Disappointment, truth and lies

 

People in general have disappointed me more than usual lately.  I have written about the pharmacy that continues to mistreat their clients.  It isn't just me.  They finally gave me one of the medications that make my life more bearable, however, they gave me a month's worth but charged me with three months.  I didn't realize it until I tried to refill the prescription and was accused of abusing my medication.  That was the ultimate insult from this pharmacy after all the problems I've had.  For one thing, I don't take the minimum of what I can take and not even close to taking more.  I hate being dependent on pills to feel normal.  Also hate it being a case of my word against theirs and having to do without my medication again.

My latest disappointment is my little Kiki's vet.  I will start by saying that after all the loss in my life, my dog is one of the most important "people" in my life.  My latest trip to the vet for the yearly visit has majorly concerned me.  Kiki is over 15 years old, I know she is going to develop health problems sooner or later.  She is the seemingly most healthy dog I have ever had.  The vet had me scared to death that she had sepsis and was ready to die.  $1000 and a ton of medication later, I have to take her back to get tested again.  Another $1000?  I swear to God, she seems perfectly healthy to me despite the vet telling me she has all these things wrong with her.

I am a responsible dog mama.  If my baby needs these medications and testing to have a quality of life that includes her being healthy and pain free, I am totally willing to do what is necessary to make that happen.  My gut tells me that she may need medication for her arthritis and vitamins/supplements to make her feel the best she can feel, but they are stretching the truth about her overall condition. 

It is a concern for me either way.  But when my gut tells me they are playing with my emotions to make more money, that upsets me greatly.  

The older I get, the more I am also concerned with the way seniors are treated.  Never in my life have people made me feel so stupid when I know I am a very intelligent person.  Growing old was never an emotional concern, but that is changing.  I have always tried to be as nice as I can when dealing with people even when they are not.  Lately I don't care if I am nice or not.  Being a nice senior means being mistreated and taken advantage of.  Nice is perceived as being stupid.

I hate it.  Everybody is growing older . . . one day they will realize the error of their ways and I hope ask God for forgiveness.

 

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Faith, Love and Time

 

The Memorial Day weekend was bittersweet and difficult.

Military holidays were so special for The Captain, they were a part of who he was.  I had never experienced a person who was so patriotic and so proud of his military service.  I often thought that when he retired from the military, a part of him died.  It is who he was, but no longer had an active part in it.  It is a sad fact of retirement, you kind of lose your identity.

Although I dislike war movies, I almost wanted the bombardment of his holiday ritual, marathon war movies.  They meant he was alive and well and still with me.  

It was one of those times that I just needed to be alone and cry my eyes out.  Somehow it makes me feel better and allows me to be strong.  That doesn't make sense, but grief does not make sense.  Just when I think I can handle life again, it hits me like a ton of bricks.

Looking back at the memories that flooded me over the weekend, although I hate what grief does to me, it means that I loved deeply.  And for that I will always be grateful.  

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Loud Silence

 

It has been a weird time.  Yes, the silence is loud.  Sometimes it is hard to breathe.  I need to write and let this out, but I really don't know what to say.  I'm enjoying being alone in my silence, but it would be great if he was here with me.  Only him.  God knows how much I miss him.

It was so good to finally see my family again after all these months, I missed them so much.  However, words have been difficult to find and conversation is so difficult right now.  The Captain and I were rarely without words.  He is the only one I want to talk to, but I never will again.

Yes, it is a difficult time, but this too shall pass.

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Don't give up now

 

But really, do I have a choice?

I guess it was his birthday, a trigger day that started me on the roller coaster again.  Just when I was starting to feel better.

I'm so tired of feeling better only to slip back into this funky phase of grief.  The good thing is I have writing about it to help me get through the awful moments.

If it seems like I am ready to give up going on with my life and having a normal life again, the answer is hell no, I will never give up.  I got through losing JR and I will get through losing The Captain.  He taught me that life does go on . . . he made it possible for me to do so.  It isn't easy, but life isn't easy.

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Bitterness and Anger

"When we acknowledge that it is okay to feel bitter, we reconnect with our hurt in a constructive way and can begin the process of working through it."

An excerpt from an article on The Daily Om entitled "Bitterness" . . . the article follows this post.  Visit their website for awesome life insight!

The article on bitterness really hit home for me.  The Captain and I are still living at my mom's house since Hurricane Irma dropped a tree on our now uninhabitable home.

Our patience with government assistance, bureaucracy and endless red tape has worn extremely thin.  Although we were finally approved for SBA disaster assistance, they made a mistake and just when we thought the money would be in the bank within days, the phone call came informing us of a mistake they made which would prolong the process another two months.   

So we continue to wait . . . at least we were able to get the tree off the house with FEMA assistance.  However, cracked rafters make it unsafe to be under that roof that could collapse at any time.  I have not been back home since the hurricane.

Before I go further into this post, I want to mention how grateful I am for my mom, who is putting up with our little quirks and a major disruption in her life.

I'm so grateful for the assistance we have received from FEMA and the SBA.  What would we have done without them?  

Aside from being so thankful and grateful for our many blessings, I have crept into the clutches of bitterness and anger.  I just want to go home!  Every time we think it is almost over, we run into another obstacle.  It has been unbelievable!

The disasters of last summer with the unusual hurricane devastation way beyond normal left the government with more than they could handle.  There are many other families still forced out of their homes after almost six months of experiencing the reality of becoming homeless.  Puerto Rico is still enduring the devastating situation as if it happened yesterday with no end in sight.  No matter how temporary the situation is, maintaining long term patience and a good attitude is almost impossible.  Bitterness is inevitable for even the most normal person.

There are times that bitterness and anger are necessary to keep going.  Human nature is to wonder "why me" and it is emotionally healthy to let yourself experience the horrible feelings in order to deal with it.  It doesn't help to sweep anything unpleasant under the rug like it doesn't exist.

The Captain and I are just taking one day at a time with as much optimism we can collect to carry to another day.  We know that this too shall pass . . .

Bitterness

BY MADISYN TAYLOR Bitter feelings allow us to become perfect victims, in that we no longer feel obliged to work toward healing. It is natural to feel resentment or anger when life does not unfold as expected. We consciously or unconsciously anticipated one experience, and we grieve for the loss of it when the universe puts something else in our path. Most of the time, we work through these feelings and they pass. Occasionally, our anger and resentment do not fade and are instead transformed into bitterness. Bitter feelings allow us to become perfect victims in that we no longer feel obliged to work toward healing and choose instead to identify with our pain. Yet as unwholesome as bitterness can be, it is also a natural element of our emotional palette. When we acknowledge that it is okay to feel bitter, we reconnect with our hurt in a constructive way and can begin the process of working through it. The nature of bitterness is rooted in the fact that the pain we feel provides us with a rationale. We may feel that we deserve to embrace our bitterness to its full extent. And to be bitter is, in essence, to cut ourselves off from all that is positive, hardening our hearts and vowing never to let go of our hurt. But just as bitter feelings can be self-defeating, so too can the release of bitterness be life-affirming in a way that few other emotional experiences are. When we decide that we no longer want to be bitter, we are reborn into a world filled with delight and fulfillment unlike any we knew while in the clutches of bitterness. The veil it cast over our lives is lifted, letting light and warmth touch our souls. Divesting yourself of bitter feelings can be as simple as truly forgiving and moving on. Even when your bitterness has no concrete object, you can forgive situations too. Healing pain can be challenging but may be easier if you remind yourself that you are the only entity truly affected by your emotional state. In time, you will discover that letting go of your bitterness frees you to initiate the healing process and allows you to once again celebrate the possibility of the more wonderful life you deserve. Source:  The Daily Om . . . one of my favorite websites!

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Bad experiences . . . grateful?

There was a time I had found love and had finally trusted another person enough to let him into my life in a meaningful way.  Probably like many other long distance relationships, it was a rocky road and it was a very confusing time, yet happy at the same time.  Talk about a roller coaster ride!

The Captain and I had already met in person.  He had visited several times and all I knew is that I was madly in love with him.  But there were other considerations to ponder.  They were life changing times!

At the same time, I had decided it was time to get a real job, so I was knee deep in the search for employment and all the frustrations associated with that.


It was a time that my faith carried me to everything I wanted.  The Captain eventually moved to Florida and I found that fulfilling job I was searching for.

This post was originally published
on October 31, 2009

Nothing is a waste of time
if you use your experience wisely.

Auguste Rodin, 1840-1917

Even bad experiences are life lessons that prepare you

to cope with whatever fate has in store for you.

I'm grateful for all the bad experiences in my

past . . . they have made me the person I am today

and the stronger person I will be tomorrow.

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Moving through the darkness

"We can take our inspiration from any fairy tale that finds its central character lost in a dark wood, frightened and alone. We know that the journey through the wood provides its own kind of beauty and richness. On the other side, we will emerge transformed, lighter and brighter, braver and more confident for having moved through that darkness.

This is just life’s way of taking us to a place we need to go for reasons that go deeper than our own ability to reason. These hard knocks and trials are designed to shed light on our unconscious workings and deepen our experience of reality."

Source:  Daily Om 

We are apparently living in lala land and these "hard knocks" are designed to deepen our experience of reality?  That was my thought after reading today's quotes from the Daily Om.

Actually, it all feels like the movie "Groundhog Day."  Seriously.

The theme of our year has been "readdressing old issues over and over again" . . . and it seems as if we are moving through the darkness, going in circles which lead to nowhere.

Very frustrating!

In the past week, we have had to deal with health problems, car problems, home repair problems persist and nothing has changed.  Oh please, I will spare you the details of these things that don't want to go away!

I'm having faith that all of these irritating life situations are building my character into a stronger, better person and I'll ultimately become fearless and worry-free . . . a contradiction of my own life.  It could be the lesson that the good Lord is blessing me with.  

We all run into all types of contradictions through the course of life's lessons.

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Leaving Baggage Behind

A serious sensibility may come over you today, prompting periods of self-reflection. You may be overcome by an intense curiosity that compels you to delve into your past in order to determine how your personal history has influenced your life in the present.

As you contemplate what you consider to be the important episodes in your life, you may discover that emotions you imagined were no longer exerting influence over your life are still a part of your experience. In order to cleanse your karma and reestablish your soulful equilibrium, you may need to analyze the emotional baggage you are carrying and then discard it. You can achieve true closure today by recognizing those parts of your previous life experiences that add no value to your life in the present. 

As you clear the emotional baggage that has accumulated in your soul over time, you will gain an unimpeded and consequently optimistic view of your future. Each of us is gradually saddled with more and more of this type of baggage as we move through life and eventually it begins to weigh heavily on our spirits. Clearing emotional baggage frees you from the limitations and patterns of thought imposed upon you by circumstances from your past. As you discard this karmic waste, you will attain a state of mental clarity that allows you to see life’s wonders for the miracles they truly are and divest yourself of habits and behaviors that add no value to your experience. Your soul will be rejuvenated today as you release your emotional baggage.

 Source: Daily Om

Letting go of emotional baggage has been one of the most difficult areas in the healing process of my life. Grief, the associated guilt and the pain of past hurts that sweep over me when I least expect it sometimes knock me down. 

Through the years, my coping mechanisms have made it easier to pick myself back up, even though the waves of emotion sometimes make it difficult.

It is easy for someone not going through the emotion to simply say, "pack it up and put it away" . . . easier said than done although not totally impossible. The healing process of emotional baggage is a "one day at a time" kind of thing.

The key is to remember you are in control of the present, despite the past.

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Positive energy vs negative realities

We have all subconsciously been programmed throughout a lifetime by our parents, friends, siblings, ourselves, and lasting emotions from past experience, whether we know it or not. Our belief system is within the inner self, guiding and controlling our thoughts and actions. Actions create the reality whether it is positive or negative.


Understanding what we have been programmed to believe is the key to striking the balance between positive energy and negative realities. A person can have all the positive energy necessary to create a positive reality, however, when the little voice within has been programmed to expect a negative reality, the little voice will usually win. Positive programming results in positive realities.


Our belief system is an important factor of success, therefore, the person with the negative belief system must learn how to rewrite the program . . . get rid of the negative, self-limiting beliefs in order to guide future actions positively.


Unless we change what needs to be changed within ourselves, we can indulge in rationalizations and illusions that do nothing but feed a vicious cycle of negativity . . . “what if . . .”.


Those afflicted with a negative belief system tend to use negative affirmations without realizing it. The phrase “I can’t” spoken out loud or thought about is the best example of a negative affirmation. Say it enough times and the negative affirmation becomes a negative reality.


Striking the balance between positive and negative is in the thought process. Dwelling on negative realities keeps the negative programming alive. Consciously rejecting negative thoughts is the beginning of rewriting the program.


Of course a certain amount of worry in a given situation is healthy. Living life looking through rose colored glasses, throwing caution to the wind is irresponsible.


Realize that you are always a work in progress, be patient with yourself, knowing that you were born to do great things in your life. Give yourself the gift of the highest of expectations expecting more progress on some days than others.


Allow every positive or negative experience to be a learning experience . . . focus on the positive lesson learned. Embrace the philosophy that everything happens for a reason . . . accept whatever it is and move on.

“The biggest enemies we have to overcome on the road to success are not a lack of ability and a lack of opportunity, but fears of failure and rejection and the doubts that they trigger.”

(Brian Tracy, from the book, Eat That Frog!)

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Irreplaceable hours

Often we allow ourselves to be upset by
small things we should despise and forget.

We lose many irreplaceable hours brooding
 over grievances that, in a year's time, will
be  forgotten by us and by everybody.

No, let us devote our life to worthwhile
 actions and feelings, to great thoughts,
 real affections and enduring undertakings.

(Andre Maurois)

Yes, I have racked up my share of irreplaceable hours worrying about stupid stuff that is completely out of my hands even though I often ask for God's assistance . . .

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr--

For those of us who are spiritual and believe in God . . .
shouldn't we trust God and put our worries and fears in his capable hands? Human nature takes us to that wasteland of unnecessary emotions that never produces positive results . . . at least that is the way it works for me.

Why should I really care about the lady at work who does not like me for whatever reason? Isn't it her problem, not mine? Of course it is her problem! When I stop worrying about why she doesn't like me and focus on being happy despite her nastiness, I end up having an awesome day at the office. At the same time, I pray to God to give this miserable woman peace in her soul.

One of my biggest pet peeves is careless drivers and the fear of traffic . . . way out of my hands . . . but almost torturous at times. I'm often asked why I don't trust God and just enjoy the ride. Little by little, one day at a time . . . the way I think about the experience is changing and becoming more of a pleasant experience rather than a necessary evil.

All those "little stupid things" . . . I could go on and on, but that just wastes irreplaceable time. Instead of dwelling on those things, I am striving to "devote my life to worthwhile actions and feelings, to great thoughts, real affections and enduring undertakings."

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Moving through Darkness

I'm living proof of
moving through darkness
described in this article!

Often it takes something major to wake us up,
to shake us loose from our ego’s grip as it
struggles to maintain an illusion of control.

In life, most of us want things to go to the places we have envisioned ourselves going. We have plans and visions, some of them divinely inspired, that we want to see through to completion. We want to be happy, successful, and healthy, all of which are perfectly natural and perfectly human. So when life takes us to places we didn’t consciously want to go, we often feel as if something has gone wrong, or we must have made a mistake somewhere along the line, or any number of other disheartening possibilities. This is just life’s way of taking us to a place we need to go for reasons that go deeper than our own ability to reason. These hard knocks and trials are designed to shed light on our unconscious workings and deepen our experience of reality.

Often it takes something major to wake us up, to shake us loose from our ego’s grip as it struggles to maintain an illusion of control. It is loss of control more than anything else that humbles us and enables us to see the big picture. It reminds us that the key to the universe lies in what we do not know, and what we do know is a small fraction of the great mystery in which we live. This awareness softens and lightens us, as we release our resistance to what is. Another gift gleaned from going to these seemingly undesirable places is that, in our response to difficulty, we can see all the patterns and unresolved emotional baggage that stand in the way of our unconditional joyfulness. Joy exists within us independently of whether things go our way or not. And when we don’t feel it, we can trust that we will find it if we are willing to surrender to the situation, moving through it as we move through our difficult feelings.

We can take our inspiration from any fairy tale that finds its central character lost in a dark wood, frightened and alone. We know that the journey through the wood provides its own kind of beauty and richness. On the other side, we will emerge transformed, lighter and brighter, braver and more confident for having moved through that darkness.

Source: Daily Om

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The Longest Journey

Sometime in your life you will go on a journey.

It will be the longest journey you have ever taken.

It is the journey to find yourself.

Katherine Sharp

The journey has been long and painful at times . . . on the other hand, it has been the most exciting adventure of my life.

Although there are times that I seem to have lost my way and don’t recognize who I am when I look in the mirror, I know myself much better than I have in all of my life.

My dreams were somewhat buried through the years underneath life experiences, failures, triumphs, contentment, good intentions, rejection, peace, happiness, love. As I peel back the layers of my life to find my authentic self and what she wants, I realize that some of those dreams in my days of youth don’t match my dreams of today.

The only major dream of my youth that I did not explore was to pursue that career as a singer/songwriter. Maybe it was not the right time. Perhaps the time to at least sell what I wrote so many years ago is now. The pursuit of the creation and performing is no longer with me, although I do aspire to write, the method has changed . . . the guitar and keyboard put away long ago. The new method is my computer keyboard.

There is still a song in my heart, a desire for something more, a different type of fulfillment than I have ever known . . . all I know is that the feeling is what I describe as peace, love and happiness.

Who knows, maybe a famous entertainer will want to sing my songs and the rush of happiness and fulfillment will be the words and music of one of my songs heard on the radio as I drive down the street one day. I’ve often wondered what that would feel like. All I know is that all the money in the world would never come close to that feeling.

On the journey of life, no one knows what lies beyond the path they are on . . . good or bad, it is the road to fate and destiny. Hopefully the destiny matches the dreams.

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