Little steps

Those who would climb to a lofty height

 must go by steps, not leaps.

St. Gregory the Great

from a letter to Augustine of Canterbury




Baby steps is what is needed when a change in life circumstances reverts back to what is considered "normal" . . . normal being the perception of what it should be by the person making the changes.

The date of the following post was in October of 2007 and I still don't consider my life as "normal" even though I have moved on and have remarried.  Having said that, many of my goals have been met and I have moved closer to what I have considered normal even though I'm not there yet.

It has taken little changes . . . I call them incremental changes.  Changes so small that you barely feel them happening.  Sometimes that is all we can handle.  As stated in the quote, change cannot happen with leaps.  Leaps lead to overwhelm, feeling like a failure and giving up.

As I look back to the time the post was written, so many changes have taken place, however, the changes were so little at a time that it almost seems impossible that so much progress has been made on my journey to a "normal" life.  

I did try doing the leaps, but they led to me falling down and failing, making the progress move a step backward.

To recap some changes . . . I'm no longer agoraphobic (not able to leave the house),  I'M NOT A HERMIT ANYMORE!, I can drive again, I entered the workplace, I trusted another person to love again . . . enough to marry him.  I can be in a vehicle again as a passenger and not have panic attacks as I did in the beginning, although I still have a problem with it (and still working on it).

This post originally published on 10-5-07

It is turning out to be one of those days that aren't quite so positive.  Memories of when my life was happy and I had someone to share happy times with are haunting me. Now I'm alone in miserable times. Sometimes I wonder why bad things happen to good people. I'm fighting a pity party this morning and I can't go there, so I thought I would write about how I'm feeling.

What is bothering me can't be fixed over night . . . I want what I had before. I miss my husband, I want my life as it was before he died. Why did he have to die? Having to deal with this was the last thing on my list of worries, which is always a very long list since I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and worry about everything.

It isn't the loneliness since I keep myself busy. It is being alone . . . this is the first time in my life that I am alone and I hate it with a passion. Sometimes like this morning, it just gets to me. My mom is on her way over and we are gonna go shopping to keep my mind occupied. It helps momentarily.

I'm not always positive about life, sometimes life just sucks, but I try to deal with it optimistically.

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The Dreaded Holidays

Can you relate to Grumpy Cat when it comes to the holidays?

I've been enjoying the Christmas movie marathon on the Hallmark Channel that started last week.  Major progress for me and the holidays in general.  My holiday Grumpy Cat days are over . . . thank God!

Since JR died, even though I have moved on with my life and remarried, I still don't have the festive urge to put up a Christmas tree.  The Captain and I have gone through the boxes of stuff so he could experience my past Christmas memories through the massive amount of ornaments that would fill the Christmas trees . . . that is all I have been able to handle.

Those times reminiscing and sharing memories with The Captain are very special for me.  In past years, we have celebrated the holidays . . . watched the holiday specials and movies . . . gone to dinners and parties, but the most special are the times we make our favorite holiday meals and share memories.  However, no evidence seen in the home decor that the holidays have arrived.

I've noticed a popular theme in Christmas movies is the dread of the holidays for those who have experienced some type of loss in their lives that can make the holidays unbearable.  I tend to really like those movies since they don't make me feel like such a freak of nature.  Most of the stories have happy endings and as a viewer, I can quickly experience how they progress through their healing to being "normal" again.

At least I can now watch those Christmas movies without cringing at the approaching holidays . . . I'm slowly getting back to enjoying the holidays and the festivities associated with them.  Will I ever consider myself "normal" again as far as the holidays are concerned?  Honestly . . . I don't know!

It is no reflection on how I feel about The Captain.  In fact, his past holiday seasons were none too festive either and I really believe he has no festive attachment to them as well.  At least he doesn't make me feel like a freak!  One day, I'm sure we will develop our own holiday traditions when the time is right, but for now we have a good time when we join in the holiday festivities with friends and family.

When I think back on holidays past shortly after JR died, this is definite progress!  I really wanted the holidays to go away and absolutely hated joining in family holiday festivities.  Not because I don't love my family . . . I just didn't want to feel like a freak in the midst of normalcy.

Don't feel like a freak if you don't enjoy or even dread the holidays . . . not everyone enjoys them for "whatever" reason . . . especially for those who are still healing from the open wounds of "whatever."

Everything happens in its own time!

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Thinking outside of the box

Thinking outside the box has become somewhat of a cliché, hasn’t it? I’ve heard it used often and have wondered where the term originated from and what the true meaning is. 

For as long as I remember, it has been a saying that I am rather fond of since I perceive myself as a creative thinker and can definitely relate to the saying. 

What does it mean?

It isn’t known who was actually the first person to use the term, but after some research, I’ve found an early example of the phrase:  Aviation Week & Space Technology, July 1975: "We must step back and see if the solutions to our problems lie outside the box."

According to Wikipedia, “The term is thought to derive from management consultants in the 1970's and 1980's challenging their clients to solve the "nine dots" puzzle, whose solution requires some lateral thinking.”

No wonder I think and analyze everything to death the way I do . . . I worked for a business management professor who was also a management consultant for over 20 years . . . and raised by a family who asked the question “what if” about everything.

It occurs to me that “the box” signifies traditional ways of thinking. However, like the term “normal” . . . who is the judge of what the definition is or how either is measured?

What is “outside of the box” for me, may be “normal” for another person . . . or the other way around. It all has to do with the perception of what conceptual constraints of creative thinking are . . . thinking “inside the box” and accepting the status quo.

To me, thinking outside the box is all about creative thinking and pondering a situation in a different way, like through a different set of eyes.  Since knowing The Captain, I realize he has influenced and is changing the way I think . . . the difference being positive vs. negative thinking whether it is creative thinking or not.  The major change being perception.

Seems to me that the way we think is a learned thing whether it is inside or outside of the box, which is why there are different perspectives for different people. Throwing emotions into the situation can make it a complicated mess!

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Spirits having flown

Faster than lightning is this heart of mine.

In the face of time I carry on.

I'd like to take you where my rainbow ends.

Lyrics from the song

Spirits Having Flown

by the Bee Gees

It doesn't seem possible that so much time has passed.  Tomorrow marks the 10th anniversary of JR's death.  Ten years ago today, the nightmare began.  The sound of sirens, the house filled with EMS guys, the emergency room.  My sweet angel laying helplessly in the ER bed, all kinds of stuff hooked up to him. 

I was scared . . . petrified . . . my everything was breathing his last breaths and I had no idea what was about to hit me.  All seemed normal that night when he wanted to watch Monday Night Football.  

Normal?  Ten years later, I still don't feel back to "normal" . . .

He and I shared the perfect friendship, 
which is so important in a marriage.

I miss him even though I have moved on with The Captain.

How can you forget such a sweet spirit?  I never will.

His sweet spirit is still with me, 
which I'll take where my rainbow ends.

Rest in peace my sweet angel.

Spirits Having Flown | The Bee Gees

Lyrics

I never fell in love so easily.

Where the four winds blow I carry on.

I'd like to take you where my spirit flies:

Through the empty skies. We go alone,

Never before having flown.

Faster than lightning is this heart of mine.

In the face of time I carry on.

I'd like to take you where my rainbow ends.

Be my lover friend. We go alone,

Never before having flown.

[Chorus]

I am your hurricane, your fire in the sun.

How long must I live in the air?

You are my paradise, my angel on the run.

How long must I wait?

It's the dawn of the feeling that starts

From the moment you're there.

[Bridge]

You'll never know what you have done for me.

You've broken all those rules I live upon.

And I'd like to take you to my Shangri-La,

Neither here nor far away from home,

Never before having flown.

[Chorus]

I am your hurricane, your fire in the sun.

How long must I live in the air?

You are my paradise, my angel on the run.

How long must I wait?

It's the dawn of the feeling that starts

From the moment you're there.

I'd like to take you where my spirit flies,

Through the empty skies we go alone,

Never before having flown.

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Peace, Love and Happiness

Three simple words that have so much meaning.

Those words take me back to flower child days that weave through the tapestry of my life through good and bad times. Together they sum up my philosophy of life having nothing to do with politics which lead me from one day to the next with optimism and faith that is much like wearing rose colored glasses . . . the romance of life.

My blog is an exploration of those three words with their differing meanings and finding that place in life that is filled with peace, love and happiness all at one time.

A new adventure began for me as a beautiful life abruptly ended. One of life’s ironies is that most people don’t appreciate or even know what they have until it is gone. Another irony of life is knowing that everything happens for a reason and part of the adventure is finding the good in bad times.

I’m a widow on my journey back to a “normal” life. It is difficult to actually define “normal” except to say that it is the beautiful emotion that comes from the harmony of peace, love and happiness.

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