Roller coaster of emotions

 

My life has been like a roller coaster for as far back as when my Nana passed away when I was a young adult.  It seems like I am always in the "learning how to live again without you" stage.

The hardest one is dealing with the decision to put Kiki to sleep.  The devastating emotional decision came too soon after The Captain passed away and I became a true hermit.  

Kiki was all the emotional support I needed and took comfort in her sweetness like when she'd put her paw on me, letting me know that she was here for me, or the look in her eyes that could talk to me without words.  I depended on that love and comfort too much and loved her as much as I would have loved my own child that I never had.  Signing that paper was the worse thing I have ever had to do in my whole life.

I know that I did a good thing for her since the vet told me she was so sick and loved her enough to not want her to go through pain.  But making the decision to let her go is still haunting me, some days worse than others.  At least I am experiencing decent days and am so grateful for finally having those days.

Now I am learning how to live alone while learning to live without those loved ones who are no longer with me.  It is definitely a roller coaster of emotions.  Interacting with others has become difficult for me since, at this time of my life, I have nothing to say to anyone.  Look at my blog since The Captain passed away.  I miss him terribly, the emotions are raw and I find it difficult to even want to speak to anyone at this time.  

Once again, I am on medication for my anxiety after trying to live without it.  Now I am trying a different one that works better.

My mom was recently back in town and I actually drove a short distance.  It was not a complete success, although I did get out and even went to a restaurant twice.  So I have made some progress even though there were some failures involved that have affected me negatively.

It is all good . . . progress is progress!

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Hopes, peace and contentment

That little voice in my head has been speaking to me and through feeling grateful again, I have regained hope for the future.  It isn't hope for anything in particular, just peace and contentment.  

In my younger days, when I aspired to one thing or another, I didn't have time to be grateful or feel contentment.  It was the "thing" that was all important.

As time goes on and life throws challenges at me, peace and contentment is what is all important.  It is less complicated and leads to a happier life.  

The book "Simple Abundance" changed my life so many decades ago when I started reevaluating what was important in my life.  The change to a simpler life that made me so grateful for the nature and beauty in my back yard.  My yard was beautiful with so much color and alive with the birds and squirrels that I fed.  But after JR died, working in the yard was no longer satisfying.  Nothing was.  Grief does that to me.

The biggest lesson in my life has been dealing with grief and death.  I've been through so many phases in my life that has made peace and contentment the most important. Knowing that no matter what, everything will be ok is the best feeling in the world at this point in my life.

I've wiped the dust off of my book "Simple Abundance" and hope to find more peace and contentment.  It is about time that I remember hope is a good thing.

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Love Stays

 

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I was never ready for you to leave

 

My normal grief feels like all of the above at the same time.

It happened so fast.

On that morning, I woke up and was startled to see the far away look in his eyes.  It seemed to me so strange that he was normal the night before, although I felt something was off for a few days.  One of my first thoughts was "I'm not ready for him to leave me."  He was already gone, but it was months before he passed away.  

Since that day, unbearable sadness has consumed me to the point of paralysis, not being able to do a thing at times.  Being alone is what I have craved and I can sometimes only make it from one minute to the next without breaking out in uncontrollable tears.  I thought I would never get through the phase of acceptance since I was not ready to lose him to begin with.  Even though he was not healthy, I never thought he would die so young.

I had already experienced the tremendous grief from losing my first husband and I knew what agony I was about to face again.

Are we ever ready to lose someone we love?

My grief has thankfully entered a new phase and I am happy to say that I am actually experiencing "normal" days.  It has taken me almost a year to accept that he had to leave, God was calling him.  But I now find myself moving past acceptance and through all the other phases that change from one day to the next.  But at least some days are good.  I know as time moves on the good days will appear with regularity.  It just takes time and lots of prayer.

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The Lunacy of Grief Stages

 

The changes can be horrific from one day to the next, leaving the feeling of being on a roller coaster.  They can also make you feel like you are actually losing your mind while knowing you are sane.

What really makes me feel crazy is the shift from surviving the grief to overwhelming sadness that rips you apart.  Nobody said it is an easy process.  The process itself can go back and forth, repeating itself over and over again.  It ends up breaking my heart over and over again.

For me it is still so fresh, only 8 months of the torture and a couple more months if you count the hospital time.  But I believe the greatest progress is making it through the first phase of acceptance.  You don't have to like it, but the loss must be accepted in order to get past it and start healing.  I've finally reached acceptance and feel the process of healing, no matter how much it fluctuates.

Regardless of the phase, the reality is memories are all that is left.  And I cherish them.

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Solitude and Being A Hermit

 

I choose to be what so many people describe as being a "hermit."  For now, it is what is a comfortable lifestyle for me as I contemplate the rest of my life . . . again. 

It is important for me and necessary for my healing to write honestly about these past months without going into major details.  I also hope it will help just one person out there going through something.  That is what my blog is about. 

My heart has been broken.  I am grieving the loss of another husband and I've been judged by people who can neither understand nor validate my deepest thoughts, feelings, and concerns during one of the worse times of my life.  My body and soul has been numb and lost.

Lacking compassion for my feelings, they could not be gentle enough when I finally developed trust and honestly open up about everything, breaking something in me over and over again.  

My heart is tired and craves my alone time, the solitude that is my comfort zone from those who deem themselves "normal" and feel so compelled to judge me unfairly, not even trying to understand where I am in life and where I have come from emotionally, what I have been through.  I'm left with the uncomfortable feeling of being accused of having a "victim mentality" when they have no idea of who I am.  

All this has been life changing.

Yes, I now love my solitude and being a hermit.  There are a few people I allow myself to be close with.  These months have given me the time to contemplate what The Captain went through, where I have been and where I am going for the rest of my life.   I'm slowly healing, I can talk about it now and am confronting everything head on, getting stronger every day.  One day at a time, one second at a time.

Believe it or not, the solitude is beginning to make it possible to heal without the judging opinions of insensitive people.  The toxicity is no longer a part of my life, they are not a part of my life, and that makes me happy.  

It will affect the way I perceive those I think about letting into my life in the future.  This is the world we live in.  Insensitivity is no longer a rare thing.

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Coping with death and grief amid a senseless tragedy

"Each of us is more than capable of helping the world, despite our fears and limitations and the uncertainty that holds us back. It is commonly accepted that it is impossible to make a difference without unlimited funding or free time, yet most healing, cleansing, and spreading of joy is accomplished in a matter of minutes." 

Source

Almost a week has passed since the terrorist attack on the nightclub in Orlando.  It has taken me all this time to make an attempt to write about how I am feeling aside from the politics of it all.

Being the compassionate person that I am, it has hit me to the pit of my soul with tremendous grief that I can't explain.  I don't know any of those affected by one man's anger and rage, but I can stand in their shoes in my thoughts and prayers for them.  News reports that featured the loved ones and victims brought me to tears that didn't go away after the report.  It was the same for me after 9/11.  

Senseless tragedy . . . these young people were here one moment enjoying a night out on the town, the next moment groveling on the blood filled floor next to dead bodies fighting to survive or huddled in a bathroom with countless others also fearing their impending death.  And then there are the victims who were left on the floor for days in a pool of blood.  The visions are haunting me.

One survivor's story really hit me hard for some reason.  His legs were shot and he could not walk.  When police came in to rescue those who had survived, he had to be drugged on the floor through dead bodies, glass and blood to get him outside in order to be transported to the hospital.  You could see the pain in his eyes as he told his story.  A nightmare none of them will soon forget.  I know I will not soon forget.

In addition to feeling the pain of these people, those who had to wait way too long to learn of their loved one's fate . . . days of agony . . . the survivors who feel guilty for living after witnessing hell on earth (I could go on and on) . . . I am feeling extreme helplessness and a sinking feeling for our world society.

Those of us who have experienced the sudden death of a loved one, the shock of a nightmare that will live with us forever and the acceptance of "life as it is now" can somehow relate to the pain of losing those young people whose potential in this world had not yet been found.  Their lives had just begun.  Senseless tragedy and the long road of surviving grief that has just begun.

It made me sick to my stomach as our president visited those same people going through so much pain and grief who had to endure the rants of a politician playing politics.  Not the time and place!  He should be ashamed of himself . . . but it is exactly what I thought he would do.  Adding insult to injury . . . isn't that special?

All this talk of the realization of the world we live in has made me extra apprehensive about leaving the house and the return of agonizing anxiety.  I have been fighting this problem for years and in many ways have proven that I can conquer it, only to remind me of one of the reasons I am fearful to leave my comfort zone. All I know is that in the midst of weaning myself off of anti-depressant and anxiety medication, I'm confused on how to proceed with my struggle to become normal again.

I feel better after letting my feelings out into words . . . writing has always been my best therapy.  I hope you do the same if you are experiencing the same feelings.  Let it out . . . start a private blog if don't want the world to know how you feel.  I hope by making my feelings known, it helps even one person going through the same anxiety and . . . I wonder how many people out there are feeling the same.  

Amid the hopeless feelings for this precious world and those affected by the tragedy, all I can do is pray and have faith we can all learn to cope with our ever changing world.

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Grief: How We Survive

I could have written this poem . . . 

it perfectly describes how we survive grief.

Mark Rickerby wrote this poem following the death of his brother:

If we are fortunate,

we are given a warning.

If not,

there is only the sudden horror,

the wrench of being torn apart;

of being reminded

that nothing is permanent,

not even the ones we love,

the ones our lives revolve around.

Life is a fragile affair.

We are all dancing

on the edge of a precipice,

a dizzying cliff so high

we can't see the bottom.

One by one,

we lose those we love most

into the dark ravine.

So we must cherish them

without reservation.

Now.

Today.

This minute.

We will lose them

or they will lose us

someday.

This is certain.

There is no time for bickering.

And their loss

will leave a great pit in our hearts;

a pit we struggle to avoid

during the day

and fall into at night.

Some,

unable to accept this loss,

unable to determine

the worth of life without them,

jump into that black pit

spiritually or physically,

hoping to find them there.

And some survive

the shock,

the denial,

the horror,

the bargaining,

the barren, empty aching,

the unanswered prayers,

the sleepless nights

when their breath is crushed

under the weight of silence

and all that it means.

Somehow, some survive all that and,

like a flower opening after a storm,

they slowly begin to remember

the one they lost

in a different way...

The laughter,

the irrepressible spirit,

the generous heart,

the way their smile made them feel,

the encouragement they gave

even as their own dreams were dying.

And in time, they fill the pit

with other memories

the only memories that really matter.

We will still cry.

We will always cry.

But with loving reflection

more than hopeless longing.

And that is how we survive.

That is how the story should end.

That is how they would want it to be.

- Mark Rickerby (c) 1997

Published in The Grief Toolbox

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Just One More Day

There are times my thoughts go to having one more day with the loved ones who have left my life.  It never gets to the point of pondering the question "what would I say" and how would I feel in the end.  

Would I go through grief of this person leaving my life again?

Would it bring up more regrets or questions?

One more hug would be awesome, but would it be enough?  

Would it make me want more and more, making the grief intensified?

I didn't get to say goodbye to JR, my nana or nano.  What would I have said? How do you say goodbye to someone who has been such a big part of your life?


Death and resulting grief has to be the most difficult thing to deal with in life. Everyone has a different way of dealing with it.  I write and let my feelings out, it helps me.  Some people hold it all inside, like in denial of any hurtful emotions.

The Grief Toolbox, the website, has really been helpful for me.  The graphic comes from there and is just an example of how they post those articles, poems and so much more that make me think about something I had not thought about before.

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The Waves of Grief

It hasn't been a good time.  Sometimes life will throw some unpleasant stuff our way.  At times we go through it with flying colors, unscathed emotionally. Other times it stops us in our tracks and just doing normal, routine things are a big chore.

The other night everything got to me in a big way and I had a bit of a melt down.

A conversation with my mom started the whole thing.  She was feeling a little depressed, missing my dad, the way things were, not wanting to even sit in her back yard because it brought back good memories of times that were gone.  She cried and cried.  And it got to me.  She talked about living on borrowed time since she is getting older.  

Don't we all go through that scenario whether we want to admit it or not?

That conversation brought me to thoughts of my past and those who have passed away and left such a void in my life.  There are times I think of those special people individually, but this time, it was all of them at one time.  It was too much to handle, along with the thought of my mom's mortality . . . and mine.

I don't have many true friends.  My nature is to not trust anyone enough to let them close.  Friends have hurt me deeply in my life, so there are only a few that I trust.  Two of them have passed away since JR died.

Rose was my best friend going all the way back to junior high school.  We were silly pre-teens when we met.  She and I went through all those silly things we go through in our teen years going into our adult years. We remained best friends until she passed away a few years ago.  She was the sister I never had and my only best friend to not hurt me through all those years.  That is special.  You would not believe how many times I want to pick up the phone to share something with her . . . and I realized she has vanished from my life like a puff of smoke.  It tears me up . . .

Nolan was my neighbor of like 20 something years or so.  He had always been there to lend JR a helping hand with projects around the house, was a frequent visitor and became my angel from God after JR passed away.  His death was sudden and extra painful.  When he bought his motorcycle, I got a bad feeling. He assured me not to worry since he was the most careful driver with a respect for the motorcycle.  Well, to avoid hitting a dog on the highway, he went out of control and hit a tree.  He died instantly.  He was here one moment and the next he's gone.  I remember hearing him leave on the motorcycle that morning and his sense of adventure put a smile on my face . . . only to break my heart at the end of the day.

I started thinking about them . . . and my godfather, my aunt's mother, my biological father, my brother's mother-in-law and brother-in-law,  my nano and especially my nana who was like my mother.  All those thoughts at one time was way too much for me to handle.  

Always on my mind is JR . . . the person I committed my life to until death do we part, but I still can't get over him being gone.  I miss him and the life we shared.

Those of us who have experienced the death of someone special will go through these times.  The good and bad feelings come and go, leaving us to go on with life as usual.  Some waves of grief are rougher than others . . .

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Depression and Suicide

This post is dedicated to Robin Williams . . . may he rest in peace

According to Wikipedia, "depression is a mental disorder characterized by a pervasive and persistent low mood that is accompanied by low self-esteem and by a loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities. Suicide is the act of intentionally causing one's own death. Suicide is often committed out of despair, the cause of which is frequently attributed to a mental disorder such as depression."

In my opinion, depression is not understood by society in general. Many have the opinion that depression is just an imagined ploy to get attention.   They see it as "victim mentality." Too bad everyone is not perfect as they are.  (I am being sarcastic, but exactly how I feel about these type of people.)

"Get over it" they will tell the depressed person, making that dark tunnel darker, the light at the end of that tunnel fainter.  The depressed person is left feeling like a freak of nature.  

You just don't "get over" depression!  Those who don't care enough to understand the depression of a loved one should be ashamed of themselves! Depression is real and is painful, especially when the support of loved ones is not there. 

Many who are depressed will probably not admit to being depressed due to the stigma associated with it, making it a very dangerous situation.  There are tools to deal with depression, but without seeking professional help, a dangerous situation can become worse.  

At best they will live a relatively sad life. 

When they can't "get over" the depression, the decision is made by that person whose pain is so awful that they can't take it another day, with that dark tunnel in total darkness . . . that person will be left with the feeling they have no other option in life but to end it.

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A message to heaven's gate . . . Happy Anniversary

It doesn't seem like it has been 34 years since JR and I took our vows after knowing each other six months.  Everyone thought we were crazy.
It is so true that life is but a blink of an eye.  The day is so vivid in my mind as if it were yesterday, but it was a lifetime ago.  God took him from me 12 years ago and it seems like yesterday we were living a happy and content life with no idea of what was to come so abruptly and swiftly turn my life upside down.
Of all the trigger days, our wedding day has to be one that is the hardest to get through.  All the good memories come flooding back and all the hopes for the tomorrows that never came.  This is one of the most difficult things I have dealt with in my life . . . the death of my husband, my best friend.
You would think that it would get easier as the years go by . . . but I believe it is the other way around.  It is more time that has gone by that I have felt the void in my life.
I'm happily married again to The Captain, feeling so blessed to have found another great love in my life.  I wonder if other widows have such a difficult time with grief after moving on with so many years that have gone by.

 

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What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger?

Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape. --Charles Dickens

WOW, that quote speaks volumes to me and reminds me of another quote . . . "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Yes, I am stronger than before I had to deal with the death of my spouse . . . I'm still standing after taking one fall after another.  One learns how to get back up, however, I'm not sure if I have been bent and broken into a better shape.  

Sometimes I wonder about being "stronger" since I am haunted with worry that it will happen all over again while fiercely trying to fight those feelings and adopt the philosophy of living for today and don't worry about the future. 

When I fell in love with The Captain, I thought my heart would be what it used to be, but it had experienced the devastating pain of losing a spouse.  He's gone through several surgeries since we have been together and the feelings come flooding back with a vengeance.  I've wondered if other widows go through the same feelings after finding love again and this is just a "normal" phase of the grief process.  

The fear of another loss . . . I've perfected the act of suffering and live with the hope that I will learn the lesson that life goes on no matter what or how much we worry about whatever the worry is about.

Sometimes I wonder if what doesn't kill you makes you weaker?

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The Monsters in the Closet

Pay attention to your emotions

"Emotions are the next frontier to be understood and conquered. To manage our emotions is not to drug them or suppress them, but to understand them so that we can intelligently direct our emotional energies and intentions.... It's time for human beings to grow up emotionally, to mature into emotionally managed and responsible citizens. No magic pill will do it."  ~ Doc Childre


Many of us believe that we need to keep a tight lid on our emotions. We fear that if we ever allow these emotions to be expressed, they will do serious damage.

But if we summon up the courage to truly feel our emotions, we discover that they don't last. The monster in the closet turns out to be a pussycat. In fact, if we are willing to experience our emotions completely, without resistance of any kind, they burn themselves out in only a few minutes.

The only thing that keeps emotions alive within you over long periods is your unwillingness to acknowledge them.

"By starving emotions we become humorless, rigid and stereotyped; by repressing them we become literal, reformatory and holier-than-thou; encouraged, they perfume life; discouraged, they poison it."  ~ Joseph Collins

Source: Higher Awareness

It has been a difficult month . . . December usually is.  There have been a myriad of emotions that have been my monster in the closet.

First of all, grief.  It is the one emotion that is always looming and floating around my thoughts, which sometimes gets the best of me.  This month it was compounded by two deaths in my extended family.  One was expected, the other was totally unexpected and especially painful.  Both deaths took my thoughts to places in the past where these two beautiful people touched my life and I contemplated their affect on my life. All of this thinking took me to other places of grief to a very disturbing journey of revisiting all those important people who have disappeared from my life, never to appear again.  Grief can be a vicious cycle.

By all means, I did not starve my emotions this month.  In fact, I fed them way too much.  All the monsters were very hungry!

With my emotions in a delicate condition, this situation of no running water for yet another month had me to the point of wanting to scream at the top of my lungs without ceasing.  How awful to have to live this way with no end in sight.  This too shall pass . . .

The monsters from my childhood also stay at the edge of the closet, coming out to haunt and torment me randomly.  Although the emotions seem trivial and silly to others, they are very real to me.  They came at me fiercely around Christmas.

Although many of us try to sweep the monsters back in the closet, we all have them and must deal with them as they show themselves.  Mine always come out with a vengeance around the holidays.  Maybe I don't deal with them enough during the year.

Of course it was not all bad.  The Captain and I had some very joyous times. We treated ourselves to a few culinary toys that we are thoroughly enjoying. Christmas Eve was spent at my cousin's house for the annual pig roast.  We arrived early to experience the process of roasting a pig.  It made me very happy to spend quality time with my aunt, uncle and cousins.  The simple things in life are so special and these are the things I will remember when I think of this holiday season.

Hopefully the monsters will go back to hide in the closet as the ball drops on New Years Eve, marking the end of the holidays and the dreaded season. Having said all that I've said, they are way more joyous since I met The Captain.  He's my hero and gift from God . . . the light at the end of the dark closet.

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Back To You

Like a star that guides a ship across the ocean
that's how your love
will take me home back to you
And if I wish upon that star
someday I'll be where you are
I know that day is coming soon
I'm coming back to you.


lyrics from the song
Back to You/Bryan Adams



Originally posted on Yahoo 360
September 29, 2007 comments included at the end of this post


What if we could go back and look into the eyes of someone you love who has passed and tell them how much you love and miss them, spend time with them or just give them a big hug . . . fix those mistakes we made in life, go back and rewind immediately after we know we said the wrong thing and have the ability to say it again . . . the manipulation of life's outcomes. Rewind immediately after the lottery numbers are called and be the first one to get them right . . . we'd all be millionaires wouldn't we?

How about the love that got away? What if you could go back and do it all over again?

History would constantly evolve into whoever's concept of fixing what was wrong was achieved. What a crazy thought . . . the world would be far more out of control than it is now if outcomes could be changed and manipulated.

In my life, I've dealt with death starting at a very young age and I still don't deal with it well. Many of my friends were killed in automobile accidents and coming from a very large italian family with my grandparents each having at least ten brothers and sisters, I think I experienced more than the normal person. Then my grandmother who raised me and was actually more like my mom than my mom died at a very young age . . . well, my childlike thoughts wished that I could go to the place where I could visit those who had passed on who I loved so much. At the time, I didn't have much religion with just a vague concept of heaven, so death freaked me out.

I've since become a Christian as an adult and death does not freak me out as it did in my younger days . . . but when my husband passed away, the notion of time travel and visiting heaven has come to my mind quite often. I guess that happens when someone so close to you passes on suddenly without warning. You spend your life with this person and don't even get to say goodbye . . . what if you could? What if we had the ability to visit heaven, not a time travel thing where history would be constantly evolving and changing . . . just a visit to another time or another dimension like heaven.

Of course I would love to be the merchant in charge of all travel arrangements . . . would be a popular item on eBay . . . talk about difficulty in pricing an item or a service for something so priceless and worth more than all the money in the world . . . at least it would be to me. For now, I visit them in my dreams.

What do you think? For once, I would love to use it to win the lottery, not have to worry about survival and be able to help people with the money I win. What would you do with the powers of going back?

lol I know most of you probably think that I have really gone over the edge with this one . . .

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