Looking back

 

Caught in my fears

Blinking back the tears

I can't say you hurt me

When you never let me near

Lyrics from

Long Long Time

by Linda Ronstadt

Today has been a day of looking back at memories from different times of my life and all the love and close relationships I have experienced.  Some good, some bad . . . just like everyone else.

The most frustrating were the ones I didn't understand, but allowed myself to love anyway and sometimes got hurt.  Some people never let you in, no matter how close you think you are.  Still, I have no regrets.  

Those lyrics are somewhat contradictory, yet they ring true. 

I no longer have fears of close relationships because I am done with them.  My experiences with trust issues have crammed my lifetime.  I want the rest of my life to be content with what I have and the awesome memories that occupy my mind.

As times goes on, it seems to me that people in general have turned so cold, heartless, lacking compassion . . . I include myself in that statement.  I'd rather spend the time I have left alone with God to keep me company.  

Life wasn't always that way and it makes me sad.  I only see glimpses of the world I once knew.

read more

Living Alone and Being Lonely . . . Or Not?

There have been several times in my life that I've lived alone.  

Twice more than 10 years each time.

On the subject of living alone or being lonely, living alone doesn't necessarily mean being lonely.  Of course there will be times when loneliness will get to anyone, but most of us have a choice to get out and be around people when loneliness hits.  However, I do know from experience that you can be lonely in a room full of people, but that is another discussion.

Living alone also means having to take care of everything around the house or pay someone to do it for you.  That is the problem that faces me.  The older I get, the greater the difficulty, especially for someone like me that does not like to ask for help.

These days I specifically miss The Captain himself, the companionship and our discussions.  Sometimes I forget and start to shout out a thought not remembering that he is not in the other room and he never will be again.  With him passing away not that long ago, the grief has been fresh and I have wanted to be alone, not even wanting to talk to someone on the phone.    

On the lighter side . . . living alone means not having to deal with another person's moods or them dealing with yours . . . you only have to pick up after yourself . . . you can have control of the remote control and watch whatever you like . . . you can do whatever you want to do without considering what the other person thinks.

On a normal day, I think any of us will go back and forth on the subject.  Just because we all have that time where it is "all about me."  Right?  You know it is true!

read more

Holidays and Difficult Times

The holidays alone can bring on difficult times for so many in this world for many reasons.  I found an excellent article entitled "Difficult Times" that describes it perfectly.  It is posted further on this post, along with a link to the awesome website it comes from.

Holiday difficult times have struck me for more than just one year.  I wrote about one period of time following the death of my first husband JR.  He passed on in October, when it seems like the holiday can't wait to descend upon us.  The first year was almost unbearable . . . I just wanted to die myself.  Click here for that post, Sentimental Lady.

This year finds me with new life circumstances . . . a tree that is still crushing my house thanks to Hurricane Irma. 

Although I have tried to maintain a positive attitude as time creeps by with FEMA taking their sweet time looking over our appeal since they denied us financial help back in October, it becomes more difficult by the day.  

Not being able to go back home since September and not knowing if FEMA is going to accept our appeal for assistance is taking its emotional toll on me no matter how strong I try to be. 

My crushing house and the resulting life circumstances, along with memories of my old life and the grief associated with loved ones who are gone and missed have ushered in another dreaded holiday.  

Of course I am truly grateful for everything I have been blessed with, but there are those difficult holiday times where I am just downright depressed and have a difficult time pulling myself out of it.

This too shall pass . . . thank you for your prayers!

  

I am sharing this quote from a Facebook friend's wall . . .

"This is a difficult time of year for many who struggle with depression. The toughest time of the year for depression tends to be around the Holidays. Please be aware of those around you. Say an extra prayer, touch an extra hand, smile an extra smile. You are the difference! Please take the time to put this on your wall to help raise awareness of, and for those who have mental health difficulties." 

The following is an awesome post I found that fits perfectly with my post . . .

Difficult Times

BY MADISYN TAYLOR We can also benefit from times of constriction and difficult to help us grow and learn. It can be very challenging to maintain a positive attitude and a measure of faith when you are in the midst of difficult times. This is partly because we tend to think that if the universe loves us we will experience that love in the form of positive circumstances. However, we are like children, and the universe is our wise mother who knows what our souls need to thrive better than we do. Just as a young child does not benefit from getting everything she wants, we also benefit from times of constriction and difficulty to help us grow and learn. If we keep this in mind, and continue to trust that we are loved even when things are hard, it helps us bear the difficult time with grace. This period of time in history is full of difficulty for a lot of human beings, and you may feel less alone knowing you are not being singled out. There are extreme energy changes pulsing through the universe at every level and, of course, we are all part of the growing process and the growing pains. It helps if we remember that life is one phase after another and that this difficult time will inevitably give way to something new and different. When we feel overwhelmed we can comfort ourselves with the wise saying: This too shall pass. At the same time, if you truly feel that nothing is going right for you, it's never a bad idea to examine your life and see if there are some changes you can make to alleviate some of the difficulty. Gently and compassionately exploring the areas giving you the most trouble may reveal things you are holding onto and need to release: unprocessed emotions, unresolved transitions, or negative ways of looking at yourself or reality. As you take responsibility for the things you can change, you can more easily surrender to the things you can't, remembering all the while that this phase will, without doubt, give way to another.

read more

What do you really need?

Powerful words from Dr. Wayne Dyer.

I've finally reached that place in life where I have realized what I need.  To love, to be loved, good health and enough money to live comfortably.

The money part can be subjective.  Some people need more than others.  I'm happy to have a roof over my head, electricity and utilities, computer and internet, good food, a reliable vehicle and going out to eat on occasion.

Since I'm retired, I don't need to be buying clothes and shoes all the time. hmmmm I don't remember the last time I bought a new outfit.  It doesn't matter.  I have enough clothes in my closet!

We stick to a strict budget and plan for special purchases, which includes those things we really don't need, but want.  I can't explain how special those "want" purchases are now . . . I appreciate them.  

In my working days everything I wanted was a need and I didn't do without. What that got me is a house full of stuff I really don't need.  I didn't appreciate the emotional value of anything.

It made a huge difference in my life.  

Do you know what you really need?

"You have succeeded in life when all you 

really want is only what you really need." 

Vernon Howard

read more

Sentimental Lady . . . my favorite post from the past

As another holiday season approaches, this will be my second "normal" holiday since I became a widow. As with last year, I'm giving thanks  and being grateful for what we have individually been blessed with . . . good and bad. I continue to be grateful and thankful for finding my path . . . and the one to love and be loved by that I was searching for.  The awful feeling of dreading the approaching holidays of the past decade or so has been replaced with child-like anticipation, like it used to be before my world was turned upside down with the death of  my first husband. While I don't have a problem with the festivities of the holiday and actually looked forward to them this year, I still can't handle decorating the house for Christmas.  I just can't do it and don't want to. I will never EVER forget those awful tortured feelings of completely dreading the holiday and have a special place in my heart for those less fortunate . . . those who are dealing with those emotions this holiday season. The following entry is from the nightmare phase of my life and it is like I have always said . . . this too shall pass . . . and it did.  Thank God! The following entry was originally posted on December 4, 2007 and remains my favorite post ever. December . . . the magical time of year is upon us . . . yet in contrast, brings us the longest and darkest nights of the year . . . perhaps delivering the mystical powers of the moon. Isn't it all an illusion anyway, how we perceive our lives? Where we are in life . . . happy time,  sad time, time of transition? The magical season is believed by many to hold miracles . . . Santa Claus and fairy tales. Miracles don't always come in pretty boxes wrapped up with beautiful bows . . . sometimes they don't come at all. What deems one person worthy of a miracle and the other not? Was it the degree of naughty or nice? I don't know and I'm trying to figure it out . . . who holds that magic wand? As I weave my tapestry of contentment for this magical season, joy comes in the form of memories of Christmas past filled with love and laughter in my heart. I miss JR so much that I STILL scream into a pillow to let the sadness out. It does help . . . but the withdrawals for a person that you loved and lost can't be compared to anything else in life. Every year as the pumpkins are decorated and set out in the night with candlelight to illuminate the darkness, the dread creeps up on me . . . the witching hour has arrived and it is time to be reminded that I should be joyous and happy. But I'm not . . . my fairy tale ended. The one who holds the magic wand is nowhere to be found . . . the only pumpkins I see light the night . . . at least it is not total darkness. I'm blessed and grateful for contentment of survival during my life's transitions . . . I have everything I need, even if not what I want. What I want lives in my memories and this season reminds me of what I lost . . . yet in this magical time I know miracles happen at their appropriate time when least expected. My real life fairy tale began on a Christmas night long ago when I thought the one holding the magic wand had forgotten about me another year. I met JR on Christmas night in a club that played country music, where a pop music princess and a rock & roll music freak would normally never be found . . . but there we were, both in an unlikely place on an unlikely night . . . the miracle of destiny awaited us and lasted a lifetime. Yes, I still believe in miracles and never lose hope that I will find that joy and happiness again when destiny calls me again. While this is a sad time of year for me, I have my family and it is getting easier as the years go by. Although I struggle with it, I am fairly well adjusted and can handle it. However, there are people in this world who have no one . . . this is the time of year suicides are on the rise . . . the joyous season is also the lonely season to many who have experienced some type of loss or hardship in their life. Reach out to someone you know who is not as fortunate as yourself this time of year . . . it could make such a difference in their life . . . I hope rather than bringing you down, I made you think about how fragile life is and to be so grateful for and appreciate those you love. Love like there is no tomorrow . . . Happy holidays my friends . . . peace, love and happiness . . . Sentimental Lady | Bob Welch Lyrics You are here and warm But I could look away and you'd be gone Cause we live in a time When meaning falls in splinters from our lives And that's why I've travelled far Cause I come so together where you are And all of the things that I said that I wanted Come rushing by in my head when I'm with you 14 joys and a will to be merry And all of the things that we say are very Sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one Now you are here today But easily you might just go away Cause we live in a time When paintings have no color, words don't rhyme And that's why I've travelled far Cause I come so together where you are And all of the things that I said that I wanted Come rushing by in my head when I'm with you 14 joys and a will to be merry And all of the things that we say are very Sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one You are here and warm But I could look away and you'd be gone Cause we live in a time When meaning falls in splinters from our lives And that's why I've travelled far Cause I come so together where you are Yes and all of the things that I said that I wanted Come rushing by in my head when I'm with you 14 joys and a will to be merry And all of the things that we say are very Sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one Sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one Sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one Well sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one

read more

Finding Your Joy

Some wise words from Daily Om about happiness and joy . . .

Being happy doesn’t come naturally to everybody. It is your birthright to be happy, choose happiness everyday. Our lives are rich with potential sources of happiness, but sometimes we become victims of negative thinking because we believe that focusing on all that has gone wrong will provide us with the motivation we need to face the challenges of survival.

When we choose to focus on what makes us happy, however, a shift occurs in the fabric of our existence. Finding something to be happy about every single day can help this shift take place. The vantage points from which we view the world are brought into balance, and we can see that being alive truly is a gift to be savored. There is always something we can be happy about—it is simply up to us to identify it. On one day, we may find happiness in a momentous, life-changing event such as a marriage or the birth of a child. On another day, the happiness we experience may be a product of our appreciation of a particularly well-brewed cup of a tea or the way the sun shines on a leaf. If we discover that we literally cannot call to mind a single joyful element of existence, we should examine the cause of the blockage standing between us and experiencing happiness.

Keeping a happiness journal is a wonderful way to catalog the happiness unfolding all around us so that joy has myriad opportunities to manifest itself in our lives. Writing about the emotions we experience while contemplating joy may give us insight into the factors compelling us to resist it. Happiness may not always come easily into your life. You have likely been conditioned to believe that the proper response to unmet expectations is one of sadness, anger, guilt, or fear.

To make joy a fixture in your existence, you must first accept that it is within your power to choose happiness over unhappiness every single day. Then, each time you discover some new source of happiness, the notion that the world is a happy place will find its way more deeply into your heart. On this day, find one thing to be happy about and let it fill your heart.


Source: The Daily Om

read more

Peace and contentment . . . the basics

Do you sense the peace and contentment

that can come from an appreciation of one's

place in the cosmos?

How do we get there with the complexities

and pressures of our current lifestyles?

Perhaps it's a matter of becoming aware of what we truly have
as opposed to what our egos believe we need. If we look closely,
we may find that our ego "needs" are just desires.

When you find yourself longing for something, stop and ask . . .

What is missing from my life?

Is it a need?

What are the essential qualities of what I seek?

How can I experience that now?

Source

As I look back at my life, I always thought I knew what I wanted.

It wasn't until the death of my partner and re-evaluating my life over and over again, locking myself away from society and giving myself more than a couple of years to "find myself" that I truly know what I want and need, along with the essential qualities that always found me wondering what was missing in my life.

Finally . . . I'm there.

Allow my life lesson to show that achieving
peace and contentment are simple in nature
by asking yourself the right questions and
moving toward your goals at your own pace.

Be true to yourself!

read more

Life's Best Moments

You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going.  What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith, and hope.

Thomas Merton

The roller coaster ride of emotions can confuse and jumble up the mind to the degree that you could be having one of life's best moments and not even realize it.  

Is it possible that there are those who are so wrapped up in their unhappy emotional state that they are ok with it?  Perhaps it is what makes them feel "normal" . . . therefore, they don't want to be happy?

Personally, I don't think so.  As a person cursed with anxiety and restlessness, I can say that the anxiety-ridden times are like walking on hot coals with no shoes on.  It is not something I enjoy and frankly, in these times, I pray for a bit of contentment to assist me in breaking out of the "bad attitude."

It is so important to surround yourself with positive, happy people.  Those who have the gift of seeing the possibilities in challenges and face them head on, laughing all the way can help you see their perspective, making the light at the end of the tunnel appear within sight by their example.  The challenge becomes a game more than the goal of the desired outcome.

We all have down times, even those positive, happy people.  The trick is to figure out how to break out of the funky mood and see the joy of the present moment.  Study your happy friends . . . something is working for them!

Discover your life's best moments, even when life isn't perfect . . .

read more

Bottomless pit of wants and desires

If you look at what you have in life,
you'll always have more.
If you look at what you don't have in life,
you'll never have enough.

Oprah Winfrey

The lifestyle theory of Simple Abundance teaches being happy and grateful for the little things in life, no matter how much or how little we actually have. It is a balance of wants and needs . . . wanting what we need and being happy with those things.

Feeling absolute contentment is a beautiful and joyous way to live. Sometimes we are taken through one of life's rocky roads so we can finally be content with merely being able to survive and appreciating everything good that comes our way . . . as opposed to a bottomless pit of wants that will never fill limitless desires.

There have been times in the past couple of years when I'd turn my attention to those unfortunate people whose life situation and circumstances were far more severe than mine . . . in those times of being down, depressed and just wanting for my life to be over, I was brought back to reality when my thoughts turned to their strife.

No matter what your situation in life, someone else is having a life struggle far greater . . . misery doesn't really love company, it is just good to know that we are not alone in our life struggles . . . everyone has them. The key to a fulfilling and happy life is knowing how to handle those times and quickly get back on track.

Don't be a bottomless pit of wants that will never fill limitless desires.

read more

Readdressing an old struggle

Today The Captain and I attended a "Quit Smoking" workshop and I am officially a non-smoker again.  He is on Day #19 since he was ready to stop before I was.  We are on our way to one of my biggest dreams, to be a non-smoker again.

Last time I quit was for two years and I felt wonderful and so proud of myself for the major accomplishment and best thing I ever did for myself.  The following blog posts from back in the day shows the pride I felt. 

Sadly, my addiction to love was stronger . . . and I fell in love with The Captain, who was a smoker.  As things work out, nothing is ever perfect and I could not fight being around someone smoking and not enjoying a cigarette myself.  "Just one" turned into becoming a smoker again.  I found that awesome love I was searching for, but it came at a price.

It is something I haven't written about . . . feeling the failure of falling down and starting to smoke again after working so hard to quit.  Having to face my family, one person at a time, having to admit I had failed and was once again smoking broke my heart.  The looks of disappointment were difficult to deal with.

So much has changed since those days.  My personal life has totally changed, married The Captain and we are now retired (at least for now).  

What is ironic is while some things change so drastically, some things never change . . . dealing with some type of a struggle.  The old blog posts show that. I was struggling with the need for someone to love and knowing that he was out there.  I love going back to those old posts!

I really hate those struggles that must be readdressed, but this one is so very important and would make me so happy.  Once addicted to whatever the addiction is, we are always addicted and should never fool ourselves into thinking we are infallible.  We definitely are.

Since successfully going through the quit smoking thing, even though it was not forever, I feel as though it is not hopeless as I once thought.  I know cigarettes are not a thing that I can't give up.  And I know I will.  

But I will always be addicted.

Today I am patting myself on the back for Day #1 and the decision to just do it again.

Originally posted on April 3, 2008

The following entry represents a time in my life that makes me appreciate my present life circumstances so much. It was a time of disappointment and changes . . . a time of realization of the new world I had been thrown into when I became a widow.

The love and companionship of a husband, lover, soul mate and best friend that I cherished was gone and the realization that I may never feel those awesome feelings again with someone else. After all, how could I think that I would be so lucky to find it twice in my life when most people don't ever experience that kind of love in their life.

It was also a time of change and amazing strength going through the withdrawals of quitting smoking. There were times that I thought I was truly going crazy. Addictions do that to you and I was kicking the habit of two of them . . . cigarettes and love.

I've always been addicted to love and guess I always will be although I have finally accepted the fact that if God intends for me to have love in my life again it will happen whether I want it to or not. I don't worry about it anymore. In fact I'm quite content now that I've found an awesome job that I enjoy and constantly challenges me.

In times of change and difficulties, don't we all tend to be way too hard on ourselves? Seems like I have spent a lot of time beating myself up . . . I still do, but I've made tremendous progress although I expect way too much of myself, but I don't see that as a totally bad thing.

As for my smoking addiction, I still have not picked up a single cigarette since quitting and today is Day #505 since I kicked the habit. Major accomplishment for a three-pack a day smoker!

My primary New Year's Resolution for 2008 was to find peace, happiness and contentment with a positive attitude to keep the balance on bad days. For the most part, it is working for me. Sure, I have my bad days, but they are few and far between . . . I call that progress and I have so much to be grateful for, especially after reading my blog entries like the one that follows.

Some of my daydreams have already been fulfilled . . .



Originally posted on January 21, 2007

Still thinking about Prince Charming . . . can't get him off of my mind. I have mentioned that I don't see his face, but he is familiar and I do know what he looks like. I have a definite "type" . . . and I know exactly what I want. The good thing about that is you know it when you see it.

This is a crazy good kind of thing tonight, the glass is half full kind of thing . . . I am talking out loud, just rambling and much like daydreaming. I asked for peace prayers last night from my friends and tonight I am feeling so much more optimistic about my life in general.

I've tried to get some work done, but I can't. My bills are covered, so why don't I just give myself a break from something and lighten up the load a bit . . . stop overloading the brain. Without a doubt, I know that I think too much. Sometimes it is good to be irresponsible.

God knows who my Prince Charming is, he made him for me and me for him, and at some point in our lives, we will appear to each other at the appropriate time and know for ourselves. He is the person in the song lyrics that follow in the song "Hear Me" by Kelly Clarkson.

There is something I was thinking about tonight . . . I went through this craving for true love before I met my husband when I was constantly disappointed for one reason or another . . . and it happened exactly as it was written . . . "good things come to those who wait . . ." It really is a craving, one that does not ever go away, yet sometimes they are stronger than others. This one feels different, almost like it has been taken out of my control. He is near . . . I feel him . . . I see him . . . he is familiar.

Then again, I could be getting these cravings because I want a cigarette so bad . . . just kidding, I know the difference, but both are difficult to struggle through in their own ways. By the way, you are considered a non-smoker after six months, so I am 1/3 of the way there. WOW I feel awesome about that . . .

Thank you to all my friends who prayed for me last night. You helped me through a bad moment in time and I so appreciate all of you. I'm here for you too! Have an awesome Sunday!

"Hear Me" recorded by Kelly Clarkson

Hear me
Hear me

You gotta be out there
You gotta be somewhere
Wherever you are
I'm waiting
'Cause there are these nights when
I sing myself to sleep
And I'm hopin' my dreams
Bring you close to me
Are you listening?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me
Hear me

Hear me
Can you hear me?
Hear me

I used to be scared of
Letting someone in
But it gets so lonely
Being on my own
No one to talk to
And no one to hold me
I'm not always strong
Oh, I need you here
Are you listening?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me

I'm restless and wild
I fall, but I try
I need someone to understand
Can you hear me?
I'm lost in my thoughts
And baby I've fought
For all that I've got
Can you hear me?

Hear me
I'm cryin' out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Can you hear me?
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me
Can you hear me?
Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Hear me
Hear me
Hear me

read more

Anxiety and life phases

~ I'm Fine | Heart ~


It has occurred to me today that life is just a cycle of phases, some good, some bad, all contributing to the person we are today.  Of course each time we tend to feel as though we are losing it, like in my featured song by Heart.

Since we are entering Week #4 of no running water, I needed to read old posts and remind myself of where I have been and the anxiety associated with it. I always tell myself "this too shall pass" . . . and it does!

Anxiety comes in different phases, usually dependent on what the current life circumstances are.

I have selected two phases of my life to write about.

The first post found me entering an exciting new chapter in my life after successfully completing training for the job I knew was made for me.  I remember being so happy, although the disappointment of the job as it really was and the attitude of "corporate America" toward its employees ultimately took me through another time of anxiety and the feeling of failure.

The positive aspects of this experience was the feeling of accomplishment for finally getting out of the house, going after that job I wanted so badly and successfully completing some emotionally draining training.  Even though the job didn't work out, no one would have ever suspected I had previously been so apprehensive about leaving my comfort zone and shutting myself out of society for so many years.

Today I am so very grateful that I don't have to face "corporate America" again . . . I can say with certainty that those days are over. 

Notice a theme here?

The last post found me at a time of high anxiety as I had quit smoking and thought I had a grip on it . . . at the same time I decided I no longer needed my anxiety medication and was weaning myself off.  Big mistake!  The attempt of quitting smoking is a high anxiety endeavor anyway . . . not a time to get off of anxiety medication.  My doctor was very angry with me and convinced me to start taking them again.

The lesson I learned is taking medication for a legitimate problem is nothing to be ashamed of.  The shame is to not do anything about a problem that exists.

Many of us are afflicted with high anxiety for whatever reason.  Don't be afraid of medication . . . it is necessary when problems arise so you can deal with them with a clear head and attitude.  Mine has never gone away, I can just deal with it more effectively now.  Life challenges happen and you must be prepared for them.


This post was originally published on March 8, 2008

A new chapter in my life has begun. A time that I thought would never come, although I just took one day at a time and tried to deal with each one as best as I could. Every time I take out my certification for successfully completing training for a job that I set in my mind over two years ago, I am so grateful for the strength that God gave me to make it through those bad times and gave me enough faith in myself to go for it and make it through the training that I almost walked out of several times.

Positive attitude and faith in ourselves and our creator goes a long way and through times we think we can't get through. We can go through life in a bad mood and an awful attitude, resulting in a miserable existence. I've been through all the phases.

It was especially rough when I made the decision that I needed to quit smoking if I was going to join the real world and get a real job since the realization hit me that selling "whatever" on eBay was no longer going to provide the comfortable life that I had grown accustomed to. In retrospect I think it was divine intervention to finally get me out of my house. God works in mysterious ways to teach us lessons and make us stronger.

As I get ready for the new chapter of my life with a new career and the contentment, peace of mind and security I was searching for, I started my one day off with my first cup of coffee reading some of my old posts so I can truly savor this moment and appreciate the emotions of accomplishment.

The following post was written as I was well into my endeavor of quitting smoking . . . the "no smoking weight gain" was starting to creep up on me . . . it was just a bad time that gives me so much appreciation for the changes I have made in my life.

There was always hope for me even though I didn't always think so . . . there is also hope for anyone going through a bad time, no matter what the circumstance . . . with faith and a positive attitude.

This post was originally published on December 11, 2006

Not asking for much . . . not even happiness at the moment since that seems like an impossible dream, just CONTENTMENT and peace of mind would be great.

The past couple of days have been awful . . . I am convinced it is withdrawals from quitting smoking and/or getting off my medication. Feelings of restlessness and anxiety have consumed me and just about everything is making me irritable. The cravings to smoke a cigarette are virtually gone, although they do hit me when I least expect it, but pass quickly.

I had done some research on withdrawal from my medication and the good news is that my withdrawal symptoms are not as bad as I expected them to be based on my research. I always took way less than prescribed because I hate being dependent on anything and was so scared of becoming addicted to them. Today I am thankful that my withdrawal symptoms are not as bad as they could be even though I am ready to climb the walls from this anxiety.

My state of anxiety is all about my life's general frustrations and irritations.

I'm still dealing with no hot water and having to boil water for everything. The repair people will finally be here tomorrow and hopefully it will be fixed.

The one thing that is really irritating me is the weight that I have gained as a result of not smoking anymore. I am not doing anything different, although I am hungry all the time. The weight gain came fast and has really made me sad since I have worked so hard to take it off. Now I have to work doubly hard to get that under control. I just spent 1/2 hour on the exercise bike to get rid of anxiety and hopefully keep the weight gain from continuing. 

This is the story of my life . . . something positive always brings the negative to bring me down. I can't win!

I'm off to experience the one thing that always makes me happy and content . . . my first cup of coffee for the day. I'll also have to check out my music collection and find some happy music. Those two things will instantly put me in a better state of mind.

This is going to be an awesome week in spite of all of this . . . I'm determined!

read more