people. We must not only tolerate what we find painful, but actually approach it more deeply, more wholeheartedly rather than trying to escape from it. The only way to do this successfully is with an open heart, letting it soften you. This way you are not attacking it or seeking to eradicate it, but instead embracing it. For only then will it serve the purpose for which it exists and can reveal to you the gift hidden within it.

Identify something you reject in yourself or in another and take it into your heart. Let it speak to you and reveal its teaching, blessing or energy." 

Source: The Soul Journey 

Well, it sounds easy, doesn't it?

Letting those irritating things in ourselves and others speak to us is one thing . . . they already speak volumes to me!  The trick is allowing it to reveal its blessing in our lives when it is painful or a major irritation robbing us of peace and happiness.

It seems to me that it is all in the perspective in which it is approached.  A positive thinker will embrace the hidden gift rather quickly, while the negative thinker will see it as an impossible task.  

The negative thinker will just want to sweep it under the rug and either ignore it completely, hoping it will just go away or complain about it, declaring that life is just not fair and hoping that since they are entitled to be happy, the situation or the trait will just go away.  Guess what?  It won't!

There are many levels and aspects of this concept.  While seeking the hidden gifts in our own flaws may be an achievable task, it is quite a different story when it comes to another person.  Disagreements in a relationship usually have so many layers, they get convoluted when combined with personality traits.

Perhaps the way to first approach the situation is to envision the end result in a compassionate and positive manner . . . peace and happiness.  Ask yourself the right questions . . . "how can peace and happiness be achieved in this situation?" . . . take each identifying factor individually rather than combined with everything else.

When it comes to evaluating and analyzing the irritating thing involving someone else, make sure that all bitterness and anger of the situation is set aside before even attempting to think about it positively.

All in all, I found this concept very interesting and can prove to be an insightful way to look at life situations and those special people in our lives.  We are all special and unique individuals with our gifts (whether they be hidden or not) that others find pleasant and attractive which also comes with those things that are irritating!

Love yourself and those you love enough to find those hidden gifts!

  

read more

The spirit of love

How important is it to be "right"?


When ego takes over in our relationships over something said or done by another person that we don't agree with, the focus turns from the spirit of love to the angry need to be right.


Of course it depends on the situation, but isn't it better to just let it go without debating the issue to the point that could lead to consequences that are far worse than just being right?


Human nature can confine us to a world of rigid rules as criteria for someone else without looking into our own actions or belief system first. There is also the choice of accepting the fact that they are "wrong" and simply choose to love them anyway . . . agree to disagree and live by the "Spirit of Love."


Love is more important than being right . . . at least that is my opinion.

read more

Empty words

“Love is not in the word,

but in the proof of action.”

Author unknown

It amazes me that I forgot about one of the most absurd relationships I’ve ever had in my life . . . until I read this entry from back in 2007. The emotions of the situation and the way I handled it have come back to me like a comedy routine that really happened.

The actual facts were never disclosed and I will save the entire story for another time . . . I’m still not ready to tell the whole tale although it is very funny. The downside is that it cured me from wanting to date local guys or even look for someone new in my life.

It was around the time that I felt confident about diving into the dating scene again and posted a profile on some of the dating websites. This endeavor produced one promising candidate named Tommy.

Tommy and I embarked upon the journey of attempting to make a love connection and getting to know each other. We were both seriously ready to find “the one.” However, this is one of those life situations that sent me back to my hermit cave, never returning to the dating scene.

originally written August 1, 2007

You could say this about anything in life . . . I’ve grown up with the saying “put your money where your mouth is” . . . meaning do what you say and say what you do . . .

Words are just words on a page, on a computer screen or spoken . . . those words don’t really take on meaning until action is taken to prove their validity. Otherwise you are just fooling yourself, someone else or both . . . empty words.

No one is immune to the phenomena of good intentions in the context of empty words. I’ve been guilty of that many times. How many times do I say that I want to do this or that, the serious intentions behind the statements are valid, but for one reason or another, I don’t put action behind my words. Good intentions . . . dreams . . . wishful thinking . . . procrastination.

However, as it relates to love, perhaps in the context of promises, proclamations of love . . . they honestly have no meaning within themselves. They are merely empty words until action is taken to prove those words. Empty words are used to deceive . . . for one reason or another.

A song that I wrote many years ago resides on a very old cassette and the lyrics written in a huge notebook with other song lyrics. “Empty Words” is the title of the song . . . I’d post the lyrics, but they are not copyrighted. Something happened yesterday that reminded me of that song and inspired this blog.

Since I was a young adult with aspirations of being the next rock star singer/songwriter my words have been empty. How many times did I take the stage when given the opportunity only to begin to walk out, see the audience and totally freak out, turn around and go back in retreat. All that talk of wanting to be a successful rock star . . . empty words with good intentions. Maybe one day I will at least publish my songs and be a successful songwriter . . . but it takes actions.

I recently spoke empty words with good intentions that disappointed someone new in my life, but at the same time showed me that this person lacks understanding and compassion for someone they supposedly care for and are much too rigid and uptight of a person to enjoy life and share happiness with someone if such a small, insignificant thing could turn into such a huge deal.

The subject of another blog . . . understanding and compassion . . . one of the most key elements to an awesome relationship. Another subject that goes along with it is harsh and hurtful words . . . another key element needed . . . kindness. Without these things you have nothing.

I’m glad I was able to see these characteristics in him before I could seriously get hurt by this guy and his raging temper that flared up in a restaurant resulting in my calmly getting up, walking out and leaving him stewing in his rage all alone. Funny how he got louder shouting, “where are you going?” as I just about ran out the door.

In retrospect, I would have loved to be a fly on the wall to see the look on his face as he stood there alone in the crowded restaurant, after figuratively “showing his ass” for all the world to see.

Never in my life would I even think of ending a seemingly perfect relationship because I ordered french fries with my dinner . . . but more bizarre things have happened in my life . . . although this one is up there!

All I can say is that God is always watching out for me and I am so grateful that I ordered those freakin’ french fries that sparked my initial decision to embrace my solitude after realizing that Dr. Jekyll can turn into Mr. Hyde.

read more

Agree to disagree

It is about peace and harmony in our relationships and realizing that everyone has a right to their opinion. What a boring world we would live in without differing opinions . . . boring, but more peaceful.

When we share our beliefs with others in a sincere and open manner, putting aside any hostility we may feel toward an opposing view, it may lead to opening the door to understanding differing opinions and perhaps a new way of thinking on both sides of an issue.

Rather than take on the idea that it is not a good idea to discuss politics or religion, taking the approach of “agreeing to disagree” not only opens our mind to a new way of thinking on a particular subject, but also helps us strengthen our relationships with greater understanding if the approach of gentle expressiveness is exercised among rational people.

If the discussion becomes irrational, I always take the approach of saying . . . “let’s just agree to disagree” . . . and quickly change the subject. Sometimes it is not worth it . . . but with the right approach by all individuals involved, it can be a growing experience and lead to greater peace and understanding of those with different opinions.

Opinions are one of those things that everyone has and makes us each a truly unique individual . . . share your opinions peacefully and your voice becomes louder as others will be more willing to listen . . .

read more