"Endings became beginnings without my expressed permission. ‘Take that’, it said."
Excerpt from "A Widows Dream" which is included in this post
Surviving the loss of a spouse is an emotional journey. The quote I opened this post with tells it all. Endings become beginnings.
The Christmas holidays always take me on nostalgic trips to my past, some good, some bad.
For those who have lost a spouse, I highly recommend following The Modern Widows Club. Through the years, it has been a source of comfort. There is something about reading about the experiences and thoughts of other widows.
Other widows have experienced many of the highs and lows one goes through when a spouse passes on. The person you made a lifetime commitment to is gone, never to return. When I think about what I have experienced, it still takes my breath away.
To say when JR first died that I was scared is an understatement. For me, it was total shock . . . it was a fear that came in waves of disbelief, like it was a nightmare I just needed to wake up from.
He was seemingly healthy, came home from work one night, ended up in the emergency room with chest pains and died the next morning. I didn't get to say goodbye.
He had barely entered his 40's . . .
It was like a tornado came through and swept me away to parts unknown.
The first days were almost unbearable and I had a very difficult time getting my grip on life back. Sometimes I think I never got it back completely even though I have moved on with a very happy life with The Captain.
Endings do become beginnings and life CAN be happy again, but not without a lot of pain along the way. It is a journey of courage to begin life again, whether you were ready for it or not. Trigger days still haunt me, creeping up on me when I think I have my emotions under control and least expect it.
I started this blog to share my experience with other widows and those grieving loved ones.
Grief is like a thief in the night.
Only those who have truly gone through it understand what I'm saying.
The following post hit so close like nothing I've ever read before. I know other widows will find themselves in the words that follow . . .
A Widow’s Dream
- Despite what you might think, I haven’t lost all my dreams.
- Although the biggest dream I had was to grow old, crazy in love, to laugh away the hours seated beside each other in two cozy rocking chairs.
- When you lose your dreams, it’s gut wrenching. It’s a ship without a harbor. Hear me out.
- When someone dies who is tethered to your dreams, it’s god-forsakenly unfathomable.
- It takes your very breath away, the wind out of your sails and the simplest joy out of life.
- It stuns and shocks. It stumbles and falls. It’s silent and it screams.
- Endings became beginnings without my expressed permission. ‘Take that’, it said.
- It beckons me to question everything and nothing. It makes no sense.
- It’s the hardest medicine to swallow for what ails my tender broken heart.
- Dreams are made for the future, and our future just completed its circle of life.
- New dreams and circles begin as a white sheet, a never ending road, a blank chalk board, a flowing river, a narrow trail or an empty computer screen.
- It’s a reset I resent. It’s a grudge I must face. It’s a new I dislike. Oh, it’s so very true.
- But it’s also a doorway, a threshold, a chapter, a page, a new me opportunity. A curiosity.
- That new me dream lurks in front of me without a hint of forecast, certainty, direction or knowing.
- I’m scared. Oh my gosh, I actually said that. I thought I knew where I was headed but now….
- Everything I once knew for sure is no longer. Dreams feel far, far away at the edge of existence and yet, I know they are somehow entangled in this first courageous push away from the shore of my unfulfilled dreams.
- I must take into the future a dream of my own, a blank space to be filled with…..something, somewhere, someone, somehow, someway.
- I will use all my determination, commitment, resilience, creativity, consciousness, knowledge, heart, kindness and humble energy to take me there. I’ll also use my anger, bitterness, grief, uncertainty, negativity and I’ll turn it ALL into fuel that propels my journey.
- It’s all fuel. It’s all me. It’s all good. It’s here to teach me that dreams are for the seaworthy.
- I will not allow grief and a lost dream to keep me tied onto the shore of my beautiful past.
- That is a promise I intend to keep. A link I plan to create. An empowering link- not to an anchor of my lost dream, but as a resilient vessel moored to the possibility of ‘new me’ dreams on the horizon.
Please be extra patient with me as I set outward bound on this journey sunrise to sunset. I’m getting there. Especially during these holidays, which are unchartered territory for me.
Carolyn Moor
MWC Founder
http://modernwidowsclub.org
