Wednesday, April 17, 2024
Simple
Sunday, March 31, 2024
Holiday Blues
Sunday, March 24, 2024
Loud Silence
It has been a weird time. Yes, the silence is loud. Sometimes it is hard to breathe. I need to write and let this out, but I really don't know what to say. I'm enjoying being alone in my silence, but it would be great if he was here with me. Only him. God knows how much I miss him.
It was so good to finally see my family again after all these months, I missed them so much. However, words have been difficult to find and conversation is so difficult right now. The Captain and I were rarely without words. He is the only one I want to talk to, but I never will again.
Yes, it is a difficult time, but this too shall pass.
Friday, March 22, 2024
Thursday, March 21, 2024
Don't give up now
But really, do I have a choice?
I guess it was his birthday, a trigger day that started me on the roller coaster again. Just when I was starting to feel better.
I'm so tired of feeling better only to slip back into this funky phase of grief. The good thing is I have writing about it to help me get through the awful moments.
If it seems like I am ready to give up going on with my life and having a normal life again, the answer is hell no, I will never give up. I got through losing JR and I will get through losing The Captain. He taught me that life does go on . . . he made it possible for me to do so. It isn't easy, but life isn't easy.
Sunday, March 10, 2024
Joyful Melody of Life
In the past couple of days, I have been drawn to songs that remind me of the beginning of my relationship with The Captain. They brought up so many awesome memories that took me back to the time like it was yesterday. That is what I love so much about music, it takes you there.
In this phase of grief, I can say that I have found the joyful melody of life with The Captain, remembering the great times with a smile on my face. And just as fast as the smile appeared, so do the tears of a time in my life that is gone forever.
The next grief phase will hopefully focus on the great times and the memories with only smiles and less sorrow. I will listen to your song forever in my heart and the song will play softly, soothing my soul.
Cherish the music!
Tuesday, March 5, 2024
Future Without Fear?
Friday, February 23, 2024
Who do you think you are?
I am reminded that you must first walk through the fire
before you get to that peaceful place in life.
The top is high so your roots are forgotten,
Giving is good as long as you're getting,
What's driving you it's ambition and betting,
I said who do you think you are? "
Lyrics from the song by
Who Do You Think You Are?
Comments from the original entry on Yahoo 360 follow the entry
Happy Friday, another week has flown by, huh? As my life runs in its typical patterns of ups and downs, another bad time is lifting and I see the sun again. I must say that my horoscope earlier this week was right on target and I knew to brace myself for a rocky ride this week. And rocky it has been.
I'm moving really slow today . . . here it is, mid-afternoon on the east coast and my coffee is just now brewing. Last night it was a marathon phone conversation with my cousin Vince in the middle of the night. We do that . . . both night owls. Vince was that guy who was my date when I needed one for social business functions in my single days. My baby cousin was an awesome side kick. One of those gorgeous men who doesn't know he is, looks like he stepped right out of the GQ Magazine and the older he gets, the more gorgeous he gets.
Thinking of Vince, the nice guy that he is, how gorgeous he is . . . he has it all and it gives me hope . . . just like the awesome and wonderful relationship I had with JR. Good people restore your faith in other people . . . knowing all the time that the other element is out there too. Unfortunately.
You have the gorgeous guys like Vince who could think they are God's gift to women and then you have the other element of man who thinks they are, whether they deserve the title or not. Self-confidence is a strange thing and how it makes some people perceive themselves. The song I chose to play today reminds me of those guys who make you go . . . hmmmmm . . . who do you think you are? It takes all kinds in this world or it would be a very boring world, huh? By the way guys . . . I know there are those women out there who make you go . . . hmmmmm too.
This week was one of setbacks, but taking the positive spin on bad things that happen in life . . . everything that happens to us in life is a lesson. It was all in the path to my destiny . . . the journey to the rest of my life. In another post, I mentioned that Satan clipped my wings and it felt like someone swung open the doors of hell. There is some truth to that. My Christian beliefs tell me that God let Satan put his hands on me to teach me a lesson.
Let this week be a lesson to everyone going through a struggle . . . I reverted back to my negative thinking and not being grateful everyday and I was spiraling out of control. I won't delete one post . . . it is there for me to go back to and see what happens when I react to happenings in my life negatively. Everything gets out of wack.
Simple concept . . . our thought process determines our reactions and leads our emotions. Learn the lesson with me, my friends! My positive thought process is telling me that it wasn't a total waste . . . and I'm grateful for the lesson.
Comments from original entry on Yahoo 360
(10 total)Libby . . . computer graphics is a hobby is hope to possibly turn into a profession as soon as I can get myself back to school and get certified.
Hugs and love to yall!!
The rants . . . the I'm leaving . . . I'm staying . . . I feel raw and exposed . . . not writing anymore . . . the most positive thing about all that is that I did not stay gone for more than one day. This is growth for me to not run away, that is my usual MO. I do that well!
Friends like you are making all the difference for me!!! You are the best!!!! I'm gonna surprise you one of these days and we are gonna do some serious party down girl!! Turkey fry next August? Do you still do that?
Hang in there and tomorrow will be better, well thats what I say to myself when things are a bit down. Your cousin Vinny sounds like a great person, you are lucky to have someone like that in your life.
God Bless
Tuesday, December 12, 2017
Endings Become Beginnings
"Endings became beginnings without my expressed permission. ‘Take that’, it said."
- Despite what you might think, I haven’t lost all my dreams.
- Although the biggest dream I had was to grow old, crazy in love, to laugh away the hours seated beside each other in two cozy rocking chairs.
- When you lose your dreams, it’s gut wrenching. It’s a ship without a harbor. Hear me out.
- When someone dies who is tethered to your dreams, it’s god-forsakenly unfathomable.
- It takes your very breath away, the wind out of your sails and the simplest joy out of life.
- It stuns and shocks. It stumbles and falls. It’s silent and it screams.
- Endings became beginnings without my expressed permission. ‘Take that’, it said.
- It beckons me to question everything and nothing. It makes no sense.
- It’s the hardest medicine to swallow for what ails my tender broken heart.
- Dreams are made for the future, and our future just completed its circle of life.
- New dreams and circles begin as a white sheet, a never ending road, a blank chalk board, a flowing river, a narrow trail or an empty computer screen.
- It’s a reset I resent. It’s a grudge I must face. It’s a new I dislike. Oh, it’s so very true.
- But it’s also a doorway, a threshold, a chapter, a page, a new me opportunity. A curiosity.
- That new me dream lurks in front of me without a hint of forecast, certainty, direction or knowing.
- I’m scared. Oh my gosh, I actually said that. I thought I knew where I was headed but now….
- Everything I once knew for sure is no longer. Dreams feel far, far away at the edge of existence and yet, I know they are somehow entangled in this first courageous push away from the shore of my unfulfilled dreams.
- I must take into the future a dream of my own, a blank space to be filled with…..something, somewhere, someone, somehow, someway.
- I will use all my determination, commitment, resilience, creativity, consciousness, knowledge, heart, kindness and humble energy to take me there. I’ll also use my anger, bitterness, grief, uncertainty, negativity and I’ll turn it ALL into fuel that propels my journey.
- It’s all fuel. It’s all me. It’s all good. It’s here to teach me that dreams are for the seaworthy.
- I will not allow grief and a lost dream to keep me tied onto the shore of my beautiful past.
- That is a promise I intend to keep. A link I plan to create. An empowering link- not to an anchor of my lost dream, but as a resilient vessel moored to the possibility of ‘new me’ dreams on the horizon.
Please be extra patient with me as I set outward bound on this journey sunrise to sunset. I’m getting there. Especially during these holidays, which are unchartered territory for me.
Carolyn Moor
MWC Founder
http://modernwidowsclub.org
Sunday, October 15, 2017
Reflection of Life
"Reflection is one of the most underused yet powerful tools for success."
Richard Carlson
Since Hurricane Irma decided to pick on our house and drop a tree on it, being suddenly homeless without a home to go to has forced me to look back and reflect on my life.
Of course there are the obvious "why me" questions I usually ask God when things are not going right. Almost immediately, my thoughts turned to the reason why. I've always believed in fate and destiny, with everything happening for a reason.
Although The Captain goes home several times a week to meet with potential contractors, I have not returned to see the damage. For now, it is better to not be confronted with the coldness of my home being so damaged we can't live there.
Better is finding something positive in this drastic life experience. The most logical is to learn the lesson of patience, which I have none, but learning to deal with everything in a relatively calm manner. Through the years, I have been trying to learn how to deal with those things in life that can't be controlled. God just gave me a huge push to understand the importance of patience.
It could be that the "reason why" won't be revealed until it is supposed to come to light. Perhaps my future focus on life will be entirely different than it is today due to this experience . . . the new purpose I had been praying for.
Be careful what you pray for!
What have I learned in this month away from home? I didn't realize how much I love that house, even with the disorganization and chaos. It has been there for me since JR and I moved in on Christmas Eve of 1984. What a delightful Christmas present it was! Such a happy house . . . I had forgotten those magical days of promising new beginnings and starting a new adventure. It was my place to hide and find peace when JR died, holding so many happy memories of my past life, love, precious pets who touched my life so profoundly that have crossed Rainbow Bridge and the huge back yard garden that was once my sanctuary which has turned into an unruly forest.
The magic was gone and it turned into a roof over my head . . . ultimately, the leaky roof over my head. Like so many other things in life, I took my sweet little house for granted.
The damage has not been fully assessed since there are areas that can't be reached until the tree is off the house.
I have no idea if any of this makes sense, even to me . . . but at least I am ready to confront the "reason why" this happened to us and none of our neighbors. God has the plan and the reason why.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Fate, destiny and being alone
The following post was written at a time of missing JR so bad, feeling so alone, but having the faith that I would find love again, I was ready . . . I could feel my new love and that is so very special . . . a confirmation that you know that you know and have no doubt about your feelings, holding on to all the patience, hope and faith that everything will work out since it is meant to be.
September 13, 2007
Alone . . . it is how things are meant to be for me at this time and place on my path. Prayers sooth my soul. Patience is what I ask for . . . I know this is where I am supposed to be . . . it doesn't matter how I feel, how anxious I am or how much I "want" . . . what I want doesn't matter.
After much contemplation and prayer, I envision "alone" as sitting on that bench on the beach . . . not a bad thing at all. Two months ago to this date I sat on that very bench gazing into the horizon, the glistening blue water, felt the wind blowing through my hair, with a cup of coffee in my hand, total peace in my head, contentment in my heart . . . I was totally alone and completely happy.
I was one with nature, talking to God, vowing to turn my life over to him to do as he will with the time I have left on this earth. What I was left with is the sound of two lonely hearts beating . . . I know I'm not to be alone much longer.
This is a time of healing, of gathering my thoughts and everything together, like getting ready to entertain and have a party . . . the table must be set, everything must be perfect for him. Time will do that for both of us. He knows I'm here and I know he's there . . . he feels me and I feel him . . . our eyes have not yet met.
Alone . . . this is how it feels to be at a crossroads of life, impatiently frustrated one day, positively anticipating destiny the next . . . and somewhere in between is lunacy, madness . . . a state of limbo and numbness.
I'm getting my life in order and he is doing what he has to do to prepare for me in his life too. Destiny awaits . . . the beat of my lonely heart feels the beat of your heart, I can hear you breathing with a sigh of the wind my love . . . you are so near, yet still so far away . . . but I'll wait as I pray for patience. You were made for me and I'm feeling you.
And all the hearts in all creation
Another story there to be told"
And we will have our happy song to sing . . .
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Getting the groove back
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Life
"Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it."
Friday, July 18, 2014
Change . . . and the comfort zone
In bad times, the comfort zone is a place to heal and feel safe when we feel the ravages of life beating on us like the waves on the ocean. There have been many times in my life when the “comfort zone” was the only place for me to be.
Like everything in life . . . there is a time and place for everything in moderation.
The way of change for me has been intensive thinking and writing . . . and changes must happen incrementally for them to be effective because of the challenges I have faced in the past. Most of my life challenges came upon me suddenly, all at one time, and called for drastic life changes as well as personal changes . . . most of them emotional and involved the death of my spouse.
The emotions and changes have been convoluted to say the least, sometimes one would collide with the other. Hence the need for incremental changes in my case.
I've momentarily lost my comfort zone . . . and I am feeling lost.
Writing about my emotions and keeping a journal to record emotional progress is one of the greatest tools I have found to cope with life changes on the road back to “peace, love and happiness” . . .
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Love will change us forever . . .
Another post that I'm transferring from an old blog that reminds me that some things don't change . . . I was thinking about how love has changed my life once again . . . and how some things haven't changed.
Originally posted on
The past couple of days I have focused on becoming a widow/widower.
Anyway . . . I had to stop what I was doing and write this blog post. My inner sign that it is time for life's reflections . . . "therapy" time . . . and a visit with my Bloggerville buddies. One thing I have fondly realized is the difference the love and support I have received from my online friends has changed me forever. No longer do I feel alone in my struggle to move on and deal with the abrupt changes in my life . . . angels surround me.
Being an extremely spiritual person, I am ashamed to admit that I constantly ask "why me" . . . and go through the phase of being so angry at God that it is difficult to pray and be thankful for anything. That attitude doesn't help anyone and finally I am breaking through this "pity" phase. It is emotionally unhealthy and extremely unproductive.
It does not matter "why me" . . . it is what it is . . . "this is it from now on" . . . and I have had to deal with it.
Being angry at God will not bring my husband back.
It is not a soap opera . . . it is real life, as much as it sometimes sucks.
What I ultimately decided what to do with the tragic changes in my life is be grateful for what I do have, cherish the beautiful memories of the most wonderful marriage and unconditional love anyone could ever experience . . . for 22 years . . . and use those beautiful memories and lessons learned to create another beautiful time in my life.
Nothing will ever be the same again,
but I now see it as an exciting chapter
in my life that is yet to be written . . .
Friday, December 6, 2013
Unrealistic Expectations
Most women are guilty of unrealistic expectations when looking for love and forever . . . aren't we?
Although we know for a fact that Prince Charming does not exist, we still search for him. If the expectation is to find a man who has the traits we most look for in a man, good looks, humorous, stable, patient, trusting and loyal (I know I am leaving out many more), we may as well be looking for that magic carpet that will take us off into the sunset.
through crap. Thanks but you don't have to have bad stuff happen to you to make feel better so stop it, LOL!