My New Normal

 It happens to me every day . . . the memories, the tears and the sadness that doesn't want to go away.  I try to dwell on happy memories, but the sadness still sneaks in.  Profound sadness.  I never wear makeup anymore, it is too messy with the tears.

My doctor asked me if I want to die as a result of the sadness.  No, I don't want to die, but I'm not fearful that I will.  I know where I am going.  And at this point in my life, the number of people close to me still living are less than those who have left me.

Positive thinking doesn't help since that is tricking myself into one thing or another.

I know the grief I am feeling is still fresh and will be with me the rest of my life.  The bad feelings just have to change at least for a little while.  This too shall pass.

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Grief Angel

 

This past week has been all over the place.

As much as I try to stay positive, there are times that I just lose control.  It is simple, I miss him terribly.  This must be the "miss you" phase.

My family to coming to town just in time.  I have been missing them too and it complicates the feelings of grief.

It is just one of those phases that will pass quickly, I hope.

  

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I was never ready for you to leave

 

My normal grief feels like all of the above at the same time.

It happened so fast.

On that morning, I woke up and was startled to see the far away look in his eyes.  It seemed to me so strange that he was normal the night before, although I felt something was off for a few days.  One of my first thoughts was "I'm not ready for him to leave me."  He was already gone, but it was months before he passed away.  

Since that day, unbearable sadness has consumed me to the point of paralysis, not being able to do a thing at times.  Being alone is what I have craved and I can sometimes only make it from one minute to the next without breaking out in uncontrollable tears.  I thought I would never get through the phase of acceptance since I was not ready to lose him to begin with.  Even though he was not healthy, I never thought he would die so young.

I had already experienced the tremendous grief from losing my first husband and I knew what agony I was about to face again.

Are we ever ready to lose someone we love?

My grief has thankfully entered a new phase and I am happy to say that I am actually experiencing "normal" days.  It has taken me almost a year to accept that he had to leave, God was calling him.  But I now find myself moving past acceptance and through all the other phases that change from one day to the next.  But at least some days are good.  I know as time moves on the good days will appear with regularity.  It just takes time and lots of prayer.

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What Not To Say

Those close to us mean well, but when depression hits, there are certain things not to say to a depressed person . . . it is not helpful!

I found an article on the subject of what not to say . . . click here for the entire article.  The following quotation is an excerpt from the article on one of the most irritating things I don't want to hear when I'm really feeling down . . .

Number 3 on the list (and closely follows "just get over it") . . .

Leave Your House and You'll Feel Better

"Being depressed at home is bad. But being depressed in public is worse. It's like taking a job where you're supposed to know how to speak fluent Mandarin, and then starting that job even though you actually don't know a word. Sometimes it's better to let the sadness pass surrounded by the comforts of familiar surroundings."

Imagine the feeling of getting ready to jump off a plane without a parachute!

Apparently, some people (whom I am convinced are not going through depression and possibly never have) feel better when they escape the confines of their home and get out in the midst of other people.   I think they just enjoy being "out" and become bored if they stay home for too long.  I've heard it referred to as going "stir crazy," but they are NOT experiencing depression.

Bless their hearts, they are just trying to help and being around a loved one going through depression will leave one feeling helpless and hopeless.  Instead of making the depressed person feel better, they end up becoming angry since the afflicted one won't comply with their wishes (especially the one about getting out) and end up leaving them feeling like a freak of nature.  

It is a bad situation all the way around, the well meaning person ends up angry, helpless and hopeless . . . that is an important fact to remember when trying to "help."

In my case, it is not that I enjoy wallowing in self-pity . . . I don't like to inflict my bad feelings on other people.  It makes me so uncomfortable to try to cover up the awful feelings and act normal.  In the past, I have found when I do get out when severely depressed, those around me can't help but say one of the ten things not to say.

Most of all I don't want others observing me and judging what they are not fully understanding.  All I want is to be left alone and not feel weird about how I'm feeling on top of what I'm already going through.  

Especially around the holidays, when I have allowed others to talk me into going to a holiday function, I am beat up by repeatedly hearing "come on . . . tis the season to be jolly!!"  And here we go . . . I'm criticized, put in the "depressed" box by others, feel like a freak of nature and further withdraw into the "get me the hell out of here mode".  Just get over it . . . sure . . . I wish it was that easy to just wish it away!  I want to retreat to the comfort of my home and never hear this stuff again in my life.

Just because the calendar has reached a certain point in time does not mean that I am going to not be depressed.  In most cases, the holidays have triggered the depression for one reason or another.  The world is filled with those people who have a rough time around the holidays and just need their solitude to deal with it.  

Grief triggers the depression for me around the holidays.  The holidays were once a time of great joy with friends and family who are now gone and missed when memories of Christmas past arise.  I guess it is a natural thing that happens when we lose those we love and cherish.  It is an empty feeling that may lessen, but never goes away.  Trigger days are not fun!

Feeling more freakish on top of already feeling freaky is the last thing a depressed person needs, it will only compound bad feelings.  If you have a loved one who experiences depression, please educate yourself about depression . . . AND PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT NOT TO SAY!  

DON'T DO IT!  You could be contributing to keeping them in that state of freakiness longer!

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Perceptions of Sorrow

A mood of melancholy can overtake you today, blinding you to pleasures you usually value so highly. You may not know how to respond to this mind-set and may unwittingly prevent yourself from taking those actions that will bring you relief. If you allow yourself to withdraw from the world, you may find that a great weight is lifted from your shoulders. But you can further soothe yourself by reflecting upon the feelings plaguing you. The introspective activities you engage in can become the cornerstone of your efforts to regain your good spirits, and you will likely enjoy a renewed peace of mind before the day is through. 

The effect sadness has upon us is modulated by our perception of the feelings coursing through our hearts and minds. When we treat sorrow as little more than a crushing weight over which we have no power, it has the power to negatively impact our experience as a whole. If, however, we envision our low spirits as both a signal and an opportunity, we can take control of our feelings and use them to enrich ourselves through self-examination. Frequently, our sadness is an indication that we are denying some lingering issues that are capable of influencing our moods. In investigating our disposition using introspection as a tool, we can discover why we feel as we do. When you withdraw in your melancholy, you will soon come upon the cure that allows you to restore your good nature. 

 Source:  Daily Om

Overwhelming sadness has consumed me way too long.  Seems like it crept up on me and I haven't been able to shake it off.

I took a typical grief trigger day of what would have been my 34th wedding anniversary to JR way too hard . . . it was the most difficult year yet.  Maybe it is everything else going on.

The same problems persist and just won't go away anytime soon . . . it is all starting to get to me.

This too shall pass . . . just needed to let it out.

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Stop Me

An old love from the past had come back into my life.  It was an unresolved issue that haunted me most of my adult life.  He had joined the military and never came back . . . well, not until many years after I became a widow.  We had a second chance for a future together when he came back into my life through Classmates.com after all those years.  

To make a long story short . . . 
I walked away after determining that we were never meant to be.  

Although I was heartbroken, my wise decision brought the closure and resolution to one of the biggest heartaches of my youth.  At the time, I didn't see my decision as one of the greatest blessings of my life.

The irony of life and holding on to hope and faith . . .

One door closes and another opens! 

The Captain came into my life shortly after my decision to just walk away from what I determined was not my destiny and I wrote the following post.  There were no expectations, The Captain and I developed an awesome friendship that eventually turned into love and forever.

I'm grateful that no one tried to STOP ME!

This post was originally  published on 2/24/09

I have always held firmly to the thought
that each one of us can do a little to
bring some portion of misery to an end.

(Albert Schweitzer)

Isn't that the truth?
Don't we sometimes perpetuate our own misery?

I've caught myself midstream into a pity party and have finally been able to pick myself up in the midst of getting to that miserable place. It is an example of what we can learn to do in order to stop that vicious cycle of misery and finally bring it to an end.

Slaying the dragon . . .
it has been one of my biggest demons

In light of recent developments in my life that seems to be another vicious cycle . . . circumstances that make me deliriously happy and feeling as though I'm walking on clouds only to make my ascent from the heavenly clouds abrupt and painful. The disappointments keep happening.

Do I turn off that part of me that thoroughly enjoys expectations of happiness after such a long period of grief and misery? Every time I'm disappointed I go back and readdress expectations in my life. Next time I am going on about how happy I am . . . STOP ME . . . it is like the kiss of death.

Must I turn off that part of me that feels joy because romantic history continues to repeat itself and I always end up more unhappy than before the joy happened? Next time I am going on about feeling joy . . . STOP ME . . . it is like the kiss of death.

I'm learning to forget about great expectations . . . and to me, that is so very sad . . . it is part of the beauty and allure of the quest for love and romance . . . and so much a part of who I am.

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If I Had Wings

Since my leg is not cooperating with me and I can barely walk, I've had lots of time in the past two days to read through my old blogs and journals and amaze myself with how far I've come through the journey of turbulence in my life that nearly destroyed me.

The following post is actually two older posts originally written during different times in 2007 . . . negative, yet positive.

Many of these older posts are from my personal journals, but I post them to help others who may be going through a rough time in life. It does get better if that is what you truly desire. You are the only one who can help yourself.

I finally have my wings . . .



Originally written on
December 12, 2007

If you give me wings,

then I know I could fly,

If you give me truth,

then I swear I won’t tell you no lies

I’ll cruise through the blue of your sky

I will be free


lyrics from the song
I Will Be Free ~ Sandrine

It started yesterday and has intensified today . . . these bad feelings.

The holidays get me down every year since JR has been gone. I refer to the holidays as the lonely season now . . . I could be in a room full of people and feel more alone than if I am alone with my memories. It is an empty existence in a time that is supposed to be festive with no one special to share it with, even though every year I promise myself it is the year that I will change my attitude. Like everything else, it is a mindset, but most of us have been so steeped in tradition and the way "things are supposed to be" that when they are not, we feel like less of a person for some reason. At least I do. I just know that for another year, I'll feel better when that ball drops on New Years Eve when the proverbial slate is clean and the holidays are over.

In this not so happy time for me, I needed to post something positive
that will perhaps lift my spirits and give myself an attitude adjustment.

Originally posted to my personal blog
on October 17, 2007

There must be something in the air . . . so many of my friends are feeling down. Sometimes we have to play little tricks with our minds to pick ourselves back up and keep going. It is easier said than done and sometimes my booty hurts from falling so many times that I feel I should just stay down . . . why bother I ask myself so many times before picking myself up again . . . because I know better.

Why bother? Because we are all worth it. Look in the mirror and see the beautiful person staring back at you. If you don't like the reflection looking back at you, do something to change it to where you love it.

Music is one of my tricks to pick myself back up. This song has been so much of an inspiration to me. It reminds me of the talks I have with God, trying to make deals with him if he makes this or that happen. lol We all know it doesn't work that way, but we can make the request, can't we?

"If you give me truth, then I swear I won't tell you no lies" . . . such profound lyrics that I interpret as being finding yourself and being true to yourself . . . to me, that is what it is all about. Anything else is selling yourself short and it is not about being selfish. It is giving yourself the permission to care for yourself as much as you care for everyone else who pulls you in every direction until you feel you are backed into a corner that you can't get out of.

While I've had this amazing change of positive vibes that has lasted longer than usual on this roller coaster ride of my life, out of nowhere came waves of enormous sadness. I cried my eyes out, feeling so lonely, missing my love so much and wanting him to come back to me . . . so I wrote about it in my love blog, played a sad song and allowed myself to cry, I asked God to please give me peace, I wrote my grateful journal, made myself a cup of hot raspberry tea after a hot shower, gave myself a facial, painted my nails . . . and the sad time passed before I went to sleep.

I'm finding my ways to get past those moments because I can't let them linger . . . they will take over and that is when I get to that place, having fallen down and not wanting to get back up. I have to, no one is going to do it for me. The longer I stay down, the more difficult it is to get up.

I sincerely hope that something I said this morning
helps someone make it through the day a little easier.


The game of life

It is the only one we have.

Make it count with

peace, love and happiness.


Get your wings and have a beautiful day!

Lyrics


please give me patience to learn

please give me bridges to burn

don’t ask a thing in return

my courage is gone



don’t put your weight on me now

I’m trying to stand strong

but I’ve lost it somehow

the eagerness to get around

my courage is gone



Lord there must be a way

to get through this day



If you give me wings

then I know I could fly

If you give me truth

then I swear I won’t tell you no lies

I’ll cruise through the blue of your sky

I will be free



my vision has been compromised

awaring of these crying eyes

I’m praying for some peace of mind

my courage is gone

you said that there would be a way

to get through this day



If you give me wings

then I know I could fly

If you give me truth

then I swear I won’t tell you no lies

I’ll cruise through the blue of your sky

I will be free



I’ll be hiding no more

from your love like before

I’ll be bold I’ll be brave

I’ll be strong I’ll be safe

If you show me the way



If you give me wings

then I know I could fly

If you give me truth

then I swear I won’t tell you no lies (2x)

I’ll cruise to the blue of your sky

I will be free



I will finally be free

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