I am still here

 

Gratitude is the capacity to stare doubt, loss, chaos and despair right in the eye and say, ‘I am still here.’

Diana Butler Bass I have seen all of the doubt, loss, chaos and have seen despair. Been there, done that and I am still here. I got through most of it and I knew I would, even though it was rough going through it all. It got me down, depressed and emotionally knocked me down for a while.  Even though I knew I would get through it, at the time I was not strong enough to fight it.  I'm still not over certain things, but I have gotten up again and am trying to get through them.  Why I can't just get up and be "normal" again, "just do it" some people tell me . . . I can't.  I can only keep trying and get mad at myself when it is even difficult to get up and try. The part of being grateful is that after the last decade or two of my life I can still get up again and try. I'm grateful for what I can do and how I feel now.  And most of the time I have the strength to try to be what most people call "normal" . . . whatever that is.  Who is the "judge" of normal and can tell you the description? LOL . . . Everyone thinks they are the judge! Some people even decided they know enough about "normal" to hurtfully judge me. I KNOW THAT GOD KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT "NORMAL" IS AND HE IS GUIDING ME TO IT IN HIS TIME. GOD IS THE ONLY JUDGE. I'M GRATEFUL THAT HE IS AND I TRUST HIM! It is all a part of life's tests.  We all have to go through them.  We react to situations differently too.   All I know is that I am still here!

read more

Just Another Chapter

 

Every exit is an entry somewhere else.

Tom Stoppard

We exited 2025 and entered 2026.

Just another chapter in life as we move through the chapters, some good, some bad, some happy, some sad.

As a society, most of us eat black eyed peas or grapes or a number of what I call superstitions that are just that.

Every year I faithfully ate my grapes and black eyed peas, hoping that the year would be better than the last. One year was worse than the other whether I ate the grapes or not.  With the decade or so that I have had, this year I decided to forget the grapes and black eyed peas.

It is just another chapter in my life.  All I can do is pray for a better year and have faith that it will be.  

I'll have faith in God instead of grapes or black eyed peas.

Happy New Year!

read more

Live For The Moment

 

Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life. Omar Khayyam The Captain lived for the moment and lived it to the fullest.  I can say with confidence he had no regrets.  He did what he wanted to do, what made him happy. It allowed him to live a very happy life, finding humor in just about everything and always tried to make everyone around him laugh. You would never know that he also lived with PTSD from his military life that brought him nightmares that never left him.  He saw lots of death around him yet he survived and it could be why he chose to live for the moment. Living for the moment is not how I lived my life before I met him.  His attitude was that God was leading his way, so he should not worry about anything.  I worried about everything even though I have strong faith in God.  But I worry anyway, although not as much and I am getting so much better as time goes on, getting stronger by the day. For that, I am so grateful he was a part of my life for the time he was with me.  He taught me many lessons.  Grief hit me hard and I didn't realize a lot of things until recently. When you think about it, the moment is all we have since the future is not promised.  So you must live it with gusto and be grateful for the moments you experience. That quote really made me think and I will continue to ponder the concept of living for the moment in honor of The Captain.  May he rest in peace.

read more

We all have choices

 

“Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. 

Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.”
 

WAYNE DYER

American author and motivational speaker

As I approach another Thanksgiving holiday alone without my little family, The Captain and Miss Kiki, the challenge has been to be happy with my awesome memories.  I miss them like crazy, but I can't bring them back, so I have chosen to go on with my life and not be so miserable.

When I think of all the people who were close to me in my lifetime that are now gone, it is sad to acknowledge they are gone, never to return, and I have made it through without them . . . every one of them, one by one.

That is life.  The fact that I grieve so hard for those who have left my life means that I seriously loved and cherished them.   It makes me so grateful to realize I have had so much love in my life that many don't experience.

The thought of no one having to die in this world sounds ideal, but in the scope of the existence of everyone ever in the whole world, doesn't it seem a little strange?

It is with extreme gratefulness that I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.

read more

Renewed sense of aliveness through gratefulness

 

The renewed sense of aliveness in my life is amazing.  It goes to show how living gratefully has the power to transform.

Honestly, I can't say that I have been grateful for everything that happened since Hurricane Irma and all the misery that followed.  After each period of shock and heartbreak, the gratefulness came back, so did my faith in God.

Life isn't easy but through hope, faith and gratefulness, a joyful existence can be reached if it is what you strive for.  Anything in life is possible.  That is the lesson I have learned.

read more

The Behavior of Others

“Don’t let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.”  

Dalai Lama

The opinion of others regarding me personally held me captive most of my life.  It agonized me to point of obsession where I was trying to figure out why the person was behaving in this manner.  It made me so sad.

As I look back at my life, I wonder what possessed me to even care about what others thought of me.  I've dealt with this kind of stuff so much that now I could care less and it has become easy to take these people out of my life.

Now I only want to know why and what their problem is.  What makes them think they can act this way toward another person?  It is total rudeness!

It has never been in my nature to lash out and defend myself, I would just ignore it and wish the behavior would go away.  Now I whisk the behavior out of my life . . . and I still won't confront.  It is a mystery to me that I don't confront.  

They no longer steal my inner peace!

read more

The Turning Point

 

• “True abundance isn’t based on our net worth, 
• it’s based on our self-worth.” 
• Gabrielle Bernstein

After 9-11, the book "Simple Abundance" changed my life.  Since then, my quest for success and making more and more money changed to being grateful for what I have.  It stresses what is really important in life.

The realization to slow down, take a deep breath and enjoy the moment is lost in our society.  It seems like they wake up angry and run around like a chicken with its head cut off.  

My life has changed drastically since my younger days.  I was one of those people running around and moving so fast that I could not enjoy anything.  That can make you very angry at the world and everything that happens, no matter how good.

When I decided to drop out, stay home and become an internet retailer, the relief I felt was indescribable.  The feeling of peace within my soul was so much more important than the money.  JR and I were the happiest we had ever been.  That was so important since he passed away shortly after the lifestyle change.  For that I have been eternally grateful.  All the money in the world could not bring me to that place.

Life after The Captain passed away has been filled with guilt since so many things were left in an undone, bad place and stole my peace.  Forgotten were the lessons learned on 9-11 of treating every day as if it was the last.

It has been difficult for me to have a positive attitude and grateful life since I felt so undone to the soul of my being.  Having to put Kiki to sleep was the ultimate "nail in the coffin" to my life.

Today, I am back to the gratefulness as I finally realize that these things are all part of life, the good and the bad.  I believe it is all God's will and I should trust him.  Everything happens for a reason.  I'm so happy for the awesome memories of my past life that made me happy and even the sad ones.  

More importantly, they have

 taught me valuable life lessons.

My relationships with people in this world have solidified my love of being home alone and not feeling the judgment of others with whatever I am experiencing in my life.  Now I don't care what anyone thinks and that is finally true freedom. I am not lonely since I have a very content life.

Do what makes you happy no matter what anyone else thinks!

read more

Life, dreams and gratitude

 

The tragic fires in California this past week have given me so much to think about life, hopes and dreams and gratitude.  In the course of life, going after our hopes and dreams or experiencing difficult life circumstances, we sometimes get overwhelmed and forget to be grateful.  It is human nature and doesn't mean that we are an ungrateful person.

Since The Captain passed away last year and having to make the difficult decision to put my sweet fur baby Kiki to sleep recently, grief has taken me over and although I am usually grateful for everything I have been blessed with, the deep pain within has consumed me. 

Those in the path of those fires not only face losing their home, but their lifestyle.  The lucky ones will still have their home, but friends and neighbors will probably be gone, all the familiar places like grocery stores and schools gone.  No doubt these "lucky" people will feel that horrible feeling of deep grief that will change their life forever.  And like grief from a physical death, they will probably feel profound guilt.

No matter what their circumstance, most had hopes and dreams.  Some achieved dreams, some had future dreams . . . both are perceived gone at first.

Having watched way too many hours of news, it has made me think about life in general and have ultimately realized how grateful I am for everything I have been blessed with and I can have new hopes and dreams for my life.

The following poem and all that thinking made it all make sense.

"Today I woke and found myself

With less than yesterday

My life was missing things

I had assumed were here to stay

Things that had seemed little

'til they left a giant space,

Left an empty silence

And a longing in their place

And I began to understand

That when push came to shove

I longed for what I’d had

When I’d thought that was not enough

I’d always looked ahead

Was always chasing more and more

Growing so complacent

Of the things I once wished for

Running to tomorrow,

To the weekend, to next year

Forgetting I was lucky

For the things already here

And all this made me realize

That my life can’t buy more time

So maybe I should spend my time

Loving this life of mine

And maybe I’ll be grateful

For the little things I’ve got

That seem inconsequential

But which mean an awful lot

So, tonight I’ll thank the stars

Instead of asking them for more

And I will hope to wake with all

The things I’ve thanked them for

‘Cause now I see that my todays

Are filled with time I’ve borrowed

And I shouldn’t sit around and waste them

Chasing my tomorrows."

'Chasing Tomorrow' by Becky Helmsley from 'Letters from Life'

Becky Hemsley Poetry

read more

Life's Purpose

 

"Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from."

~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I'm having a problem with this and feeling so lost. The more I think about it, the more difficult it is to come up with an answer.

read more

Long Darkness

 

Nothing has been as it seems, or has it?

Some lines from a movie I recently saw really hit home with me and put the past year into a weird perspective.  

"I was sleeping peacefully in the midst of a long darkness.  It is good to sleep when you can't find the answers so I just slept for what seemed like months.  Then I was pulled by a light, life was pulling me back."

It seems as though the roller coaster of grief has had me going back and forth as though I am having a bad dream, woken up to a momentary desire to get back to normal life, but swiftly pulled back out of the reality that is way too painful to deal with.  Of course I deal with it, I have no choice, but the mind can play tricks on us in those painful dark moments of grief.  I tend to want to just stay in bed and not face another day of the torment of a new reality.  

I think to myself, "it can't be possible that my life has changed this drastically."  But it has.  Nothing makes sense and I feel lost without him.

I'm going though a crazy, difficult phase of grief where the long darkness makes me look at progress I've made skeptically.  This too shall pass.  I know because I have already been here 20 years ago when my first husband passed away, I just forgot how difficult it was.

 

read more

Simple

 

Memories are the best things in life.  At this time I feel they are all I have left, although I know that is not true.  Bad grief phases make me have those awful feelings, but also make me so grateful for those great memories.

I have not been able to pick myself up properly since the trigger days of March.  This too shall pass and I know it very well, but while going through it, it is what I perceive as hell.  Maybe it is what I deserve for whatever reason.

Praying for peace . . .

read more

Holiday Blues

Another trigger day, actually a double trigger day, JR's birthday.  

This is the end of trigger days for a while thank God and I am already feeling better.  It is all a mindset.

In the past, I loved holidays, they were so special.  Now they are memories of special days.  In my time with The Captain, the holidays were already dreaded days.  He wasn't fond of them either, except for our birthdays and anniversary.

 

read more

Loud Silence

 

It has been a weird time.  Yes, the silence is loud.  Sometimes it is hard to breathe.  I need to write and let this out, but I really don't know what to say.  I'm enjoying being alone in my silence, but it would be great if he was here with me.  Only him.  God knows how much I miss him.

It was so good to finally see my family again after all these months, I missed them so much.  However, words have been difficult to find and conversation is so difficult right now.  The Captain and I were rarely without words.  He is the only one I want to talk to, but I never will again.

Yes, it is a difficult time, but this too shall pass.

read more

Worth It

 

I HAVE NOTHING TO ADD

read more

Don't give up now

 

But really, do I have a choice?

I guess it was his birthday, a trigger day that started me on the roller coaster again.  Just when I was starting to feel better.

I'm so tired of feeling better only to slip back into this funky phase of grief.  The good thing is I have writing about it to help me get through the awful moments.

If it seems like I am ready to give up going on with my life and having a normal life again, the answer is hell no, I will never give up.  I got through losing JR and I will get through losing The Captain.  He taught me that life does go on . . . he made it possible for me to do so.  It isn't easy, but life isn't easy.

read more

Joyful Melody of Life

 

I've started listening to music regularly as I did in "normal times."  Music has been a part of life since I was a little girl enjoying the radio being on day and night by my family.  Songs have meaning to me as far as lyrics and bringing back memories.  It is strange how a song can be associated with a person, a place in time, an event, etc.  For me, music is so special for all of those reasons, as well as the love of a song or musician.

In the past couple of days, I have been drawn to songs that remind me of the beginning of my relationship with The Captain.  They brought up so many awesome memories that took me back to the time like it was yesterday.  That is what I love so much about music, it takes you there.

In this phase of grief, I can say that I have found the joyful melody of life with The Captain, remembering the great times with a smile on my face.  And just as fast as the smile appeared, so do the tears of a time in my life that is gone forever.  

The next grief phase will hopefully focus on the great times and the memories with only smiles and less sorrow.  I will listen to your song forever in my heart and the song will play softly, soothing my soul.

Cherish the music!

read more

Future Without Fear?

Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep faith and drop the fear. Don't believe your doubts and never doubt your beliefs. Life is wonderful if you know how to live it. 

Source

There is a line in that quote . . . "Life is wonderful if you know how to live it."  It screams life balance to me and learning how to maintain it.  I can remember having life balance at different points in my life.  Maintaining it is so difficult as life changes and throws us off balance.

Never have regrets for anything in your past since those circumstances have brought you to where you are at this moment and even the bad is good because you learned lessons along the way.

As far as fears and doubts, whatever is going to happen will happen.  The present and future are not controlled by fears and doubts unless you are faithless and prevent the process of moving on.  Think positively about life situations, make the best choices possible and have faith in the choices you have made for yourself.

read more

Who do you think you are?

As I continue to transfer my blog posts from an older blog,
I am reminded that you must first walk through the fire
before you get to that peaceful place in life.

NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS!

"The race is on to get out of the bottom,

The top is high so your roots are forgotten,

Giving is good as long as you're getting,

What's driving you it's ambition and betting,

I said who do you think you are? "

Lyrics from the song by

Spice Girls - 
Who Do You Think You Are?

Originally posted on August 24, 2007

Comments from the original entry on Yahoo 360 follow the entry

Happy Friday, another week has flown by, huh? As my life runs in its typical patterns of ups and downs, another bad time is lifting and I see the sun again. I must say that my horoscope earlier this week was right on target and I knew to brace myself for a rocky ride this week. And rocky it has been.

I'm moving really slow today . . . here it is, mid-afternoon on the east coast and my coffee is just now brewing. Last night it was a marathon phone conversation with my cousin Vince in the middle of the night. We do that . . . both night owls. Vince was that guy who was my date when I needed one for social business functions in my single days. My baby cousin was an awesome side kick. One of those gorgeous men who doesn't know he is, looks like he stepped right out of the GQ Magazine and the older he gets, the more gorgeous he gets.

Thinking of Vince, the nice guy that he is, how gorgeous he is . . . he has it all and it gives me hope . . . just like the awesome and wonderful relationship I had with JR. Good people restore your faith in other people . . . knowing all the time that the other element is out there too. Unfortunately.

You have the gorgeous guys like Vince who could think they are God's gift to women and then you have the other element of man who thinks they are, whether they deserve the title or not. Self-confidence is a strange thing and how it makes some people perceive themselves. The song I chose to play today reminds me of those guys who make you go . . . hmmmmm . . . who do you think you are? It takes all kinds in this world or it would be a very boring world, huh? By the way guys . . . I know there are those women out there who make you go . . . hmmmmm too.

This week was one of setbacks, but taking the positive spin on bad things that happen in life . . . everything that happens to us in life is a lesson. It was all in the path to my destiny . . . the journey to the rest of my life. In another post, I mentioned that Satan clipped my wings and it felt like someone swung open the doors of hell. There is some truth to that. My Christian beliefs tell me that God let Satan put his hands on me to teach me a lesson.

Let this week be a lesson to everyone going through a struggle . . . I reverted back to my negative thinking and not being grateful everyday and I was spiraling out of control. I won't delete one post . . . it is there for me to go back to and see what happens when I react to happenings in my life negatively. Everything gets out of wack.

Simple concept . . . our thought process determines our reactions and leads our emotions. Learn the lesson with me, my friends! My positive thought process is telling me that it wasn't a total waste . . . and I'm grateful for the lesson.

Comments from original entry on Yahoo 360

(10 total)

Just want to say your thoughts help me know I am not the only one going
through crap. Thanks but you don't have to have bad stuff happen to you to make feel better so stop it, LOL!

Thank you for being you and open!

Friday August 24, 2007 - 03:01pm (CDT)

Gina, I love this post! How did you do the picture?? I have no clue how one would do this...you must be computer-savvy...

*hugs*

Friday August 24, 2007 - 01:05pm (PDT)

awww Dave, I know that our lives are constantly paralleling. And the urge to delete the rant blogs . . . use them for encouragement, that is what I'm gonna try to do!

Libby . . . computer graphics is a hobby is hope to possibly turn into a profession as soon as I can get myself back to school and get certified.

Hugs and love to yall!!

Friday August 24, 2007 - 04:15pm (EDT)

i am a huge believer in yin/yang. the whole idea of BALANCE is just such a very necessary thing on our paths, IMHO. perhaps you could promise yourself that no matter what a day may bring you, you will not forget to be mindful of the things you are grateful for. life's all about choices. you can choose to not let other people's negativity get the better of you. YOU are in control of your own emotions and actions! i am glad you aren't deleting your 'rant' posts. there is so much we learn from putting things into words, so you can be grateful for those blogs, because they can help you find things to be grateful for, too. blessings to you as you continue your journey, my friend.

Friday August 24, 2007 - 06:07pm (EDT)

Deb, the major progress I have made is determining that I am the one in control of my emotions. Sometimes I forget and that balance goes crazy. At least I'm not staying there like I used to! That is another thing I discovered from the last couple of stumbles I've had . . . they don't last that long and I can bounce back. It does not throw me into a month-long pity party.

The rants . . . the I'm leaving . . . I'm staying . . . I feel raw and exposed . . . not writing anymore . . . the most positive thing about all that is that I did not stay gone for more than one day. This is growth for me to not run away, that is my usual MO. I do that well!

Friends like you are making all the difference for me!!! You are the best!!!! I'm gonna surprise you one of these days and we are gonna do some serious party down girl!! Turkey fry next August? Do you still do that?

Friday August 24, 2007 - 06:43pm (EDT)

Great post Gina, I know what you mean about deleting blogs, I have been guilty of that and now wish I hadn't.
Hang in there and tomorrow will be better, well thats what I say to myself when things are a bit down. Your cousin Vinny sounds like a great person, you are lucky to have someone like that in your life.
God Bless

Saturday August 25, 2007 - 08:46am (EST)

babes, all i can say is ... i love that bloody tune!!!!!!!!!!!!! i`m a little drunk and i love ya ! love Loo xxxxxxxxxxx

Friday August 24, 2007 - 11:57pm (BST)

girl, if you'll promise to be here, it WILL be happening!!! i will gather the rest of the gals, and we will party until the sun comes up. i celebrate your awakenings with you. *hugs*

Friday August 24, 2007 - 07:41pm (EDT)

So did you chose the phrase "god's gift" to get my attention ? LOL It's true, these past to weeks have seen my ego reinflated. but hey,when starting from zero, a few sucesses tip the scales quickly. :) Oh, and the reason i asked..... Matthew means god's gift.... so great pun !!! LOL love ya gina..... keep smiling sweety !

Friday August 24, 2007 - 10:09pm (CDT)

read more