There are some lines in the song "Falling Down" from Duran Duran that have inspired me today:
"Why has the sky turned gray?
Hard to my face and cold on my shoulder.
Why has my life gone astray?
Why has my luck run dry?"
Defense mode is where I'm at, I've fallen down because of it and forgiveness has been impossible to come by.
Before I hit the ground, someone I love very much was hurting very badly and I could not bear her pain any longer. As a result, I did something I thought was right.
I still think I was right, but feeling like I'm in defense mode and I hate it, resent those responsible very much even though I still love them and don't want them out of my life. My intentions were good, but they blew up in my face.
I am not an effective confronter and people generally use it against me!
I came across an old newsletter from Mastin Kipp and the following excerpt from his writing took over my thoughts.
"The pain was a little deeper than normal because these are folks I care about and respect. On top of that, I really try my best to walk my talk, so when I mess up, I am really good at beating myself up, which is like a double negative and almost worse than the original mistake."
First let me say that I don't relate because I think "I messed up" . . . it is beating myself up over the situation with people I love that has me relating. The double negative is trying to make the hurting stop to begin with and ending up with these ugly feelings personally.
My usual mode is to stay out of conflicts and to remain in a neutral position, but that is great when nothing has touched me. Mess with someone I love who I see hurting and I go blind, throwing all neutral attitudes out the window. I am proud of myself for attempting to make the problem disappear, no matter the consequences.
Sometimes things don't work out as planned.
Why am I beating myself up over this? I want to be peaceful, contemplate what has gone by and I get the feeling others want confrontation that is like sweeping it under the rug and try to pin the blame on me for coming forward to begin with.
At this time I don't want or need the conflict or confrontation. For this I feel like I've fallen down, but it is the only thing I can do right now. It is what I can handle emotionally.
Don't you hate when someone dances around a story?
As usual, I am writing to let my feelings out and hope to get rid of these times of beating myself up.
Sorry for the vagueness, but my blog is no longer anonymous and I'll get myself into more of a pickle if I explain. :(
Times like these make me regret bringing my blogs into the reality of my life and all who are involved.
I hate regrets!
Hopefully there is something in my story that will help someone else, which is why I love writing about how I am feeling.
When you have fallen down, you think you are the only one who is there. If you have . . . do what I'm going to do . . . come to terms with the situation, get up, dust yourself off and start all over again.
What will be will be . . . in the meantime, I choose to remain stubborn!
