What is your heart longing for right now?

 

As I approached the worst time of year for me in October, my prayer has continued to be feeling peace and contentment again.  While October was bad, my trust in God strengthens me even if peace and contentment are barely there, but better than last year.  Time does heal grief even though it moves way slow.

My heart longs for the desire to get things done that I need to do.  It is coming back slowly.  I've found myself automatically washing the dishes right away when preparing meals and not letting them stack up.  My desire to cook is coming back, which is really good since I spend way too much money ordering meals from Door Dash.

It would make me so happy to be able to use my office again.  The Captain stacked it with so many boxes that I can hardly walk in there since we moved back from my mom's house after the hurricane.  Yes, it has taken me that long.  

I went through a different type of grief when my mom moved to another state to live with my brother.  She and I were very close and I just see her maybe twice a year now.  So my desire to do major things has been gone a very long time.  It is about time I get that motivation back so I can live a normal home life.  I'd love to get back to making jewelry and selling stuff on Etsy and eBay.

Forward progress feels good as I regain my motivation and even feel peace and contentment at times.  I've found myself finding joy in little things again and thanking God for any amount of progress.

My trust in God is strong and I know I will find that perfect peace again.

 

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The Turning Point

 

• “True abundance isn’t based on our net worth, 
• it’s based on our self-worth.” 
• Gabrielle Bernstein

After 9-11, the book "Simple Abundance" changed my life.  Since then, my quest for success and making more and more money changed to being grateful for what I have.  It stresses what is really important in life.

The realization to slow down, take a deep breath and enjoy the moment is lost in our society.  It seems like they wake up angry and run around like a chicken with its head cut off.  

My life has changed drastically since my younger days.  I was one of those people running around and moving so fast that I could not enjoy anything.  That can make you very angry at the world and everything that happens, no matter how good.

When I decided to drop out, stay home and become an internet retailer, the relief I felt was indescribable.  The feeling of peace within my soul was so much more important than the money.  JR and I were the happiest we had ever been.  That was so important since he passed away shortly after the lifestyle change.  For that I have been eternally grateful.  All the money in the world could not bring me to that place.

Life after The Captain passed away has been filled with guilt since so many things were left in an undone, bad place and stole my peace.  Forgotten were the lessons learned on 9-11 of treating every day as if it was the last.

It has been difficult for me to have a positive attitude and grateful life since I felt so undone to the soul of my being.  Having to put Kiki to sleep was the ultimate "nail in the coffin" to my life.

Today, I am back to the gratefulness as I finally realize that these things are all part of life, the good and the bad.  I believe it is all God's will and I should trust him.  Everything happens for a reason.  I'm so happy for the awesome memories of my past life that made me happy and even the sad ones.  

More importantly, they have

 taught me valuable life lessons.

My relationships with people in this world have solidified my love of being home alone and not feeling the judgment of others with whatever I am experiencing in my life.  Now I don't care what anyone thinks and that is finally true freedom. I am not lonely since I have a very content life.

Do what makes you happy no matter what anyone else thinks!

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Find The Happy Life

 

"You do not find the happy life.

You make it."

Thomas S. Monson

Determined to find contentment in the midst of grief and sadness, I asked myself the simple question . . . "what would make me happy?" . . . the graphic depicts what would make me happy at this time in my life.  

An outdoor sanctuary, a pleasant place to escape that is pleasing to my senses, to enjoy a beautiful Florida day and watch the birds and squirrels.  A place to be grateful for all that I have been blessed with.  Surround myself with the happiness that being in the middle of colorful flowers brings me.

While I realize that getting to that place will take lots of hard work, I think the work distraction alone is just what I need.  So, as the hot days of summer unwind, I shall embark on this new journey that I know will bring me peace and contentment.  I've done this before.  This time it could be the thing that works wonders for my physical health as well as the positive mental aspect of it all.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

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Passage of Time

 

When it comes to grief, the time of grief seems like you lost your loved one yesterday even though it has been some time.  It is as if the passage of time is non-existent, yet it has flown by so fast.  It really is a weird concept and feeling.

It could be that it is normal to relive the day of passing often, making it seem like yesterday.  Disorientation is a normal part of my life and I can't explain it.  

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Grateful through positivity

 

“When the heart grieves over what it has lost,

the spirit rejoices over what it has left.”  

Sufi Epigram

As I experience and heal from another grief journey, I try to be aware of how I am thinking since it makes a big difference in how I feel at the time.  It makes such a difference and the quote is a great example of how we can think about losing a loved one.

In my experience, I am consumed at what I've lost at first.  As time passes and the memories take over and the good times are what I think about, I am left with the awesome feeling of having had that loved one in my life at all with the good and the bad memories.  Usually, I concentrate on the good.

Many people I know think this way.  In fact, it is like they forget everything bad and think that they have turned a bad person into a saint in their mind.  Sometimes I wonder who they are talking about.  That way of thinking is how they cope with the loss.

First of all, I am so grateful to have experienced the love.  On the other hand, I try to be realistic about the relationship I had with them.  Sweeping bad memories under the rug can come back to haunt you.  It comes down to life balances.

The main thing is gratefulness.  It always brings a smile to my face.

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The need to be alone

 

The one thing that has bothered me most in my grief journey is having to explain myself constantly and feeling like I am not heard.  Having gone through the widow journey twice, I am just tired of being misunderstood and want to be totally alone to finally give myself permission to heal in my own way without being "discussed and judged" by others.  Just leave me alone, you have "helped" enough.  Your concern is killing me.

Rather than try to explain once again, the following post from a Facebook group perfectly describes how I have been feeling most of my adult life.  In my opinion, if you truly care about someone, you try to understand instead of asking the same insulting questions over and over again . . . no wonder I no longer want to be around those who have continually hurt me.  It started a long, long time ago . . . and it is more than just grief.

"When she goes quiet, it’s crucial to understand: it’s not because she has nothing left to say. Her silence isn’t emptiness; it’s incredibly full. Full of words too heavy to speak, full of emotions too raw to unravel, full of a pain that feels utterly impossible to put into coherent sentences.

She’s tired. Profoundly tired. Tired of explaining herself over and over again, only to be met with blank stares or superficial nods. Tired of being so consistently misunderstood. Tired of tirelessly holding it all together when no one around her truly sees the cracks forming, slowly, beneath her surface.

Her silence isn’t indifference; it’s sheer exhaustion. It’s the immense weight of carrying battles no one else can see, of fighting internal wars while bravely pretending everything is fine on the outside. Sometimes, the deepest battles are fought in silence, and the loudest cries go tragically unheard because they never even leave her lips.

And maybe, just maybe, she doesn’t need solutions or advice right now. Maybe she just needs someone to acknowledge the storm without demanding an explanation. Because her silence isn’t weakness—it’s survival. And sometimes, the bravest thing a woman can do is simply stay silent when the world relentlessly expects her to speak, to perform, to be "fine." This is her unfiltered emotion in its rawest form."

Source: A post from a Facebook group, Deep Feelings

https://www.facebook.com/groups/768416138555327/

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Roller coaster of emotions

 

My life has been like a roller coaster for as far back as when my Nana passed away when I was a young adult.  It seems like I am always in the "learning how to live again without you" stage.

The hardest one is dealing with the decision to put Kiki to sleep.  The devastating emotional decision came too soon after The Captain passed away and I became a true hermit.  

Kiki was all the emotional support I needed and took comfort in her sweetness like when she'd put her paw on me, letting me know that she was here for me, or the look in her eyes that could talk to me without words.  I depended on that love and comfort too much and loved her as much as I would have loved my own child that I never had.  Signing that paper was the worse thing I have ever had to do in my whole life.

I know that I did a good thing for her since the vet told me she was so sick and loved her enough to not want her to go through pain.  But making the decision to let her go is still haunting me, some days worse than others.  At least I am experiencing decent days and am so grateful for finally having those days.

Now I am learning how to live alone while learning to live without those loved ones who are no longer with me.  It is definitely a roller coaster of emotions.  Interacting with others has become difficult for me since, at this time of my life, I have nothing to say to anyone.  Look at my blog since The Captain passed away.  I miss him terribly, the emotions are raw and I find it difficult to even want to speak to anyone at this time.  

Once again, I am on medication for my anxiety after trying to live without it.  Now I am trying a different one that works better.

My mom was recently back in town and I actually drove a short distance.  It was not a complete success, although I did get out and even went to a restaurant twice.  So I have made some progress even though there were some failures involved that have affected me negatively.

It is all good . . . progress is progress!

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Believe in yourself

 

 

Love yourself first.

Believe in yourself.

Positive thinking.

There is power in all of the above.

Could be some of the secrets to happiness?

I'll admit that those times in my life when I felt negatively about myself were times of depression and unhappiness.  We can't blame ourselves for all that happens in our lives.  Learning how to move on quickly is so important.  You can get stuck in the rut of depression which is not good at all.  That is where I have been.  

It can't be confused with feeling sorry for yourself.

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Life is good

 

Although I am still healing and experiencing way too much emotional pain that I pretty much inflict on myself, life in general is good.  

Quality of life is subjective depending on how you perceive it.  I'm not sure that even made sense.  It did to me.  Other than the emotional stress I put on myself, my quality of life is pretty good.  

I have always been the type of person who could be alone in life and still have a good quality of life and experience happiness.  At an early age, people let me down and hurt me, making it easy to depend on myself since I have always felt there were few in my life I could trust not to hurt me.  And really, for that I am grateful since I am a stronger person for it.  Stronger does not mean happier though.

Not trusting others is one of those things that does not make my life happier.  It just makes me so aware of others and ready to deal with disappointment.  In my whole life, there are very few people I have allowed close to me.  And with those few, many of them were a mistake to let close.  We live and learn, don't we?

Since The Captain was ill before he passed away and since then, I allowed those who hurt me get the best of me and as a result, I have isolated myself, determined to be happy on my own and protect myself from further hurt.  It is so foolish to allow others to determine your happiness.  Even those we truly love.

I have learned that all I need is to believe in myself, be grateful for all that God has blessed me with and KNOW and acknowledge exactly how blessed I really am.  There is not much that I really need to worry about, so I have decided that it is time to shed the extreme sadness from grief and the anger of those who hurt me, find joy in the little things in life and make the quality of my life the best it has ever been.

That is the goal for the rest of my life!

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Trigger days

 

 

A string of trigger days have beat me up.  

Sometimes I think I will never get over losing The Captain and Kiki and it is killing me.

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A Love That Lives

My sweet Kiki and the cherished memories of her presence in my life is a treasured and precious gift.  This month I celebrate her birth month.  She would have been 16 years old.

I miss her so much.  My heart is broken . . .

A Love That Lives

When you’ve loved a dog until the end,

You’ve known the deepest love, my friend.

A bond unspoken, pure and true,

A love that time cannot undo.

They walk beside us, heart to heart,

A faithful soul, a work of art.

Their joy, their trust, their gentle grace,

A love that lightens every place.

But love so deep must pay its due,

And when they go, they take a piece of you.

The silent house, the empty space,

The longing ache time can’t erase.

Yet love like theirs is never lost,

It lingers on, despite the cost.

In memories sweet, in whispered dreams,

In echoes soft of running streams.

For when we loved them till the end,

We gained a love that will transcend—

A gift that pain can’t steal away,

A love that lives beyond decay.

Mark Waldrop

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Life, dreams and gratitude

 

The tragic fires in California this past week have given me so much to think about life, hopes and dreams and gratitude.  In the course of life, going after our hopes and dreams or experiencing difficult life circumstances, we sometimes get overwhelmed and forget to be grateful.  It is human nature and doesn't mean that we are an ungrateful person.

Since The Captain passed away last year and having to make the difficult decision to put my sweet fur baby Kiki to sleep recently, grief has taken me over and although I am usually grateful for everything I have been blessed with, the deep pain within has consumed me. 

Those in the path of those fires not only face losing their home, but their lifestyle.  The lucky ones will still have their home, but friends and neighbors will probably be gone, all the familiar places like grocery stores and schools gone.  No doubt these "lucky" people will feel that horrible feeling of deep grief that will change their life forever.  And like grief from a physical death, they will probably feel profound guilt.

No matter what their circumstance, most had hopes and dreams.  Some achieved dreams, some had future dreams . . . both are perceived gone at first.

Having watched way too many hours of news, it has made me think about life in general and have ultimately realized how grateful I am for everything I have been blessed with and I can have new hopes and dreams for my life.

The following poem and all that thinking made it all make sense.

"Today I woke and found myself

With less than yesterday

My life was missing things

I had assumed were here to stay

Things that had seemed little

'til they left a giant space,

Left an empty silence

And a longing in their place

And I began to understand

That when push came to shove

I longed for what I’d had

When I’d thought that was not enough

I’d always looked ahead

Was always chasing more and more

Growing so complacent

Of the things I once wished for

Running to tomorrow,

To the weekend, to next year

Forgetting I was lucky

For the things already here

And all this made me realize

That my life can’t buy more time

So maybe I should spend my time

Loving this life of mine

And maybe I’ll be grateful

For the little things I’ve got

That seem inconsequential

But which mean an awful lot

So, tonight I’ll thank the stars

Instead of asking them for more

And I will hope to wake with all

The things I’ve thanked them for

‘Cause now I see that my todays

Are filled with time I’ve borrowed

And I shouldn’t sit around and waste them

Chasing my tomorrows."

'Chasing Tomorrow' by Becky Helmsley from 'Letters from Life'

Becky Hemsley Poetry

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Dark Silence

 

As a person who has gone to sleep watching television forever  because I hate silence and am especially fearful of darkness, I was not in the best frame of mind with Hurricane Milton taking out my electricity before the storm even started and didn't come back on for three or four days later.  I have honestly lost track of time or even what day it is.

It had only been a few days since I had to put my precious fur baby Kiki to sleep, so I was a big mess already.  A week or so before, Kiki and I went through Hurricane Helene alone with her on my lap on the couch . . . having her with me was a comfort and I felt better.  I went through the latest hurricane sitting alone on the couch without the emotional comfort of my precious girl.  I miss her so much.

The dark silence of those days haunted me, making the feelings of grief and the hole in my heart from losing Kiki and The Captain even more intense, making me lonelier than I have ever felt in my life.  But I remained as calm as I could possibly be and made it through a very stressful time.  Honestly, I did have a few times of freaking out.  I'm not a brave person, but have become stronger as I get older and experience more life.

The storm was brutal.  News reports state that Tampa received winds of up to 100 mph.  They were not all gusts . . . at times the winds were sustained for what seemed like forever.  I thought the roof was going to fly off my house, but it didn't.  God was there to protect me.  The only damage was a knocked over mailbox.  Surprising and grateful!

Going through the process of hearing the news that Kiki was sick and ultimately having her put to sleep was one of the worse times I have ever experienced in my life.  She was my baby and constant companion for 12 years, but she had an awesome life with so much love after the Captain and I rescued her from the shelter.  They found her roaming the streets, lost and alone.  That is another story.  

I guess God doesn't think I need peace yet.  He has more for me to learn.

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What is wrong with people?

 

I'm waiting for sunrise to get in my car and go on a new adventure.  

After two months of being off my medication for depression, I'm finally leveling off and feeling so much better.  I hope I never have to go through another nightmare to get the medication I desperately need, especially at this time in my life.  Yes, I explained over and over again that I am experiencing a high degree of grief, but the order kept getting cancelled.  

I'm so tired of fighting people who really don't care to do a good job.  I have encountered this type of thing with all the stuff I have had to deal with regarding the Captain's death.  The saddest is to appeal the denial for his burial rights.  This stuff already stresses me out and what makes it worse is to have to address it over and over again.

The good news is that I am feeling better and ready to start fighting for what is coming to me again.

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Just need a hug

 

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My New Normal

 It happens to me every day . . . the memories, the tears and the sadness that doesn't want to go away.  I try to dwell on happy memories, but the sadness still sneaks in.  Profound sadness.  I never wear makeup anymore, it is too messy with the tears.

My doctor asked me if I want to die as a result of the sadness.  No, I don't want to die, but I'm not fearful that I will.  I know where I am going.  And at this point in my life, the number of people close to me still living are less than those who have left me.

Positive thinking doesn't help since that is tricking myself into one thing or another.

I know the grief I am feeling is still fresh and will be with me the rest of my life.  The bad feelings just have to change at least for a little while.  This too shall pass.

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Long Darkness

 

Nothing has been as it seems, or has it?

Some lines from a movie I recently saw really hit home with me and put the past year into a weird perspective.  

"I was sleeping peacefully in the midst of a long darkness.  It is good to sleep when you can't find the answers so I just slept for what seemed like months.  Then I was pulled by a light, life was pulling me back."

It seems as though the roller coaster of grief has had me going back and forth as though I am having a bad dream, woken up to a momentary desire to get back to normal life, but swiftly pulled back out of the reality that is way too painful to deal with.  Of course I deal with it, I have no choice, but the mind can play tricks on us in those painful dark moments of grief.  I tend to want to just stay in bed and not face another day of the torment of a new reality.  

I think to myself, "it can't be possible that my life has changed this drastically."  But it has.  Nothing makes sense and I feel lost without him.

I'm going though a crazy, difficult phase of grief where the long darkness makes me look at progress I've made skeptically.  This too shall pass.  I know because I have already been here 20 years ago when my first husband passed away, I just forgot how difficult it was.

 

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Faith, Love and Time

 

The Memorial Day weekend was bittersweet and difficult.

Military holidays were so special for The Captain, they were a part of who he was.  I had never experienced a person who was so patriotic and so proud of his military service.  I often thought that when he retired from the military, a part of him died.  It is who he was, but no longer had an active part in it.  It is a sad fact of retirement, you kind of lose your identity.

Although I dislike war movies, I almost wanted the bombardment of his holiday ritual, marathon war movies.  They meant he was alive and well and still with me.  

It was one of those times that I just needed to be alone and cry my eyes out.  Somehow it makes me feel better and allows me to be strong.  That doesn't make sense, but grief does not make sense.  Just when I think I can handle life again, it hits me like a ton of bricks.

Looking back at the memories that flooded me over the weekend, although I hate what grief does to me, it means that I loved deeply.  And for that I will always be grateful.  

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Sit with the pain

 

This is what grief is.

A hole ripped through the very fabric of your being.

The hole eventually heals along the jagged edges that remain. It may even shrink in size.

But that hole will always be there.

A piece of you always missing.

For where there is deep grief, there was great love.

Don’t be ashamed of your grief.

Don’t judge it.

Don’t suppress it.

Don’t rush it.

Rather, acknowledge it.

Lean into it.

Listen to it.

Feel it.

Sit with it.

Sit with the pain. And remember the love.

This is where the healing will begin.

Author unknown

I'm feeling a little better, but it has been a bad few weeks. It is what I expect, but sometimes I can handle it better. This year is different since I'm experiencing The Captain's passing too. Maybe I'm trying too hard to be normal.

In the meantime, I deal with it as best as I can and sit with the pain with my awesome memories.

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Lessening Grief

 

In the course of dealing with grief phases, I have found myself relying on memories as a comfort for the painful feelings of grief.  I'm always grateful for having had my loved ones share their life with me.  Even remembering not so great memories leads to being grateful.  Life is more than good times and anger has a place in there too.

Time changes the way we perceive memories.  I didn't realize that until The Captain passed away.  Memories of my life with JR have changed through the years without me realizing that it was happening.

Time lessens grief, but it never takes it away.  I have learned to be grateful for everything I have been blessed with, especially another day.

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