The changing ocean tides

Oh, mirror in the sky

What is love

Can the child within my heart rise above

Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides

Can I handle the seasons of my life
lyrics from
Landslide (Barkan Ottaviano Remix) - Fleetwood Mac



Lately I've been on a quest to consolidate all of my personal journals and blogs into this one blog.  It is interesting (to say the least) to go back and see how the mirror in the sky has reflected the changes in my life since I became a widow.  From that day up to present day, happily married to The Captain, life has taken me on quite a journey.
In the past day or so, I've been pouring over my journals at the five year mark of widowhood . . . late 2007/early 2008.  The frustration with myself was intense and changed frequently.  I perceive this phase as my time of awakening.  The anxiety of it all was confusing to the point of feeling like I was about to lose my mind.  The irony is it may have been one of the sanest times of my life.
2008 was the year I finally got a real job after being a retailer for over a decade.  My online stores went from being extremely prosperous to costing me money almost overnight when the economy tanked.  
For the first time since I moved away from my parents' home, I had to worry about money and survival.  Getting a real job meant failure to me since I had finally escaped it after working in the corporate world for so long.  I was no longer my own boss . . . I had lost the freedom that was so precious to me.
The two posts that follow span a few months and opposite perceptions of life, accentuating the confusing times I went through in this phase, knowing I had to make drastic changes that were freaking me out.
I do not consider myself "normal" yet, but I have moved on with my life into a new phase, no longer confused.  I've already been there and done that.  The changes yet to be made includes a partner to help me through the changing tides that guide us into yet another phase of life.


Originally posted on January 5, 2008
The strange thing about life changes is our attitude and perception of them which in turn affects how we handle them and what our reactions are during different phases of life changes.

The following entry was written a few months ago, but my way of thinking has changed in just that short time. Now I see my future as an adventure and don't hate my life as it is. What is so exciting about what I see now is that my possibilities are endless, rather than hopeless.

The sky is the limit . . . my life can be whatever I want it to be.
What an exciting thought to begin the new year with. 


Originally posted on September 28, 2007

The beautiful voice of Stevie Nicks . . . one of my favorite female singers . . . a timeless beauty and an inspiration that we can age gracefully.  Landslide has  been one of my favorite songs. For some reason, I've wanted to hear it over and over again this morning

Maybe it is the featured lyrics that haunt me and have got me to thinking. Changes are a part of life . . . I've never liked changes. I'm the type of person who likes to put my roots down and incrementally perfect my reality, but not drastically change it.

Having said that, I have gone through so many changes in my life and made it through all of them. In retrospect, it seems to me like all the changes in my life have been good ones. I've learned from all of them and I've handled the seasons of my life quite nicely . . . and yes, times have made me bolder and stronger. But JR was by my side when I made those changes, I wasn't alone. It doesn't feel that way at the time though, I'm alone and all of a sudden making changes is scary. Even the little ones.

The recent changes have been many . . . five years has seemed like a lifetime that stood still, but they haven't. When I see my reflection, I don't like what I see and I need to make drastic changes. For the first time in my life, I have so much confusion. I don't like the reflection of an indecisive woman, I'm a decisive person by nature. Is it depression or whatever label "it" is given . . . that strange feeling?

I'm normally one of those people who knows what they want . . . and I'm very detail oriented . . . my dreams have always been in details. But JR's death was such a shock to my system, it knocked me down so hard and even though I've gotten up and fallen down several times already, I'm still feeling strong, but so confused. I still don't know what I want out of life. My life was set, everything was determined in details . . . it included my partner. I was so happy, I never wanted anything to change, our lives were as perfect as life can get.

I keep climbing that mountain and turn around . . . I took my love, took it down . . . God forgive me, but I'm hating my life this morning. I feel so out of control while feeling strong and bold . . . honestly I don't know what I want and it is hard to move forward in this state. The constant theme of my writings have been that I am one of life's contradictions . . . all things at once and they are all having a battle to win.

Will the landslide bring me down before I can  sail through the changing ocean tides? 
Time will tell . . .

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Great moments

It will happen on occasion, a great moment that was least expected, simple in nature, yet never to be forgotten.

Working in the mental health industry brought me many of these moments in recent past and those moments taught me many life lessons.  The most profound lesson is similar to the following story.

You can't buy great moments . . . they are gifts from God.

I'm not sure where this story comes from . . .

Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living.  One night I took a fare at 2:30 am, when I arrived to collect, the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window.  Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, and then drive away. 

But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation.  Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself. 

So I walked to the door and knocked.  "Just a minute", answered a frail, elderly voice.  I could hear something being dragged across the floor. 

After a long pause, the door opened.  A small woman in her 80's stood before me.  She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie. 

By her side was a small nylon suitcase.  The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years.  All the furniture was covered with sheets.  There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters.  In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware. 

"Would you carry my bag out to the car?" she said.   I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.

She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. 

She kept thanking me for my kindness. "It's nothing," I told her.  "I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated."

"Oh, you're such a good boy," she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, and then asked, "Could you drive through downtown?" 

"It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly. 

"Oh, I don't mind," she said "I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice." 

I looked in the rear-view mirror.  Her eyes were glistening.  "I don't have any family left," she continued.  "The doctor says I don't have very long."  I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. 

"What route would you like me to take?"  I asked. 

For the next two hours, we drove through the city.  She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. 

We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. 

Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing. 

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, "I'm tired.  Let's go now." 

We drove in silence to the address she had given me.  It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. 

Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up.  They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move.  They must have been expecting her. 

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door.  The woman was already seated in a wheelchair. 

"How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into her purse. 

"Nothing," I said

"You have to make a living," she answered. "There are other passengers," I responded. Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.  She held onto me tightly. 

"You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she said.   "Thank you." 

I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light.  Behind me, a door shut.  It was the sound of the closing of a life. 

I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift.  I drove aimlessly lost in thought.  For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? 

What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life. 

We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. 

But great moments often catch us unaware . . . beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one. 

PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER
EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID,
OR WHAT YOU SAID, BUT THEY

 WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER

HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL. 

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Escape from Paradise

A look back at two different times in recent past where I was transitioning from being a "hermit" to a somewhat "normal" person who was contemplating an escape from Paradise into the real world.  This post was written shortly before returning to the world of a "real job."

Originally posted on April 8, 2008
My goal for 2008 was to turn my life around and find happiness and contentment . . . a purpose. Today the thought occurred to me that while God is throwing signs at me from all directions, I only see the ones that I want to see, not the ones that he intends for me to see. The signs were all there and I even mentioned it in the following post from last year . . . I was being pushed out the door. I needed to ESCAPE FROM PARADISE.

Changes in my lifestyle had to be made since my life circumstances had changed and I had to change with them no matter how much I did not want to. Don't we all hate change? Don't we all have to do things that we don't want to do sometimes in life? I was holding on to a variation of the past that no longer was. God wanted me back out in the real world interacting with real people or else my online business would have continued to thrive as it once did. And I would still drift through time with no schedule, no sleep pattern and no purpose.

I've discovered I have a voice again. For someone functioning "normally" in this world of interacting with people, it is going to sound strange . . . but I would go through periods of total silence not speaking to anyone . . . I spoke through my keyboard, writing in my blogs since I isolated myself from people and became a hermit-like creature living in a cave, never to be seen or heard from in the real world. 
 I remember hearing the story of a man who had died watching television and was not found until a long period of time after he had passed away . . . it scared me that my life would end up like that if I continued in my hermit ways.

Just as 2008 was the year for me to turn my life around, 2007 was the year of realization and discovery for me as I made incremental changes throughout the year, preparing myself for the big change that was to come, not knowing what "it" was.

As I transfer my entries to Blogger, it is another realization to see how far I have progressed in changing my life and knowing that the direction I have taken is the right one for me at this time in my life. It is all so clear to me now, especially after reading the following entry from last year.


Originally posted on January 29, 2007

On occasion I have to do those pesky little things like go to the grocery store and actually leave my house and pry myself away from the computer. And I hate every minute of it!

As I got out in the real world of nice people who turn into demons behind the wheel of a car in traffic and little old ladies who go to the grocery store to socialize and take up the whole aisle, creating a back up for those of us who just want to go in, get what we want and leave, I realized that I actually enjoy and LOVE the solitude of my little world that I call Paradise.

After having a very long, soul searching discussion with my mom, who spent most of the day with me, it was so clear to me. Being home is what makes Gina happy, truly happy . . . making money at home and doing what I want, when I want without depending on anyone for anything. It gave me a new-found determination to make my online business work, even though I have no idea how I will pull that off since it has been dying a torturous death since eBay really started messing with seller fees and making it impossible for anyone to make a profit except for eBay. 

On the other hand, being the type of person I am that sees everything as a "sign", I have seen it as God pushing me out the door to a "real" job so I can get a social life as well as make money. 

The analysis of these signs and

my wants are having a struggle!

In the scope of my world and the things that are tormenting me at the moment, two things loom prominently . . . 1) no one to love and spoil . . . 2) finding a way to make a comfortable living online again . . . otherwise, my life is perfect. Really it is . . . and I live a very simple life where money does not rule my world, so it takes very little for me to be peaceful and content with my life.

The issue of "how am I going to survive" has been the major problem this past year as the online retail market has made drastic changes . . . not for the better. Since my husband died, I made a very comfortable living on eBay selling new and vintage costume jewelry and all of a sudden . . . crash . . . boom! 

Thank God I have many talents and probably would not have a problem finding employment, but I would not be true to myself. I go back and forth on this issue and really hate to make a commitment to a real job feeling this way. My heart has to be in it . . . just like anything in my life. I'm passionate about everything I do . . . nothing is done half way. So . . . committing to a job after being self-employed for over a decade . . . well, not sure if I can handle it to be perfectly honest.

This is another time of rambling and thinking out loud . . . my blog is also the journal my expensive shrink taught me how to keep a long time ago . . . letting everything out, analyze all angles . . . and maybe helping someone else going through the struggle of life changes in the process. It also gives my future soulmate a look into what goes on in my head and will know what he is getting yourself into with me . . . lol. I have nothing to hide! This is the real me with no pretenses or phony baloney stuff. What you see is what you get.

My real life paradise before it became a jungle (a small part of my massive back yard) . . . this is a short term goal . . . tame the jungle a bit so I can regain the sanctuary aspect of my property . . . and I can do it if I don't have to punch a time clock . . .

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