Front Row Seat Relationships

"Not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives. There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. 

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention. 

Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you? 

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life."

Author Unknown

My life has been blessed and cursed with various friendships and acquaintances through the years.

Some can't even be categorized as a relationship . . . they were acquaintances that were evil and vicious, harsh lessons in life that are unfortunately necessary.  One in particular was a family member.

Many of you will wonder why I feel those relationships were necessary.  For one thing, I think these relationships make us stronger and help us recognize what is good vs evil in our relationships, even at an early age.

Those who were evil and vicious to me confused me in my younger days, wondering what I did to make them act toward me in that manner.  There were times I blamed myself for doing "something" I didn't understand.  As a result, it is my belief I became a better person for it . . . a kinder person who didn't want to make someone else feel that awful feeling I experienced.

My nature was way too trusting, even as I grew into early adulthood, when I was handed the most vicious acts of evil from those I grew to trust the most.  I was crushed.  The result was trust issues in future relationships.

That is how we form the way we react to people in general, by life experience.  Unfortunately for me, it left me with a strong distrust for my fellow human beings, no matter what my intuition told me.  For various reasons, to this day, I still don't trust my intuition completely.

My close and trusted friendships are few, but strong and very special.  I'm sorry to say that most of my truest and trusted friends have passed away recently.

I've learned to leave new friendships at arm's length and slowly work my way into strengthening the relationship.  I quickly recognize the ones that will be a draining experience, negative or downright incompatible.  As harsh as it may sound, they are discarded from my life like the morning trash.

I no longer work in my former profession that I loved and cherished so much  because of office politics . . . I just can't handle it, although some of my best friends were once co-workers.

The ones that grow into close and trusted friendships are cherished like the jewels they are.  They are my front row seat relationships, of which I include many family members, but not all.  

Those who have been discarded don't even sit in the balcony . . . my theater does not have a balcony.  There is only room in my theater for MY drama.

Life experience has taught me who is worthy and who is not.

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Friends and the comfort zone

Kindness in your eyes

I guess you heard me cry

You smiled at me

Like Jesus to a child

I'm blessed I know

Heaven sent and heaven stole

You smiled at me like

Jesus to a child

And what have I learned

From all this pain

I thought I'd never feel the same

About anyone or anything again

But now I know

Lyrics from the song
George Michael - Jesus to a Child

The following post was written in 2007, back in the day when Yahoo 360 was a popular place and a really tight community for bloggers . . . we were there for each other through good and bad times.
After reading this post again after a long time has passed, I realized that in those days, my blogging friends and computer were my comfort zone within the larger comfort zone of my home where I didn't feel like a freak of nature.
I haven't read this post in quite some time and the comments and the people behind those comments also made me realize so many things.  Real friends don't have to be friends you have known in your real life for many years . . . my "friends without faces" as I have referred to them in the past were more of a friend to me than those who had been in my real life a long time.  I'm so glad I saved those comments with the posts . . . you can see how awesome and important these people were in my life at that time.  It makes me sad that Yahoo decided to pull the plug on the blogging community and many of us lost touch with each other.  Many are still my blogging friends!  One of them recently passed away and I mourned for her and cried as if I knew her in real life, but I probably knew her better than I would have in real life.
One of the themes of this post is a social disorder that I was afflicted with and still struggle with at times . . . agoraphobia.  I was surprised to find that I was not alone in my lonely world as a result.
Thank God I have progressed way past those emotions I had to deal with and get through to get where I am today.  It was like learning to walk all over again . . . by the way, my husband was once one of those "friends without faces" in my life.  Isn't the internet wonderful?

ORIGINALLY POSTED on Yahoo 360
September 9, 2007
comments from my original entry follow this entry


Into how little space can a soul be crushed?

Some days are better than others, but for the longest time I've felt like my spirit has been broken, sometimes feeling crushed beyond hope . . . but I know better.

Life circumstances sometimes bring reactions that we aren't always proud of in a weakened state, but there nonetheless. My demon is agoraphobia . . . a nice way to describe it is to say that I strongly dislike leaving the comfort of my home.

People from all walks of life are afflicted with this phobia that is a most misunderstood condition, unless you have gone through the experience, it is very difficult to comprehend how someone who is otherwise quite "normal" has a problem walking out the door.

My doctor gave it a name . . . social anxiety disorder. I don't agree with her diagnosis. While I don't enjoy being a social butterfly and am naturally a laid back type of person, when confronted with social situations, I am fine. I don't freak out around people . . . in fact I find myself starting conversations in the grocery checkout line and rarely find myself without something to say around people. My past employment constantly threw me into social situations and dealing with people non-stop . . . and I excelled at what I did.

I just prefer being in the comfort of my home, not necessarily alone, but very picky about who I spend time with. It is not a fear of open spaces which is how agoraphobics are usually described. And I can leave if I absolutely have to . . . with me, it is not total paralysis in the situation.

Friends have let me down and have hurt me since JR passed away. My mom warned me that my "friend status" would change real quick as a widow . . . she went through it when my dad passed away. Every word she said was true. Every single one of my friendships changed in one way or another. As the saying goes, you find out who your friends are in times of need and bad circumstances.

All of the above, along with the need to analyze my life, think about what I really want and need, who I want in my life, what I want to do with my life, what makes me happy . . . it leaves me preoccupied most of the time . . . thinking, thinking, thinking . . . WAY TOO MUCH!

As a result, I have shut people out of my life . . . I'd rather be alone. I'd rather not be bothered by hypocracy . . . maybe it is not a healthy way to look at it, but for me it is the reality of how it is.

The feeling of being perpetually lonely, even in a crowd of people is my reality . . . so my 360 friendships have become special beyond explanation since I'm not lonely when I'm online. I don't have to be lonely because my online friendships give me exactly what I need at this time in my life. No longer do I feel alone.

Although it has been five years since JR died, it does not feel abnormal to need this time for self-analysis and figuring out what I want for my life.

Apparently, I'm in good company. This line of thinking started last week, when Paula Deen, one of the Food Network stars was on Larry King's show. Here is her story:

Agoraphobia with panic attacks. In her early 20's, Paula Deen began experiencing symptoms of agoraphobia after a number of major stressful events. Eventually, she became homebound. "After we moved into an apartment, I began to feel safe only within the walls of our home. It wasn't long before I stopped doing anything that required me leave the house. I was a prisoner. Even the very thought of having to leave this safety zone drove me into a horrible panic attack." After the family moved to another city, Deen found herself so panicky that she couldn't leave her bed. She eventually worked her way out of it without therapy or medication.

Kim Basinger about her bout with agoraphobia . . . "I've had my downs, but with a little faith and a big sense of humor, you can get though them. It's truly a gift to visit the bottom because then you know how much to appreciate coming out of that and not wanting to go back there. There's a great lesson to learn on the other side of the tunnel, and you really come out stronger." In spite of the severity of her condition at times, Basinger leads a successful acting career, which includes an Academy Award. And that poor woman had to put up with Alec Baldwin who no doubt made a bad situation unbearable.

Clay Aiken, pop singer and former American Idol contestant, began experiencing panic attacks after the death of his stepfather. The attacks increased during Aiken's quick rise to fame, particularly when he had to make a public appearance. After trying a number of medications, Aiken has found Paxil to be helpful in managing the attacks.

Drew Barrymore long has been open about her personal struggles and publicly turned her life and career around after overcoming drug and alcohol addiction as a teen. In 2006, Barrymore opened up about her recent experiences with panic attacks and why she will not take medications to deal with them.

Donny Osmond . . . although he has been in front of the camera his entire life, he spent many years feeling anxious about it. The anxiety reached its peak in  1997 when Osmond was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. With professional help, Osmond learned to manage the disorder and is doing better than ever.

As I stand at another crossroads of my life, I need to make money and survive . . . either re-open the online stores, get a real job or a combination of both. Fear of failure in the workplace paralyzes me since I have a problem with insomnia combined with being agoraphobic. Failure crushes me . . . it is the one thing that will bring me down and keep me down and it absolutely can't happen. This I absolutely know about myself.

Please keep me in your prayers . . . it is time for me to make a definitive move towards my immediate future . . . I need to move from survival mode to a real life . . . the time is near . . .

If you feel lost or discontent within your life, not comfortable in your skin . . . the lifestyle of Simple Abundance, being grateful for the simple things in life may be what you need. The books I am using in the journey to my new life are listed on my book list. They are really helping me find my way . . .

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Ordinary world

What has happened to me?

Crazy, some would say

Where is the life that I recognize?

Gone away

lyrics from the song Ordinary World by Duran Duran

Many of my posts go back in time as I reorganize my journals. This entry was inspired by the featured song, Ordinary World recorded by Duran Duran. 

As I listened to music one lonely night in November several years ago, very depressed and still struggling with my new reality, feeling abandoned by everything that was normal in my ordinary world.

The dreaded holidays were approaching and I was feeling very alone in the world . . . they were no longer joyous for me and I wanted to hide. I spent the holidays completely alone that year . . . it is what I needed. Being around “normalcy” made me feel like more of a freak than I already did.

Dealing with grief is the hardest thing that we can do as humans . . . and it is my greatest hope to help others who are thinking they are going crazy as a result of changed life circumstances. Those who have lost their spouse go through a difficult time, some worse than others. He was my everything . . . and he took a part of me with him . . . life as I knew it was gone and everything changed.

I’ve finally admitted that my suicidal tendencies were screaming at me and seemed like a romantic fantasy . . . a way out of the eternal hell that was my life. Fighting them was a difficult endeavor, but I did. The words “this too shall pass” held my faith together to make it through another day, sometimes another moment.

It is taking me a very long time to come back to life, but I feel like I have truly moved on even if I have not moved on with a new partner . . . I’ve had to find myself all over again and my journey is still not over. Blogging and letting out my emotions into words has saved my life. Looking back helps to see the tremendous progress and gives me so much hope for the future.

I remember this night vividly . . . this song played over and over again, I wanted to feel all of the emotions I was feeling as I sat in my dark room, still a smoker, smoking one cigarette after another, a very strong rum and coke in the other hand. I didn’t stop until I drank myself to sleep.

My serious drinking days are over and I have been a non-smoker for over two years . . . I made it through those dark days and now I know I can make it through anything . . .


November . . . several years ago . . .

I am learning how to survive alone in this world as a widow . . . it isn’t always easy, mainly it is a lonely existence I didn’t in my wildest dreams expect to ever be in. My life was set . . . my ordinary world was perfect for me . . . I was happy, so content in my paradise with the man that I committed my life to so many years before. Where is the world I recognize?

It is like a distant memory after all these years . . . almost surreal, like a dream . . . “Here today, forgot tomorrow.” This song brings those feelings of fading memories to mind. It is so sad how life goes on although it must . . . what is the alternative? A life of no life? No matter how difficult, one must move on . . . leaving what once was behind, looking back with melancholy memories.

What has happened to me? Where are my friends when I need them the most? My spirit has been broken, my friends changed as did my status as a person in this world. I was no longer a married lady . . . I was suddenly single in my ordinary world of married couples that I could no longer fit in with.

As I’ve tried to find my way to the "ordinary world," I’ve learned so much about people . . . about friends . . . about family . . . I’m learning how to survive on my own, alone, because no one is guaranteed to be there to help you do it . . . many run for fear you may need something from them. Let them run . . . I need strength, not fear . . . as I find the strength from within.

A favorite song is like an old friend, faithful and true . . . always there when you need it.  Today I needed to hear “Ordinary World” and contemplate on what the words of this song means to me.   It has always been one of my favorite songs from Duran Duran, however, I had never heard it in this way . . .

In the vacuum of my heart . . . still I can’t escape the ghost of my perfect past, but I can’t cry for yesterday, it is gone . . . never to return, somehow I have to find the strength to continue on my journey to my new life which will one day be my ordinary world . . . until then I feel like a lost soul, caught between three worlds . . . yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I can relate to the lyrics of this song so much it is almost scary to me . . . the irony of art imitating life. That is one of the things I love about music . . . it is an expression of life itself . . .

There is an ordinary world somehow I have to find . . .

Lyrics

Came in from a rainy Thursday
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly

I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can’t escape the ghost of you

What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some are saying
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away

But I won’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
“Pride will tear us both apart”
Well now pride’s gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart

What is happening to me?
Crazy, some’d say
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away

But I won’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk

And I don’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Every one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world
Every one Is my world

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Sign of the times

“Our lives improve only when we take chances . . .
and the first and most difficult risk we can take
is to be honest with ourselves.”

Walter Anderson

Seems like there is a trend in our society where difficult economic times are bringing friends and family together, helping each other out and binding us closer together.

Trying to decide how to cope and live without a steady stream of money from my eBay store and finally coming to terms with the fact that getting another job isn’t going to be as easy as it once was has been a harsh reality to face. The decision to move back in with mom is, in many ways, a step backward in the progress of moving on with my life as an independent individual . . . but it is called survival . . . and a sign of the time.

I’ve heard of many people making this type of change in their lifestyle and since making the decision to change mine, through endless hours, days and weeks of pondering my situation, I realized that our society could possibly be changing to one where we are moving closer to family and friends and slowing down to help one another.

Closer to becoming a less selfish society?

In this awful time of life circumstances so many of us find ourselves in, there is a silver lining and something positive to be gained from this “crisis” that has almost changed our world overnight.

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Another beautiful ending

Sometimes when I am feeling strong positive vibes with abounding faith, it seems like the powers that be want to test me.

One of my best friends died in an accident today . . . sudden death. At least it happened fast and he didn’t feel the trauma of death upon him, although he had an accident a couple of months ago that had him in rehabilitation for months. He was just starting to feel “normal” again.

When someone close to me dies suddenly, I go through the shock and asking God why. This guy was always the first one to help out his neighbors in a crisis. Just a week or so ago, he bought one of his friends a used car because “he needed it and didn’t have the means to buy it himself”. He was everyone’s angel who came to the rescue of anyone who needed assistance.

My husband now has one of his best friends to keep him company in heaven . . . two of the good guys while there are murderers, thieves, terrorists and bad people in general running around this earth.

Another beautiful ending in my life. While I know that God has his own plan, I am left to continue living this life with lots of faith that everything is going to be ok. 

Just the other night, we discussed the state of the world and he told me we would all be ok if we stuck together.  We all need angels too . . .

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