Dealing with a toxic relationship?

"If you grew up with a toxic parent, a toxic sibling or other close family member, you are likely more vulnerable to toxic relationships as an adult."

According to an article in Psychology Today, there are ways of dealing with a toxic person.


First of all, how do you know you are in a toxic relationship?  

Here are some signs:

• When you see the person, you come away feeling down on yourself
• You are plagued by guilt in the relationship
• The other person is focused mostly on getting his/her own needs met
• You often feel manipulated or controlled, one-down, or shamed
• The other person repeatedly hurts you, and then expects you to act as if nothing happened

Recipients of the toxicity often don't see themselves as being in a toxic relationship.  As they take the behavior of the toxic person, all they want to do is make it better.  Some may think they deserve it and blame themselves for what is wrong in the relationship.  Perhaps too much compassion for the other person?  That just results in making excuses for what is wrong.  


You can do something about it . . .

Read the article to get the detailed explanations of strategies that may help you:

1. Never let them pull you down to their level. Fighting back at their level will not work and you will end up feeling guilty.
2. Stop caring so much. Protect yourself!
3. Become more self-focused. It’s very likely that caring too little about yourself made you vulnerable to your person in the first place.  Begin to think more about how you feel and what you need.  
4. Stop falling for games and manipulations and stop participating. Take your power back.
5. Be cordial. Being cordial gives you the upper hand in a healthy, non-toxic way.
6. Hold him/her responsible for their actions. Be sure to do this in your own mind, at least.
7. Distancing and set your boundaries.  Emotionally or physically, or preferably both.
8. Live well.  If the toxic person is someone who will always be in your life, then your goal is to thrive in spite of the toxins. Make good choices and protect yourself!
   

Don't ever forget that you deserve to be treated fairly, respectfully and honestly at all times, by all people . . . anything less is unacceptable!

read more

Fear and Emotional Honesty

It is sad to live in a world where honesty is feared.  People are nosy by nature and always want to know "why" for so many things.  The tendency to pry into the life of one who is not so easy to get close to is a sure way to make them run away and never come back.

What does that have to do with emotional honesty?

"Being honest in a relationship means you tell the truth. 

If you are lying, that puts a barrier between you and the other person. 

Maybe ask yourself the reason you are lying. 

Are you hiding who you truly are? 

Are you hiding because of your own judgments or is it really likely that the other person will reject or criticize you if they know the truth? 

If you are lying, then the relationship loses intimacy and safety.

Being honest doesn’t mean the same as passing judgement or making assumptions or giving an unsolicited opinion. Being honest is not saying something hurtful because you are hurt. Being honest means you express your emotions accurately and in a loving way. You stay on the same side. You don’t blame, name-call, or use the relationship to control what the other person does. Emotional honesty, factual honesty and respect support and nurture loving connections."

Source

The above is an excerpt from an article published by Psych Central, "Four Characteristics of Soul-Fulfilling Relationships" written by Karyn Hall, PhD.

Even a "little white lie" can chip away at trust in a relationship.  A lie is a lie is a lie . . . a betrayal, no matter how small or large.

When someone lies to me, the first question that usually comes to mind is "why did they tell the lie to begin with."  It continues from there . . . "How many times have they lied . . ."  I could go on and on.

Half truths are much like lies.  My intuition always tells me when something important is being swept under the rug.  Those things that are under that rug can start a roller coaster ride that sometimes goes out of control.  Trust flies out the window . . . and it also depends on the type of relationship you have with this person.

On the flip side . . . I started this post about fear of honesty.  It has been my experience that people in general are very insensitive and love to judge others. Maybe it makes them feel better about themselves.

Call it paranoia, but in the past I have been so judged about my varying phobias and how I deal with them that I have gotten to where I don't want any new friends and having to "explain" why I can't do this or that.  It isn't worth it anymore.

I recently arranged to meet up with a childhood friend at a restaurant close to home and my "comfort zone."  We lost contact with each other after high school.  Actually, I was feeling pretty positive about seeing her again.  Then I got the message that her husband wanted to meet half way.  That place would have taken me way past my comfort zone and I just didn't want to explain why I could not comply with the request that, under normal circumstances would be considered reasonable.  

So, I cancelled and deactivated my Facebook account so I would not be asked to explain with all the dreaded questions about "why" . . . which leads to judging and even more questions that make me so uncomfortable.  Yes, I know she now thinks I am nuts, but probably would not have understood my issues anyway.  So I ran away from it.

In this case, honesty would have taken me to an all familiar uncomfortable place from my recent past that I don't want to be at again.  I'd rather not have new friends.

Most people don't "get" phobias and I'm tired of explaining them.  Just when I think I am managing better and take steps to move on, a situation arises to make me take many steps back.

It all makes me sad . . .

read more

How to Build a Strong Marriage

The following is an excerpt of an excellent article from a faith-based website I have recently discovered, Faith's Messenger.  Respect for another person goes a long way in any relationship, whether it is marriage or friendship.

"We all have wings, but some of us don't know why."

Lyrics from Tear Us Apart|INXS

"There are many different things that can be done within a marriage to avoid the appearance of evil. Respecting your spouse and respecting your marriage are full time jobs. The key to finding out which rules to incorporate into your marriage is communicating with one another.

Be sensitive to the needs of your spouse. We all have our insecurities when it comes to ourselves and to our relationships. Our responsibility is to love God and to love the son/daughter He gave us unconditionally. A great part of this unconditional love is making the other party feel loved, wanted, and respected.

Don’t make the necessary changes and adjustments in your marriage because you agree with them. Don’t make the adjustments because you understand why your spouse is requesting them. Make adjustments in your marriage for one reason only. Make them because you love your spouse and are willing to do what it takes to make them feel secure in your marriage.

Just the willingness on your part the make your spouse feel secure will go a long way toward showing that you respect your spouse and you respect your marriage." 

Source:  Faith's Messenger 

read more

Works of peace and love

Every act of love is a work of peace 
no matter how small.

Blessed Mother Teresa

In a recent blog post, I wrote about little things that are so important.  Since writing that post I have thought a lot about those little things.

The feeling of peace and contentment can be an act of love that is as simple as making your sweetie something to drink or surprise them with a snack when they least expect it.  For me, that awesome feeling of peace comes with the resulting smile and sparkly eyes that don't even need words.

Understanding is a necessary act of love which leads to a peaceful and happy relationship.  It takes time to break old habits that can be very irritating to another in a new relationship, but once conquered, the resulting peace is worth it.  I'm still learning!

Mutual respect should be on the list of high priorities . . . it works hand in hand with understanding.  Broken respect can turn an otherwise peaceful and loving relationship into a battleground.  Dagger beams replace acts of love . . . not a good thing!

As normal human beings, we learn how to push the buttons of another person.  Why not push the buttons that result in peace and love?

read more

The foundation of a great relationship

Love is not enough.

It must be the foundation.

The beginning and the end.

Everything or nothing.

And nothing without truth.

Author unknown

I want to take a part of the storyline from one of my favorite movies, "The Wedding Singer" to illustrate what I want to talk about . . . Trust, loyalty, respect in a relationship. Although I am speaking romantically, it also pertains to all types of relationships in life.

It is how we should treat any other fellow human being, no matter how much money they have, where they are born, what color their skin is, or what they do for a living.

RESPECT

A quick synopsis of the movie

The time is the mid 80’s . . . Robbie Hart is a wannabe rock-star, but in reality, he is New Jersey’s favorite wedding singer . . . the life of the party, that is, until his own fiancée leaves him at the altar. 
Heartbroken and dejected, Robbie can’t help but make every wedding he plays a disaster. Along comes Julia, a waitress who wins his affection. Problem . . . Julia is about to be married to a Wall Street shark. Robbie must pull off the performance of his life or the girl of his dreams will marry the shark who is all wrong for her.

Julia’s fiance was a cool guy with the good job, has money, dresses nice, drives an awesome car, he’s drop dead gorgeous and . . . oh yeah, he is already cheating on Julia before they are even married just because he can.

She feels it, she knows it . . . she’s not madly in love with him . . . so really, what difference does it make? He’ll give her a comfortable life.

But wait!

Isn’t that what is wrong with this world? We settle for what is going to be tolerable and comfortable, but not what is going to make us deliriously happy to want to jump out of bed everyday to a beautiful new day because we are so in love and so happy with our life?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH WAITING FOR THAT?

Why is does it seem that everything
is all about the money?

But I digress . . . I wanted to talk about honesty in a relationship. Why can’t people be honest anymore? Why is there always a hidden agenda of some kind? Don’t people want to simply be happy anymore? Is happiness, respect and decency coming second to whatever else is more important?

I don’t understand . . .
what could be more important than that?

And what about living a lie? Don’t people have a conscience that they can tell a lie so easily and be so dishonest? Don’t they have a problem looking at themselves in the mirror and looking at someone who is actually betraying themselves by telling lies? 

We answer to God and he knows . . .

Maybe that is why JR and I had such a great marriage.  We were totally honest with each other . . . sometimes I wondered if it was such a good idea to be so honest, but in the long run, it was the good thing to do. We had total respect for each other as individuals, as two human beings living sharing our time together on earth in peace and harmony, respecting each other and doing the best we could to make the other happy.

The Captain and I have both brought emotional baggage to our new marriage.  However, past lessons can make our present lives so much happier.   Working through all the little things that two people encounter with total honesty when they first come together is so very important in building the foundation for an awesome relationship.

The good thing about second marriages . . . you know what NOT to do.  

read more

The Door to Satisfaction

"All the peace and happiness of the whole globe,

the peace and happiness of societies,

the peace and happiness of family,

the peace and happiness in the individual persons' life,

and the peace and happiness of even the animals and so forth,

all depends on having loving kindness toward each other.

When you cherish others, all your wishes are fulfilled

Living your life for others, cherishing them with loving kindness

and compassion is the door to happiness, the door to enlightenment."

~ Lama Zopa Rinpoche ~

The Door to Satisfaction

"The springs of life are all from within."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~

One of the keys to happiness and peace is mutual respect. 

Everyone has their belief system which personally belongs to them, just as yours belongs to you.  Mutual respect commands compassion for others, their feelings and the understanding associated with tolerance of beliefs that are not our own.  The world is full of people with varying opinions whether it be religion, politics or how to deal with life in general.

The door to enlightenment leads to peace within through tolerance and understanding . . . along with the practice of mutual respect.

 Peace in the world is elusive as a butterfly . . . I doubt that I will see peace in the world in my lifetime and is beyond any one person's control.

Peace in your soul comes from within and in your power.

read more

Love and appreciation

We don’t know what we’ve got

Until we lose it

But it’s also true

That we don’t know what we’ve

been missing until it arrives

Don’t let a day go by without
telling that special person in your life
you love them with all your heart
because they could be suddenly gone

I’m a widow who speaks from experience
and so glad that I did and it made a difference
We treated each other as if it was our last day
Never parting without a hug, a smile and
three little words . . . I love you

Life is fragile
We are here one day
Could be gone the next
I have no regrets

Losing someone is one end of the spectrum
At the other end is searching and finding love again
Treating it with great appreciation and respect

I know what has been missing in my life
Someone special and unconditional love
I anxiously await his arrival
As I hear his heart beat

I Love You
Donna Summer
Lyrics

Well he searched and searched for nights and days

till he found the one he loved

and he wrapped her in his arms again

and then he thanked the stars above

that he found what he’d been looking for

and he stared her in the eyes

He said “I love you”

he said “I love you”

love you, love you

She stared him right back in the eyes

with a look of disbelief

then she gazed off into somewhere else

was it real or just a dream?

and she pulled him, oh so close to her

and she whispered in his ear

She said “I love you”

she said “I love you too”

love you, love you, love you

So together they will always be

until the stars fall from the sky

They said “I love you”

yes, I really do

they said “I love you”

yes, I do

I do, I do, I do, I do

So together they will always be

until the stars fall from the sky

so if you find someone you love a lot

you must never let them go

you just hold them tight with all your might

and you say three little words

You say “I love you”

read more

Keep love alive

Consider these words from the song “Love Alive” by Heart . . . “You need a whole lot more than money, You need more than to survive, You need to keep your love, Keep your love alive”.

I’m not talking about keeping tainted love alive . . . good riddance to a love that is not meant to be . . . that is sometimes what the word toxic is made of.

Real love . . . true love is what I am talking about. Even real love needs to be nourished and kept alive in order to thrive and ensure continued happiness. It works two ways . . . one partner giving 100% usually does not work.

Two simple words explain what is primarily necessary . . . mutual respect.

If you have true love, cherish it, nourish it, keep it alive . . . contrary to what the lyrics of the song says, you can survive without love, but surviving this life with love sure does enhance the quality of life. Doesn’t it?

Sometimes you don’t realize it until you don’t have it . . .

read more