A Heavy Heart

The holidays are hitting me harder than usual this year.  I know it is the recent decision to put my sweet fur baby Kiki to sleep a month or so ago.  I miss her terribly and feel so much guilt since I had to sign that damn paper.  It has compounded the loss of two husbands.  The...

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When your dog is your soulmate

 As I have grieved my fur baby Kiki, I have sought out social media forums and communities dedicated to help grievers cope with that terrible phase in their life.  It is important to surround yourself with those who have and are walking the same journey, just wanting to find peace.  Below...

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Grief is a strange journey

 I've been going through another grief journey that has knocked me down pretty hard. Losing a pet is an indescribable grief.In order to make a real attempt of going through this loss better than the losses of two husbands, I have discovered and remember how different the feelings are when it is...

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The difficulty of grieving

Someone in a group I belong to told me that I'm in the "deep of grief" and I know that the way grief manifests itself changes with time.  But it never ever goes away.My two recent losses, The Captain and my precious little Kiki were my immediate family that I lived with and loved day after day. ...

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Run free little girl

 As Kiki got older, I tried to protect myself from this time I am going through.No matter what the vet told me, I was not convinced that she was as sick as he said.  She still did her cute little dance when it was time to eat like she always did, like a healthy dog at almost 16 years old.My...

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Lessening Grief

 In the course of dealing with grief phases, I have found myself relying on memories as a comfort for the painful feelings of grief.  I'm always grateful for having had my loved ones share their life with me.  Even remembering not so great memories leads to being grateful.  Life...

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Lacking Peace

 My latest grief stage has brought me far away from perfect peace.  It is getting better, but faith and trust have been difficult to attain.  The birthdays of two husbands who have passed away have been awful trigger days with Easter around the corner.This definition of peace is what...

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Loud Silence

 It has been a weird time.  Yes, the silence is loud.  Sometimes it is hard to breathe.  I need to write and let this out, but I really don't know what to say.  I'm enjoying being alone in my silence, but it would be great if he was here with me.  Only him.  God knows...

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Don't give up now

 But really, do I have a choice?I guess it was his birthday, a trigger day that started me on the roller coaster again.  Just when I was starting to feel better.I'm so tired of feeling better only to slip back into this funky phase of grief.  The good thing is I have writing about it...

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Love With No Place To Go

All that talk about positivity has gone out the window.  I find myself overthinking everything.  My happy, carefree attitude of taking one moment at a time has disappeared.  It is what grief is all about.  One must be ready for it to get through it quickly.  I'm trying!The trick...

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Grief Angel

 This past week has been all over the place.As much as I try to stay positive, there are times that I just lose control.  It is simple, I miss him terribly.  This must be the "miss you" phase.My family to coming to town just in time.  I have been missing them too and it complicates...

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Trigger Days

 Trigger days . . . holidays, birthdays, anniversaries of all kinds, etc. always add an extra sense of grief.  You never know how they are going to affect you until it does . . . they are sneaky like that.  They can also change from year to year.  Just like any other grief phase,...

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Joyful Melody of Life

 I've started listening to music regularly as I did in "normal times."  Music has been a part of life since I was a little girl enjoying the radio being on day and night by my family.  Songs have meaning to me as far as lyrics and bringing back memories.  It is strange how a song...

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Grief is schizophrenic

 When grief gets a grip on you, it will take on a life of its own that no matter how hard you try, is so difficult to get through.  One of the problems is that it is ever changing and when you think you have it figured out and under control . . . BOOM . . . it will grab your attention and...

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I was never ready for you to leave

 My normal grief feels like all of the above at the same time.It happened so fast.On that morning, I woke up and was startled to see the far away look in his eyes.  It seemed to me so strange that he was normal the night before, although I felt something was off for a few days.  One of...

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The Lunacy of Grief Stages

 The changes can be horrific from one day to the next, leaving the feeling of being on a roller coaster.  They can also make you feel like you are actually losing your mind while knowing you are sane.What really makes me feel crazy is the shift from surviving the grief to overwhelming sadness...

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