Holidays and Difficult Times

The holidays alone can bring on difficult times for so many in this world for many reasons.  I found an excellent article entitled "Difficult Times" that describes it perfectly.  It is posted further on this post, along with a link to the awesome website it comes from.

Holiday difficult times have struck me for more than just one year.  I wrote about one period of time following the death of my first husband JR.  He passed on in October, when it seems like the holiday can't wait to descend upon us.  The first year was almost unbearable . . . I just wanted to die myself.  Click here for that post, Sentimental Lady.

This year finds me with new life circumstances . . . a tree that is still crushing my house thanks to Hurricane Irma. 

Although I have tried to maintain a positive attitude as time creeps by with FEMA taking their sweet time looking over our appeal since they denied us financial help back in October, it becomes more difficult by the day.  

Not being able to go back home since September and not knowing if FEMA is going to accept our appeal for assistance is taking its emotional toll on me no matter how strong I try to be. 

My crushing house and the resulting life circumstances, along with memories of my old life and the grief associated with loved ones who are gone and missed have ushered in another dreaded holiday.  

Of course I am truly grateful for everything I have been blessed with, but there are those difficult holiday times where I am just downright depressed and have a difficult time pulling myself out of it.

This too shall pass . . . thank you for your prayers!

  

I am sharing this quote from a Facebook friend's wall . . .

"This is a difficult time of year for many who struggle with depression. The toughest time of the year for depression tends to be around the Holidays. Please be aware of those around you. Say an extra prayer, touch an extra hand, smile an extra smile. You are the difference! Please take the time to put this on your wall to help raise awareness of, and for those who have mental health difficulties." 

The following is an awesome post I found that fits perfectly with my post . . .

Difficult Times

BY MADISYN TAYLOR We can also benefit from times of constriction and difficult to help us grow and learn. It can be very challenging to maintain a positive attitude and a measure of faith when you are in the midst of difficult times. This is partly because we tend to think that if the universe loves us we will experience that love in the form of positive circumstances. However, we are like children, and the universe is our wise mother who knows what our souls need to thrive better than we do. Just as a young child does not benefit from getting everything she wants, we also benefit from times of constriction and difficulty to help us grow and learn. If we keep this in mind, and continue to trust that we are loved even when things are hard, it helps us bear the difficult time with grace. This period of time in history is full of difficulty for a lot of human beings, and you may feel less alone knowing you are not being singled out. There are extreme energy changes pulsing through the universe at every level and, of course, we are all part of the growing process and the growing pains. It helps if we remember that life is one phase after another and that this difficult time will inevitably give way to something new and different. When we feel overwhelmed we can comfort ourselves with the wise saying: This too shall pass. At the same time, if you truly feel that nothing is going right for you, it's never a bad idea to examine your life and see if there are some changes you can make to alleviate some of the difficulty. Gently and compassionately exploring the areas giving you the most trouble may reveal things you are holding onto and need to release: unprocessed emotions, unresolved transitions, or negative ways of looking at yourself or reality. As you take responsibility for the things you can change, you can more easily surrender to the things you can't, remembering all the while that this phase will, without doubt, give way to another.

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Sentimental Lady . . . my favorite post from the past

As another holiday season approaches, this will be my second "normal" holiday since I became a widow. As with last year, I'm giving thanks  and being grateful for what we have individually been blessed with . . . good and bad. I continue to be grateful and thankful for finding my path . . . and the one to love and be loved by that I was searching for.  The awful feeling of dreading the approaching holidays of the past decade or so has been replaced with child-like anticipation, like it used to be before my world was turned upside down with the death of  my first husband. While I don't have a problem with the festivities of the holiday and actually looked forward to them this year, I still can't handle decorating the house for Christmas.  I just can't do it and don't want to. I will never EVER forget those awful tortured feelings of completely dreading the holiday and have a special place in my heart for those less fortunate . . . those who are dealing with those emotions this holiday season. The following entry is from the nightmare phase of my life and it is like I have always said . . . this too shall pass . . . and it did.  Thank God! The following entry was originally posted on December 4, 2007 and remains my favorite post ever. December . . . the magical time of year is upon us . . . yet in contrast, brings us the longest and darkest nights of the year . . . perhaps delivering the mystical powers of the moon. Isn't it all an illusion anyway, how we perceive our lives? Where we are in life . . . happy time,  sad time, time of transition? The magical season is believed by many to hold miracles . . . Santa Claus and fairy tales. Miracles don't always come in pretty boxes wrapped up with beautiful bows . . . sometimes they don't come at all. What deems one person worthy of a miracle and the other not? Was it the degree of naughty or nice? I don't know and I'm trying to figure it out . . . who holds that magic wand? As I weave my tapestry of contentment for this magical season, joy comes in the form of memories of Christmas past filled with love and laughter in my heart. I miss JR so much that I STILL scream into a pillow to let the sadness out. It does help . . . but the withdrawals for a person that you loved and lost can't be compared to anything else in life. Every year as the pumpkins are decorated and set out in the night with candlelight to illuminate the darkness, the dread creeps up on me . . . the witching hour has arrived and it is time to be reminded that I should be joyous and happy. But I'm not . . . my fairy tale ended. The one who holds the magic wand is nowhere to be found . . . the only pumpkins I see light the night . . . at least it is not total darkness. I'm blessed and grateful for contentment of survival during my life's transitions . . . I have everything I need, even if not what I want. What I want lives in my memories and this season reminds me of what I lost . . . yet in this magical time I know miracles happen at their appropriate time when least expected. My real life fairy tale began on a Christmas night long ago when I thought the one holding the magic wand had forgotten about me another year. I met JR on Christmas night in a club that played country music, where a pop music princess and a rock & roll music freak would normally never be found . . . but there we were, both in an unlikely place on an unlikely night . . . the miracle of destiny awaited us and lasted a lifetime. Yes, I still believe in miracles and never lose hope that I will find that joy and happiness again when destiny calls me again. While this is a sad time of year for me, I have my family and it is getting easier as the years go by. Although I struggle with it, I am fairly well adjusted and can handle it. However, there are people in this world who have no one . . . this is the time of year suicides are on the rise . . . the joyous season is also the lonely season to many who have experienced some type of loss or hardship in their life. Reach out to someone you know who is not as fortunate as yourself this time of year . . . it could make such a difference in their life . . . I hope rather than bringing you down, I made you think about how fragile life is and to be so grateful for and appreciate those you love. Love like there is no tomorrow . . . Happy holidays my friends . . . peace, love and happiness . . . Sentimental Lady | Bob Welch Lyrics You are here and warm But I could look away and you'd be gone Cause we live in a time When meaning falls in splinters from our lives And that's why I've travelled far Cause I come so together where you are And all of the things that I said that I wanted Come rushing by in my head when I'm with you 14 joys and a will to be merry And all of the things that we say are very Sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one Now you are here today But easily you might just go away Cause we live in a time When paintings have no color, words don't rhyme And that's why I've travelled far Cause I come so together where you are And all of the things that I said that I wanted Come rushing by in my head when I'm with you 14 joys and a will to be merry And all of the things that we say are very Sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one You are here and warm But I could look away and you'd be gone Cause we live in a time When meaning falls in splinters from our lives And that's why I've travelled far Cause I come so together where you are Yes and all of the things that I said that I wanted Come rushing by in my head when I'm with you 14 joys and a will to be merry And all of the things that we say are very Sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one Sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one Sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one Well sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one

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Stop Me

An old love from the past had come back into my life.  It was an unresolved issue that haunted me most of my adult life.  He had joined the military and never came back . . . well, not until many years after I became a widow.  We had a second chance for a future together when he came back into my life through Classmates.com after all those years.  

To make a long story short . . . 
I walked away after determining that we were never meant to be.  

Although I was heartbroken, my wise decision brought the closure and resolution to one of the biggest heartaches of my youth.  At the time, I didn't see my decision as one of the greatest blessings of my life.

The irony of life and holding on to hope and faith . . .

One door closes and another opens! 

The Captain came into my life shortly after my decision to just walk away from what I determined was not my destiny and I wrote the following post.  There were no expectations, The Captain and I developed an awesome friendship that eventually turned into love and forever.

I'm grateful that no one tried to STOP ME!

This post was originally  published on 2/24/09

I have always held firmly to the thought
that each one of us can do a little to
bring some portion of misery to an end.

(Albert Schweitzer)

Isn't that the truth?
Don't we sometimes perpetuate our own misery?

I've caught myself midstream into a pity party and have finally been able to pick myself up in the midst of getting to that miserable place. It is an example of what we can learn to do in order to stop that vicious cycle of misery and finally bring it to an end.

Slaying the dragon . . .
it has been one of my biggest demons

In light of recent developments in my life that seems to be another vicious cycle . . . circumstances that make me deliriously happy and feeling as though I'm walking on clouds only to make my ascent from the heavenly clouds abrupt and painful. The disappointments keep happening.

Do I turn off that part of me that thoroughly enjoys expectations of happiness after such a long period of grief and misery? Every time I'm disappointed I go back and readdress expectations in my life. Next time I am going on about how happy I am . . . STOP ME . . . it is like the kiss of death.

Must I turn off that part of me that feels joy because romantic history continues to repeat itself and I always end up more unhappy than before the joy happened? Next time I am going on about feeling joy . . . STOP ME . . . it is like the kiss of death.

I'm learning to forget about great expectations . . . and to me, that is so very sad . . . it is part of the beauty and allure of the quest for love and romance . . . and so much a part of who I am.

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Relate to yourself

Relate to yourself through your journal

 "To write spiritually is to engage in a search for authentic language. You’ll find your truth by writing your way to it." 

-- Patrice Vecchione 

Who would allow you to totally ignore, abuse, laugh with, swear at, shed tears on, get angry at and be totally honest with him/her?

 Your journal does. 

Your journal is an unconditional friend. It does not reject, manipulate, judge, laugh at or ridicule you. It’s always there for you. So be honest with your best friend and it will help you discover who you are.

"The positive thing about writing is that you connect with yourself in the deepest way, and that's heaven. You get a chance to know who you are, to know what you think. You begin to have a relationship with your mind."

-- Natalie Goldberg

Source: Soul Journey

I've gotten away from writing in my journal, which could attribute to my lost feelings through another time of transformation and changes.

My journal is the one place I can truly be honest about everything, allowing me to be my true, authentic self.

Life is ever-changing.  Transitions can be slow, but continual . . . giving the illusion of standing still.  But nothing or no one stands completely still.  Time will eventually find you at a place you don't recognize, can't relate to . . . leaving that feeling of being lost.

Keeping a journal was the best tool found by way of my therapy sessions.  Even in times of change and confusion, I knew how I was feeling about everything, with a sketchy map of the path out of that place.

As The Captain and I define the rest of our lives professionally, I keep asking myself what would truly make me happy in the quest of a successful way to making a living.  Honestly, I really don't know . . . and once again, I am grateful that I have the opportunity to find out, but it is going to take serious soul searching to come up with the thing that will make me truly happy.  

All I know at this time is that whatever I end up doing will involve using my creativity and at the same time keeping in mind that the economy really sucks.  

This post just proved that by putting thoughts in writing, I have defined two starting points in my quest . . . what can I do creatively that will prove to be worth my while monetarily in poor economic times . . . the variables being creativity and poor economic times.  I feel a little less lost already!

As you find yourself in times of confusion, life changes and transition, try writing your thoughts in a journal or start a blog (they can be private).  In the past, my grateful posts were the most insightful for me.  It is important to just get in touch with your thoughts and feelings.

Lesson learned!  

Time to relate to myself again!

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Breathing in Heaven and Earth

When we choose not to focus
On what is missing from our lives
But are grateful for the abundance
that's present,
We experience heaven on earth.

Sarah Breathnach

It was a troubling chapter in my life . . . I was so lost and desperately seeking the way to crawl out of the situation, knowing that in time I would.  Sometimes I go back to my old journals and blog posts to grasp reality and see the transitions in my life since JR died.  Those days were like a roller coaster that I could not stop . . . one day good, the next day unbearable and miserable . . . back and forth.  I had to go through it to get to where I am today.

The following post was written back in 2008.  Of course I still have bad days . . . and I've come to accept the fact that I have a condition that has been diagnosed as restlessness and anxiety.  As time goes on, I've learned how to cope when those days appear.  With the help of the wonderful man I married, I learned how to move on with life itself.  It has been quite a journey back from the depths of depression as a result of grief and drastic life changes!

One of the reasons I blog about my journey is to help others going through a life situation that seems hopeless.  Nothing is ever hopeless when you have faith that "this too shall pass" . . . it will.

The feeling of  breathing in heaven and earth is awesome . . . in good AND bad times, when you learn how to be grateful.  It is the lesson I had to learn before moving on with my life.


THIS POST WAS ORIGINALLY 

WRITTEN JUNE 2008 

The presence of faith, hope and limitless opportunities in my life is what I am most grateful for today. It is the absence of faith and hope in our lives which brings the mindset of depression, hopelessness and dread of life. The ability to regain faith within us, exhibiting the strength to blindly walk the path of opportunity, pulling oneself out of the pits of depression is the feeling of heaven on earth.

Sometimes we must go there . . . to enter the pits of depression and feel the fire . . . to be reminded of how much we have to be grateful for and realize what is missing in our life. Surprisingly, at this moment, I am grateful for feeling the heat of that fire.

To wake up with a smile on my face is a blessing . . . the hope and promise of a new day rather than the dread of having to wake up to face a living hell . . . that is the feeling of heaven on earth.

The pleasure of preparing a home cooked meal, enjoying and savoring every bite . . . rather than not having the appetite for anything or the emotional energy to put it together . . . another feeling I am so grateful for at this moment.

Living life rather than anticipating and waiting for death, pulling oneself out of the pits of depression, the feeling of standing on a steep cliff and seeing your life flash before your eyes . . . I'm so grateful for heaven on earth.

A thought occurs to me . . . as long as we are breathing there is hope and opportunity is always present, we just need to open our eyes and minds to see it. And from the immortal words of Scarlett O'Hara . . . tomorrow is another day.

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The Transition Zone

“When we feel stuck, going nowhere . . . even
starting to slip backward . . . we may actually
be backing up to get a running start.”

Dan Millman

Changing from holding on to those old habits or circumstances in life can sometimes be difficult since they are comfortable. The transition zone is not in the comfort zone . . . it is the unknown.

Seems like life circumstances can put you in the comfort zone and out of the transition zone. Having to deal with a life and death situations throw me into the comfort zone, making it difficult to eat, sleep or just function normally . . . as if I have been momentarily paralyzed into the comfort zone.

I’m still dealing with the death of my spouse and several close friends and family within the span of a few years and really, I was thinking about how well I was dealing with grief, but now I don’t know what I am feeling . . . it is like everything has come back to haunt me.  It comes and goes . . . even though I have moved on with a new love and my life is happy.

The past couple of weeks have found me dealing with several health issues that have gotten me down with so much to do and not much energy to do it.  

Although I am feeling stuck, going nowhere . . . more like suspended in time . . . and yes, I feel as though I have slipped backward, but I am having faith that I am just backing up to get a running start.

Do you have times of teetering on the edge
of the transition zone and the comfort zone?

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Faith and the darkness of the unknown

"When you come to the edge of all the light you know

and are about to step into the darkness of the unknown.

Faith is knowing that one of two things will happen.

There will be solid ground to stand on or

you will be taught to fly."

Author unknown

Life and society as we know it has been changing and in transition . . . the economy, the political scene and unemployment that has run out of control.  Each decision we make is just a part of the cycle of cause and effect, approaching the decision-making process having the faith and knowledge that there are always possibilities and choices available empowers the process of exploring what is most beneficial for each of us as individuals.  

The optimum word is faith.

In the darkness of the unknown, there is one thing that remains constant . . . if we are not happy with present life circumstances and the choices made, we have the power to make different choices.  There are always choices . . . take the time to consider those options and ponder the possible outcomes with heightened awareness rather than make rash decisions based on emotion.

Faith is putting all your eggs in God's basket, 

then counting your blessings before they hatch.

  ~Ramona C. Carroll

Faith has never let me down . . . fears do.

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Transition and fear

“Cause you could spend your life
Lookin’ for your own reflection
Time could blur the lines
Between what’s real
And what’s projected
Had I known what I lost?
What I gained, what it’d cost
I’d still give what remains
To be myself again”

from the song
Be Myself Again
by Donna Summer

My emotions have been all over the place with that displaced feeling of not knowing where I belong in this world and looking in the mirror and not knowing who I am. It is one of those times in life when we momentarily take the liberty of losing ourselves in the midst of a bad situation.

Emotions play a big part of who we are and I am very good at masking my emotions to the point of not recognizing myself. Haven’t we all been here at one stage or another of our lives?

I held my emotions long enough to make rational decisions about my future and it all hit me . . . the stress of past months. I’ve been there before when keeping it together through one of life's awful circumstance and have allowed myself to fall apart after it was done. Sometimes the strength we possess is amazing.

Tears are a cleansing of the soul when an emotional surge is needed to express those things held inside too long. Now my strength has been renewed by emotions that were as temporary waves, ridden out through a safe harbor within.

Times of change and transition bring out all types of emotions. My boyfriend describes how I am feeling as being "conflicted." He's right . . . as I ponder my present life circumstance today, fear compounded with anger . . . the fear of change and fear of the coming days grip me at this moment. Fear of the unknown is what would best describe what most people going through a life transition experience.

When you face your fear, most of the time you will discover that it was not really such a big threat after all. We all need some form of deeply rooted, powerful motivation . . . it empowers us to overcome obstacles so we can live our dreams. (Les Brown)

We are called to be architects of the future, not its victims. (R. Buckminster Fuller)

Experience is all we have to learn and grow through. Change is currently a major part of that experience. If there were no change there would be no growth. If there is no growth there is only stagnation. (Athene Raefiel)

Psychology Today describes fear as "a vital response to physical and emotional danger—if we couldn't feel it, we couldn't protect ourselves from legitimate threats. But often we fear situations that are in no way life-or-death, and thus hang back for no good reason. Traumas or bad experiences can trigger a fear response within us that is hard to quell. Yet exposing ourselves to our personal demons is the best way to move past them."

Lyrics

Be Myself Again | Donna Summer

Let me introduce myself

I'm a woman that you've never seen

You might know me from somewhere else

As someone that I've never been

I gave everything to play the game

My soul fell apart at the seams

I fell down like a house of cards

When somebody pulled the queen

'Cause you could spend your life

Lookin for your own reflection

Time could blur the lines

Between what's real and what's projected

Had I known

What I lost

What I gained

What it'd cost

I'd still give what remains

To Be Myself Again

You must believe me when I say

Don't live someone else's design

Turn it around like a photograph

The writings been there all the time

Now you can have all these

Hopes and dreams

The ones I can't use anymore

I don't know what it is you lost

But I hope you got what you came for

'Cause you could spend your life

Looking for your own reflection

Time could blur the lines

Between what's real and what's projected

Had I known

What I lost

What I gained

What it'd cost

I'd still give what remains

To Be Myself Again

Sometimes I want to leave right now

Sometimes I want to cry out loud

I want to let it all hang out

But I don't want to let you down

Sometimes I want to just lay here

Sometimes I want to disappear

I want to show you all my fear

But I don't want to let you down

'Cause you could spend your life

Looking for your own reflection

Time could blur the lines

Between what's real and what's projected

Had I known

What I lost

What I gained

What it'd cost

I'd still give what remains

To Be Myself Again

To Be Myself Again

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It's Always Something

It's always something

Roseanne Roseannadanna

(Gilda Radner's SNL character)

The following post is from one of my
older blogs that I'm still transferring to this one.

As I was going through some old posts to transfer over, it occurred to me that my life has come full circle . . . and it is a fabulous feeling of accomplishment.

At the time of originally writing this blog post, I was just starting to find myself again after locking myself in the house, never wanting to come out . . . just waiting to die. Little by little the desire to really live again started coming back.

I'm so grateful for the years of journaling and blogging that give me so much insight into myself, understanding where I've been and guide me to the path of my future.

By the way . . . "it's always something" never changes no matter where you are in your life. There is always some little irritation of life to make us grateful for that which is awesome . . . at least that is how I try to perceive "those little somethings" now. 

Originally posted October 8, 2007

Just another day in paradise . . . at least I'm feeling better than I did last night, but not well enough for a job interview . . . I should have known better than to even think about doing that today. My bills are covered and I just need to try to keep myself from drowning and feeling like a part of the human race. So that is my quest for today . . . to pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again.

For some reason this morning I was thinking about Gilda Radner's saying as the character on Saturday Night Live, Roseanne Roseannadanna, "It's Always Something."   Isn't it the truth? It is just how we handle that "something" that makes the difference. 

I've seen the changes in me from one year to the next in how I have handled this day . . . to me this is the biggest grief trigger day . . . the "death anniversary". Many of you who are walking in my shoes have mentioned the trigger days . . . and there are many. This is the big one for me.

In some ways I am still in a state of shock over the death of my husband, although I have addressed and readdressed the phase of "acceptance" . . . it is not just losing the most important person in your life . . . it is also the loss of a lifestyle . . . the loss of status quo . . . from that moment on, everything in my life was different . . . everything. 

Through time, little things would come up, almost on a daily basis for a while and it seemed like the constant thing on my mind was "it's always something . . . when will the nightmare end?"

Phases . . . I've been through more than a few. Although the nightmare has not ended for me, I can handle things so much better now. I've walked through that fire and have lived to tell the tale. It is not a manic tale anymore . . . it is life and crap we have to go through that we don't like. We all have our crosses to bear at one time or another. Not one of us will go through this life without a hardship or heartbreak of one kind or another. When I start to feeling bad about my life, I look around and see struggles around me that are much more intense than mine . . . and I'm grateful for what I have been blessed with.

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