Lacking Peace

 

My latest grief stage has brought me far away from perfect peace.  It is getting better, but faith and trust have been difficult to attain.  The birthdays of two husbands who have passed away have been awful trigger days with Easter around the corner.

This definition of peace is what I have been lacking . . . "freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions".  

As I prepared our traditional Easter ham and potato salad, the overwhelming empty feeling of not sharing the cooking and enjoying the meal and the holiday itself with both of them consumed me.  

These are typical trigger days that have doubled for me.  The Captain helped me through those days in the past.  Now I try to relive the memories of days past to get through the present trigger days.

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Adversity

 

"All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me. You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you."

Walt Disney

For as long as I can remember, Walt Disney has been so inspirational to me. He went bankrupt several times and was laughed at (I imagine hysterically) about his cartoon mouse. He had the last laugh. It goes to prove that one should never give up on a dream or aspirations for happiness . . . whatever your heart desires.

There was a time in my life that everything seemed to be perfect. I had a great job in the corporate world, made decent money, had a great marriage and I could go on. It was one of the happiest times of my life. Speaking of Disney, we visited Disney World at least once a month since we were both at our jobs a very long time and had over a month's worth of vacation . . . lots of long weekends are awesome when you put in at least 70 hours a week.

Well, keeping up that work routine and office politics took its toll on me. One day I walked away, it was impulsive, in a sense it was a horrible move, but we finally got the peace and happiness needed and our lives changed drastically.

We became a one income family, I really got into cooking and gardening. At that time, I wanted to be like Martha Stewart. It was a very satisfying time and my marriage to JR was the best ever. We were so happy.

What seemed like a giant setback in my life turned out to be the best thing I ever did. I am so grateful that JR and I got so much closer and happier since his life was cut short at 42 years old. We never would have had that great life. I spoiled him rotten and we were so blissfully happy. If I still worked those 70 hour weeks, there is no way we could have had that degree of happiness.

Everything in life happens for a reason.

After years of agonizing grief, I met The Captain and remarried.

Now that I have become a widow for a second time, I have become stronger, but I wonder about the reasons why God chose for me to be in this survival mode again, it was difficult enough the first time. All I have to say is that I must have huge rewards coming after all this adversity and heartbreak.

But I still believe and have faith that I can be happy again.

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The Dark Path

 

Always keep the faith, no matter what . . .

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New year philosophies

Isn't it funny how everyone looks forward to this day so we can say goodbye to the old year that is soon to pass on and give way to the new hope of tomorrow?

Maybe it is just human nature to hope what is ahead is better than what was. The grass is always greener on the other side thing . . .

It got me to thinking about a good year.  Do you want the good year to never end?  Will the new year and the new hope for tomorrow jinx what has been awesome?

For me, the new year has always been symbolic of a new beginning, a change . . . we make resolutions to make ourselves a better person.  By the way, I gave up on making resolutions a long time ago.  However, for a deep thinker like me, this day has been making me more aware of positive things that will help me be a better person in different ways.

The end of this year has been awesome.  I won't beat a dead horse with the details of the year's beginning. I can only repeat what I always say, "this too shall pass" . . . and it did.

All it really is . . . the normal passage of time that spans from one year to another, one day into another, one minute to the next, one second at a time.

As I become older and wiser, my philosophy has slowly changed.  The Captain has had so much to do with these changes and I'm so grateful to have him in my life.

The new philosophy involves having faith that everything will be ok, for real and accepting whatever comes along as quickly as possible.  It is a deepening of my favorite saying, "this too shall pass."  We don't have control over what happens from day to day.  We do have control over how to react to it.

Happy New Year's Eve . . .

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Fate, destiny and being alone

The following post was written at a time of missing JR so bad, feeling so alone, but having the faith that I would find love again, I was ready . . . I could feel my new love and that is so very special . . . a confirmation that you know that you know and have no doubt about your feelings, holding on to all the patience, hope and faith that everything will work out since it is meant to be.  

Fate and destiny.  
With passing time comes better understanding and the knowledge that life without the other will be virtually impossible.
Even though I had to wait another two years, I knew he was out there.  
I could feel his presence in my life way before he appeared. 
Isn't love wonderful?

This post was originally posted
 September 13, 2007

Alone . . . it is how things are meant to be for me at this time and place on my path. Prayers sooth my soul. Patience is what I ask for . . . I know this is where I am supposed to be . . . it doesn't matter how I feel, how anxious I am or how much I "want" . . . what I want doesn't matter.

After much contemplation and prayer, I envision "alone" as sitting on that bench on the beach . . . not a bad thing at all. Two months ago to this date I sat on that very bench gazing into the horizon, the glistening blue water, felt the wind blowing through my hair, with a cup of coffee in my hand, total peace in my head, contentment in my heart . . . I was totally alone and completely happy.

I was one with nature, talking to God, vowing to turn my life over to him to do as he will with the time I have left on this earth. What I was left with is the sound of two lonely hearts beating . . . I know I'm not to be alone much longer.

This is a time of healing, of gathering my thoughts and everything together, like getting ready to entertain and have a party . . . the table must be set, everything must be perfect for him. Time will do that for both of us. He knows I'm here and I know he's there . . . he feels me and I feel him . . . our eyes have not yet met.

Alone . . . this is how it feels to be at a crossroads of life, impatiently frustrated one day, positively anticipating destiny the next . . . and somewhere in between is lunacy, madness . . . a state of limbo and numbness.

I'm getting my life in order and he is doing what he has to do to prepare for me in his life too. Destiny awaits . . . the beat of my lonely heart feels the beat of your heart, I can hear you breathing with a sigh of the wind my love . . . you are so near, yet still so far away . . . but I'll wait as I pray for patience. You were made for me and I'm feeling you.

"And all the wonders made for the earth

And all the hearts in all creation

Another story there to be told"


And we will have our happy song to sing . . .

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Hope, Faith and A Positive Attitude

“Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all.” 

Emily Dickinson

“Hope is an optimistic attitude of mind based on an expectation of positive outcomes related to events and circumstances in one's life or the world at large” 

“Dr. Barbara L. Fredrickson argues that hope comes into its own when crisis looms, opening us to new creative possibilities.  Frederickson argues that with great need comes an unusually wide range of ideas, as well as such positive emotions as happiness and joy, courage, and empowerment, drawn from four different areas of one’s self: from a cognitive, psychological, social, or physical perspective.”

Wikipedia

Faith and hope are two words that are often confused, although there is a difference between the two words. 

The word ‘faith’ is used in the sense of ‘trust’. 

The word ‘hope’ is used in the sense of ‘anticipation’.

A positive attitude originates with faith and trust that what you are anticipating will happen.

Peace and happiness happens when all these things happen in harmony with each other.

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Life's Best Moments

You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going.  What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith, and hope.

Thomas Merton

The roller coaster ride of emotions can confuse and jumble up the mind to the degree that you could be having one of life's best moments and not even realize it.  

Is it possible that there are those who are so wrapped up in their unhappy emotional state that they are ok with it?  Perhaps it is what makes them feel "normal" . . . therefore, they don't want to be happy?

Personally, I don't think so.  As a person cursed with anxiety and restlessness, I can say that the anxiety-ridden times are like walking on hot coals with no shoes on.  It is not something I enjoy and frankly, in these times, I pray for a bit of contentment to assist me in breaking out of the "bad attitude."

It is so important to surround yourself with positive, happy people.  Those who have the gift of seeing the possibilities in challenges and face them head on, laughing all the way can help you see their perspective, making the light at the end of the tunnel appear within sight by their example.  The challenge becomes a game more than the goal of the desired outcome.

We all have down times, even those positive, happy people.  The trick is to figure out how to break out of the funky mood and see the joy of the present moment.  Study your happy friends . . . something is working for them!

Discover your life's best moments, even when life isn't perfect . . .

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Unresolved issues

Finding a healthy outlet for unsettling emotions allows us to resolve them in productive ways and regain a rested state of mind. We might not realize how deeply our feelings are affecting our lives until we begin to feel overwhelmed and frustrated. Instead of trying to ignore our feelings or push them away, we can channel them into productive activities and make an effort to work through our emotions in healthy ways. Doing this empowers us, even if we can’t always resolve the situations that caused us to feel upset. By working through our emotions, we are better able to handle any situation and regain a serene state of mind. By devoting time to honoring and calming your emotions today, you can work through any unresolved issues and feel peaceful again. 

 Source:  Daily OM

Today is a beautiful, gentle rainy day and I have spent a lot of time outdoors in our carport jungle enjoying nature and letting my mind wander where it wants to go.  It is in these times of quiet relaxation that I realize how wound up I really am. Too many little things that keep hanging on end up being one huge mess.

I must admit that when overwhelm and frustration start to affect me, rather than channeling them into productive activities, I make the attempt to sweep them under the rug.

Although I know ignoring the situation will not alleviate the frustration, it is a practice that I continue to do over and over again.

Sometimes working through the emotions causes more frustration when the emotions causes warped focus and concentration.  For me, it is best to leave it alone until I am ready to handle it, one step at a time, AFTER calming myself down by doing things that bring me pleasure, like listening to music or watching something mindless on the television.  Sometimes simply enjoying nature can calm me down.  It all depends on the situation.

Of course, if the overwhelm stems from not taking care of projects because they seem too overwhelming, that is when taking very small, but productive activities toward the goal helps to work through the frustration.

I know I need to let it all go and just give it all the pressures to God . . . faith and trust is so difficult for me.

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Moving through the darkness

"We can take our inspiration from any fairy tale that finds its central character lost in a dark wood, frightened and alone. We know that the journey through the wood provides its own kind of beauty and richness. On the other side, we will emerge transformed, lighter and brighter, braver and more confident for having moved through that darkness.

This is just life’s way of taking us to a place we need to go for reasons that go deeper than our own ability to reason. These hard knocks and trials are designed to shed light on our unconscious workings and deepen our experience of reality."

Source:  Daily Om 

We are apparently living in lala land and these "hard knocks" are designed to deepen our experience of reality?  That was my thought after reading today's quotes from the Daily Om.

Actually, it all feels like the movie "Groundhog Day."  Seriously.

The theme of our year has been "readdressing old issues over and over again" . . . and it seems as if we are moving through the darkness, going in circles which lead to nowhere.

Very frustrating!

In the past week, we have had to deal with health problems, car problems, home repair problems persist and nothing has changed.  Oh please, I will spare you the details of these things that don't want to go away!

I'm having faith that all of these irritating life situations are building my character into a stronger, better person and I'll ultimately become fearless and worry-free . . . a contradiction of my own life.  It could be the lesson that the good Lord is blessing me with.  

We all run into all types of contradictions through the course of life's lessons.

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Dare to be powerful

When I dare to be powerful -- to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.

Audre Lorde

This quote says so much to me, who is a naturally fearful person and an intense worrier.

For one thing . . . what difference does it make how fearful we are or how worried we are about a particular situation?  It won't change the outcome, it just robs us of joy and happiness.  

What will be will be anyway!

I'm finally learning that strength is within us and never leaves us.  We just need to dare to reach in and grab it . . . use it!

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All About Soul

"We live in a world that needs more soul, more meaning. We, as conscious beings, have, as our primary responsibility, at this time in human history, the task of bringing soul into the world, or releasing soul into the world. We do this, first of all, in ourselves and in our own personal world; then we do it in our groups - including family; then we do it in our society through our work, relationships and presence there."

 Andrew Schneider

"Joy that comes out of sorrow" . . . a line from Billy Joel's song All About Soul struck me as very odd and I'm trying to figure it out.

When I found the above quote, it made me think of that song.

As I read the quote again and again as I listen to the song, I realized that I'm a million miles away from everything.  I've momentarily lost my soul.

I'm just getting over some kind of vicious virus that did not want to go away and my tooth decided to give me a hard time again, so now I'm dealing with a swollen face and sinus problems.  Guess that all plays into the mix.  I'm tired of not feeling good for a long stretch of time.

It is irritating me that at a time when I should be continuing to search for the new meaning I've been looking for in my life, I have to deal with some kind of physical pain.  I'm usually stronger than this.  I want my "soul" back!  It feels dark and cold and out of control.

Joy that comes out of sorrow . . . maybe that is the lesson.

God has put me in this place and time . . . my hope and faith needs to carry me through the conclusion of this lesson as I continue my journey to attain the harmony  that comes from peace,love and happiness.

Aren't we all on that journey in one way or another?

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There is nothing love cannot face

There is nothing love cannot face; 

there is no limit to its faith, 

its hope, and its endurance.

St. Paul

I Corinthians 13:7

Those are some of the most beautiful words ever written
 from my favorite part of the bible. I don't read it often enough!

Have you ever lived these words?

Think about it . . . you know you have!

Have you ever loved another person so much that your love's endurance outlived the problems that persisted with lots of faith and hope to keep you going?

I often wonder why people stay in relationships that did not make them happy.  Perhaps living without that person they loved so much would be impossible.  Many move on to get past the little irritations that make them unhappy and end up with the greatest relationship they could ever dream of.

How about the single mom with the impossible child as she struggles with survival in this crazy world, all by herself?  That would take lots of hope and faith!

There are so many instances I could go on and on about that this quote from the greatest book ever written can be applied to.  Such simple words with so much meaning!

It all starts and ends with love.

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The Encouragement of Love

Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.

Louisa May Alcott

There are times that a strong faith in God or the guidance and encouragement from those we love and look up to make all the difference in the world. Some are lucky enough to have both.

God's love and guidance is available to everyone.  Hopefully we all have those who love and encourage us when we need it.

Do you sometimes have the vision but lack the motivation to reach your highest aspirations?  Do you reach out to those you love in these times?  Do you trust enough to follow where they may lead you?

It all starts with the first rung of the ladder and progresses toward the top at its own pace.  There are times when trying to reach the top in the first step will lead you nowhere . . . it is impossible, or so it seems.  Isn't it the purpose of a ladder, to take one step at a time?

It is faith and trust that leads us to that first step.

The following is an excerpt from a Daily Om article that speaks of trusting in those we love to help us make that first step, or the second, or third.

"The love of important people in our lives can serve as a secure foundation for our outer-world endeavors because knowing that we are cared for grants us a higher degree of self-confidence than we might otherwise have known. 

We can courageously take risks and embark upon endeavors that take us outside of our comfort zones because we know that we can retreat into the affectionate embrace of the important people in our lives if anything should go wrong. Likewise, simply knowing that these individuals believe that we are capable of achieving great feats of emotional and intellectual fortitude provides us with much of the strength we need to prevail over adversity.

You will feel the weighty comfort of the tenderness of those who love you today, and the security this comfort affords you will help you grow as an individual."

Source: Daily Om

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Patience

"What does patience feel like? It's a subtle unfolding with time as your ally. You feel relaxed and trust that it will all work out, even if in this very moment, there's no clear path to the end. It feels like the subtle uneasiness of allowing all you're uncomfortable with to be exactly as it is."

- Mastin Kipp, founder of TDL


TDL Links:

Twitter - 
www.Twitter.com/TheDailyLove 

Beta Site -
www.TheDailyLove.com

This latest journey into unfortunate life challenges has taken me from times of extreme patience and faith straight to being out of control in the depths of hell, walking through that fire of hopeless pessimism with more than subtle uneasiness with all I'm uncomfortable with.  Living without running water is not the easiest endeavor I've ever encountered.

Time has not been my ally.  As time goes by, patience escapes me more intensely although it comes back in fleeting moments of faith.  Of course I know the problem will eventually be solved, but my patience . . . or lack of . . . is making time seem to stand still.

The Captain is feeling better after being hit with a nasty flu, the parts have been purchased and he will start working on the problem again.  I know I haven't made life easy for him . . . shame on me, it is not his fault.

What is patience anyway?  

Wikipedia defines it as "the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without acting on annoyance/anger in a negative way."  

Human nature and difficult circumstances takes certain personality types to the brink of teetering on the edge, losing control and the grip of perspective.  

Years ago I would have retreated to the comfort of my mom's house without even trying to endure the difficulty.  It has been an option I have considered during the moments of extreme frustration, however,  I've developed a stubborn streak of determination to endure what is difficult.  Progress?

Perhaps this is the lesson to be learned through this latest challenge . . . patience . . . and holding on to it with lots of faith.  

It is one of those delicate balances in life . . . teetering on the edge of frustration, impatience, patience and faith in the midst of difficult times, drifting from one to the other, even though I have trusted that everything will eventually work out.

Although there is still no clear path to the end of this dilemma, at least tonight I am feeling more relaxed and in control of my emotions.

Simple?  I think not!

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Restrictions of realism

When we allow ourselves to articulate our thoughts and feelings without limitations, we are more apt to stumble upon concepts that enable us to add new richness to our lives. 

Innovation can only happen when we introduce experimentation as a guiding theory in our lives. Because we do not limit our modes of expression, we can utilize our imaginative minds in our day-to-day existence, and thereby approach challenges playfully.

Unbound by convention or the restrictions of realism, we also can conceive of wild and fantastic solutions to the problems we face. These uncultivated notions become the rough foundations of the refined and workable ideas that we develop more fully in those circumstances that require us to be practical. Your free-spirited and innovative approach to both work and play will help you grow into your creativity today.

Source: The Daily Om

I'm going to try to make a long story as short as possible!

After going through a process of experimentation in fixing the water pump ourselves without success, we bit the bullet and arranged for professional help to pinpoint the problem and get an estimate of how much it would cost.

First of all, let me give you a great piece of advice . . . do not buy a house that runs on well water pump system with no chance of hooking up to the city water system!

Through many years, problems have come up with the water pump and they have been relatively inexpensive and a quick fix.  Not this time!

The only time not having water was a real inconvenience was the year one of the hurricanes came too close for comfort, however, the damage in this area was mainly electrical outage for at least a week.  No electricity to run the water pump, so . . . no running water.  It was after JR died and before The Captain came into my life.  I was totally alone and made it through with much innovation.  You don't understand the importance of something as not having water until it is gone!

The shock of what it was going to take to get the water running again took my breath away momentarily . . . I kind of freaked out a bit and retreated from society a couple of days.  Not only did the professional fix involve taking down fences, big trees, reconfiguring raised beds and I can't remember what else, just so their truck could get to the pump.  It was WAY too expensive and way too much work for not even having a guarantee that was going to fix the problem.

If that didn't work, we would need a totally new well drilled . . . 

The Captain asked the professional a lot of questions and set out to do some online research . . . perhaps he could do the work himself and save thousands of dollars?  His research showed so many others who encountered the same problem and they wrote about how they did their own fix.  Thank God for innovative people who do not want others to think they can't do it themselves.  

My sweetie says he will get it working again . . . and I have an abundance of faith and trust in him. 

Needless to say, it has been days of major decision making of how to fix the problem and also of great importance was how to live without running water for who knows how long.  

I could take the dog and escape to my mom's house for a mini-vacation while The Captain slaves away at fixing the well and living without running water . . . but I can't leave him to face the problem alone.  So, we are on a new adventure of creative survival.

Let me tell you . . . realism does not necessarily mean impossible and enough obstacles to not make it happen.  It has to work . . . and that is taking a great deal of innovation and creativity as we enter Day # I don't remember.

We have tackled each problem as it comes up one at a time.  So far, so good! Another one of those experiences that make great stories we can laugh at after all is fixed and working again.

Keep us in your prayers!

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