A Heavy Heart

The holidays are hitting me harder than usual this year.  I know it is the recent decision to put my sweet fur baby Kiki to sleep a month or so ago.  I miss her terribly and feel so much guilt since I had to sign that damn paper.  It has compounded the loss of two husbands.  The good memories both help and hurt me.

I have found many groups and pages on Facebook that have helped me cope.  The following is a poem from one of them.  The source is also listed.  I could have written this myself . . .

You think she's angry, but you don't see,

The weight she carries silently.

It’s not the rage that fills her eyes,

But tiredness in a thin disguise.

She's not furious, but worn and torn,

From dreams abandoned, hopes forlorn.

She’s tired, she’s weary, she’s feeling lost,

Paying life’s relentless cost.

She’s sinking deep in a sea of doubt,

Crying softly, without a shout.

Frustration builds, but not from hate

It’s the closed doors, the heavy weight.

She promised much, her dreams were bright,

But now she battles every night.

She wants to give, to rise, to shine,

But life’s harsh currents pull the line.

So when you see her weary stare,

Know it’s not anger, but despair.

She’s fighting hard to find her way,

Hoping tomorrow’s a kinder day.

- Christina Stewart

Source for photo and poem

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When your dog is your soulmate

 

As I have grieved my fur baby Kiki, I have sought out social media forums and communities dedicated to help grievers cope with that terrible phase in their life.  It is important to surround yourself with those who have and are walking the same journey, just wanting to find peace.  Below you will find a post that said everything I have been thinking about my little girl. 

It has been over a month since she's been gone and I am still so heartbroken.  Starting to take her kennel down, her "house," has proven to be one of the most difficult endeavors ever for me.  I feel like I am betraying her and trying to erase her existence, which is so far from reality.  It is tearing me up big time.

If you are walking in my shoes, feeling the loss of a pet and grieving in a profound way, the following group on Facebook is for you.  The article below will help you understand why you are having such a difficult time when others who don't understand just think you are being ridiculous and just need to get over it.  It is that magical connection that is still so strong and always will be.

Source for article and graphics: Serendipity Corner

"When your dog is your soulmate, it feels like they’ve seen the depths of who you are and decided to love you anyway, flaws and all. There’s no pretense with them. They don’t care if you’ve had a bad day, if you’re broken, or if you’re lost. They just stay. Not because they have to, but because, for some reason, their soul fits with yours in a way that makes everything feel a little lighter.

It’s not about them reading your mind or sensing your moods like it’s some magical connection. It’s more raw than that. It’s in the moments where you feel like you’ve got nothing left to give, and yet, somehow, they bring out the part of you that still cares. It’s in their eyes, how they look at you like you’re the only thing that matters. There’s no pretending with them—no need to put up walls or hold back emotions. With them, you’re exactly who you are, and that’s enough.

And it’s more than just love—it’s the way they make you see yourself differently, the way they pull you out of places you didn’t even know you were stuck in. The bond is stronger than anything life throws at you because it’s rooted in something so simple and pure. They don’t just support you—they remind you, in the most basic, honest way, that you’re worth being loved. And when the world feels cold or distant, they’re the one soul you can count on, no matter what.

R.M. Drake 

Artist Credit: Lisa Aisato"

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Grief is a strange journey

 

I've been going through another grief journey that has knocked me down pretty hard. Losing a pet is an indescribable grief.

In order to make a real attempt of going through this loss better than the losses of two husbands, I have discovered and remember how different the feelings are when it is an innocent little creature who can't tell you they are sick. Our pets want to make us happy. Some of them take it so seriously that they can be so sick and close to death, but don't want to bother you with it. Or so it seems.

Groups I have joined to cope with pet grief have opened my eyes to this. The majority of members say that they had no idea their pet was so gravely ill and it was too late to help them survive. Their described heartache matches mine. Total devastation at the loss of their precious best friend who was always so loyal and loving.

Although I am trying to stay busy and keep my mind occupied, my little Kiki is always on my mind. I've gone through so much guilt for not picking up that she was so sick. Those groups have helped me through that guilt. There is something to be said about surrounding yourself with those who understand what you are going through since they have experienced the same journey. The journey that never ends.

"Grief is a strange journey.

Each time we embark upon it, it is as though we have never taken its roads before.

No, I have that wrong: each grief brings us through a familiar landscape carved into unrecognizable contours.

For we do not only lose another person; we lose the person we were with the one we lost."

Patricia Monaghan

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The difficulty of grieving

Someone in a group I belong to told me that I'm in the "deep of grief" and I know that the way grief manifests itself changes with time.  But it never ever goes away.

My two recent losses, The Captain and my precious little Kiki were my immediate family that I lived with and loved day after day.  I am now completely lost with both of them gone.  My home is totally silent and feels so empty without them.  

When The Captain passed away, Kiki and I grew closer and we grieved together.  Dogs do grieve just like people, but in their own little way.  I have always taught my dogs to "talk" and Kiki took talking very seriously.  In our grieving together, she knew when I was going through a rough time and she would come to me and talk, hitting my leg with her paw, like to say "listen to me, I'm talking to you and want you to feel better."  The comforting look in her eyes was indescribable.  She comforted me like no human could and that made her so much more special than she already was.  

Now I am in the "deep of grief" over losing her company and comforting, resenting the fact that I can freely walk around and not worry about her tripping me since she was a Velcro dog.  I'm finding it so difficult to move past this and learn to live without her at my side every minute of every day.

I found this poem on the internet and it perfectly relates how I have been feeling since The Captain passed away and now Kiki. 

The harder we love

Means the harder we grieve

The harder it is

To go on when they leave

The harder to sleep

And the harder to wake

To know they’re not here

With each breath that we take

It’s hard to look forward

And hard to look back

Stuck in the middle,

Imprisoned and trapped

Where the harder the darkness

The harsher the light,

The harsher this world

That keeps spinning with life

But when that world’s feeling

So painful and hard

And you can’t imagine

Escaping the dark

It might help a little

To know it’s because

The harder we grieve

Means the harder we loved

******

Becky Hemsley 2023

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Run free little girl

 

As Kiki got older, I tried to protect myself from this time I am going through.

No matter what the vet told me, I was not convinced that she was as sick as he said.  She still did her cute little dance when it was time to eat like she always did, like a healthy dog at almost 16 years old.

My little partner, my little girl is gone and I am beyond heartbroken.  When I walk around the house, I still look down to make sure I am not stepping on her since she was always at my feet.  What a weird feeling it is for her not to be there.

Betsy and Buster were waiting for her at Rainbow Bridge.

Run free little girl.

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What is wrong with people?

 

I'm waiting for sunrise to get in my car and go on a new adventure.  

After two months of being off my medication for depression, I'm finally leveling off and feeling so much better.  I hope I never have to go through another nightmare to get the medication I desperately need, especially at this time in my life.  Yes, I explained over and over again that I am experiencing a high degree of grief, but the order kept getting cancelled.  

I'm so tired of fighting people who really don't care to do a good job.  I have encountered this type of thing with all the stuff I have had to deal with regarding the Captain's death.  The saddest is to appeal the denial for his burial rights.  This stuff already stresses me out and what makes it worse is to have to address it over and over again.

The good news is that I am feeling better and ready to start fighting for what is coming to me again.

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Long Darkness

 

Nothing has been as it seems, or has it?

Some lines from a movie I recently saw really hit home with me and put the past year into a weird perspective.  

"I was sleeping peacefully in the midst of a long darkness.  It is good to sleep when you can't find the answers so I just slept for what seemed like months.  Then I was pulled by a light, life was pulling me back."

It seems as though the roller coaster of grief has had me going back and forth as though I am having a bad dream, woken up to a momentary desire to get back to normal life, but swiftly pulled back out of the reality that is way too painful to deal with.  Of course I deal with it, I have no choice, but the mind can play tricks on us in those painful dark moments of grief.  I tend to want to just stay in bed and not face another day of the torment of a new reality.  

I think to myself, "it can't be possible that my life has changed this drastically."  But it has.  Nothing makes sense and I feel lost without him.

I'm going though a crazy, difficult phase of grief where the long darkness makes me look at progress I've made skeptically.  This too shall pass.  I know because I have already been here 20 years ago when my first husband passed away, I just forgot how difficult it was.

 

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Holiday Blues

Another trigger day, actually a double trigger day, JR's birthday.  

This is the end of trigger days for a while thank God and I am already feeling better.  It is all a mindset.

In the past, I loved holidays, they were so special.  Now they are memories of special days.  In my time with The Captain, the holidays were already dreaded days.  He wasn't fond of them either, except for our birthdays and anniversary.

 

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Loud Silence

 

It has been a weird time.  Yes, the silence is loud.  Sometimes it is hard to breathe.  I need to write and let this out, but I really don't know what to say.  I'm enjoying being alone in my silence, but it would be great if he was here with me.  Only him.  God knows how much I miss him.

It was so good to finally see my family again after all these months, I missed them so much.  However, words have been difficult to find and conversation is so difficult right now.  The Captain and I were rarely without words.  He is the only one I want to talk to, but I never will again.

Yes, it is a difficult time, but this too shall pass.

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Don't give up now

 

But really, do I have a choice?

I guess it was his birthday, a trigger day that started me on the roller coaster again.  Just when I was starting to feel better.

I'm so tired of feeling better only to slip back into this funky phase of grief.  The good thing is I have writing about it to help me get through the awful moments.

If it seems like I am ready to give up going on with my life and having a normal life again, the answer is hell no, I will never give up.  I got through losing JR and I will get through losing The Captain.  He taught me that life does go on . . . he made it possible for me to do so.  It isn't easy, but life isn't easy.

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Love With No Place To Go

All that talk about positivity has gone out the window.  I find myself overthinking everything.  My happy, carefree attitude of taking one moment at a time has disappeared.  It is what grief is all about.  One must be ready for it to get through it quickly.  I'm trying!

The trick is to figure out how to pull yourself back to a comfortable place that is sometimes so difficult to find.  

Love with no place to go is rough and heartbreaking.

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Grief Angel

 

This past week has been all over the place.

As much as I try to stay positive, there are times that I just lose control.  It is simple, I miss him terribly.  This must be the "miss you" phase.

My family to coming to town just in time.  I have been missing them too and it complicates the feelings of grief.

It is just one of those phases that will pass quickly, I hope.

  

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Trigger Days

 

Trigger days . . . holidays, birthdays, anniversaries of all kinds, etc. always add an extra sense of grief.  You never know how they are going to affect you until it does . . . they are sneaky like that.  They can also change from year to year.  

Just like any other grief phase, it is not a good idea to try to ignore the trigger day or the affects of it.  One must go through and feel the grief stages in order to get through the healing process.  The difficulty is not knowing where the next grief hit is going to come from . . . a song, a place, a passing thought, a smell, food . . . anything really.  One thing is for sure, there are times that everything is a reminder and know that it may throw you into survival mode, even if it is an old loss as well as a fresh one.

There is one thing I do to cope with trigger days . . . write your loved one a letter.  Just as with journaling, the spontaneity of the writing will conjure up thoughts and feelings you never addressed.  Those thoughts and feelings get me through trigger days, as well as good memories that I make an attempt to dwell on instead of how awful I am feeling at the moment.  The great memories on trigger days for me are treasured gifts and I look at it as a pleasant way to honor the loved one.  That is so important.

It is not easy, but I have learned coping mechanisms through over 20 years of grief phases from losing my first husband.  It never goes away, but as time goes on it becomes easier to manage and tolerate the emotions.

Today I am experiencing The Captain's birthday, the first since he passed away.  This trigger day is fresh and so very painful, but I'm making the attempt to use the coping mechanisms I have learned to get through this awful day.

The clock continues to tick and the trigger days hit with regularity, bringing with them the emotional minefield.  What is important is to know that you control how you react to the thoughts associated with the day.  

The trigger days and grief itself became my new normal when my first husband died.  Now my new normal is double the trigger days, grief associated with it and learning to emotionally deal with more positivity as time goes on.  I'm learning how to celebrate the loved one's life and be grateful they were in my life at all.

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