Riding the Roller Coaster

 

I've been accepting the negative emotions today, facing them head on.  I'm not trying to ignore the bad feelings, I acknowledge them and ask myself why.  My responses go on a list so I can deal with them later.

It has been one of the best two weeks since The Captain went into the hospital last year.  What a good feeling it has been to experience  "normal" at times.  Very positive progress.  I'm also enjoying social media again.  Facebook has become my happy place.

The intense feelings of grief started creeping up on me this morning and little by little has taken over tonight.  An important trigger day is coming up tomorrow and another at the end of the month . . . both of my husbands were born in March.  So that means another night of no sleep associated with trigger times.

It is a roller coaster that doesn't want to stop, but I am looking for the off button and I hope to find it very soon.

One thing I do every day is count my blessings and thank God.  I'm grateful since my life is pretty good except for the grief roller coaster.  Blessings are what I focus on and I feel so lucky.  Maybe if I keep focusing on positivity, it won't be another night or a month of no sleep.

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Nature's Peace

"But much of what we truly need can only be found under the naked sky, alongside tall trees, on open plains, or in the sound of running water.

When you step out of your door each morning, pause for a minute and close your eyes long enough to let your senses absorb your surroundings. Listen and breathe deeply, until you hear the wind rustling through branches, smell rain on damp grass, and see the reflection of leaves brushing up against windowpanes.  

Taking a walk under the stars or feeling the wind on your face may be all it takes for you to reconnect with nature. Remember, you are as much a part of nature as are the leaves on a tree or water bubbling in a brook." 

Source: DailyOM

Through the years I have learned to appreciate nature's peace as time has passed.  

Job stress drove me to retire unusually early from a career that I truly loved, but the stress of office politics got the best of me in the end.

As I gained an appreciation for nature's peace, I built up an intolerance for office politics. I'm the type of person who would rather walk away over having to deal with unpleasantness.  It is something that I'd rather not deal with.  Life is way too short!

However, there were times when it was necessary to just bite my tongue, turn the other cheek and ignore what was happening around me, no matter how unpleasant it was.  It was also in those days when I still had patience with faith and hope in people.

The utilization of breaks and lunch hours outdoors kept me going in many jobs that were unpleasant since the place of employment happened to be situated in a very peaceful outdoor setting where I could escape for just a little while.  It made it tolerable.

One of my last jobs left me so burned out that it affected me emotionally.  That is when I turned to a psychologist for help.  After a while, it occurred to me that I could heal myself in my way.  

I turned to nature.  My back yard became my paradise, a sanctuary where I could escape, established my goal to make it a beautiful place of serenity and enjoy the gifts that God gave us in nature.  

Those changes made all the difference in my life.  They were the happiest years of my first marriage, which was a blessing since he passed away at such a young age.  But I had the peace of mind that I made the last years of his life so happy.

Simple things in life became priceless and for the most part, I wanted no part of those things that cost money and cluttered my house. Money took a back seat in my life as the lifestyle of Simple Abundance took over.  

And it all started with nature's peace . . . God's gift to all of us!

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Moving through the darkness

"We can take our inspiration from any fairy tale that finds its central character lost in a dark wood, frightened and alone. We know that the journey through the wood provides its own kind of beauty and richness. On the other side, we will emerge transformed, lighter and brighter, braver and more confident for having moved through that darkness.

This is just life’s way of taking us to a place we need to go for reasons that go deeper than our own ability to reason. These hard knocks and trials are designed to shed light on our unconscious workings and deepen our experience of reality."

Source:  Daily Om 

We are apparently living in lala land and these "hard knocks" are designed to deepen our experience of reality?  That was my thought after reading today's quotes from the Daily Om.

Actually, it all feels like the movie "Groundhog Day."  Seriously.

The theme of our year has been "readdressing old issues over and over again" . . . and it seems as if we are moving through the darkness, going in circles which lead to nowhere.

Very frustrating!

In the past week, we have had to deal with health problems, car problems, home repair problems persist and nothing has changed.  Oh please, I will spare you the details of these things that don't want to go away!

I'm having faith that all of these irritating life situations are building my character into a stronger, better person and I'll ultimately become fearless and worry-free . . . a contradiction of my own life.  It could be the lesson that the good Lord is blessing me with.  

We all run into all types of contradictions through the course of life's lessons.

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Stop Me

An old love from the past had come back into my life.  It was an unresolved issue that haunted me most of my adult life.  He had joined the military and never came back . . . well, not until many years after I became a widow.  We had a second chance for a future together when he came back into my life through Classmates.com after all those years.  

To make a long story short . . . 
I walked away after determining that we were never meant to be.  

Although I was heartbroken, my wise decision brought the closure and resolution to one of the biggest heartaches of my youth.  At the time, I didn't see my decision as one of the greatest blessings of my life.

The irony of life and holding on to hope and faith . . .

One door closes and another opens! 

The Captain came into my life shortly after my decision to just walk away from what I determined was not my destiny and I wrote the following post.  There were no expectations, The Captain and I developed an awesome friendship that eventually turned into love and forever.

I'm grateful that no one tried to STOP ME!

This post was originally  published on 2/24/09

I have always held firmly to the thought
that each one of us can do a little to
bring some portion of misery to an end.

(Albert Schweitzer)

Isn't that the truth?
Don't we sometimes perpetuate our own misery?

I've caught myself midstream into a pity party and have finally been able to pick myself up in the midst of getting to that miserable place. It is an example of what we can learn to do in order to stop that vicious cycle of misery and finally bring it to an end.

Slaying the dragon . . .
it has been one of my biggest demons

In light of recent developments in my life that seems to be another vicious cycle . . . circumstances that make me deliriously happy and feeling as though I'm walking on clouds only to make my ascent from the heavenly clouds abrupt and painful. The disappointments keep happening.

Do I turn off that part of me that thoroughly enjoys expectations of happiness after such a long period of grief and misery? Every time I'm disappointed I go back and readdress expectations in my life. Next time I am going on about how happy I am . . . STOP ME . . . it is like the kiss of death.

Must I turn off that part of me that feels joy because romantic history continues to repeat itself and I always end up more unhappy than before the joy happened? Next time I am going on about feeling joy . . . STOP ME . . . it is like the kiss of death.

I'm learning to forget about great expectations . . . and to me, that is so very sad . . . it is part of the beauty and allure of the quest for love and romance . . . and so much a part of who I am.

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Howl at the moon!

There are lazy days like today, when I like to go back through my old blogs and journal entries to get a feel for a moment in time when life was not so great.  It makes me feel so grateful for the life changes I have made and so appreciative of my new little family.  

When I recollect a place in time, like the time in June of 2008 when Buddy the dog bit me and ran away, the darkness momentarily creeps up on me like a bad dream.  He was JR's beloved dog, who resented me no matter how much love I gave him.  It is like he blamed me for JR's death . . . even though I know that a dog does not have that capacity . . . or do they? 

As if she knew that darkness was creeping up on me, my sweet little furbaby Kiki came to where I am sitting at the computer and put her little paw on my arm, and I could feel her telling me "it is OK mommy, the nightmare is over" . . . animals know!  The love in those big brown eyes made me realize that I am so lucky that The Captain convinced me it was time to adopt our sweet furbabies last year.

I still have times of momentary darkness when it feels like full moon madness and wanting to howl at the moon as loudly as I can.  The sadness and grief of missing my "previous family" trips me up and takes me back.  On the other hand, I never want to forget them . . . they were a huge part of my life.  The difference is that I have my new family and the loneliness has disappeared.

Today I am so blessed that I found that man to love, be loved by and spend the rest of my life with and sweet Kiki and Mimi to share our lives with.  I thought of that this morning when we were all sitting on the bed, the fur babies wanting love and attention from us . . . we share so much love.

My love of dogs overshadowed the fear of my previous experience in June of 2008 that brought on a fear of dogs that I thought would never go away.  And The Captain introduced me to the world of cats that I had never explored before we adopted Mimi.

Time does heal . . .



This entry was originally published on June 8, 2008 Is there a full moon out? This week has been non-stop full moon madness . . . not just this week, it started around Mother's Day. Things felt better, I picked myself up and the past couple of days have knocked me down again big time . . . but no, I'm not defeated . . . this time I feel strong and determined to shed this phase of full moon madness.

Buddy is gone . . . he ran away after biting my foot . . . it took me at least an hour to stop the bleeding. Did I mention that it hurts like hell and I want to scream every time I put my weight on my foot?

My heart is broken . . . when I opened the door to put my foot under the outside hose so I would not get blood all over my floors, he ran out and would not come back during a fierce thunder and lightning storm.

Something bizarre has been going on with the little guy lately. Every time there was a storm, he would cry like a baby and want in the house. I kept him in my back room that was secured with a doggie gate . . . he wasn't allowed in the main part of the house since he is so destructive. He learned how to knock the gate down and pretty much broke the gate, making it easy for him to escape.

I thought he would be back by now . . . and really, I'm having mixed feelings. I love him, he has been my baby for something like 12 years. I've made jokes about him being Cujo, but he DID turn on me at a time of high anxiety without me putting a hand on him. I'm too scared of him, which is part of the problem, he is a spoiled dog who gets no discipline because I didn't want him to bite me.

Hopefully, he has already found another home where he doesn't feel such resentment towards his master. It just seems like since JR died, he was never the same . . . neither one of us has been . . .

This has broken my heart and now I'm so scared of dogs. Dogs have always been such a huge part of my life . . . but I was never so fiercely bitten before.

I've been thinking of what my life is gonna be like without my little Buddy.

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A Time for Blessings

Sometimes when I'm feeling down, I go back to my old blogs to revisit where I've been to appreciate where I am now.  The following writing spoke to me today . . . I need to go back to the basics of a simple abundance lifestyle.  

I didn't write it and I have no idea where it came from.  

Simple abundance is priceless . . .

Set your own pace........When someone is pushing you, it's ok to tell them they're pushing.

Take nothing for granted........Watch water flow, the corn grow, the leaves blow, your neighbors mow.

Allow yourself time to be lazy and unproductive........Rest isn't a luxury, it's a necessity.

Listen to the wind blow........It carries a message of yesterday and tomorrow........And now.........Now counts.

Rest on your laurels........They bring comfort whatever their size, age or condition.

Talk slower. Talk less. Don't talk. Communication isn't measured by words.

Give yourself permission to be late sometimes........Life is for living, not scheduling.

Listen to the song of a bird........The complete song. Music and nature are gifts, but only if you are willing to receive them.

Slow down. God is still in heaven........You are not responsible for doing it all...yourself... right now.

Remember a happy, peaceful time in your past........Rest there. Each moment has a richness that takes a lifetime to savor.

Quit planning how you're going to use what you know, learn or possess........God's gifts just are. Be grateful and their purpose will be clear.

When you walk with someone, don't think about what you'll say next........Thoughts will spring up naturally if you let them.

Talk and play with children........It will bring out the unhurried little person inside you.

Create a place in your home...At your work....in your heart...where you can go for quiet and recollection. You deserve it.

Take time to think........Action is good and necessary, but it's  fruitful only if we muse, ponder and mull.

Make time for play........The things you like to do. Whatever your age, your inner child needs re-creation.

Watch and listen to the night sky........It speaks.

Listen to the words you speak........Especially in prayer.

Learn to stand back and let others take their turn as leaders........ There will always be new opportunities for you to step out in front again.

Divide big jobs into little jobs........If God took six days to create the universe, can you do any better?

Direct your life with purposeful choices, not with speed and efficiency........The best musician is one who plays with expression and meaning, not the one who finishes first.

Take a day off alone........Make a retreat. You can learn from monks and hermits without becoming one.

Pet a furry friend........You will give and get the gift of now.

Work with your hands........It frees the mind.

Take time to wonder........Without wonder, life is merely an existence.

Sit in the dark........It will treat you to see and hear, taste and smell.

Once in awhile........Turn down the lights, The throttle, The invitations. Less really can be more.

Let go........Nothing is usually the hardest thing to do...but often it is the best.

Taste your food........God gave it to delight as well as nourish.

Notice the sun and the moon as they rise and set........They are remarkable for their steady pattern of movement, not their speed.

And as you ramble on thru life my dearest friend........Keep your eye upon the doughnut, and not upon the hole.

"AND SLOWLY COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS ONE AT A TIME"

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