Faith, Love and Time

 

The Memorial Day weekend was bittersweet and difficult.

Military holidays were so special for The Captain, they were a part of who he was.  I had never experienced a person who was so patriotic and so proud of his military service.  I often thought that when he retired from the military, a part of him died.  It is who he was, but no longer had an active part in it.  It is a sad fact of retirement, you kind of lose your identity.

Although I dislike war movies, I almost wanted the bombardment of his holiday ritual, marathon war movies.  They meant he was alive and well and still with me.  

It was one of those times that I just needed to be alone and cry my eyes out.  Somehow it makes me feel better and allows me to be strong.  That doesn't make sense, but grief does not make sense.  Just when I think I can handle life again, it hits me like a ton of bricks.

Looking back at the memories that flooded me over the weekend, although I hate what grief does to me, it means that I loved deeply.  And for that I will always be grateful.  

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Looking back

 

Caught in my fears

Blinking back the tears

I can't say you hurt me

When you never let me near

Lyrics from

Long Long Time

by Linda Ronstadt

Today has been a day of looking back at memories from different times of my life and all the love and close relationships I have experienced.  Some good, some bad . . . just like everyone else.

The most frustrating were the ones I didn't understand, but allowed myself to love anyway and sometimes got hurt.  Some people never let you in, no matter how close you think you are.  Still, I have no regrets.  

Those lyrics are somewhat contradictory, yet they ring true. 

I no longer have fears of close relationships because I am done with them.  My experiences with trust issues have crammed my lifetime.  I want the rest of my life to be content with what I have and the awesome memories that occupy my mind.

As times goes on, it seems to me that people in general have turned so cold, heartless, lacking compassion . . . I include myself in that statement.  I'd rather spend the time I have left alone with God to keep me company.  

Life wasn't always that way and it makes me sad.  I only see glimpses of the world I once knew.

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Love Stays

 

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Don't give up now

 

But really, do I have a choice?

I guess it was his birthday, a trigger day that started me on the roller coaster again.  Just when I was starting to feel better.

I'm so tired of feeling better only to slip back into this funky phase of grief.  The good thing is I have writing about it to help me get through the awful moments.

If it seems like I am ready to give up going on with my life and having a normal life again, the answer is hell no, I will never give up.  I got through losing JR and I will get through losing The Captain.  He taught me that life does go on . . . he made it possible for me to do so.  It isn't easy, but life isn't easy.

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Love With No Place To Go

All that talk about positivity has gone out the window.  I find myself overthinking everything.  My happy, carefree attitude of taking one moment at a time has disappeared.  It is what grief is all about.  One must be ready for it to get through it quickly.  I'm trying!

The trick is to figure out how to pull yourself back to a comfortable place that is sometimes so difficult to find.  

Love with no place to go is rough and heartbreaking.

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Back Some Day

 

The Captain used to send me this song in his emails to me when we were in the long distance phase of our relationship. He would travel from North Carolina to Florida so we could spend time with each other to see for sure if what we had developed online worked in real life.

Every time he visited, the hardest thing was to say goodbye and not know when he would be visiting again. That is how it was between the visits and the returns home until he moved in with me forever. The words to this song bring back all the feelings. I could play this song over and over again, enjoy the wonderful memories and hate the tears because he is gone.

Long distance relationships do work and more importantly, internet relationships can move on to forever if you have the patience for it. It is an awesome way to get to know each other.

Single and feel a spark for someone online? Opportunity is knocking (read that post) and you need to listen. It may be something that can develop into something more.

Back Some Day|Blue lyrics

If you're alone

I want you to know

I'll be back some day

If you're alone

I want you to know

I'll be back some day

It's time for me to have to go away for so long to make our own paradise

But dreams don't come easy you've gotta believe me, you know this deep inside

But it's not long now till I'm on my way

I keep wishing tomorrow was yesterday

You're my everything that won't disappear

Girl you've got nothing to fear

If you're alone, I want you to know

I'll be back someday, don't you ever let go

Baby, hold tight through the cold lonely night

Just wait for me till I get home

When you're on your own, I want you to know

I'll be there for you, I could never let go

I realize that you want me to stay, but hold on

I'll be back someday (be back someday, someday)

When I return, I wanna see this beautiful baby who's still loving me

With tears in her eyes but a smile on her face impatiently we'll embrace

But it's not long now, till' I'm on my way

I keep praying tomorrow was yesterday

You're my everything that won't disappear

Girl you've got nothing to fear

If you're alone, I want you to know

I'll be back someday, don't you ever let go

Baby, hold tight through the cold lonely night

Just wait for me till I get home

When you're on your own, I want you to know

I'll be there for you, I could never let go

I realize that you want me to stay but hold on

I'll be back someday

And when I go

I'll be loving you still

Baby you will never know

Just how lonely I'll feel

You know I really gotta go

But I wish I could stay

Hold on (just hold on)

I'll be back, I'll be back...

If you're alone, I want you to know

I'll be back someday, don't you ever let go

Baby, hold tight through the cold lonely night, just wait for me till I get home

When you're on your own, I want you to know

I'll be there for you, I could never let go

I realize that you want me to stay but hold on

I'll be back someday

If you're alone, I want you to know

I'll be back someday, don't you ever let go

Baby, hold tight through the cold lonely night

Just wait for me till I get home

Songwriters: Timothy Daniel Woodcock, Mike Terry. For non-commercial use only.

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Passionate and Intense Love

 

Have you ever felt an intense and passionate love for someone that seemed to be a gift from God?

There is nothing like it in the whole world.  Although it feels like a gift, the object of your desire may have no idea how you feel because it is nothing that someone can intentionally give you.  It is what it is and purely natural.  And the person feeling the "love" can't make themselves feel it . . . it just is.  

It may not be love at all, but this feeling for another person is more like magic.  This magic can actually make your heart skip a beat, feel like you are floating in the clouds and you truly believe you are in love.  You could possibly be falling in love and perhaps "the falling" is actually more magical than being in love itself.

All these thoughts came rushing to me as I thought of the first days of meeting The Captain online.  I was so taken by him with his charismatic and charming personality that I did not want to see a photo of him.  We spoke on the phone and his voice was music to my ears.  I felt so strange to feel so strongly about someone I had never seen or touched.  But my senses felt his magic.  

I prayed that this was not an ugly man that had captured my heart so intensely since my heart had previously been taken only by men I was strongly attracted to physically.  Shallow and too picky, I know.  But I was being taught a different way of falling in love and it was blind faith.

It was one of the best times of my life.

When you meet someone online, you really have no idea who they are or what they really look like.  If they have a photo, it could possibly not be the person you are interacting with, but someone else the person wants you to think they are.  

Unfortunately that deception happens often online.  The person resides in your computer or phone, an image in your mind that your heart interprets what it wants, but really is not real until you are eye to eye with the person.

In my case with The Captain, he made my heart skip a beat with his charming personality, but when I finally saw a photo of him and ultimately met him in person, my prayers had been answered and I had been falling in love with a man whose appearance I was strongly attracted to . . . to the point that I didn't know if I was coming or going.  What a feeling!

He gave me a gift I will never forget and he lives in my heart forever.  RIP captblackeagle, I will love you forever.  Miss you so much, my heart is still broken and always will be.

Love your loved ones like there is no tomorrow . . . there may not be.

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Listen to your heart

"When you have compassion and surrender to your own heart, you are surrendering to the hidden power in your heart, God. You are surrendering to love, because God is Love, the cohesive force of the universe that connects us all. Surrender is not just a religious concept; it's a power tool for listening to the voice of your spirit and following its directions. When you surrender your head to your heart, you allow your heart to give you a wider, higher intelligence perspective. Remember the phrase, ‘The real teacher is within you.’ Very simply, that teacher is to be found in the common sense of your own heart."

Sara Paddison

Listen to Your Heart | Roxette
Lyrics

I know there's something in the width of your smile
I get a notion from the look in your eyes yeah
You've built a love but that love falls apart
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark
Listen to your heart when he's calling for you
Listen to your heart there's nothing else you can do
I don't know where you're going and I don't know why
But listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye
Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile
The precious moments are all lost in the tide yeah
They're swept away and nothing is what is seems
the feeling of belonging to your dreams
Listen to your heart...
And there are voices that want to be heard.
So much to mention but you can't find the words.
The scent of magic, the beauty that's been
When love was wilder than the wind.
Listen to your heart when he's calling for you
Listen to your heart, there's nothing else you can do
I don't know where you're going and I don't know why,
But listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye.

Isn't that all that needs to be said?
When it comes to love, intuition is key
Listen to your heart!
I believe it is the voice of God

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Pets . . . the story of Buster

One of the joys in life . . . our pets

This is an old Yahoo 360 post that was an entry in "Picture Perfect" . . . comments follow the post 

Today I was thinking about how much I miss having a pet after having so many in my life that have run away or passed away.

This week's Picture Perfect theme is

"ANTICIPATION"

My pets are like my kids and once again, one of my babies is the subject of my Picture Perfect entry.

This is Buster, he was a terrier mutt that my dad found and brought home for me since at the time, I didn't have a pet and he thought I needed one. His nickname was Red . . . he had reddish-brown hair and had lips like a human . . . for real . . . he even knew how to use those lips correctly to pout. This dog was too funny!!

Buster was the most piggish dog I have ever owned.

When given the chance, he would skillfully

steal food in a heartbeat.

The photo is Christmas morning opening presents . . . Buster is anticipating a treat from his Christmas present of a box of doggie treats. The photo is a little blurry because he was moving and I was trying to keep him under control so we could get a decent photo of him with his Christmas present. lol Do you see him licking his lips? He always did that around food . . . and act like a crazy dog until he got his little morsel of happiness. I never saw a dog enjoy food with so much gusto.

The next photo is much clearer of him licking his lips in anticipation of stealing food this time. There was food on the coffee table and he wanted at it really bad. Check out the look in his eyes . . . what a character he was!! Food drove him nuts!! It was difficult to have a party with him around . . . we had to be very careful where the food was placed or put him outside.

He was also very funny when I was cooking . . . I didn't have to worry about dropping anything on the floor and having to clean up . . . he was my live vacuum cleaner. The only thing he would not eat was garlic. You know that if you feed dogs raw garlic they won't get fleas . . . well, he would not eat it unless I disguised it wrapped up in ham and cheese or something similar.

Buster is another one of my babies who has passed and now resides at Rainbow Bridge . . . I miss his silly little personality, gluttonous and very sweet ways. He was a charmer . . . we could take him anywhere, he was the perfect little well behaved gentleman unless food was involved.

Comments (48 total)


Gagan…
FTC, me Ginaaaaaaaaaaaa ... wow you look soooo beautiful ... nice take on theme. Nice day there and nite. Mine is not yet prepared. I am sorting my folders for that. Let's see on Friday then.

Wednesday October 3, 2007 - 10:36pm (CEST)


Natur…
So funny! He probably never got over having to be hungry when he was on the streets as a stray. I had a dog once that stole food. He was huge and could eat food right off the dinner table. I remember once he ate a whole lunch meat tray off the table at Christmas while I was not paying attention. (except for the swiss cheese, hehe). Great photo for the ANTICIPATION theme.

Wednesday October 3, 2007 - 04:42pm (EDT)


Reymu…
What cute pictures. You look so happy with your baby.

Wednesday October 3, 2007 - 03:50pm (CDT)


Le-La
Hi Gina, my Mum has had dogs, cats, birds since I can remember and they all had their own little quirky characteristics.
We would name them accordingly and it would be bizzare how well their names suited them. Some were mischievious, some sly and yes some gluttinous. I so understand when you related the food put somewhere high or they were outside. We had some great laughs with our pets and they still bring Mum such joy.
Love your post.

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 08:10am (EST)


Mare
Hi Gina!!! I love the pictures of the poochies they are sooo cute oh yeah and you are beautiful too !!!! hehehe love ya Gina

Wednesday October 3, 2007 - 07:06pm (EDT)



xxxxx…
OMG, he's sooo cute.. I bet he loved Christmas time. lol

Wednesday October 3, 2007 - 05:14pm (PDT)


Cathe…
Hi Gina, Buster sounds like a real sweetie. I didn't know if you gave dogs garlic, they wouldn't get fleas. You're so pretty-look at that hair! Thanks for sharing this.:)

Wednesday October 3, 2007 - 06:36pm (PDT)


Scalo…
You look great together both appear to be very happy I guess you do love your baby and your buster baby loves you too it seems. Have a great weekend.

Wednesday October 3, 2007 - 10:12pm (EDT)


Take …
That is too cute..Yes he is excited and the look of anticipation is priceless. :)

Wednesday October 3, 2007 - 10:17pm (EDT)



…
This is cute. It reminded of my son's dog, Boomer. He used to sit under the table when we ate, just waiting for someone to drop something. We couldn't leave anything edible within his reach.

Wednesday October 3, 2007 - 07:45pm (PDT)




great job.......I think that i might post mine tomorrow....oh the anticipation!!!!

Wednesday October 3, 2007 - 07:49pm (PDT)


shirley
Nice job! he is sooo adorable.I can see his anticipation

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 01:02pm (SGT)


elly s
sooooo sweet
you both look so happy n love each other...
I have cat as a pet

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 01:07pm (SGT)


Emmm
Those eyes are just burning holes in whatever he had his sights set on. I had a dog like that - dedicated to the pursuit of the smallest morsel. Your story has brought back some fond memories. Thank you for sharing this.
Mines up too.

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 01:09am (EDT)


devil…
Your little guy is too adorable. I love such adorable dogs and isnt it wild how we get so attached to our pets. They really are something special. A great job on these weeks theme.

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 01:22am (EDT)


Cherie
Yes I can see in Buster's eye the look of anticipation and michief no wonder he stole your heart.

Wednesday October 3, 2007 - 11:00pm (PDT)


Natty
Thank you for sharing, he's cute! Anticipation all around. :) Mine will be up tomorrow.

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 11:28am (CEST)



::Rii::
Hei Gina

Heheh!! Lol
He sure is anticipating all right.
Good take.
HUGZ from Rii xx

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 01:09pm (CEST)


Luxy
Another happy baby! Feed him geez!!! lol

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 07:27am (EDT)




Man's best friend also womens i reckon they give out so much love and affection. I miss a dog in our house for cleaning up the mess our kids drop on the carpet oh well..... at least the vaccuum works lol. Nice photo of you both!, enjoy the weekend.

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 06:12am (PDT)


Harma…
Doggies!

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 11:39pm (JST)


ஐ♥ღDe…
OMG....too cute....dogs are soooo much fun....what a cutie he was and it sounds like his personality was awesome!

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 10:56am (EDT)


*MaRi…
So sweet!!! :D

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 05:44pm (CEST)


ღ♥Lis…
Aww, great pic, I bet you do miss him!

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 12:22pm (EDT)


Suzy Q
That is so cute! We know who is spoiled now~ great pic thanks for sharing

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 11:30am (PDT)


Umman C

Good memories keep us happy. You two look very nice. Have a good day.
Thursday October 4, 2007 - 02:20pm (CDT) Remove Comment



John O
LOL A whole new perspective on the phrase "Chow Hound"

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 09:02am (GMT+12)


360 o…
i have a puppy...only 45 days old...he is very bitey..OOPS

Friday October 5, 2007 - 02:40am (IST)


True …
Offline
Anticipation & Excitement!! He wants that treat - He is cute G

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 04:27pm (CDT)


Buch
it's amazing how much joy a dog can bring... i've seen that anticipation look so many times on pets, especially when it comes to food, lol... great pics!!!

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 05:36pm (EDT)


GG:NF
Very cute Gina. I hve two vacuum cleaners here too so i know exactly what you mean....LOL.

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 02:50pm (PDT)


'chel…
I like this one! I ALMOST did this with Rocky. He's the same way around food! I knew just what you were talking about when you mentioned that gleam in his eyes!

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 05:53pm (CDT)



♥Fran…
Hey Gina Great minds think alike... love your blog and your dog is precious.. I have such a heart for animals... Mine is alot like yours.

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 08:43pm (EDT)


Nick
Why is it that all pets no matter how much you feed them they always want what you have on your plate.. great post I to love all my pets..

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 10:01pm (EDT)


Sienn…
He's a sweety pie! I loved seeing the photos of you, too!!! The Rainbow Bridge poem is the best.

Your dad gave you a wonderful gift giving him to you and you gave Buster a loving home. xo

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 09:13pm (CDT) Remove Comment


Kim K
what a great present from your dad.. doggies and daddies are just gifts.. wonderful pictures too....

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 10:58pm (EDT)



Scatt…
Anaimals are too funny.... There is always anticipation around food. When I cook the dogs will not leave the kitchen no matter what game the children are offering them. The anticipation of scraps coming there way is too much......

Friday October 5, 2007 - 08:39am (GST)



A Fac…
Buster's anticipation is just sooo apparent!!! Great pics. Are dogs ever out of the state of anticipating food????? Great blog as always!!!!!!

Friday October 5, 2007 - 12:50am (EDT)




ahhhh I love Dogsss

Thursday October 4, 2007 - 11:42pm (PDT)



ღஜLov…
What a sweet post! Mine is up have a great weekend!

Friday October 5, 2007 - 12:27pm (CDT)




Love that pic of him lickin' his chops. Too funny.

Friday October 5, 2007 - 10:43am (PDT)


♥♀♂Ŵħ…
Awww Gina what awesome photo's of you and your precious pups!! You can feel the love with just a single glance... they are so lucky to have you to care for them!! I'm sure they anticipate being spoiled by mama eh?! Have a great weekend girl ~ Hugs and Love

~Bren~

Friday October 5, 2007 - 02:30pm (EDT)




Awww how sweet! I have two dogs that are my babies also! Have a great weekend!

Friday October 5, 2007 - 06:32pm (EDT)



Marie
what a mischievous look he has on his face! I'll bet Thanksgiving was his favorite day of the year :D

Friday October 5, 2007 - 10:13pm (EDT)


Linda O
Buster shows us real anticipation!
Can sure tell he is loved and sure loves you!

Saturday October 6, 2007 - 12:29am (CDT)



not h…
Just now making rounds. How precious. Love furr-baby and real baby shots so much. He looked like a very loved ad happy furr-baby. Maybe he's met a couple of my furr babies at Rainbow Bridge and they are frolicking together.

Lovely shots Gina...and such wonderful memories. thanks for sharing both

Saturday October 6, 2007 - 01:41pm (CDT)


Annette
...great photos and story.... enjoyed reading your posting... thanks so much for sharing...

Saturday October 6, 2007 - 03:57pm (CDT)

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Love is . . .

Love is an action, a choice. Love is not really an emotion.

To Love someone is to choose to show up to be devoted to The Divine through that person.

So often in life these days we think that Love is easy or that Love only feels good, but that is not the full extent of what Love is – especially relationship Love.

People think that relationship Love is something that must mask your true feelings, it must always be a euphoric high of some kind or that Love must be a trade.

But that’s not what Love is.

Love is a constant offering to serve to the Heart of the person you are in a relationship with. Love is a constant surrendering of your protective ego, so that the Heart can open even more and show you the unknown beauty of its depths.

Love transcends language, religion and belief systems. Love is the deepest gift that we could ever be given by someone and it’s the greatest gift that we could ever give ourselves.

Love is not a trade. Love is not a power trip. Love is not some grandiose expression of infatuation. Love is a humble and subtle power that guides us to grow into titans of giving.

Love asks us to see beyond the fear of our partner, to dive deeper than their ego would want us to and to not leave, even when all that is triggering us wants us to run.

Love shows up when fear is present and asks for more. Love is bigger, Love is brighter, Love is more powerful than any other force in the Universe, because at the core of every cell in the Universe is the deep yearning and desire to Love and be Loved.

Love does not march in with pomp and circumstance. Love whispers. Love silently beckons us to get over ourselves so that we can see the beauty that lay within us and every other sacred soul.

We were not sent to judge, for judgment is just a request for Love. We were sent to Love the parts of ourselves and the world that lack it. We were sent to be the Love in the seeming void of Love.

We, indeed, are the answer. No one is coming, for we have already come.

Our job is to wake up to Love and then be it.

Our job is to Love.

Source:  Mastin Kipp, The Daily Love

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It’s so much easier, to learn to love what you have instead of yearning always for what you’re missing, or what you imagine you’re missing.

ANNA QUINDLEN

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Fear of Moving On

Either you decide to stay in the shallow end

of the pool or you go out in the ocean.

Christopher Reeve

If you listen to your fears, you will die
never knowing what a great person
you might have been

Robert H. Schuller

I wrote the following post many years ago.  The Captain was already an awesome friend, but it was before we became serious about getting together.  Actually, I was involved with two other guys I was contemplating moving on with.  The big question was "am I ready?"

The theme of the post is fear and feeling safe.  While I am so thankful I got through the fear of moving on and eventually let The Captain into my life and got married, fears still keep me from moving on with my life in different ways.

When I think that I am hopeless with all these fears I still have, I feel gratitude for the progress I have made since JR passed away.  The post I wrote back in 2009 proves that to me and I don't feel so crazy.

Originally published April 15, 2009


What would you do if you weren't at all afraid?

For someone who has way too many fears, I often ask myself that question. Most of my life I've been fearless in pursuit of what strikes my fancy, however, in past years my fearless nature has been tamed to the extreme.

There seems to be an inordinate need to be "safe" . . . staying in my comfort zone prevents me from living a truly satisfying life as I once experienced with such a zest for life.

Perhaps this is all a result of the grief process . . . the extreme life changes . . . and hopefully my "normal" zest for life will return. Fear of failure has gripped my heart and soul where I once followed every dream after making the plan, I now analyze everything to death before making any significant move . . . fearful of the outcome rather than approaching the situation in my usual carefree but cautious manner.

Moments of attaining my ying/yang life balance are coming back with regularity, but leave me with that "fear of failing mentality" with as much regularity. Time heals all wounds and I see this as one of the most important areas of my life to gain control over.

The fear is like a security blanket that I have found difficult to let go of . . . why? It doesn't really keep me safe and keeps me from moving on with my life. Did I just hit on the answer? Is it a fear of moving on and letting go of life as it was? Still feeling the guilt of moving on?

Fate and destiny brings people into our lives at different times for various reasons. Someone from my past has come back into my life who I have always loved, respected, have an extreme comfort with, passion for and would trust with my life . . . my first love.  

TRUST AND LOVE . . . isn't that what my major relationship problems have been in recent past?

Why am I still not ready?

My thoughts of moving on are becoming more realistic. There is no doubt in my mind why "he" is back in my life . . . to cross that huge bridge in my path with me . . . it scares me.

There are times when people drift out of my life and at the time I wonder why, yet always find the answer with the passage of time. The reasons are always for my benefit whether I consciously agree or not. One door closes and another opens . . . the biggest obstacle is walking through that door. Perhaps there is a reason why . . .

Is there anything you would change about your life?

Has fear kept you from doing something you want to do?

Back to present time . . . the reason was The Captain was my destiny!

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Support of your loved ones

The strength that your loved ones give you could inspire you to examine a more challenging life path. 

The aid and support of your loved ones can give you the courage to make the most of the opportunities you have been given. The people who care for you are a resource that you can draw from for support, and the value they can add to your experience is unlimited. Knowing that you are loved can raise your self-esteem, help you feel more comfortable taking risks, and empower you to believe in yourself. Because the people that are important to you will always support you, you’ll be less afraid of failure and more likely to try again should you falter. When you feel bolstered by your loved ones, you will see that anything is possible.

Source:  Daily OM

Growing up, my dad always called me stupid, nothing I did was ever good enough, always raising the bar of expectations as they were close to being reached.  Maybe in his warped way of thinking he was shaping me to be a better and stronger person, not knowing the lifelong damage it would do to me.

For most of my young life, I tried so hard to meet his expectations that were never going to be met.   The result?  As a young adult, I spiralled out of control and was thrust out in a world that I was not ready for, however, deep down inside I knew that I was not that stupid little girl that I was made to believe I was all my life.

Armed with traces of self-confidence from my past accomplishments that I knew were a good thing, I set out to prove to myself that the stupid little girl was never real.  It was a figment of my dad's warped imagination.  Why a person would do that to an innocent little girl is beyond my comprehension.

As time went on, I did prove to myself that I am a very intelligent person with compassion for others.  The compassion came from understanding the emotional hardships we all go through and what they do to our mental health.  However, self-esteem has always been a problem for me, no matter what I accomplish.

There have been people in my life who have recognized my problem with self-esteem and used it as a weapon against me.  It personally stops me in my tracks when I recognize it is happening and makes me wonder why this person is still in my life and their trait of flawed compassion questions my capacity to make wise choices.

It doesn't have to be loved ones.  The support of those we admire means so much . . . think about it.  Compassion and support from others is a treasured gift that should be cherished when you find it.

  

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Fear and Emotional Honesty

It is sad to live in a world where honesty is feared.  People are nosy by nature and always want to know "why" for so many things.  The tendency to pry into the life of one who is not so easy to get close to is a sure way to make them run away and never come back.

What does that have to do with emotional honesty?

"Being honest in a relationship means you tell the truth. 

If you are lying, that puts a barrier between you and the other person. 

Maybe ask yourself the reason you are lying. 

Are you hiding who you truly are? 

Are you hiding because of your own judgments or is it really likely that the other person will reject or criticize you if they know the truth? 

If you are lying, then the relationship loses intimacy and safety.

Being honest doesn’t mean the same as passing judgement or making assumptions or giving an unsolicited opinion. Being honest is not saying something hurtful because you are hurt. Being honest means you express your emotions accurately and in a loving way. You stay on the same side. You don’t blame, name-call, or use the relationship to control what the other person does. Emotional honesty, factual honesty and respect support and nurture loving connections."

Source

The above is an excerpt from an article published by Psych Central, "Four Characteristics of Soul-Fulfilling Relationships" written by Karyn Hall, PhD.

Even a "little white lie" can chip away at trust in a relationship.  A lie is a lie is a lie . . . a betrayal, no matter how small or large.

When someone lies to me, the first question that usually comes to mind is "why did they tell the lie to begin with."  It continues from there . . . "How many times have they lied . . ."  I could go on and on.

Half truths are much like lies.  My intuition always tells me when something important is being swept under the rug.  Those things that are under that rug can start a roller coaster ride that sometimes goes out of control.  Trust flies out the window . . . and it also depends on the type of relationship you have with this person.

On the flip side . . . I started this post about fear of honesty.  It has been my experience that people in general are very insensitive and love to judge others. Maybe it makes them feel better about themselves.

Call it paranoia, but in the past I have been so judged about my varying phobias and how I deal with them that I have gotten to where I don't want any new friends and having to "explain" why I can't do this or that.  It isn't worth it anymore.

I recently arranged to meet up with a childhood friend at a restaurant close to home and my "comfort zone."  We lost contact with each other after high school.  Actually, I was feeling pretty positive about seeing her again.  Then I got the message that her husband wanted to meet half way.  That place would have taken me way past my comfort zone and I just didn't want to explain why I could not comply with the request that, under normal circumstances would be considered reasonable.  

So, I cancelled and deactivated my Facebook account so I would not be asked to explain with all the dreaded questions about "why" . . . which leads to judging and even more questions that make me so uncomfortable.  Yes, I know she now thinks I am nuts, but probably would not have understood my issues anyway.  So I ran away from it.

In this case, honesty would have taken me to an all familiar uncomfortable place from my recent past that I don't want to be at again.  I'd rather not have new friends.

Most people don't "get" phobias and I'm tired of explaining them.  Just when I think I am managing better and take steps to move on, a situation arises to make me take many steps back.

It all makes me sad . . .

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