Love With No Place To Go

All that talk about positivity has gone out the window.  I find myself overthinking everything.  My happy, carefree attitude of taking one moment at a time has disappeared.  It is what grief is all about.  One must be ready for it to get through it quickly.  I'm trying!

The trick is to figure out how to pull yourself back to a comfortable place that is sometimes so difficult to find.  

Love with no place to go is rough and heartbreaking.

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Riding the Roller Coaster

 

I've been accepting the negative emotions today, facing them head on.  I'm not trying to ignore the bad feelings, I acknowledge them and ask myself why.  My responses go on a list so I can deal with them later.

It has been one of the best two weeks since The Captain went into the hospital last year.  What a good feeling it has been to experience  "normal" at times.  Very positive progress.  I'm also enjoying social media again.  Facebook has become my happy place.

The intense feelings of grief started creeping up on me this morning and little by little has taken over tonight.  An important trigger day is coming up tomorrow and another at the end of the month . . . both of my husbands were born in March.  So that means another night of no sleep associated with trigger times.

It is a roller coaster that doesn't want to stop, but I am looking for the off button and I hope to find it very soon.

One thing I do every day is count my blessings and thank God.  I'm grateful since my life is pretty good except for the grief roller coaster.  Blessings are what I focus on and I feel so lucky.  Maybe if I keep focusing on positivity, it won't be another night or a month of no sleep.

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Where magic lives

Wishes are shining deep down inside of you. 

Cause that, my friends, is where the magic lives. 

Jiminy Cricket

It is that "anything is possible" mentality.

It is positive thinking.

It is having the determination to do whatever is

necessary to make your dreams come true.

After going through a long stretch of extreme grief, feeling somewhat hopeless for the phase I was going through and all consuming unhappiness, I've emerged to a new phase.

The new phase has a strong positive attitude that has me knowing that I can actually be "normal" if I do whatever it takes to get there.  What will it take?  I have no idea what it all entails, but I am ready to go there.

The thoughts are actually feeling normal.  OMG, can it be?  

The whole thing has taken me to a song I have loved all my life.  The theme from Cinderella, a childhood favorite movie . . . a dream is a wish your heart makes.  And we all know that Cinderella went from being a slave to her stepmother to becoming a princess, earning the respect of her hateful family and the love of her Prince Charming.

The lyrics to the song are beautiful . . .

   A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes

Composed by Mack David, Al Hoffman and Jerry Livingston 
for the Walt Disney film Cinderella 

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you will lose your heartache
Whatever you wish for you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're feeling small
Alone in the night you whisper
Thinking no one can hear you at all
You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you
Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come true

A dream is a wish your heart makes
A dream is a wish your heart makes

You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you
Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come true

No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true

  

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Don't Give Up

 

Today has been one of the worse days in a while for many reasons that I don't need to get into for the purpose of this post.

I was blessed with a healthy dose of self-confidence and one thing I know for sure, I am a strong person and I know I'm going to get through this.  My motto . . . this too shall pass.

Glad to be alive?  Not necessarily.  My future is up in the air, I've retired, don't have a definitive purpose and I feel somewhat lost.  I often ask myself  . . . what am I living for?   But I know I am still healing from The Captain's death and my purpose will be revealed at the right time.  

Thank God I'm not lonely, enjoy being alone and don't have aspirations of finding love again (or do I?) . . . I really don't want to deal with disappointment any more than I have to, but I will never say never from this moment on.  The main moving on is improving my life and being happy with my choices.

The good news is my depression is under control and I know I am on the correct path for me.

As a Christian, I have always prayed for God's will.  When I found this graphic on Facebook, I saw it as an answer to recent prayers and part of the answer is to not give up.  

I won't . . . and I am taking one day at a time.

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Make Change and Disappointment Work For You

Change is always happening, so make sure it works for you.

Disappointment is no welcome change.  It is defined as sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hope or expectations.  

Life changes can't be avoided and they do not always bring joy.  However, see it as an opportunity for growth.  Don't resist the unfortunate circumstance, learn from it and move on.  

Dwelling on the disappointment won't make it go away, it just prolongs the healing from the hurt it caused.  Never forget that how we respond is totally under our control.

I recently wrote another post on change and how we should celebrate it, good or bad.  Be flexible, practice gratitude and unpleasant changes will not interfere with good mental health.

I'm still experiencing grief and have long acknowledged that it will have lasting implications in my life.  Changes in my life circumstances will also change those lasting implications positively if I let them and that is what I choose to do.

Learn from your life changes and disappointment!

Disappointments can be a positive thing.

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Celebrating with gratitude

 

Make a habit out of celebrating the small moments in healing, gratitude, and growth.

Alex Elle

Anytime a change occurs, even if it is a painful change that hurts, the change should be celebrated as growth with much gratitude.  Emotions heal and ultimately, the change was for the best.

Unwelcome painful change happens for a good reason and we should celebrate it as a powerful growth incident.

Not everything our heart desires is the thing that is meant to be and may be quite the opposite.  As a blessing/curse situation.

As a Christian, I believe everything happens for a reason.  Even the bad situation happens to teach us a lesson or make a point we have needed to pay attention to.  

Either way, celebrate and thank God, because it is all good.

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Trouble creates a capacity to handle it…meet it as a friend, for you’ll see a lot of it and had better be on speaking terms with it.

OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES

Trouble is no friend of mine!  That gator has been the closest to a friend that I've seen.  He's hungry and snapping at me constantly.  There are no speaking terms between us . . . he doesn't listen when I tell him to just go away.

The quote implies that the more trouble you encounter, you become somewhat immune to it, like a normal occurrence.

The more trouble, the more you can put up with it?

Noooooooooooooooo!  Trouble will never be my friend.  At this moment in time, my tolerance level is saturated and can't take any more trouble and/or bad news.

Today I'm thinking positive.  The last bit of work needed to pass the home inspection for insurance is being dealt with today.  The first guy who came out was outrageously expensive and a total scam artist.  But I'm still being positive that one of the three plumbers left to give us a quote is honest.  We don't mind paying a reasonable price for a job that needs to be done.

So, with that thought in mind, I am headed for the outdoors to unwind and enjoy nature.  Nature is my friend!

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Keep your goals on track

"You can keep your goals on track by concentrating on the facts of the here and now rather than your reactions to the past or your anxieties regarding the future. By focusing on what you need to do in the present to attain your goals, you can avoid being distracted by the unknown." 

Source:  The Daily Om

The quote is an excerpt of my horoscope for today and it can't be closer to the truth.   Self-defeating behavior distracts from focusing positively on plans for goals and ambitions.   

While it sounds like an excuse, behaviors that have become routine are subconscious and automatic . . . at least that is how I see it.

Change the behavior to remain aware, focused and positive.

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