I Often Wonder

 

In my life, my purpose has changed numerous times.  What I have identified with has progressed from one thing to another.  What has been important has also changed.

So here I am, at a crossroads in my life, wondering what my purpose is.  When The Captain passed away, I immediately went from being part of a married couple to being a single woman.  When Kiki passed away, I was no longer a dog mom.  Both gave me love and varying purpose.

My only definite purpose in life has been to be happy and content.  I don't remember having a time that I could honestly say I achieved that happiness and contentment.  As a child, I developed my illogical fear of so many things.  Fear was the major emotion I learned from my adopted father who hated me for reasons I don't want to get into and still don't understand.  My godfather, who was a very sarcastic man, nicknamed me "Smiley" because I never smiled.

And so the unhappiness developed and never really went away.  No matter what life phase I was going through, those emotions were hiding underneath the surface of my being.   It continued through recent times, mostly with grief that started as a young adult and never went away, along with unhappiness.  Ultimately depression.  Yes, I have been to a therapist.

Back to the crossroads of my life, I do know what I want more than anything is to be happy, joyous and content.  As a retired person who worked so hard all my life, maybe my purpose should be to relax, love myself and just be the person I want to be and do what I want to do when I want to do it.  Make myself happy.  

As my recent grief for my little family, The Captain and Kiki, goes through the various phases, I have finally reached acceptance.  I could not be anything else but the person trying to figure out how to live my life without them in it.  As I reached that acceptance phase, I have wondered about the rest of my life and what would make me happy.  

The answer is happiness and contentment . . . peace, love and happiness.  Actually, it is what my blog started out as, an exploration of those three words with their differing meanings and finding that place in my life that is filled with peace, love and happiness all at one time.  The grief surrounding the death of my first husband intensified my unhappiness and depression which led me to writing about my emotions and those three little words.  Then I went from hope of happiness with The Captain to intense grief . . . again.

Little by little, I am realizing my freedom to be who I want to be and that thought has made me happy.  I have not worried about the many physical problems with my house and concentrated on getting through the grief.  The concentration slowly progressed to searching for true joy.  And I have been finding it just being myself, happy with myself without the hate and guilt that consumed me.  I directed it toward myself and I am so happy to know that phase of my life is over.

I have nothing to be guilty about, no reason to hate myself, no reason to not be happy.  The self-hate I felt derived from my father's hate for me and I FINALLY realize it was not my fault.  It was simply emotional abuse from a very sick man.

All of the negativity in my life is in the past.  I have put it all in an imaginary box and placed on a shelf that I can't reach and never want to.  

Peace and happiness is creeping in and that is making me content.  For the first time in my life, I know what my purpose is.

If you are having similar emotions you are holding inside, write about it, blog about it personally or publicly.  The result is a slow purging of why.  You have to understand yourself before you can heal.

My belief is everything in life happens for a reason.  I had to go through all that to get to where I am today and I hope I can help others.

I am grateful for God's love, guidance and direction.

 

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Relationship Red Flags

We all have our "frying pan moments" . . . some more than others.  No two people get along so perfectly as to never have them.

In my opinion, a great open and honest discussion over issues we don't agree on is healthy.  After all, how else would you really know how that person you are sharing your life with is feeling about issues important to you?  

When the great discussion turns into a full blown frying pan moment, a lack of communication can make the difference and result in not so pleasant consequences, the silent treatment or a routine happy day.  

That brings me to the purpose of this post, which was inspired by an article in Psychology Today on the topic of relationship red flags.  The following list is from that article with some excerpts.

1. Lack of communication . . . be open and honest!
2. Irresponsible, immature, and unpredictable. Some people have trouble mastering basic life skills and may still be working on growing up. In other words, it may be hard to rely on them for almost anything.
3. Lack of trust. 
4. Significant family and friends don’t like your partner. 
5. Controlling behavior. 
6. Feeling insecure in the relationship. You may often feel that you don’t know where you stand in a relationship.  Follow your gut instinct with this one!  A good relationship should not make you have these feelings.
7. A dark or secretive past.
8. Non-resolution of past relationships. 
9. The relationship is built on the need to feel needed. If this dynamic is the focal point of a relationship, however, there may be little room for real growth, individually or as a couple.
10. Abusive behavior. Verbal, emotional, psychological, and certainly physical—is not just a red flag but a huge banner telling you to get out immediately and never look back.

A red flag is a good intuitive image to help you process what you’re really feeling. At the end of a difficult relationship, people often say, “He (or she) told me who he (or she) was at the very beginning, but I just didn’t listen.”

Learn to trust what you feel. Your hunch is probably right.

Click here to read the complete article.

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Too Bad

My friend Marie on Facebook posted the above graphic that was taken different ways by different people. We all have our perspective on abuse. The topic continued to be on my mind since I have lived it in the past and have so much to say about it.

One thing for sure is that females are not the only victims, although that is usually the general perspective. There are some vicious and sick females out there who feel the need to hurt others in different ways.

Abuse is not confined to physical abuse . . . it goes much deeper than that!

It is human nature for some personality types who have the need to hurt others to make themselves feel better.  

In the case of an abusive lover, it is the wearing down of another's emotions to the point of the abused person just wanting to run and never go back.  That is, if they are lucky and come to their senses.  Too bad for the bully since they will more likely than not say that they will change . . . they never do.

Many don't get out of the situation with tragic consequences.  Others go on to take the abuse from the bully out of love or perhaps fear, because the hope that the person will change is always there and they more than likely proceed to a life of unhappiness, depression and crying instead of enjoying a happy life with lots of laughter that we all deserve.

Emotional abuse hurts as bad as being struck physically, over and over again. My dad was an abusive dad. He never hit me, but his emotional abuse left me with the scars that are still with me today.  A child knows what it learns from the people they trust the most because they don't know any better.  

Some of us are caught in the crossfire of falling in love with one of these types or having been born into a family with no escape from that type of person. You just learn how to adapt and eventually come out of it feeling this behavior is normal.

Since it was my unfortunate perception this was normal behavior, my first serious relationship was extremely abusive and I am so grateful and blessed to have gotten out of that relationship.  I hate to even think about that time in my life.

The abuser is the lowest form of a human, in my opinion.

To this day, if someone raises their voice to me, I will cry.  It is instinctive. Although in my personal relationships, it sometimes proves to be a problem, and it is very difficult to get past the moment.  The psychological problems, although apparent, are difficult to deal with.

While some people who go through this type of abuse will come out of it rough and tough, ready to fight anyone who is perceived to hurt them, others retreat and just want to turn the other cheek and forget about it.

It affected me a different way.  After being humiliated, degraded, cursed and made to feel like an idiot who could not ever do anything right, I strived to become the best at anything I ever attempted to do, having to excel at everything.  I was fiercely competitive growing up.  Succeeding in school and in the workplace gave me my self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence that could have been stripped from me had my spirit been completely broken.

Relationships are different.  Any similarity to my dad's behavior freaks me out, making it very difficult for me to develop trust in a relationship.

Know the signs as you enter a new relationship . . . run like a bat out of hell if you see the signs of a bully that will suck the life out of you.

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