It has been a weird time. Yes, the silence is loud. Sometimes it is hard to breathe. I need to write and let this out, but I really don't know what to say. I'm enjoying being alone in my silence, but it would be great if he was here with me. Only him. God knows how much I miss him.
It was so good to finally see my family again after all these months, I missed them so much. However, words have been difficult to find and conversation is so difficult right now. The Captain and I were rarely without words. He is the only one I want to talk to, but I never will again.
Yes, it is a difficult time, but this too shall pass.
But really, do I have a choice?
I guess it was his birthday, a trigger day that started me on the roller coaster again. Just when I was starting to feel better.
I'm so tired of feeling better only to slip back into this funky phase of grief. The good thing is I have writing about it to help me get through the awful moments.
If it seems like I am ready to give up going on with my life and having a normal life again, the answer is hell no, I will never give up. I got through losing JR and I will get through losing The Captain. He taught me that life does go on . . . he made it possible for me to do so. It isn't easy, but life isn't easy.
Just like any other grief phase, it is not a good idea to try to ignore the trigger day or the affects of it. One must go through and feel the grief stages in order to get through the healing process. The difficulty is not knowing where the next grief hit is going to come from . . . a song, a place, a passing thought, a smell, food . . . anything really. One thing is for sure, there are times that everything is a reminder and know that it may throw you into survival mode, even if it is an old loss as well as a fresh one.
There is one thing I do to cope with trigger days . . . write your loved one a letter. Just as with journaling, the spontaneity of the writing will conjure up thoughts and feelings you never addressed. Those thoughts and feelings get me through trigger days, as well as good memories that I make an attempt to dwell on instead of how awful I am feeling at the moment. The great memories on trigger days for me are treasured gifts and I look at it as a pleasant way to honor the loved one. That is so important.
It is not easy, but I have learned coping mechanisms through over 20 years of grief phases from losing my first husband. It never goes away, but as time goes on it becomes easier to manage and tolerate the emotions.
Today I am experiencing The Captain's birthday, the first since he passed away. This trigger day is fresh and so very painful, but I'm making the attempt to use the coping mechanisms I have learned to get through this awful day.
The clock continues to tick and the trigger days hit with regularity bringing with them the emotional minefield. What is important is to know that you control how you react to the thoughts associated with the day.
The trigger days and grief itself became my new normal when my first husband died. Now my new normal is double the trigger days, grief associated with it and learning to emotionally deal with more positivity as time goes on. I'm learning how to celebrate the loved one's life and be grateful they were in my life at all.
