A Heavy Heart

The holidays are hitting me harder than usual this year.  I know it is the recent decision to put my sweet fur baby Kiki to sleep a month or so ago.  I miss her terribly and feel so much guilt since I had to sign that damn paper.  It has compounded the loss of two husbands.  The good memories both help and hurt me.

I have found many groups and pages on Facebook that have helped me cope.  The following is a poem from one of them.  The source is also listed.  I could have written this myself . . .

You think she's angry, but you don't see,

The weight she carries silently.

It’s not the rage that fills her eyes,

But tiredness in a thin disguise.

She's not furious, but worn and torn,

From dreams abandoned, hopes forlorn.

She’s tired, she’s weary, she’s feeling lost,

Paying life’s relentless cost.

She’s sinking deep in a sea of doubt,

Crying softly, without a shout.

Frustration builds, but not from hate

It’s the closed doors, the heavy weight.

She promised much, her dreams were bright,

But now she battles every night.

She wants to give, to rise, to shine,

But life’s harsh currents pull the line.

So when you see her weary stare,

Know it’s not anger, but despair.

She’s fighting hard to find her way,

Hoping tomorrow’s a kinder day.

- Christina Stewart

Source for photo and poem

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When your dog is your soulmate

 

As I have grieved my fur baby Kiki, I have sought out social media forums and communities dedicated to help grievers cope with that terrible phase in their life.  It is important to surround yourself with those who have and are walking the same journey, just wanting to find peace.  Below you will find a post that said everything I have been thinking about my little girl. 

It has been over a month since she's been gone and I am still so heartbroken.  Starting to take her kennel down, her "house," has proven to be one of the most difficult endeavors ever for me.  I feel like I am betraying her and trying to erase her existence, which is so far from reality.  It is tearing me up big time.

If you are walking in my shoes, feeling the loss of a pet and grieving in a profound way, the following group on Facebook is for you.  The article below will help you understand why you are having such a difficult time when others who don't understand just think you are being ridiculous and just need to get over it.  It is that magical connection that is still so strong and always will be.

Source for article and graphics: Serendipity Corner

"When your dog is your soulmate, it feels like they’ve seen the depths of who you are and decided to love you anyway, flaws and all. There’s no pretense with them. They don’t care if you’ve had a bad day, if you’re broken, or if you’re lost. They just stay. Not because they have to, but because, for some reason, their soul fits with yours in a way that makes everything feel a little lighter.

It’s not about them reading your mind or sensing your moods like it’s some magical connection. It’s more raw than that. It’s in the moments where you feel like you’ve got nothing left to give, and yet, somehow, they bring out the part of you that still cares. It’s in their eyes, how they look at you like you’re the only thing that matters. There’s no pretending with them—no need to put up walls or hold back emotions. With them, you’re exactly who you are, and that’s enough.

And it’s more than just love—it’s the way they make you see yourself differently, the way they pull you out of places you didn’t even know you were stuck in. The bond is stronger than anything life throws at you because it’s rooted in something so simple and pure. They don’t just support you—they remind you, in the most basic, honest way, that you’re worth being loved. And when the world feels cold or distant, they’re the one soul you can count on, no matter what.

R.M. Drake 

Artist Credit: Lisa Aisato"

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Grief is a strange journey

 

I've been going through another grief journey that has knocked me down pretty hard. Losing a pet is an indescribable grief.

In order to make a real attempt of going through this loss better than the losses of two husbands, I have discovered and remember how different the feelings are when it is an innocent little creature who can't tell you they are sick. Our pets want to make us happy. Some of them take it so seriously that they can be so sick and close to death, but don't want to bother you with it. Or so it seems.

Groups I have joined to cope with pet grief have opened my eyes to this. The majority of members say that they had no idea their pet was so gravely ill and it was too late to help them survive. Their described heartache matches mine. Total devastation at the loss of their precious best friend who was always so loyal and loving.

Although I am trying to stay busy and keep my mind occupied, my little Kiki is always on my mind. I've gone through so much guilt for not picking up that she was so sick. Those groups have helped me through that guilt. There is something to be said about surrounding yourself with those who understand what you are going through since they have experienced the same journey. The journey that never ends.

"Grief is a strange journey.

Each time we embark upon it, it is as though we have never taken its roads before.

No, I have that wrong: each grief brings us through a familiar landscape carved into unrecognizable contours.

For we do not only lose another person; we lose the person we were with the one we lost."

Patricia Monaghan

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The difficulty of grieving

Someone in a group I belong to told me that I'm in the "deep of grief" and I know that the way grief manifests itself changes with time.  But it never ever goes away.

My two recent losses, The Captain and my precious little Kiki were my immediate family that I lived with and loved day after day.  I am now completely lost with both of them gone.  My home is totally silent and feels so empty without them.  

When The Captain passed away, Kiki and I grew closer and we grieved together.  Dogs do grieve just like people, but in their own little way.  I have always taught my dogs to "talk" and Kiki took talking very seriously.  In our grieving together, she knew when I was going through a rough time and she would come to me and talk, hitting my leg with her paw, like to say "listen to me, I'm talking to you and want you to feel better."  The comforting look in her eyes was indescribable.  She comforted me like no human could and that made her so much more special than she already was.  

Now I am in the "deep of grief" over losing her company and comforting, resenting the fact that I can freely walk around and not worry about her tripping me since she was a Velcro dog.  I'm finding it so difficult to move past this and learn to live without her at my side every minute of every day.

I found this poem on the internet and it perfectly relates how I have been feeling since The Captain passed away and now Kiki. 

The harder we love

Means the harder we grieve

The harder it is

To go on when they leave

The harder to sleep

And the harder to wake

To know they’re not here

With each breath that we take

It’s hard to look forward

And hard to look back

Stuck in the middle,

Imprisoned and trapped

Where the harder the darkness

The harsher the light,

The harsher this world

That keeps spinning with life

But when that world’s feeling

So painful and hard

And you can’t imagine

Escaping the dark

It might help a little

To know it’s because

The harder we grieve

Means the harder we loved

******

Becky Hemsley 2023

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Run free little girl

 

As Kiki got older, I tried to protect myself from this time I am going through.

No matter what the vet told me, I was not convinced that she was as sick as he said.  She still did her cute little dance when it was time to eat like she always did, like a healthy dog at almost 16 years old.

My little partner, my little girl is gone and I am beyond heartbroken.  When I walk around the house, I still look down to make sure I am not stepping on her since she was always at my feet.  What a weird feeling it is for her not to be there.

Betsy and Buster were waiting for her at Rainbow Bridge.

Run free little girl.

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Lessening Grief

 

In the course of dealing with grief phases, I have found myself relying on memories as a comfort for the painful feelings of grief.  I'm always grateful for having had my loved ones share their life with me.  Even remembering not so great memories leads to being grateful.  Life is more than good times and anger has a place in there too.

Time changes the way we perceive memories.  I didn't realize that until The Captain passed away.  Memories of my life with JR have changed through the years without me realizing that it was happening.

Time lessens grief, but it never takes it away.  I have learned to be grateful for everything I have been blessed with, especially another day.

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Loud Silence

 

It has been a weird time.  Yes, the silence is loud.  Sometimes it is hard to breathe.  I need to write and let this out, but I really don't know what to say.  I'm enjoying being alone in my silence, but it would be great if he was here with me.  Only him.  God knows how much I miss him.

It was so good to finally see my family again after all these months, I missed them so much.  However, words have been difficult to find and conversation is so difficult right now.  The Captain and I were rarely without words.  He is the only one I want to talk to, but I never will again.

Yes, it is a difficult time, but this too shall pass.

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Don't give up now

 

But really, do I have a choice?

I guess it was his birthday, a trigger day that started me on the roller coaster again.  Just when I was starting to feel better.

I'm so tired of feeling better only to slip back into this funky phase of grief.  The good thing is I have writing about it to help me get through the awful moments.

If it seems like I am ready to give up going on with my life and having a normal life again, the answer is hell no, I will never give up.  I got through losing JR and I will get through losing The Captain.  He taught me that life does go on . . . he made it possible for me to do so.  It isn't easy, but life isn't easy.

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Love With No Place To Go

All that talk about positivity has gone out the window.  I find myself overthinking everything.  My happy, carefree attitude of taking one moment at a time has disappeared.  It is what grief is all about.  One must be ready for it to get through it quickly.  I'm trying!

The trick is to figure out how to pull yourself back to a comfortable place that is sometimes so difficult to find.  

Love with no place to go is rough and heartbreaking.

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Joyful Melody of Life

 

I've started listening to music regularly as I did in "normal times."  Music has been a part of life since I was a little girl enjoying the radio being on day and night by my family.  Songs have meaning to me as far as lyrics and bringing back memories.  It is strange how a song can be associated with a person, a place in time, an event, etc.  For me, music is so special for all of those reasons, as well as the love of a song or musician.

In the past couple of days, I have been drawn to songs that remind me of the beginning of my relationship with The Captain.  They brought up so many awesome memories that took me back to the time like it was yesterday.  That is what I love so much about music, it takes you there.

In this phase of grief, I can say that I have found the joyful melody of life with The Captain, remembering the great times with a smile on my face.  And just as fast as the smile appeared, so do the tears of a time in my life that is gone forever.  

The next grief phase will hopefully focus on the great times and the memories with only smiles and less sorrow.  I will listen to your song forever in my heart and the song will play softly, soothing my soul.

Cherish the music!

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Grief is schizophrenic

 

When grief gets a grip on you, it will take on a life of its own that no matter how hard you try, is so difficult to get through.  One of the problems is that it is ever changing and when you think you have it figured out and under control . . . BOOM . . . it will grab your attention and let you know otherwise.

Grief is schizophrenic!

Many of you know that my first husband passed away over 20 years ago.  As a reader of my blog you know that I am still grieving his loss to this day and having a difficult time with it.  And even though I have been through the grief all these years, I have determined that it is totally different for me this time.  So my notion of grief has changed.  Now the two are mingled and sometimes throws me for a loopy time.

Today is one of those loopy times.  I'm semi-paralyzed and have not done anything all day except sit here and try to think on how to get moving.  It is approaching early evening and I have not had a thing to eat or have not had a cup of coffee.  No energy, no motivation whatsoever!  There are days I don't eat at all, I don't want it and I am passionate about food.  Sometimes I can trick myself into gathering up some motivation and times like this there is no way.  Today my definition of self is that I am out of control and can't stop the roller coaster!

I can tell you that writing about it helps tremendously.  At times it gives me the opportunity to see a different perspective after I have written about it.  Try it if you are having grief incidents that are sometimes unbearable.

This too shall pass and tomorrow is another day with another grief phase - hope it is a good one!

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I was never ready for you to leave

 

My normal grief feels like all of the above at the same time.

It happened so fast.

On that morning, I woke up and was startled to see the far away look in his eyes.  It seemed to me so strange that he was normal the night before, although I felt something was off for a few days.  One of my first thoughts was "I'm not ready for him to leave me."  He was already gone, but it was months before he passed away.  

Since that day, unbearable sadness has consumed me to the point of paralysis, not being able to do a thing at times.  Being alone is what I have craved and I can sometimes only make it from one minute to the next without breaking out in uncontrollable tears.  I thought I would never get through the phase of acceptance since I was not ready to lose him to begin with.  Even though he was not healthy, I never thought he would die so young.

I had already experienced the tremendous grief from losing my first husband and I knew what agony I was about to face again.

Are we ever ready to lose someone we love?

My grief has thankfully entered a new phase and I am happy to say that I am actually experiencing "normal" days.  It has taken me almost a year to accept that he had to leave, God was calling him.  But I now find myself moving past acceptance and through all the other phases that change from one day to the next.  But at least some days are good.  I know as time moves on the good days will appear with regularity.  It just takes time and lots of prayer.

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The Lunacy of Grief Stages

 

The changes can be horrific from one day to the next, leaving the feeling of being on a roller coaster.  They can also make you feel like you are actually losing your mind while knowing you are sane.

What really makes me feel crazy is the shift from surviving the grief to overwhelming sadness that rips you apart.  Nobody said it is an easy process.  The process itself can go back and forth, repeating itself over and over again.  It ends up breaking my heart over and over again.

For me it is still so fresh, only 8 months of the torture and a couple more months if you count the hospital time.  But I believe the greatest progress is making it through the first phase of acceptance.  You don't have to like it, but the loss must be accepted in order to get past it and start healing.  I've finally reached acceptance and feel the process of healing, no matter how much it fluctuates.

Regardless of the phase, the reality is memories are all that is left.  And I cherish them.

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Hope

Every night we go to bed,

without any assurance of being alive the next morning

but still we set the alarms to wake up.

That's HOPE

It is also faith.  As a person who has a broken spirit, I know that without hope and faith, the possibility of becoming whole again is bleek.  I have lived it.

I have also become whole again after brokenness, never losing faith that everything was going to be OK again.

It is human nature to succumb to disappointing life changes.  You can't beat yourself up over it.  Attitude determines the degree of healing and how long it takes to get there.

At this place in time, grief has once again gotten a grip on me, but I know I will get through it.  There is no grief without love and love is worth the effort to fulfillment in life.

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Time in a Bottle

"Our emotions color our lives with varying palettes. Sometimes we feel a strong emotion in reaction to something that has happened, but emotions also visit us seemingly out of the blue, flooding us unexpectedly with joy or grief or melancholy. Like the weather, they come and go, influencing our mental state with their particular vibration. Sometimes a difficult emotion hangs around longer than we would like, and we begin to wonder when it will release its hold on us. This is often true of grief stemming from loss, for example, or lingering anger over a past event." 

Excerpt from How Long? by Madisyn Taylor of DailyOM.com

Grief has never released its hold on me and I don't think it ever will.  

The emotions started when my Nana died, who was more like a mother to me.  It has been decades and I am still haunted by the grief like it was yesterday.  JR's death devastated me.  I've since lost several best friends and close family members.  Each death deepens the emotional hold of grief on me.

It feels like my heart is holding time in a bottle.

The Christmas holidays somehow releases streams of emotion that I can't control.  On the other hand, the memories are so very treasured.  I fully allow myself to feel the emotion.

The emotional healing has yet to reach me.  

The featured article "How Long" discusses these feelings and emotional healing.  Check it out if you can relate.

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Loss of a Pet

A house is certainly not a home without a dog.  I know this from a very painful experience.

After my sweet Betsy passed away, it took me years to adopt another dog.  It was the biggest mistake I ever made, but I only realized it when we adopted Kiki after the Captain and I got married.   

He recognized my love for dogs and convinced me to just visit the Humane Society in our area and at least get the feel for another dog.  It was love at first sight when I spotted Kiki in her cage being all sassy and spunky.  We adopted her immediately and it was one of the best things I have done for myself ever.

Although I will never forget my sweet Betsy and hold her in my heart forever, I feel so blessed to have found this sweet little bundle of joy I now have in my life.  Losing Betsy makes me cherish every minute I have with Kiki even more than I would have before.

I found this awesome poem and it brought on all these thoughts about losing a pet and it touched me so much.  Maybe it will be a comfort to anyone else who has lost a precious pet and feels that big hole in their heart.

Loss of a Pet

IF IT SHOULD BE

If it should be that I grow weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then you must do what must be done,
For this last battle cannot be won.

You will be sad, I understand,
Don't let your grief then stay your hand,
For this day, more than all the rest,
Your love for me must stand the test.

We've had so many happy years,
What is to come can hold no fears,
You'd  not want me to suffer so,
The time has come - please let me go.

Take me where my need they'll tend,
And please stay with me till the end,
Hold me firm and speak to me,
Until my eyes no longer see.
I know in time that you will see,
The kindness that you did for me.

Although my tail its last has waved,
from pain and suffering I've been saved,
Please do not grieve - it must be you,
Who had this painful thing to do.
We've been so close, we two, these years;
Don't let your heart hold back its tears.

-- Anonymous--

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Here With Me

It has been a while, but I recall writing about my frying pan moments.

When we experience loss in our lives, what is left are memories.  Sometimes an object with no monetary value holds a precious memory of a moment in time.

"I don't want to move a thing . . . it might change my memory . . . " lyrics from the song Here With Me by Dido has been haunting me the past few weeks.

Since Hurricane Irma dropped a tree on our house back in September of last year, I have not been back home.  The house is being repaired and the amount of time it is taking has been quite annoying, but the house will be ready sometime soon.  It was such a happy house with so many wonderful memories.  

I'm so scared that my memories have changed . . . I really don't know.  I wonder how it will affect me if I can't feel those happy memories anymore in the newly repaired house.

There have been times since JR passed away that are perfectly depicted with those lyrics.  There were things that I didn't move for a really long time.  Some things were never moved.  They are just things many will say until that time presents itself in their lives and then they will understand the importance of changing memories.

Moments in time are so precious and some stay with us our whole life.  Those things associated with that time are so very special.  You can pick it up, touch it, feel the memory . . . relive it and for a moment, you were there again.

JR and I loved going to the flea market on the weekends.  Those silly little trinkets that we picked up, such as kitchen items like a glass dip bowl that take me back to that moment in time when it was purchased. I could pick up that bowl and it would give me the exact moment when I first picked it up and it takes me back.  I could even recall the smell that musty little shop where it was purchased.  

You may think what I am describing is a bit dramatic, but when that little bowl was dropped, I was devastated.  The magic and memories of that moment in time will never be the same.  It is difficult to explain!

Today I am talking about a whole house.  That tree which caused so much destruction had so much to do with why we fell in love with that house to begin with.  The huge oak tree is now gone, large pieces of it taken off the house and what was left of it was cut down to the ground and taken away like trash.  It will never be here with me again, just like JR never will be here with me.  And that is just one thing . . .

Grief can really twist us inside out with the emotions it takes us through!

The time is near for me to return to clean up the inside mess and once again make it a home and I am scared to death . . . 

Where do I direct these frying pan moments?  I haven't figured that one out yet and it takes me to some strange places in my mind.  This too shall pass . . .

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Endings Become Beginnings

"Endings became beginnings without my expressed permission. ‘Take that’, it said."

Excerpt from "A Widows Dream" which is included in this post 

Surviving the loss of a spouse is an emotional journey.  The quote I opened this post with tells it all.  Endings become beginnings.

The Christmas holidays always take me on nostalgic trips to my past, some good, some bad.

For those who have lost a spouse, I highly recommend following The Modern Widows Club.  Through the years, it has been a source of comfort.  There is something about reading about the experiences and thoughts of other widows.

Other widows have experienced many of the highs and lows one goes through when a spouse passes on.  The person you made a lifetime commitment to is gone, never to return.  When I think about what I have experienced, it still takes my breath away.

To say when JR first died that I was scared is an understatement.  For me, it was total shock . . . it was a fear that came in waves of disbelief, like it was a nightmare I just needed to wake up from.  

He was seemingly healthy, came home from work one night, ended up in the emergency room with chest pains and died the next morning.  I didn't get to say goodbye.  

He had barely entered his 40's . . . 

It was like a tornado came through and swept me away to parts unknown.

The first days were almost unbearable and I had a very difficult time getting my grip on life back.  Sometimes I think I never got it back completely even though I have moved on with a very happy life with The Captain.

Endings do become beginnings and life CAN be happy again, but not without a lot of pain along the way.  It is a journey of courage to begin life again, whether you were ready for it or not.  Trigger days still haunt me, creeping up on me when I think I have my emotions under control and least expect it.

I started this blog to share my experience with other widows and those grieving loved ones.  

Grief is like a thief in the night.  

Only those who have truly gone through it understand what I'm saying.

The following post hit so close like nothing I've ever read before.  I know other widows will find themselves in the words that follow . . .

A Widow’s Dream

- Despite what you might think, I haven’t lost all my dreams.

- Although the biggest dream I had was to grow old, crazy in love, to laugh away the hours seated beside each other in two cozy rocking chairs.

- When you lose your dreams, it’s gut wrenching. It’s a ship without a harbor. Hear me out.

- When someone dies who is tethered to your dreams, it’s god-forsakenly unfathomable.

- It takes your very breath away, the wind out of your sails and the simplest joy out of life.

- It stuns and shocks. It stumbles and falls. It’s silent and it screams.

- Endings became beginnings without my expressed permission. ‘Take that’, it said.

- It beckons me to question everything and nothing. It makes no sense.

- It’s the hardest medicine to swallow for what ails my tender broken heart.

- Dreams are made for the future, and our future just completed its circle of life. 

- New dreams and circles begin as a white sheet, a never ending road, a blank chalk board, a flowing river, a narrow trail or an empty computer screen. 

- It’s a reset I resent. It’s a grudge I must face. It’s a new I dislike. Oh, it’s so very true.

- But it’s also a doorway, a threshold, a chapter, a page, a new me opportunity. A curiosity.

- That new me dream lurks in front of me without a hint of forecast, certainty, direction or knowing. 

- I’m scared. Oh my gosh, I actually said that. I thought I knew where I was headed but now….

- Everything I once knew for sure is no longer. Dreams feel far, far away at the edge of existence and yet, I know they are somehow entangled in this first courageous push away from the shore of my unfulfilled dreams. 

- I must take into the future a dream of my own, a blank space to be filled with…..something, somewhere, someone, somehow, someway.

- I will use all my determination, commitment, resilience, creativity, consciousness, knowledge, heart, kindness and humble energy to take me there. I’ll also use my anger, bitterness, grief, uncertainty, negativity and I’ll turn it ALL into fuel that propels my journey.

- It’s all fuel. It’s all me. It’s all good. It’s here to teach me that dreams are for the seaworthy. 

- I will not allow grief and a lost dream to keep me tied onto the shore of my beautiful past.

- That is a promise I intend to keep. A link I plan to create. An empowering link- not to an anchor of my lost dream, but as a resilient vessel moored to the possibility of ‘new me’ dreams on the horizon.


Please be extra patient with me as I set outward bound on this journey sunrise to sunset. I’m getting there. Especially during these holidays, which are unchartered territory for me.

Carolyn Moor
MWC Founder
http://modernwidowsclub.org

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