Love With No Place To Go

All that talk about positivity has gone out the window.  I find myself overthinking everything.  My happy, carefree attitude of taking one moment at a time has disappeared.  It is what grief is all about.  One must be ready for it to get through it quickly.  I'm trying!

The trick is to figure out how to pull yourself back to a comfortable place that is sometimes so difficult to find.  

Love with no place to go is rough and heartbreaking.

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Riding the Roller Coaster

 

I've been accepting the negative emotions today, facing them head on.  I'm not trying to ignore the bad feelings, I acknowledge them and ask myself why.  My responses go on a list so I can deal with them later.

It has been one of the best two weeks since The Captain went into the hospital last year.  What a good feeling it has been to experience  "normal" at times.  Very positive progress.  I'm also enjoying social media again.  Facebook has become my happy place.

The intense feelings of grief started creeping up on me this morning and little by little has taken over tonight.  An important trigger day is coming up tomorrow and another at the end of the month . . . both of my husbands were born in March.  So that means another night of no sleep associated with trigger times.

It is a roller coaster that doesn't want to stop, but I am looking for the off button and I hope to find it very soon.

One thing I do every day is count my blessings and thank God.  I'm grateful since my life is pretty good except for the grief roller coaster.  Blessings are what I focus on and I feel so lucky.  Maybe if I keep focusing on positivity, it won't be another night or a month of no sleep.

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Emotional Boundaries

 

Inspiration and intuition guides us in the direction we should move toward.

Our true feelings are reality and work hand in hand with intuition.  The tricky thing is setting emotional boundaries along with embracing those true feelings and intuition.

Being true to ourselves is essential and this realization is most important.  

No one is responsible for setting those emotional boundaries except yourself.

Intuition and gut feelings reflect our true reflection of reality.  It is what it is.  Having the strength to face reality is a double edged sword worn like a badge of honor.

Visualize a barrier of positive energy surrounding you and know that negativity will not cross this boundary unless you allow it to.

Inner strength is a gift we can give ourselves to maintain those emotional boundaries.

Detach yourself from negativity!

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Emotionally unsettled

My horoscope today from Daily Om . . . as usual, on target . . .


"You may feel emotionally unsettled today, which could cause you to struggle with feelings of frustration and instability. You may find it helpful to spend some time alone, working through your feelings and adopting a more balanced state of mind. Simply find a quiet place to be alone and get into a relaxed state. Release all worries and doubts, and focus on the calm serenity of your spiritual center. Once you feel calmer, you can begin to explore your emotions and determine what caused you to feel unbalanced today. You can then choose to embrace positive thoughts and keep the feelings of peace strong in your heart, which will result in more balance and stability with your emotions. 

We can lend a greater sense of balance and harmony to our lives by choosing to keep our thoughts positive and our emotions calm. Our emotions have the ability to affect our state of mind, which has an effect on every aspect of our lives. By choosing to consciously embrace more positive thoughts, we will feel empowered about working through any emotional upsets that may plague us. This helps us create a more balanced mind-set and an optimistic outlook, which will lend positive energy to our emotional state and create more harmony in every situation. We can then face any obstacles or upsets with a serene, stable focus and reduce the likelihood of becoming unbalanced again. By working through your emotions and embracing a harmonious state of mind today, you will automatically create more peace and stability in your life."

As I sat outside this morning, trying to find that quiet place and relaxed state of mind, it occurred to me that I have simply lost my patience.  

It has been almost a year since we were displaced from our home by Hurricane Irma and sometimes it is difficult to find even a glimmer of optimistic feelings.  One obstacle after another can wear the most positive person down.

I'm seriously homesick, just want to go home and put this awful phase of my life behind me.

The idea of patience being wisdom in waiting has totally escaped me and I need it back.  The advise of this morning's horoscope is awesome, but it really feels like a harmonious state of mind is an impossible dream at the moment.

My goal for today is to make an honest attempt to follow the advise and come up with the plan to do it.  I just had to put my feelings in writing today.

This too shall pass . . . I know it will.

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Getting the groove back

    Get serious with your life?  Really?

Seriously, I still don't have a complete grasp of what I want to do when I grow up.  The big picture is a lot more focused, however, there is so much in between getting there and here in the today.

Although I had joined the world of employment when The Captain moved in with me, then he joined that world and we eventually settled on retirement until we could figure out the rest.

A new relationship needs time to develop into a life of its own. The two people need to define, experience and constantly tweak as individuals need to change and grow.  We have been so fortunate and I am so grateful we have had this time to find ourselves individually and each other as a couple in our new reality after living and sharing another lifetime with other people.

Second chances in life are awesome!

Getting the groove back into a normal life and tweaking and perfecting the groove is a lifelong learning experience!  Don't you think?  Tweaking our lives keeps from having a boring life, which is a good thing!

One thing The Captain has taught me is serious positivity with no room for negativity.

Although I realized this many years ago, it has not been easy since I grew up in a fairly negative environment that was my normal.  It still is to a certain extent, but I am able to switch gears rather quickly to get back into that positive groove.  When I do, the whole world looks different in a good way thanks to my sweetie.

It has been a long journey, but I really think the time around the following post was my turning point.  The Captain was already in my life and I had to get  serious about getting my groove back!

This following post was originally posted

 on November 14, 2010:

After escaping to the outdoors and away from this computer, the blahs I was experiencing yesterday magically disappeared.  It is easy to forget to keep a positive balance in our lives when we are in the midst of things we get bogged down with.     

Life is somewhat of a never-ending "to do list" . . . you gotta walk away from it at times . . . escape in whatever way that works for you in order to keep the balance necessary for an awesome quality of life.

Reactions and responses need to be in the present rather than the past in order to positively respond to life circumstances . . . easier said than done . . . it is sometimes a difficult balance.

The key is understanding the reason behind the reactions, especially the negative ones. The thoughts that immediately inspire the reaction need to be positive in order to turn the tides and make unpleasant experiences tolerable and easier to cope with.

As long as I can remember, I have journaled daily about my emotions, happenings, reactions and outcomes . . . it was easy for me to go back and identify my natural impulses and reactions to problems. At times, the analysis of my emotions is a ponderous process, however necessary to leading a normal life after a life trauma.

The difficult part is changing those reactions by not identifying them with anything from a unique past experience . . . it is gone and must be released. Replace negative with positive thoughts . . . attitude adjustment.

A life of peace, love and happiness is all about maintaining a positive attitude through good times and bad experiences . . . they all eventually pass . . . better to experience the situation with a healthy state of mind.  A healthy state of mind knows when to escape and chill out a bit . . . what I call "getting your groove back".  

I'm working on it . . .

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Attitude and adjustments

Attitude is a complex mental state.

Definitely an understatement!

It can be a mix of feelings, beliefs and values
. . . a combination of infinite variables.

Sometimes attitude is a result of a simple feeling.

Attitude can make the difference between
a positive or negative result.

Attitude builds perception in someone else's
mind whether it is true or false.

"You cannot control what happens to you,

but you can control your attitude toward

what happens to you, and in that, you will

be mastering change rather than allowing

it to master you."

(Brian Tracy)

"Men are anxious to improve their circumstances,

but are unwilling to improve themselves; they

therefore remain bound."

(James Allen)

"When you can live with all your opposite qualities,

you will be living your total self."

(Deepak Chopra)

Attitude adjustments don't mean changing who you are . . .

it is changing how you choose to react to a situation.

Always be true to yourself!

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Rocky Relationships and Negativity

Although it is not a particularly funny subject, we can look back at the emotional battles of any type of relationship and see a certain amount of absurdity and drama that exists when tensions run high and have a good laugh after everyone has cooled off.  

Even the strongest of marriages and/or friendships teeter on the edge of a love/hate relationship at times.  The interaction of people are, in general, very complicated . . . it is human nature.  It is rare for two people to totally agree on everything without disagreements.  The secret is to learn how to deal with each other effectively before the disagreements become real hate and resentment to the point of splitting up.

According to Cherilynn Veland in an article for Psych Central, here are some of the most common reasons for compounded negativity in relationships:

One partner thinks that the way they feel and there way of doing things is the right way. This means they are not open to listening and behaving differently. In this situation, compromise is not a value of one of the members.

Disconnection from the other’s feelings; chaos, manipulation and egocentricity; and sometimes cruelty.

Festering emotional wounds that never get talked about; or when they are, the other person tries to argue away the other person’s emotions.

Unequal partnerships. One person feels like he or she is doing it all. In couples with children, this can understandably lead to MAJOR resentment and anger.

Stress. Big-time breaker of even really good couples. If you don’t manage stress, it will cause difficulties in functioning and difficulties in the relationship.

Big differences on big life issues like: parenting, finances, in-laws.

Debilitating and dysfunctional family of origin issues that emerge and reemerge unaddressed . Issues from one’s original family and attachment relationships can get projected onto the spouse or onto other family relationships, like the kids. This will cause conflict.

Having little respect or not showing respect for your partner.

Being with someone who is narcissistic and has little self-insight.

Now this list is not exhaustive and doesn’t include abusive behavior (including verbal abuse) either.

Believe it or not, she also states that feelings of "hate" are normal in some situations.  However, even the rockiest of relationships can grow as you develop better communication, gradually change behaviors through compromise and learn how to forgive. 

It helps if both parties have lots of love for each other and a strong desire to make it work.

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Emotional Boundaries

"Creating emotional boundaries increases our sense of safety and allows us to interact with others from a place of inner strength and calm. Our defensiveness usually results from feelings of powerlessness, fear, or intense vulnerability. 

Rather than striking out at perceived threats in an effort to defend ourselves, we can understand that our sense of safety and protection comes from within. As we learn to build up our confidence and inner strength, we develop the ability to detach from negativity and we no longer feel so vulnerable. We then benefit from a sense of safety and inner balance and the ability to handle any situation with a cool, calm, and contained attitude. 

By setting strong emotional boundaries today, you are affirming your ability to take care of yourself in any situation."

Source:  Daily OM

This concept of emotional boundaries peaked my curiosity.

While the concept makes sense, where are the boundaries formed?  It doesn't mention a vacation to get away from it all, or take a day to just stay in bed and not think about anything distressful.

Where is that place of inner strength and calm when we need that emotional boundaries?  The two words denote anything other than strength and calm.  I know these times take me to feelings of powerlessness and fear and the threat of vulnerability surrounds me.  

To say that it resides in the mind is totally unrealistic to me, although I know we can do anything we choose to do.  However, in those emotional times we are referring to, strength is the last thing I can grasp.

I can say from personal experience that being alone in a comfort zone can provide that safe environment. My retreat can be the sanctity of my back yard, which was soothing and beautiful, filled with the sounds of nature.  The squirrels playfully running up and down the trees, the birds singing their beautiful songs, the winds in the trees creating nature's wind chimes to soothe the soul.  The beach can be the perfect comfort zone as long as you can be alone, as a fishing pier can be that perfect place for a man.

The comfort zone can eventually take my mind to that place of solace where the boundary can exist, but I can assure you that, at least for me, it can not just appear in my mind.  I'm not that strong in those times and I have a feeling it is the same for most of us.

The unhealthy thing is to depend on alcohol or a magic pill to create the boundary for us.  My pill doctors would for sure have quite the opposite answer.  But in order to develop the inner strength that is depicted in the post, it must come naturally from within.

I'm sure that it is safe for me to say that everyone has these times.  I don't believe that anyone is perfectly emotionally balanced.  We all have our ways of coping and I believe it is through these "time outs" in our comfort zones that helps us reach that place where the emotional boundary can exist.

What do you think?

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Refuse to be a victim

If you realized how powerful your thoughts are,
you would never think a negative thought.

Peace Pilgrim

"We focus on the negatives, losing ourselves in the ‘problem.’
We point to our unhappy circumstances to rationalize
our negative feelings. This is the easy way out.
It takes, after all, very little effort to feel victimized."

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

We hold the power in our thoughts.

Nothing and no one can make us a victim.
We do it to ourselves when we allow external
circumstances to hold power over us.

Although we have no control over what happens to us,
we ALWAYS have a choice in how we respond.

We hold our power when we accept complete
responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and actions.

"A man may fall many times but he won't be a failure
until he says someone pushed him."

Elmer G. Letterman

"The most potent weapon in the hands
of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed."

Steven Biko

Those of us afflicted with any type of depression can relate to the pity party.

When I look back at some of my parties, they have included a friend or two going through a bad time.  Funny thing about having a pity party with someone else is how we tend to "one up" each other with the problems.  It is a mind game.

Of course I still have them, but my life is finally on the path to where I want to be, so they are less frequent and don't last as long as they once did.  

I continue to work on my reaction to circumstances, seeing them in a positive light rather than totally negative eyes.  It is all perspective and the thoughts are in our control.

My healing really started to kick in at the end of 2008, a couple of months before I met The Captain . . . the following post is from that time.

This post was originally published
on December 8, 2008

I'll admit to my times of wanting to give up and wallow in the depths of a pity party, wailing "woe is me . . . poor me . . . I am a victim" . . . my long time online friends and readers of my blogs have been witness to those pity party posts. Some I left in my blogs to show myself and others how idiotic that behavior is, to measure the progression of my adventurous journey into a "normal" life.

Many of those posts have been buried deep in my blogs, some remain on Yahoo 360, waiting to be brought back to life . . . and they will . . . the entire story needs to be told. I need to go back periodically and see the really bad times so I can appreciate the progress.

It is so easy to sit back and be a victim of life circumstances . . . the difficult part is healing from whatever got you there. In my case, "friends and loved ones" did not agree with my methods and shunned me for being "strange" because I needed to be left alone at certain times, but abandoned me when I needed them. Isn't love, compassion and friendship about understanding a fellow human being's needs when they are hurting?

As a result of compounded emotions, the feeling of betrayal in the midst of dealing with the grief of death, I'm fearful of being myself with anyone who wants to get close to me . . . they will also think that I am "strange" for living this hermit lifestyle that has suited me fine as I healed from a myriad of emotions. It has all been along the path on my life's journey . . . bridges that needed to be crossed, even if they had to be burned once I was on the other side. I continue to have trust issues . . . and the positive aspect is that I have learned to deal with problems on my own.

Although I did not always deal with obstacles as well as I should have, I continued to pick myself up and attempt to move forward in my own way. It is the only way I know . . . one step at a time . . . one moment at a time . . . whatever it takes to get through it maintaining sanity.

All in all, I refuse to be a victim . . . I've never been a loser and will die trying to get myself back to the path of being a normal person again . . . even if I am alone for the rest of my life, I have embraced my solitude which has made me a stronger person. When and if I find that person who will become my significant other . . . that relationship will enhance the contentment in my life.

A couple of months after writing that post in 2008,

the course of the rest of my life changed when

The Captain came into my life.

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Anxiety and life phases

~ I'm Fine | Heart ~


It has occurred to me today that life is just a cycle of phases, some good, some bad, all contributing to the person we are today.  Of course each time we tend to feel as though we are losing it, like in my featured song by Heart.

Since we are entering Week #4 of no running water, I needed to read old posts and remind myself of where I have been and the anxiety associated with it. I always tell myself "this too shall pass" . . . and it does!

Anxiety comes in different phases, usually dependent on what the current life circumstances are.

I have selected two phases of my life to write about.

The first post found me entering an exciting new chapter in my life after successfully completing training for the job I knew was made for me.  I remember being so happy, although the disappointment of the job as it really was and the attitude of "corporate America" toward its employees ultimately took me through another time of anxiety and the feeling of failure.

The positive aspects of this experience was the feeling of accomplishment for finally getting out of the house, going after that job I wanted so badly and successfully completing some emotionally draining training.  Even though the job didn't work out, no one would have ever suspected I had previously been so apprehensive about leaving my comfort zone and shutting myself out of society for so many years.

Today I am so very grateful that I don't have to face "corporate America" again . . . I can say with certainty that those days are over. 

Notice a theme here?

The last post found me at a time of high anxiety as I had quit smoking and thought I had a grip on it . . . at the same time I decided I no longer needed my anxiety medication and was weaning myself off.  Big mistake!  The attempt of quitting smoking is a high anxiety endeavor anyway . . . not a time to get off of anxiety medication.  My doctor was very angry with me and convinced me to start taking them again.

The lesson I learned is taking medication for a legitimate problem is nothing to be ashamed of.  The shame is to not do anything about a problem that exists.

Many of us are afflicted with high anxiety for whatever reason.  Don't be afraid of medication . . . it is necessary when problems arise so you can deal with them with a clear head and attitude.  Mine has never gone away, I can just deal with it more effectively now.  Life challenges happen and you must be prepared for them.


This post was originally published on March 8, 2008

A new chapter in my life has begun. A time that I thought would never come, although I just took one day at a time and tried to deal with each one as best as I could. Every time I take out my certification for successfully completing training for a job that I set in my mind over two years ago, I am so grateful for the strength that God gave me to make it through those bad times and gave me enough faith in myself to go for it and make it through the training that I almost walked out of several times.

Positive attitude and faith in ourselves and our creator goes a long way and through times we think we can't get through. We can go through life in a bad mood and an awful attitude, resulting in a miserable existence. I've been through all the phases.

It was especially rough when I made the decision that I needed to quit smoking if I was going to join the real world and get a real job since the realization hit me that selling "whatever" on eBay was no longer going to provide the comfortable life that I had grown accustomed to. In retrospect I think it was divine intervention to finally get me out of my house. God works in mysterious ways to teach us lessons and make us stronger.

As I get ready for the new chapter of my life with a new career and the contentment, peace of mind and security I was searching for, I started my one day off with my first cup of coffee reading some of my old posts so I can truly savor this moment and appreciate the emotions of accomplishment.

The following post was written as I was well into my endeavor of quitting smoking . . . the "no smoking weight gain" was starting to creep up on me . . . it was just a bad time that gives me so much appreciation for the changes I have made in my life.

There was always hope for me even though I didn't always think so . . . there is also hope for anyone going through a bad time, no matter what the circumstance . . . with faith and a positive attitude.

This post was originally published on December 11, 2006

Not asking for much . . . not even happiness at the moment since that seems like an impossible dream, just CONTENTMENT and peace of mind would be great.

The past couple of days have been awful . . . I am convinced it is withdrawals from quitting smoking and/or getting off my medication. Feelings of restlessness and anxiety have consumed me and just about everything is making me irritable. The cravings to smoke a cigarette are virtually gone, although they do hit me when I least expect it, but pass quickly.

I had done some research on withdrawal from my medication and the good news is that my withdrawal symptoms are not as bad as I expected them to be based on my research. I always took way less than prescribed because I hate being dependent on anything and was so scared of becoming addicted to them. Today I am thankful that my withdrawal symptoms are not as bad as they could be even though I am ready to climb the walls from this anxiety.

My state of anxiety is all about my life's general frustrations and irritations.

I'm still dealing with no hot water and having to boil water for everything. The repair people will finally be here tomorrow and hopefully it will be fixed.

The one thing that is really irritating me is the weight that I have gained as a result of not smoking anymore. I am not doing anything different, although I am hungry all the time. The weight gain came fast and has really made me sad since I have worked so hard to take it off. Now I have to work doubly hard to get that under control. I just spent 1/2 hour on the exercise bike to get rid of anxiety and hopefully keep the weight gain from continuing. 

This is the story of my life . . . something positive always brings the negative to bring me down. I can't win!

I'm off to experience the one thing that always makes me happy and content . . . my first cup of coffee for the day. I'll also have to check out my music collection and find some happy music. Those two things will instantly put me in a better state of mind.

This is going to be an awesome week in spite of all of this . . . I'm determined!

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Nasty habits and motivation

"Be miserable.

Or motivate yourself.

Whatever has to be done, 

it's always your choice."

Wayne Dyer

OK, fess up . . . I guess we all do it at times . . .

it is ok to want to feel miserable and throw a pity party.

I do it without realizing that I'm doing it.

It is all about changing your thinking and the way surrounding circumstances are perceived.  I'm learning that negative thinking isn't going to make my life much better or happier.  Quite the contrary.

One of my realizations is that negative thinking is a nasty habit.

Nasty habits are so hard for me to break, however, I believe that over time they can be defeated through awareness.

Choosing to motivate happiness should be the goal rather than expecting misery through negative thinking and dwelling on what is not right.  Circumstances are what they are and can't be changed . . . defeat the vicious cycle of negative thinking and make the best of the situation. 

You reap what you sow!

There was a time when I wrote notes to myself and placed them where I could see them in the midst of my daily routine on the refrigerator door, the bathroom mirror and/or my computer monitor . . . the little reminders heighten awareness to break those nasty little habits, leading thoughts in the right direction, whatever they are.

While it is healthy to look back on past experiences, it is not healthy to dwell on them or overthink them to the point of the downward spiral that can get out of control.  Thinking positively about the here and now and living for the moment is a much better practice . . . it is not living through rose-colored glasses . . . rather, it is expecting positive outcomes and breaking the vicious cycle of negative thinking while being realistic.

Peace, love and happiness . . . 

choose to be happy :) 

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