Life is good

 

Although I am still healing and experiencing way too much emotional pain that I pretty much inflict on myself, life in general is good.  

Quality of life is subjective depending on how you perceive it.  I'm not sure that even made sense.  It did to me.  Other than the emotional stress I put on myself, my quality of life is pretty good.  

I have always been the type of person who could be alone in life and still have a good quality of life and experience happiness.  At an early age, people let me down and hurt me, making it easy to depend on myself since I have always felt there were few in my life I could trust not to hurt me.  And really, for that I am grateful since I am a stronger person for it.  Stronger does not mean happier though.

Not trusting others is one of those things that does not make my life happier.  It just makes me so aware of others and ready to deal with disappointment.  In my whole life, there are very few people I have allowed close to me.  And with those few, many of them were a mistake to let close.  We live and learn, don't we?

Since The Captain was ill before he passed away and since then, I allowed those who hurt me get the best of me and as a result, I have isolated myself, determined to be happy on my own and protect myself from further hurt.  It is so foolish to allow others to determine your happiness.  Even those we truly love.

I have learned that all I need is to believe in myself, be grateful for all that God has blessed me with and KNOW and acknowledge exactly how blessed I really am.  There is not much that I really need to worry about, so I have decided that it is time to shed the extreme sadness from grief and the anger of those who hurt me, find joy in the little things in life and make the quality of my life the best it has ever been.

That is the goal for the rest of my life!

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Solitude and Being A Hermit

 

I choose to be what so many people describe as being a "hermit."  For now, it is what is a comfortable lifestyle for me as I contemplate the rest of my life . . . again. 

It is important for me and necessary for my healing to write honestly about these past months without going into major details.  I also hope it will help just one person out there going through something.  That is what my blog is about. 

My heart has been broken.  I am grieving the loss of another husband and I've been judged by people who can neither understand nor validate my deepest thoughts, feelings, and concerns during one of the worse times of my life.  My body and soul has been numb and lost.

Lacking compassion for my feelings, they could not be gentle enough when I finally developed trust and honestly open up about everything, breaking something in me over and over again.  

My heart is tired and craves my alone time, the solitude that is my comfort zone from those who deem themselves "normal" and feel so compelled to judge me unfairly, not even trying to understand where I am in life and where I have come from emotionally, what I have been through.  I'm left with the uncomfortable feeling of being accused of having a "victim mentality" when they have no idea of who I am.  

All this has been life changing.

Yes, I now love my solitude and being a hermit.  There are a few people I allow myself to be close with.  These months have given me the time to contemplate what The Captain went through, where I have been and where I am going for the rest of my life.   I'm slowly healing, I can talk about it now and am confronting everything head on, getting stronger every day.  One day at a time, one second at a time.

Believe it or not, the solitude is beginning to make it possible to heal without the judging opinions of insensitive people.  The toxicity is no longer a part of my life, they are not a part of my life, and that makes me happy.  

It will affect the way I perceive those I think about letting into my life in the future.  This is the world we live in.  Insensitivity is no longer a rare thing.

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Dealing with a toxic relationship?

"If you grew up with a toxic parent, a toxic sibling or other close family member, you are likely more vulnerable to toxic relationships as an adult."

According to an article in Psychology Today, there are ways of dealing with a toxic person.


First of all, how do you know you are in a toxic relationship?  

Here are some signs:

• When you see the person, you come away feeling down on yourself
• You are plagued by guilt in the relationship
• The other person is focused mostly on getting his/her own needs met
• You often feel manipulated or controlled, one-down, or shamed
• The other person repeatedly hurts you, and then expects you to act as if nothing happened

Recipients of the toxicity often don't see themselves as being in a toxic relationship.  As they take the behavior of the toxic person, all they want to do is make it better.  Some may think they deserve it and blame themselves for what is wrong in the relationship.  Perhaps too much compassion for the other person?  That just results in making excuses for what is wrong.  


You can do something about it . . .

Read the article to get the detailed explanations of strategies that may help you:

1. Never let them pull you down to their level. Fighting back at their level will not work and you will end up feeling guilty.
2. Stop caring so much. Protect yourself!
3. Become more self-focused. It’s very likely that caring too little about yourself made you vulnerable to your person in the first place.  Begin to think more about how you feel and what you need.  
4. Stop falling for games and manipulations and stop participating. Take your power back.
5. Be cordial. Being cordial gives you the upper hand in a healthy, non-toxic way.
6. Hold him/her responsible for their actions. Be sure to do this in your own mind, at least.
7. Distancing and set your boundaries.  Emotionally or physically, or preferably both.
8. Live well.  If the toxic person is someone who will always be in your life, then your goal is to thrive in spite of the toxins. Make good choices and protect yourself!
   

Don't ever forget that you deserve to be treated fairly, respectfully and honestly at all times, by all people . . . anything less is unacceptable!

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