My life has been like a roller coaster for as far back as when my Nana passed away when I was a young adult. It seems like I am always in the "learning how to live again without you" stage.
The hardest one is dealing with the decision to put Kiki to sleep. The devastating emotional decision came too soon after The Captain passed away and I became a true hermit.
Kiki was all the emotional support I needed and took comfort in her sweetness like when she'd put her paw on me, letting me know that she was here for me, or the look in her eyes that could talk to me without words. I depended on that love and comfort too much and loved her as much as I would have loved my own child that I never had. Signing that paper was the worse thing I have ever had to do in my whole life.
I know that I did a good thing for her since the vet told me she was so sick and loved her enough to not want her to go through pain. But making the decision to let her go is still haunting me, some days worse than others. At least I am experiencing decent days and am so grateful for finally having those days.
Now I am learning how to live alone while learning to live without those loved ones who are no longer with me. It is definitely a roller coaster of emotions. Interacting with others has become difficult for me since, at this time of my life, I have nothing to say to anyone. Look at my blog since The Captain passed away. I miss him terribly, the emotions are raw and I find it difficult to even want to speak to anyone at this time.
Once again, I am on medication for my anxiety after trying to live without it. Now I am trying a different one that works better.
My mom was recently back in town and I actually drove a short distance. It was not a complete success, although I did get out and even went to a restaurant twice. So I have made some progress even though there were some failures involved that have affected me negatively.
It is all good . . . progress is progress!
