A Heavy Heart

The holidays are hitting me harder than usual this year.  I know it is the recent decision to put my sweet fur baby Kiki to sleep a month or so ago.  I miss her terribly and feel so much guilt since I had to sign that damn paper.  It has compounded the loss of two husbands.  The good memories both help and hurt me.

I have found many groups and pages on Facebook that have helped me cope.  The following is a poem from one of them.  The source is also listed.  I could have written this myself . . .

You think she's angry, but you don't see,

The weight she carries silently.

It’s not the rage that fills her eyes,

But tiredness in a thin disguise.

She's not furious, but worn and torn,

From dreams abandoned, hopes forlorn.

She’s tired, she’s weary, she’s feeling lost,

Paying life’s relentless cost.

She’s sinking deep in a sea of doubt,

Crying softly, without a shout.

Frustration builds, but not from hate

It’s the closed doors, the heavy weight.

She promised much, her dreams were bright,

But now she battles every night.

She wants to give, to rise, to shine,

But life’s harsh currents pull the line.

So when you see her weary stare,

Know it’s not anger, but despair.

She’s fighting hard to find her way,

Hoping tomorrow’s a kinder day.

- Christina Stewart

Source for photo and poem

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When your dog is your soulmate

 

As I have grieved my fur baby Kiki, I have sought out social media forums and communities dedicated to help grievers cope with that terrible phase in their life.  It is important to surround yourself with those who have and are walking the same journey, just wanting to find peace.  Below you will find a post that said everything I have been thinking about my little girl. 

It has been over a month since she's been gone and I am still so heartbroken.  Starting to take her kennel down, her "house," has proven to be one of the most difficult endeavors ever for me.  I feel like I am betraying her and trying to erase her existence, which is so far from reality.  It is tearing me up big time.

If you are walking in my shoes, feeling the loss of a pet and grieving in a profound way, the following group on Facebook is for you.  The article below will help you understand why you are having such a difficult time when others who don't understand just think you are being ridiculous and just need to get over it.  It is that magical connection that is still so strong and always will be.

Source for article and graphics: Serendipity Corner

"When your dog is your soulmate, it feels like they’ve seen the depths of who you are and decided to love you anyway, flaws and all. There’s no pretense with them. They don’t care if you’ve had a bad day, if you’re broken, or if you’re lost. They just stay. Not because they have to, but because, for some reason, their soul fits with yours in a way that makes everything feel a little lighter.

It’s not about them reading your mind or sensing your moods like it’s some magical connection. It’s more raw than that. It’s in the moments where you feel like you’ve got nothing left to give, and yet, somehow, they bring out the part of you that still cares. It’s in their eyes, how they look at you like you’re the only thing that matters. There’s no pretending with them—no need to put up walls or hold back emotions. With them, you’re exactly who you are, and that’s enough.

And it’s more than just love—it’s the way they make you see yourself differently, the way they pull you out of places you didn’t even know you were stuck in. The bond is stronger than anything life throws at you because it’s rooted in something so simple and pure. They don’t just support you—they remind you, in the most basic, honest way, that you’re worth being loved. And when the world feels cold or distant, they’re the one soul you can count on, no matter what.

R.M. Drake 

Artist Credit: Lisa Aisato"

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Grief is a strange journey

 

I've been going through another grief journey that has knocked me down pretty hard. Losing a pet is an indescribable grief.

In order to make a real attempt of going through this loss better than the losses of two husbands, I have discovered and remember how different the feelings are when it is an innocent little creature who can't tell you they are sick. Our pets want to make us happy. Some of them take it so seriously that they can be so sick and close to death, but don't want to bother you with it. Or so it seems.

Groups I have joined to cope with pet grief have opened my eyes to this. The majority of members say that they had no idea their pet was so gravely ill and it was too late to help them survive. Their described heartache matches mine. Total devastation at the loss of their precious best friend who was always so loyal and loving.

Although I am trying to stay busy and keep my mind occupied, my little Kiki is always on my mind. I've gone through so much guilt for not picking up that she was so sick. Those groups have helped me through that guilt. There is something to be said about surrounding yourself with those who understand what you are going through since they have experienced the same journey. The journey that never ends.

"Grief is a strange journey.

Each time we embark upon it, it is as though we have never taken its roads before.

No, I have that wrong: each grief brings us through a familiar landscape carved into unrecognizable contours.

For we do not only lose another person; we lose the person we were with the one we lost."

Patricia Monaghan

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The difficulty of grieving

Someone in a group I belong to told me that I'm in the "deep of grief" and I know that the way grief manifests itself changes with time.  But it never ever goes away.

My two recent losses, The Captain and my precious little Kiki were my immediate family that I lived with and loved day after day.  I am now completely lost with both of them gone.  My home is totally silent and feels so empty without them.  

When The Captain passed away, Kiki and I grew closer and we grieved together.  Dogs do grieve just like people, but in their own little way.  I have always taught my dogs to "talk" and Kiki took talking very seriously.  In our grieving together, she knew when I was going through a rough time and she would come to me and talk, hitting my leg with her paw, like to say "listen to me, I'm talking to you and want you to feel better."  The comforting look in her eyes was indescribable.  She comforted me like no human could and that made her so much more special than she already was.  

Now I am in the "deep of grief" over losing her company and comforting, resenting the fact that I can freely walk around and not worry about her tripping me since she was a Velcro dog.  I'm finding it so difficult to move past this and learn to live without her at my side every minute of every day.

I found this poem on the internet and it perfectly relates how I have been feeling since The Captain passed away and now Kiki. 

The harder we love

Means the harder we grieve

The harder it is

To go on when they leave

The harder to sleep

And the harder to wake

To know they’re not here

With each breath that we take

It’s hard to look forward

And hard to look back

Stuck in the middle,

Imprisoned and trapped

Where the harder the darkness

The harsher the light,

The harsher this world

That keeps spinning with life

But when that world’s feeling

So painful and hard

And you can’t imagine

Escaping the dark

It might help a little

To know it’s because

The harder we grieve

Means the harder we loved

******

Becky Hemsley 2023

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Run free little girl

 

As Kiki got older, I tried to protect myself from this time I am going through.

No matter what the vet told me, I was not convinced that she was as sick as he said.  She still did her cute little dance when it was time to eat like she always did, like a healthy dog at almost 16 years old.

My little partner, my little girl is gone and I am beyond heartbroken.  When I walk around the house, I still look down to make sure I am not stepping on her since she was always at my feet.  What a weird feeling it is for her not to be there.

Betsy and Buster were waiting for her at Rainbow Bridge.

Run free little girl.

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Dark Silence

 

As a person who has gone to sleep watching television forever  because I hate silence and am especially fearful of darkness, I was not in the best frame of mind with Hurricane Milton taking out my electricity before the storm even started and didn't come back on for three or four days later.  I have honestly lost track of time or even what day it is.

It had only been a few days since I had to put my precious fur baby Kiki to sleep, so I was a big mess already.  A week or so before, Kiki and I went through Hurricane Helene alone with her on my lap on the couch . . . having her with me was a comfort and I felt better.  I went through the latest hurricane sitting alone on the couch without the emotional comfort of my precious girl.  I miss her so much.

The dark silence of those days haunted me, making the feelings of grief and the hole in my heart from losing Kiki and The Captain even more intense, making me lonelier than I have ever felt in my life.  But I remained as calm as I could possibly be and made it through a very stressful time.  Honestly, I did have a few times of freaking out.  I'm not a brave person, but have become stronger as I get older and experience more life.

The storm was brutal.  News reports state that Tampa received winds of up to 100 mph.  They were not all gusts . . . at times the winds were sustained for what seemed like forever.  I thought the roof was going to fly off my house, but it didn't.  God was there to protect me.  The only damage was a knocked over mailbox.  Surprising and grateful!

Going through the process of hearing the news that Kiki was sick and ultimately having her put to sleep was one of the worse times I have ever experienced in my life.  She was my baby and constant companion for 12 years, but she had an awesome life with so much love after the Captain and I rescued her from the shelter.  They found her roaming the streets, lost and alone.  That is another story.  

I guess God doesn't think I need peace yet.  He has more for me to learn.

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Pets . . . the story of Buster

One of the joys in life . . . our pets

This is an old Yahoo 360 post that was an entry in "Picture Perfect" . . . comments follow the post 

Today I was thinking about how much I miss having a pet after having so many in my life that have run away or passed away.

This week's Picture Perfect theme is

"ANTICIPATION"

My pets are like my kids and once again, one of my babies is the subject of my Picture Perfect entry.

This is Buster, he was a terrier mutt that my dad found and brought home for me since at the time, I didn't have a pet and he thought I needed one. His nickname was Red . . . he had reddish-brown hair and had lips like a human . . . for real . . . he even knew how to use those lips correctly to pout. This dog was too funny!!

Buster was the most piggish dog I have ever owned.

When given the chance, he would skillfully

steal food in a heartbeat.

The photo is Christmas morning opening presents . . . Buster is anticipating a treat from his Christmas present of a box of doggie treats. The photo is a little blurry because he was moving and I was trying to keep him under control so we could get a decent photo of him with his Christmas present. lol Do you see him licking his lips? He always did that around food . . . and act like a crazy dog until he got his little morsel of happiness. I never saw a dog enjoy food with so much gusto.

The next photo is much clearer of him licking his lips in anticipation of stealing food this time. There was food on the coffee table and he wanted at it really bad. Check out the look in his eyes . . . what a character he was!! Food drove him nuts!! It was difficult to have a party with him around . . . we had to be very careful where the food was placed or put him outside.

He was also very funny when I was cooking . . . I didn't have to worry about dropping anything on the floor and having to clean up . . . he was my live vacuum cleaner. The only thing he would not eat was garlic. You know that if you feed dogs raw garlic they won't get fleas . . . well, he would not eat it unless I disguised it wrapped up in ham and cheese or something similar.

Buster is another one of my babies who has passed and now resides at Rainbow Bridge . . . I miss his silly little personality, gluttonous and very sweet ways. He was a charmer . . . we could take him anywhere, he was the perfect little well behaved gentleman unless food was involved.

Comments (48 total)


Gagan…
FTC, me Ginaaaaaaaaaaaa ... wow you look soooo beautiful ... nice take on theme. Nice day there and nite. Mine is not yet prepared. I am sorting my folders for that. Let's see on Friday then.

Wednesday October 3, 2007 - 10:36pm (CEST)


Natur…
So funny! He probably never got over having to be hungry when he was on the streets as a stray. I had a dog once that stole food. He was huge and could eat food right off the dinner table. I remember once he ate a whole lunch meat tray off the table at Christmas while I was not paying attention. (except for the swiss cheese, hehe). Great photo for the ANTICIPATION theme.

Wednesday October 3, 2007 - 04:42pm (EDT)


Reymu…
What cute pictures. You look so happy with your baby.

Wednesday October 3, 2007 - 03:50pm (CDT)


Le-La
Hi Gina, my Mum has had dogs, cats, birds since I can remember and they all had their own little quirky characteristics.
We would name them accordingly and it would be bizzare how well their names suited them. Some were mischievious, some sly and yes some gluttinous. I so understand when you related the food put somewhere high or they were outside. We had some great laughs with our pets and they still bring Mum such joy.
Love your post.

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 08:10am (EST)


Mare
Hi Gina!!! I love the pictures of the poochies they are sooo cute oh yeah and you are beautiful too !!!! hehehe love ya Gina

Wednesday October 3, 2007 - 07:06pm (EDT)



xxxxx…
OMG, he's sooo cute.. I bet he loved Christmas time. lol

Wednesday October 3, 2007 - 05:14pm (PDT)


Cathe…
Hi Gina, Buster sounds like a real sweetie. I didn't know if you gave dogs garlic, they wouldn't get fleas. You're so pretty-look at that hair! Thanks for sharing this.:)

Wednesday October 3, 2007 - 06:36pm (PDT)


Scalo…
You look great together both appear to be very happy I guess you do love your baby and your buster baby loves you too it seems. Have a great weekend.

Wednesday October 3, 2007 - 10:12pm (EDT)


Take …
That is too cute..Yes he is excited and the look of anticipation is priceless. :)

Wednesday October 3, 2007 - 10:17pm (EDT)



…
This is cute. It reminded of my son's dog, Boomer. He used to sit under the table when we ate, just waiting for someone to drop something. We couldn't leave anything edible within his reach.

Wednesday October 3, 2007 - 07:45pm (PDT)




great job.......I think that i might post mine tomorrow....oh the anticipation!!!!

Wednesday October 3, 2007 - 07:49pm (PDT)


shirley
Nice job! he is sooo adorable.I can see his anticipation

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 01:02pm (SGT)


elly s
sooooo sweet
you both look so happy n love each other...
I have cat as a pet

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 01:07pm (SGT)


Emmm
Those eyes are just burning holes in whatever he had his sights set on. I had a dog like that - dedicated to the pursuit of the smallest morsel. Your story has brought back some fond memories. Thank you for sharing this.
Mines up too.

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 01:09am (EDT)


devil…
Your little guy is too adorable. I love such adorable dogs and isnt it wild how we get so attached to our pets. They really are something special. A great job on these weeks theme.

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 01:22am (EDT)


Cherie
Yes I can see in Buster's eye the look of anticipation and michief no wonder he stole your heart.

Wednesday October 3, 2007 - 11:00pm (PDT)


Natty
Thank you for sharing, he's cute! Anticipation all around. :) Mine will be up tomorrow.

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 11:28am (CEST)



::Rii::
Hei Gina

Heheh!! Lol
He sure is anticipating all right.
Good take.
HUGZ from Rii xx

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 01:09pm (CEST)


Luxy
Another happy baby! Feed him geez!!! lol

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 07:27am (EDT)




Man's best friend also womens i reckon they give out so much love and affection. I miss a dog in our house for cleaning up the mess our kids drop on the carpet oh well..... at least the vaccuum works lol. Nice photo of you both!, enjoy the weekend.

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 06:12am (PDT)


Harma…
Doggies!

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 11:39pm (JST)


ஐ♥ღDe…
OMG....too cute....dogs are soooo much fun....what a cutie he was and it sounds like his personality was awesome!

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 10:56am (EDT)


*MaRi…
So sweet!!! :D

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 05:44pm (CEST)


ღ♥Lis…
Aww, great pic, I bet you do miss him!

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 12:22pm (EDT)


Suzy Q
That is so cute! We know who is spoiled now~ great pic thanks for sharing

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 11:30am (PDT)


Umman C

Good memories keep us happy. You two look very nice. Have a good day.
Thursday October 4, 2007 - 02:20pm (CDT) Remove Comment



John O
LOL A whole new perspective on the phrase "Chow Hound"

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 09:02am (GMT+12)


360 o…
i have a puppy...only 45 days old...he is very bitey..OOPS

Friday October 5, 2007 - 02:40am (IST)


True …
Offline
Anticipation & Excitement!! He wants that treat - He is cute G

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 04:27pm (CDT)


Buch
it's amazing how much joy a dog can bring... i've seen that anticipation look so many times on pets, especially when it comes to food, lol... great pics!!!

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 05:36pm (EDT)


GG:NF
Very cute Gina. I hve two vacuum cleaners here too so i know exactly what you mean....LOL.

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 02:50pm (PDT)


'chel…
I like this one! I ALMOST did this with Rocky. He's the same way around food! I knew just what you were talking about when you mentioned that gleam in his eyes!

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 05:53pm (CDT)



♥Fran…
Hey Gina Great minds think alike... love your blog and your dog is precious.. I have such a heart for animals... Mine is alot like yours.

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 08:43pm (EDT)


Nick
Why is it that all pets no matter how much you feed them they always want what you have on your plate.. great post I to love all my pets..

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 10:01pm (EDT)


Sienn…
He's a sweety pie! I loved seeing the photos of you, too!!! The Rainbow Bridge poem is the best.

Your dad gave you a wonderful gift giving him to you and you gave Buster a loving home. xo

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 09:13pm (CDT) Remove Comment


Kim K
what a great present from your dad.. doggies and daddies are just gifts.. wonderful pictures too....

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 10:58pm (EDT)



Scatt…
Anaimals are too funny.... There is always anticipation around food. When I cook the dogs will not leave the kitchen no matter what game the children are offering them. The anticipation of scraps coming there way is too much......

Friday October 5, 2007 - 08:39am (GST)



A Fac…
Buster's anticipation is just sooo apparent!!! Great pics. Are dogs ever out of the state of anticipating food????? Great blog as always!!!!!!

Friday October 5, 2007 - 12:50am (EDT)




ahhhh I love Dogsss

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 11:42pm (PDT)



ღஜLov…
What a sweet post! Mine is up have a great weekend!

Friday October 5, 2007 - 12:27pm (CDT)




Love that pic of him lickin' his chops. Too funny.

Friday October 5, 2007 - 10:43am (PDT)


♥♀♂Ŵħ…
Awww Gina what awesome photo's of you and your precious pups!! You can feel the love with just a single glance... they are so lucky to have you to care for them!! I'm sure they anticipate being spoiled by mama eh?! Have a great weekend girl ~ Hugs and Love

~Bren~

Friday October 5, 2007 - 02:30pm (EDT)




Awww how sweet! I have two dogs that are my babies also! Have a great weekend!

Friday October 5, 2007 - 06:32pm (EDT)



Marie
what a mischievous look he has on his face! I'll bet Thanksgiving was his favorite day of the year :D

Friday October 5, 2007 - 10:13pm (EDT)


Linda O
Buster shows us real anticipation!
Can sure tell he is loved and sure loves you!

Saturday October 6, 2007 - 12:29am (CDT)



not h…
Just now making rounds. How precious. Love furr-baby and real baby shots so much. He looked like a very loved ad happy furr-baby. Maybe he's met a couple of my furr babies at Rainbow Bridge and they are frolicking together.

Lovely shots Gina...and such wonderful memories. thanks for sharing both

Saturday October 6, 2007 - 01:41pm (CDT)


Annette
...great photos and story.... enjoyed reading your posting... thanks so much for sharing...

Saturday October 6, 2007 - 03:57pm (CDT)

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Loss of a Pet

A house is certainly not a home without a dog.  I know this from a very painful experience.

After my sweet Betsy passed away, it took me years to adopt another dog.  It was the biggest mistake I ever made, but I only realized it when we adopted Kiki after the Captain and I got married.   

He recognized my love for dogs and convinced me to just visit the Humane Society in our area and at least get the feel for another dog.  It was love at first sight when I spotted Kiki in her cage being all sassy and spunky.  We adopted her immediately and it was one of the best things I have done for myself ever.

Although I will never forget my sweet Betsy and hold her in my heart forever, I feel so blessed to have found this sweet little bundle of joy I now have in my life.  Losing Betsy makes me cherish every minute I have with Kiki even more than I would have before.

I found this awesome poem and it brought on all these thoughts about losing a pet and it touched me so much.  Maybe it will be a comfort to anyone else who has lost a precious pet and feels that big hole in their heart.

Loss of a Pet

IF IT SHOULD BE

If it should be that I grow weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then you must do what must be done,
For this last battle cannot be won.

You will be sad, I understand,
Don't let your grief then stay your hand,
For this day, more than all the rest,
Your love for me must stand the test.

We've had so many happy years,
What is to come can hold no fears,
You'd  not want me to suffer so,
The time has come - please let me go.

Take me where my need they'll tend,
And please stay with me till the end,
Hold me firm and speak to me,
Until my eyes no longer see.
I know in time that you will see,
The kindness that you did for me.

Although my tail its last has waved,
from pain and suffering I've been saved,
Please do not grieve - it must be you,
Who had this painful thing to do.
We've been so close, we two, these years;
Don't let your heart hold back its tears.

-- Anonymous--

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Pet Grief

When I lost my sweet Betsy, the grief was as overwhelming as losing a member of the family.  To make matters worse, it was during the Christmas season.

That was back in 1999, the end of a decade and the end of one of the most treasured relationships in my life. The loss of a pet can be devastating and most people don't understand the pain involved.  I still think of her often, especially when I look into the loving eyes of my sweet Kiki, whose little personality reminds me so much of Betsy.

Click here for an article about pet grief . . . hope it helps someone who is hurting about the loss of a beloved pet.

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Pets are so cool

Lately I've been thinking about how important having a pet is.  I recently wrote about the day that Buddy the dog ran away and how heartbroken I was on many levels.  The part that really made me sad was the resulting fear of dogs after he bit me.  

It wasn't until I read the following post from 2007 today that I realized how much loss and grief I had experienced since Betsy, my beloved baby girl beagle, died a year before JR died.  Buster the dog died a year or two before Betsy.  Both of them were a part of our family for well over 10 years.  Buddy appeared in our yard shortly after Buster died.  

Our cockatiel family, Petey Goober and Miss Loolie, started sometime in the early 90's.  My proudest endeavor was raising their baby bird, Miss Doobie, from the moment she kicked out of the egg . . . but that is another story.  

JR and I always had more than one pet and that so enriched our lives since we were both huge animal lovers.

Since The Captain and I adopted Mimi and Kiki last year, I realize how much more pleasant my life would have been if I would have immediately adopted another dog after Buddy ran away.  But I didn't . . . it took me four years.  Those four years were the first that I didn't have a pet in my life.  I was completely alone and so lonely until The Captain came into my life.

Although it has been over a year since we adopted Mimi and Kiki, they are still not "friends" . . . and my latest quest has been to find a way to make them love each other like all my other pets have in the past.  It is so much better than in the beginning when there was constant barking and hissing.  Such is life with a dog and a cat . . . a life that I have not experienced before now.   They finally tolerate each other and can be in the same room at the same time.

Those four years without a pet were the loneliest days of my life and I never want a time in my life where I don't have a pet again.



This entry was originally published on June 25, 2007

Buddy was talking to me today in that sweet little voice that dogs have that only their owners understand and recognize. Poor little guy is so bored . . . if I am bored with my life I can imagine how he feels and I believe pets pick up our vibes too. Anyway, I was hearing that bizarre little sound, so I went to his room and asked him what was the problem . . . LOL, I know . . . don't laugh, but he DOES answer . . . I may not not know his exact words, but I get the gist of what he is saying.

The understanding was . . . wait a minute and I'll show you . . . and ran back to his cage, meticulously went through his collection of toys and came back with his tennis ball, dropped it to the ground and looked up at me with those puppy dog eyes.

It almost made me want to cry! Although Petey, my bird who passed away last week, couldn't play ball with him, I believe they had some kind of communication thing. Petey was a talker and I could hear him sometimes and I would think . . . he's talking to Buddy.

Buddy is going through grief again. We have been through it together. First Miss Betsy, my beagle girl . . . JR, my husband who spoiled and loved Buddy so much, the mama and baby cockatiels who also talked to him, now Petey last week. All this loss, one per year . . . it takes its toll. And I wonder how much a dog remembers and for how long . . .

All I know is that he is having a rough time since Petey died and I've been hearing that little voice more and more every day. So I've made a point of spending more time with him . . . we have been having fun playing ball, pull the rope and that all stuff we do with our dogs to show them our love and affection. Poor little guy is hurting . . . and it breaks my heart . . . because our pets are so cool, they give us so much and ask so little in return.

Dogs have always enriched my life and given me so much joy and love . . . the following came through one of my groups and I thought I would share it today. It brought me up as I was feeling down . . . it is so cool how dogs can do that for me.


When I am Old . . .
I shall wear Turquoise and soft gray sweatshirts...
and a bandana over my silver hair...
and I shall spend my Social Security Checks
on Sweet Wine and My Dogs...
and sit in my house on my well-worn chair,
and listen to my dog's breathing.

I will sneak out in the middle of a warm Summer night
and take my dogs for a run, if my old bones will allow...
and when people come to call,
I will smile and nod as I show them my dogs...
and talk of them and about them...
The Ones so Beloved of the Past
and the Ones so Beloved of Today....

I still will work hard cleaning after them
and mopping and feeding them
and whispering their names in a soft, loving way.
I will wear their gleaming drool on my throat like a jewel,
and I will be an embarrassment to all, and my family...
who have not yet found the peace in being free
to have dogs as your Best Friends....

These friends who always wait,
at any hour, for your footfall...
and eagerly jump to their feet out of a sound sleep,
to greet you as if you are a God.
With warm eyes full of adoring love
and hope that you will stay and hug their big, strong necks...
and kiss their dear sweet heads...
and whisper to them of your love and the
beautiful pleasure of their very special company....

I look in the Mirror...
and see I am getting old....
this is the kind of woman I am...
and have always been.
Loving dogs is easy, they are part of me,
accept me for who I am,
My dogs appreciate my presence in their lives...
When I am old this will be important to me...
you will understand when you are old....
and if you have dogs to love too.

Author Unknown

Your dog is the one thing on earth
that loves you more than himself

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Howl at the moon!

There are lazy days like today, when I like to go back through my old blogs and journal entries to get a feel for a moment in time when life was not so great.  It makes me feel so grateful for the life changes I have made and so appreciative of my new little family.  

When I recollect a place in time, like the time in June of 2008 when Buddy the dog bit me and ran away, the darkness momentarily creeps up on me like a bad dream.  He was JR's beloved dog, who resented me no matter how much love I gave him.  It is like he blamed me for JR's death . . . even though I know that a dog does not have that capacity . . . or do they? 

As if she knew that darkness was creeping up on me, my sweet little furbaby Kiki came to where I am sitting at the computer and put her little paw on my arm, and I could feel her telling me "it is OK mommy, the nightmare is over" . . . animals know!  The love in those big brown eyes made me realize that I am so lucky that The Captain convinced me it was time to adopt our sweet furbabies last year.

I still have times of momentary darkness when it feels like full moon madness and wanting to howl at the moon as loudly as I can.  The sadness and grief of missing my "previous family" trips me up and takes me back.  On the other hand, I never want to forget them . . . they were a huge part of my life.  The difference is that I have my new family and the loneliness has disappeared.

Today I am so blessed that I found that man to love, be loved by and spend the rest of my life with and sweet Kiki and Mimi to share our lives with.  I thought of that this morning when we were all sitting on the bed, the fur babies wanting love and attention from us . . . we share so much love.

My love of dogs overshadowed the fear of my previous experience in June of 2008 that brought on a fear of dogs that I thought would never go away.  And The Captain introduced me to the world of cats that I had never explored before we adopted Mimi.

Time does heal . . .



This entry was originally published on June 8, 2008 Is there a full moon out? This week has been non-stop full moon madness . . . not just this week, it started around Mother's Day. Things felt better, I picked myself up and the past couple of days have knocked me down again big time . . . but no, I'm not defeated . . . this time I feel strong and determined to shed this phase of full moon madness.

Buddy is gone . . . he ran away after biting my foot . . . it took me at least an hour to stop the bleeding. Did I mention that it hurts like hell and I want to scream every time I put my weight on my foot?

My heart is broken . . . when I opened the door to put my foot under the outside hose so I would not get blood all over my floors, he ran out and would not come back during a fierce thunder and lightning storm.

Something bizarre has been going on with the little guy lately. Every time there was a storm, he would cry like a baby and want in the house. I kept him in my back room that was secured with a doggie gate . . . he wasn't allowed in the main part of the house since he is so destructive. He learned how to knock the gate down and pretty much broke the gate, making it easy for him to escape.

I thought he would be back by now . . . and really, I'm having mixed feelings. I love him, he has been my baby for something like 12 years. I've made jokes about him being Cujo, but he DID turn on me at a time of high anxiety without me putting a hand on him. I'm too scared of him, which is part of the problem, he is a spoiled dog who gets no discipline because I didn't want him to bite me.

Hopefully, he has already found another home where he doesn't feel such resentment towards his master. It just seems like since JR died, he was never the same . . . neither one of us has been . . .

This has broken my heart and now I'm so scared of dogs. Dogs have always been such a huge part of my life . . . but I was never so fiercely bitten before.

I've been thinking of what my life is gonna be like without my little Buddy.

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I'm back, but not really?

My routine has been compromised by the Christmas holiday and The Captain on a different work schedule for the next week or so.  Although I'm a creature of habit, I can be moved in a different direction but need time to adjust.

Our Christmas was awesome . . . not only because it was the first Christmas together for The Captain and I, but for the first time since I became a widow, I actually enjoyed being in a room full of people and felt like part of the real world again.  It was great to get together with family and enjoy some quality time that has been a long time coming.

We were presented with a gift from God . . . a sweet kitty showed up out of nowhere and decided to make our yard its home.  Little by little, we have introduced him to living indoors and the wild thing is now in the house permanently.  He has adjusted nicely after a day of standing by the door so he could chase the poor squirrels.

The one thing I haven't liked is when he proudly appeared with a baby squirrel in his mouth and proceeded to make it a snack while The Captain and I were enjoying a cup of coffee and relaxing in our outdoor dining area.  ugggghhhhh it totally grossed me out!  

It's nature's way . . . and hastened our decision to make him an inside cat.  We both love feeding the squirrels and watching them run around outside.  They are as pets too!

As a loyal dog lover, I never had a cat as a pet . . . another adjustment I am getting used to.  When he first showed up, I had no idea of how to care for a cat.  I'm learning fast!  At the moment, we have no idea if Willie the Wonder Cat is male or female . . . we just started calling him Willie and it stuck.

Activities on the domestic front have kept me busy and away from blogging.  The time I have spent on the computer has been entering giveaways . . . I've developed a new obsession.  The winnings are slowly arriving and I'm thrilled at the concept of receiving these items for free!  The more I win, the more time I spend on giveaways.

The Christmas stuff is coming down today . . . we are anxious to get Willie settled into his area and also assemble the exercise bike that is doing neither one of us any good in the box.  Lots of changes!  We still plan on adopting a dog, but first need to get Willie comfortable in his surroundings.

How was your Christmas holiday?

Having a difficult time getting
 back into the routine too?

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Blue sky day

Finally . . . a weather warm up in Central Florida.

If you read the last post, you will know that I am one happy person today . . . temps in the 70's by this afternoon!!  Now I can get to the mounds of laundry that has been haunting me this week.

It really feels like a blue sky day.  That saying originates from a soap I watched for many years . . . many of you probably still watch it . . . All My Children.  The character Ryan spoke of his now departed mom, who gave him his blue sky days in the midst of a horrific childhood.  He fondly recalled his happy days often on the soap and I never forgot it.  Happy days are like that . . . even if they are not memorable.

Today is my mom's birthday . . . also my cousin Vince's birthday and my friend Rhonda too.  It is also the day my sweet girl dog Betsy passed away 10 years ago.  The date is memorable and bittersweet at the same time.  Any day can be a blue sky day . . . it is what you make of it, despite the life circumstances that surround you.

Rather than think negatively about this day and the passing of the sweetest little baby I've ever encountered in my life . . . she WAS like a baby to me . . . I'm gonna have a blue sky day even though I still haven't gotten over her being gone.  She was my constant companion and gave me years of love and joy.

Betsy was the little girl I never had and I treated her that way . . . look at how I dressed her up . . . I would even paint her toenails.  And she loved it.  When I painted her nails, she would hold her little paw up for me.

She was my prissy girl!

My husband passed away two years after . . . while I was still grieving the loss of my little baby.  These days I celebrate having both in my life and experiencing innocent, unconditional love that I was blessed to feel.  

Thinking back, I realize why I had so many years of being lost and screwed up, wound up tight like a spring, ready to uncoil and crawl out of my skin at any minute.  They were my immediate family . . . here one day and gone the next.  It can be devastating . . . and it was for me.  But I've come back to life again.

In all the years she has been gone, I have not replaced her.  We had another dog, who was my husband's dog, but that little bugger totally hated me, especially after my husband died, but that's another post that I've already written that is buried somewhere in this blog.

My nickname for him was Cujo . . . not a cool dog.

The Captain informed me this weekend that it is time for us to get a dog.  I agree wholeheartedly!!  Now that I am not working away from home, I have all the time in the world to give another baby dog all my love.  So it was decided . . . we will be on a quest to find another baby girl for me to love after the holidays.  I can't wait!!

"Our perfect companions never
have fewer than four feet"

Colette

Animals can be living proof of a simple abundant source of love . . . 
we just have to let them into our lives and allow them
 to be our creature comfort.

Dogs are definitely my creature comfort!

Hope you all have a blue sky day :)

  

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