Fear and Emotional Honesty

It is sad to live in a world where honesty is feared.  People are nosy by nature and always want to know "why" for so many things.  The tendency to pry into the life of one who is not so easy to get close to is a sure way to make them run away and never come back.

What does that have to do with emotional honesty?

"Being honest in a relationship means you tell the truth. 

If you are lying, that puts a barrier between you and the other person. 

Maybe ask yourself the reason you are lying. 

Are you hiding who you truly are? 

Are you hiding because of your own judgments or is it really likely that the other person will reject or criticize you if they know the truth? 

If you are lying, then the relationship loses intimacy and safety.

Being honest doesn’t mean the same as passing judgement or making assumptions or giving an unsolicited opinion. Being honest is not saying something hurtful because you are hurt. Being honest means you express your emotions accurately and in a loving way. You stay on the same side. You don’t blame, name-call, or use the relationship to control what the other person does. Emotional honesty, factual honesty and respect support and nurture loving connections."

Source

The above is an excerpt from an article published by Psych Central, "Four Characteristics of Soul-Fulfilling Relationships" written by Karyn Hall, PhD.

Even a "little white lie" can chip away at trust in a relationship.  A lie is a lie is a lie . . . a betrayal, no matter how small or large.

When someone lies to me, the first question that usually comes to mind is "why did they tell the lie to begin with."  It continues from there . . . "How many times have they lied . . ."  I could go on and on.

Half truths are much like lies.  My intuition always tells me when something important is being swept under the rug.  Those things that are under that rug can start a roller coaster ride that sometimes goes out of control.  Trust flies out the window . . . and it also depends on the type of relationship you have with this person.

On the flip side . . . I started this post about fear of honesty.  It has been my experience that people in general are very insensitive and love to judge others. Maybe it makes them feel better about themselves.

Call it paranoia, but in the past I have been so judged about my varying phobias and how I deal with them that I have gotten to where I don't want any new friends and having to "explain" why I can't do this or that.  It isn't worth it anymore.

I recently arranged to meet up with a childhood friend at a restaurant close to home and my "comfort zone."  We lost contact with each other after high school.  Actually, I was feeling pretty positive about seeing her again.  Then I got the message that her husband wanted to meet half way.  That place would have taken me way past my comfort zone and I just didn't want to explain why I could not comply with the request that, under normal circumstances would be considered reasonable.  

So, I cancelled and deactivated my Facebook account so I would not be asked to explain with all the dreaded questions about "why" . . . which leads to judging and even more questions that make me so uncomfortable.  Yes, I know she now thinks I am nuts, but probably would not have understood my issues anyway.  So I ran away from it.

In this case, honesty would have taken me to an all familiar uncomfortable place from my recent past that I don't want to be at again.  I'd rather not have new friends.

Most people don't "get" phobias and I'm tired of explaining them.  Just when I think I am managing better and take steps to move on, a situation arises to make me take many steps back.

It all makes me sad . . .

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Relationship Red Flags

We all have our "frying pan moments" . . . some more than others.  No two people get along so perfectly as to never have them.

In my opinion, a great open and honest discussion over issues we don't agree on is healthy.  After all, how else would you really know how that person you are sharing your life with is feeling about issues important to you?  

When the great discussion turns into a full blown frying pan moment, a lack of communication can make the difference and result in not so pleasant consequences, the silent treatment or a routine happy day.  

That brings me to the purpose of this post, which was inspired by an article in Psychology Today on the topic of relationship red flags.  The following list is from that article with some excerpts.

1. Lack of communication . . . be open and honest!
2. Irresponsible, immature, and unpredictable. Some people have trouble mastering basic life skills and may still be working on growing up. In other words, it may be hard to rely on them for almost anything.
3. Lack of trust. 
4. Significant family and friends don’t like your partner. 
5. Controlling behavior. 
6. Feeling insecure in the relationship. You may often feel that you don’t know where you stand in a relationship.  Follow your gut instinct with this one!  A good relationship should not make you have these feelings.
7. A dark or secretive past.
8. Non-resolution of past relationships. 
9. The relationship is built on the need to feel needed. If this dynamic is the focal point of a relationship, however, there may be little room for real growth, individually or as a couple.
10. Abusive behavior. Verbal, emotional, psychological, and certainly physical—is not just a red flag but a huge banner telling you to get out immediately and never look back.

A red flag is a good intuitive image to help you process what you’re really feeling. At the end of a difficult relationship, people often say, “He (or she) told me who he (or she) was at the very beginning, but I just didn’t listen.”

Learn to trust what you feel. Your hunch is probably right.

Click here to read the complete article.

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Do It Anyway

Since I have had a case of the blahs and have been

 writing negative posts, I thought I would post

 something positive from Mother Theresa.

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

(Mother Teresa)

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The foundation of a great relationship

Love is not enough.

It must be the foundation.

The beginning and the end.

Everything or nothing.

And nothing without truth.

Author unknown

I want to take a part of the storyline from one of my favorite movies, "The Wedding Singer" to illustrate what I want to talk about . . . Trust, loyalty, respect in a relationship. Although I am speaking romantically, it also pertains to all types of relationships in life.

It is how we should treat any other fellow human being, no matter how much money they have, where they are born, what color their skin is, or what they do for a living.

RESPECT

A quick synopsis of the movie

The time is the mid 80’s . . . Robbie Hart is a wannabe rock-star, but in reality, he is New Jersey’s favorite wedding singer . . . the life of the party, that is, until his own fiancée leaves him at the altar. 
Heartbroken and dejected, Robbie can’t help but make every wedding he plays a disaster. Along comes Julia, a waitress who wins his affection. Problem . . . Julia is about to be married to a Wall Street shark. Robbie must pull off the performance of his life or the girl of his dreams will marry the shark who is all wrong for her.

Julia’s fiance was a cool guy with the good job, has money, dresses nice, drives an awesome car, he’s drop dead gorgeous and . . . oh yeah, he is already cheating on Julia before they are even married just because he can.

She feels it, she knows it . . . she’s not madly in love with him . . . so really, what difference does it make? He’ll give her a comfortable life.

But wait!

Isn’t that what is wrong with this world? We settle for what is going to be tolerable and comfortable, but not what is going to make us deliriously happy to want to jump out of bed everyday to a beautiful new day because we are so in love and so happy with our life?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH WAITING FOR THAT?

Why is does it seem that everything
is all about the money?

But I digress . . . I wanted to talk about honesty in a relationship. Why can’t people be honest anymore? Why is there always a hidden agenda of some kind? Don’t people want to simply be happy anymore? Is happiness, respect and decency coming second to whatever else is more important?

I don’t understand . . .
what could be more important than that?

And what about living a lie? Don’t people have a conscience that they can tell a lie so easily and be so dishonest? Don’t they have a problem looking at themselves in the mirror and looking at someone who is actually betraying themselves by telling lies? 

We answer to God and he knows . . .

Maybe that is why JR and I had such a great marriage.  We were totally honest with each other . . . sometimes I wondered if it was such a good idea to be so honest, but in the long run, it was the good thing to do. We had total respect for each other as individuals, as two human beings living sharing our time together on earth in peace and harmony, respecting each other and doing the best we could to make the other happy.

The Captain and I have both brought emotional baggage to our new marriage.  However, past lessons can make our present lives so much happier.   Working through all the little things that two people encounter with total honesty when they first come together is so very important in building the foundation for an awesome relationship.

The good thing about second marriages . . . you know what NOT to do.  

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Communicating honestly

Graphics by Gina Alfani  

Not settling for less than what you desire from your relationships can be the equivalent of walking a tightrope.  It is a delicate balance . . .

Have you ever "inserted foot into mouth"?  I've often wondered where that saying came from, but I have definitely been there and done that!

Speaking the truth requires guidance from within before "inserting foot into mouth" and ending up creating conflict or tension as a result of saying something off the top of our head and overlooking another person's feelings.

Don't we sometimes sacrifice our own truth for fear of hurting someone's feelings or starting a conflict?  At that point, we are not being true to ourselves . . . tipping that delicate balance and creating another type of imbalance within ourselves.

Living with integrity and behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values, speaking in a compassionate, straightforward manner will ultimately result in becoming less guarded about our feelings and those of others.  

By all means, communicate honestly and speak the truth, however, be conscious of how you communicate those truths with others.

Always be true to yourself!

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Looking for Mr. Rock My World

Maxine must have tried an online dating service!

Since becoming a widow, I have ventured out a few times into the world of internet dating. The optimum words . . . a few times.

In my quest for peace, love and happiness, I sometimes think that my life would be enhanced by finding that special person to spend the rest of my life with again . . . or at least find a compatible companion . . . maybe even a friend with benefits.

Since all of my time is spent online . . . it is where I work, make money, socialize and learn . . . well, I figured I could find someone special online too.

There is one problem . . . human nature to make yourself look better than you actually look.

Ummmmmm, like using photos from 20 years ago or telling a little fib about your real age. Why lie? You will eventually meet and disappoint the other person, rather than being true to who you really are. That is starting off on the wrong foot.

Online dating services have worked for some . . . I have heard the beautiful and romantic stories. But for me it has been a waste of my time as far as making a local romantic connection, although I have made some awesome online friends from all over the world.

If my destiny is to have another Mr. RockMyWorld in my life, I will have to run into him at the grocery store . . . I’m not looking anymore! Casual dating is not on my path to peace, love and happiness . . . I’d rather be alone than play the games out in that jungle.

But . . . never say never!

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Honesty and untruths

People grow through experience if they
meet life honestly and courageously.
This is how character is built.

(Eleanor Roosevelt)

Honesty is at the core of peace, love and happiness. Anything built upon lies, deceit and dishonesty has no strength of true substance.

It is safe to say that there are times we’ve all had to be courageous and honestly admit a mistake or disclose facts that are none too flattering. Doing the honorable thing is not always the comfortable thing to do.

No man has a good enough memory
to make a successful liar.

(Abraham Lincoln)

Lies and untruths will open up a can of worms that keep multiplying and could become overwhelming and difficult to keep up with. Then what happens when everything is tripped up in lies? The implication in Lincoln’s quote was well said.

Why bother not telling the truth? Isn’t honesty easier in the long run? Circumstances, situations, events, facts, etc. are what they are . . . why try to change it and make the attempt to keep track of all the untruths?

Living a lie is not real and leads to the opposite of peace.

Murderers, thieves and scammers have to live with themselves. I often wonder how they cope with all those negatives vibes within themselves . . . or even feel true happiness and peace of mind.

Is it possible to be human and not have a conscience?

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