Who Am I?

"Please . . . tell me who you are and
what you want. And if you think those are
simple questions, keep in mind that most
people live their entire lives without
 arriving at an answer."

Gary Zukav

These are questions I constantly ask myself.  The answer varies every day.

In our lifetime, the perspective of identity and what we want out of life change and go through many phases.

Since retiring, I understand some of what I've heard about retirees.  They are lost, they lose their identity and don't know what to do with all that time on their hands.  On the extreme side of what I've heard . . . many people die shortly after retiring.

When my first husband died, I lost my identity in the world of being part of a married couple since the status of my world had entirely changed.  Having said that, I was somewhat prepared for the world of retirement and not having things that had to be done, sometimes at a certain time and place.

Since The Captain has also retired, I am not alone in the quest of our place in the world.  It is a very exciting journey to start all over again with all the awesome possibilities.  At this time, we are still pondering the questions, but enjoying the down time.

All I can say is that I am thoroughly enjoying the freedom of not having to do whatever or having to be at a certain place at a certain time.  

Time to go after another dream!

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Relate to yourself

Relate to yourself through your journal

 "To write spiritually is to engage in a search for authentic language. You’ll find your truth by writing your way to it." 

-- Patrice Vecchione 

Who would allow you to totally ignore, abuse, laugh with, swear at, shed tears on, get angry at and be totally honest with him/her?

 Your journal does. 

Your journal is an unconditional friend. It does not reject, manipulate, judge, laugh at or ridicule you. It’s always there for you. So be honest with your best friend and it will help you discover who you are.

"The positive thing about writing is that you connect with yourself in the deepest way, and that's heaven. You get a chance to know who you are, to know what you think. You begin to have a relationship with your mind."

-- Natalie Goldberg

Source: Soul Journey

I've gotten away from writing in my journal, which could attribute to my lost feelings through another time of transformation and changes.

My journal is the one place I can truly be honest about everything, allowing me to be my true, authentic self.

Life is ever-changing.  Transitions can be slow, but continual . . . giving the illusion of standing still.  But nothing or no one stands completely still.  Time will eventually find you at a place you don't recognize, can't relate to . . . leaving that feeling of being lost.

Keeping a journal was the best tool found by way of my therapy sessions.  Even in times of change and confusion, I knew how I was feeling about everything, with a sketchy map of the path out of that place.

As The Captain and I define the rest of our lives professionally, I keep asking myself what would truly make me happy in the quest of a successful way to making a living.  Honestly, I really don't know . . . and once again, I am grateful that I have the opportunity to find out, but it is going to take serious soul searching to come up with the thing that will make me truly happy.  

All I know at this time is that whatever I end up doing will involve using my creativity and at the same time keeping in mind that the economy really sucks.  

This post just proved that by putting thoughts in writing, I have defined two starting points in my quest . . . what can I do creatively that will prove to be worth my while monetarily in poor economic times . . . the variables being creativity and poor economic times.  I feel a little less lost already!

As you find yourself in times of confusion, life changes and transition, try writing your thoughts in a journal or start a blog (they can be private).  In the past, my grateful posts were the most insightful for me.  It is important to just get in touch with your thoughts and feelings.

Lesson learned!  

Time to relate to myself again!

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Unresolved issues

My intention was to get back into full swing with blogging again, but I'm still lacking focus and concentration due to all that has gone on with The Captain's surgery, his recovery and life in general.  

Best way I can describe it . . . 

I'm feeling numb.

There are so many unresolved issues buzzing around in my thoughts that I need to sort out and I haven't been able to deal with them.  

Since I quit working, I've not been able to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life professionally.  What would make me happy?  I honestly don't know . . . however, doing nothing has left a void within me that can't be filled by merely being a housewife.  

I'm a doer who hasn't been doing

 and feeling a little lost!

It really isn't about money, except that I have a need to feel like I'm contributing to the household financially.  My dad did a good job drilling the financial contribution thing in my head when I was very young.  He would be disappointed in me . . .

Today would have been my wedding anniversary with JR . . . it is one of those grief trigger days that makes me sad.  It is so ironic to feel this way in the midst of one of my happiest times since The Captain came into my life.  

I'm really happy and other than these emotional issues, my life is as near perfect as I have ever imagined.  

So . . . what's the problem?  

I'm constantly asking myself!

There are so many people out there

 in this world with REAL problems

 and that realization makes

 me feel so guilty!

Needless to say, high anxiety has continued

 to plague me and it feels like depression

 has started to set in again.  

There is a fine line between anxiety and depression . . . sometimes it is difficult to know when one filters into the other.

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Transition and fear

“Cause you could spend your life
Lookin’ for your own reflection
Time could blur the lines
Between what’s real
And what’s projected
Had I known what I lost?
What I gained, what it’d cost
I’d still give what remains
To be myself again”

from the song
Be Myself Again
by Donna Summer

My emotions have been all over the place with that displaced feeling of not knowing where I belong in this world and looking in the mirror and not knowing who I am. It is one of those times in life when we momentarily take the liberty of losing ourselves in the midst of a bad situation.

Emotions play a big part of who we are and I am very good at masking my emotions to the point of not recognizing myself. Haven’t we all been here at one stage or another of our lives?

I held my emotions long enough to make rational decisions about my future and it all hit me . . . the stress of past months. I’ve been there before when keeping it together through one of life's awful circumstance and have allowed myself to fall apart after it was done. Sometimes the strength we possess is amazing.

Tears are a cleansing of the soul when an emotional surge is needed to express those things held inside too long. Now my strength has been renewed by emotions that were as temporary waves, ridden out through a safe harbor within.

Times of change and transition bring out all types of emotions. My boyfriend describes how I am feeling as being "conflicted." He's right . . . as I ponder my present life circumstance today, fear compounded with anger . . . the fear of change and fear of the coming days grip me at this moment. Fear of the unknown is what would best describe what most people going through a life transition experience.

When you face your fear, most of the time you will discover that it was not really such a big threat after all. We all need some form of deeply rooted, powerful motivation . . . it empowers us to overcome obstacles so we can live our dreams. (Les Brown)

We are called to be architects of the future, not its victims. (R. Buckminster Fuller)

Experience is all we have to learn and grow through. Change is currently a major part of that experience. If there were no change there would be no growth. If there is no growth there is only stagnation. (Athene Raefiel)

Psychology Today describes fear as "a vital response to physical and emotional danger—if we couldn't feel it, we couldn't protect ourselves from legitimate threats. But often we fear situations that are in no way life-or-death, and thus hang back for no good reason. Traumas or bad experiences can trigger a fear response within us that is hard to quell. Yet exposing ourselves to our personal demons is the best way to move past them."

Lyrics

Be Myself Again | Donna Summer

Let me introduce myself

I'm a woman that you've never seen

You might know me from somewhere else

As someone that I've never been

I gave everything to play the game

My soul fell apart at the seams

I fell down like a house of cards

When somebody pulled the queen

'Cause you could spend your life

Lookin for your own reflection

Time could blur the lines

Between what's real and what's projected

Had I known

What I lost

What I gained

What it'd cost

I'd still give what remains

To Be Myself Again

You must believe me when I say

Don't live someone else's design

Turn it around like a photograph

The writings been there all the time

Now you can have all these

Hopes and dreams

The ones I can't use anymore

I don't know what it is you lost

But I hope you got what you came for

'Cause you could spend your life

Looking for your own reflection

Time could blur the lines

Between what's real and what's projected

Had I known

What I lost

What I gained

What it'd cost

I'd still give what remains

To Be Myself Again

Sometimes I want to leave right now

Sometimes I want to cry out loud

I want to let it all hang out

But I don't want to let you down

Sometimes I want to just lay here

Sometimes I want to disappear

I want to show you all my fear

But I don't want to let you down

'Cause you could spend your life

Looking for your own reflection

Time could blur the lines

Between what's real and what's projected

Had I known

What I lost

What I gained

What it'd cost

I'd still give what remains

To Be Myself Again

To Be Myself Again

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Feeling lost

"When we are lost, we typically look at a map to figure out where we are and how to get to our chosen destination. This works well, assuming that there is a map of the territory in which we find ourselves, and assuming that we know our destination. However, this is not always the case. At this time in human history, we are all venturing into uncharted territory, whether we know it or not. And as individuals, we may find ourselves covering ground that our predecessors never even knew existed. When we look to them for guidance, they often come up short. Not knowing exactly where we are, we find ourselves unsure of which way to go, and eventually the uneasy feeling that we are lost presents itself.

The beauty of being lost is the same thing that makes it scary—it asks us to look within ourselves to find the way. If we have no map, we must go on instinct, relying on our inner compass to show us which way to go. This can be scary because so much seems to be riding on it. We fear we might go too far in the wrong direction, or become paralyzed and make no progress at all. And yet, this is the very challenge we need to develop our ability to trust ourselves. We are also learning to trust that the universe will support and guide us. We may believe this intellectually, but it is only through experience that it becomes knowledge of the heart. Learning to be okay with being lost and trusting that we will be guided, we begin our journey.

We can support ourselves by confirming that we don’t need to know exactly where we are going in order to take our first steps. We are learning to feel our own way, rather than following an established path, and in doing so we learn to trust ourselves. It is this trust that connects us to the universe and reminds us that no matter how lost we feel, and even as we journey, on the inner level we are already home."

Source: Daily Om

I couldn't say it better myself.

Sometimes the words and emotions are difficult to express.

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