Blessed beyond the chaos

 

“Every day, I try to remember all the ways I am blessed, beyond the chaos and bad things that happen. I take inventory and remember the wonderful people who love me.”
 

Ariana Madix

It amazed me when I came across the quote because it is the mindset I have had lately.  I have practiced the Simple Abundance lifestyle of gratitude for a long time, but my current emphasis has been on all the wonderful people who have touched my life and how their presence in my life have blessed me in different ways.  The love is what makes grief so horrible for me when they are gone, but the memories touch me deeply.  And I am so very grateful for those awesome memories.

Not everyone is meant to be in our life forever.  Sometimes God's plan for their presence in our lives is for a specific lesson and time.  I'm strongly realizing everything that has happened to me is a lesson.  The good and the bad.  

We choose to not like what has happened at the time, but there is always something there to learn when we seriously think about it.  In time I am almost always grateful for the lesson.

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Hope and positivity

 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

While I am still incredibly sad, my faith in God has intensified and the feelings of hope have brought me to a happier place even though nothing has changed.  It is a positive state of mind which results in hope.

The first anniversary of making the decision to put Kiki to sleep is a week away and it feels like time has stood still.  My heart breaks over and over again as the days pass.  My memories have gradually shifted to those that make me smile and I know that is a positive sign.  She always appears in my dreams so vividly and I wake up feeling like she has visited me.  They are always happy visits.  God has truly blessed me.  I know that those who have not experienced finding their soul dog think I am crazy.

I have faith and hope that I will be happy again.

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Grateful through positivity

 

“When the heart grieves over what it has lost,

the spirit rejoices over what it has left.”  

Sufi Epigram

As I experience and heal from another grief journey, I try to be aware of how I am thinking since it makes a big difference in how I feel at the time.  It makes such a difference and the quote is a great example of how we can think about losing a loved one.

In my experience, I am consumed at what I've lost at first.  As time passes and the memories take over and the good times are what I think about, I am left with the awesome feeling of having had that loved one in my life at all with the good and the bad memories.  Usually, I concentrate on the good.

Many people I know think this way.  In fact, it is like they forget everything bad and think that they have turned a bad person into a saint in their mind.  Sometimes I wonder who they are talking about.  That way of thinking is how they cope with the loss.

First of all, I am so grateful to have experienced the love.  On the other hand, I try to be realistic about the relationship I had with them.  Sweeping bad memories under the rug can come back to haunt you.  It comes down to life balances.

The main thing is gratefulness.  It always brings a smile to my face.

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What keeps you safe?

 

The line comes from a movie I just watched . . . "What keeps you safe" . . . it has made me think all afternoon.  Sometimes I am amazed at the things that provoke deep thoughts.

The first thing that came to mind was my faith in God.  It makes me stronger no matter what others may think.  

Yes, I have terrible anxiety which makes me very fearful of so many things and there are many things I have not done in my life because of it.  My Christianity is often questioned because of this, which really makes me angry.  However, when it comes down to it, my faith in God keeps me feeling safe regardless of how it sounds.  I guess it can also be explained as choosing your battles. And I definitely choose my own no matter what.

One thing I hate more than anything in this life is having to explain myself to others.  I've had to explain myself all of my life.  Guess you could say it is a sore spot that also keeps me from doing some things.  My intuition tells me not to and I've learned to listen.  That keeps me safe in a way I can't explain as does being true to myself.

Then I go back to thinking about what "safe" really means.  I keep my feelings and emotions "safe" from being hurt by simply staying away from the thing that disturbs me.  Physically "safe" means just staying home and away from the general public. 

Sometimes I think I'm lost, but it is a lie my emotions tells myself during bad times.  I always make it through.  But maybe it is because I acknowledge my feelings and try to figure out how to deal with it.  It is never about feeling sorry for myself.  

I've finally reached the place in my life where I don't care what others think about me and the way I live my life. 

Memories . . . even the bad ones.  They contribute to who I am.  I don't really know why they keep me safe, but they do.  Maybe because they prove that I am a survivor going way back.  They also prove to me that good times do exist, even after bad times.  And they are reminders of what happiness meant to me.  Important reminders in life.

The main thing is self-acceptance and love.

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My New Normal

 It happens to me every day . . . the memories, the tears and the sadness that doesn't want to go away.  I try to dwell on happy memories, but the sadness still sneaks in.  Profound sadness.  I never wear makeup anymore, it is too messy with the tears.

My doctor asked me if I want to die as a result of the sadness.  No, I don't want to die, but I'm not fearful that I will.  I know where I am going.  And at this point in my life, the number of people close to me still living are less than those who have left me.

Positive thinking doesn't help since that is tricking myself into one thing or another.

I know the grief I am feeling is still fresh and will be with me the rest of my life.  The bad feelings just have to change at least for a little while.  This too shall pass.

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Faith, Love and Time

 

The Memorial Day weekend was bittersweet and difficult.

Military holidays were so special for The Captain, they were a part of who he was.  I had never experienced a person who was so patriotic and so proud of his military service.  I often thought that when he retired from the military, a part of him died.  It is who he was, but no longer had an active part in it.  It is a sad fact of retirement, you kind of lose your identity.

Although I dislike war movies, I almost wanted the bombardment of his holiday ritual, marathon war movies.  They meant he was alive and well and still with me.  

It was one of those times that I just needed to be alone and cry my eyes out.  Somehow it makes me feel better and allows me to be strong.  That doesn't make sense, but grief does not make sense.  Just when I think I can handle life again, it hits me like a ton of bricks.

Looking back at the memories that flooded me over the weekend, although I hate what grief does to me, it means that I loved deeply.  And for that I will always be grateful.  

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Looking back

 

Caught in my fears

Blinking back the tears

I can't say you hurt me

When you never let me near

Lyrics from

Long Long Time

by Linda Ronstadt

Today has been a day of looking back at memories from different times of my life and all the love and close relationships I have experienced.  Some good, some bad . . . just like everyone else.

The most frustrating were the ones I didn't understand, but allowed myself to love anyway and sometimes got hurt.  Some people never let you in, no matter how close you think you are.  Still, I have no regrets.  

Those lyrics are somewhat contradictory, yet they ring true. 

I no longer have fears of close relationships because I am done with them.  My experiences with trust issues have crammed my lifetime.  I want the rest of my life to be content with what I have and the awesome memories that occupy my mind.

As times goes on, it seems to me that people in general have turned so cold, heartless, lacking compassion . . . I include myself in that statement.  I'd rather spend the time I have left alone with God to keep me company.  

Life wasn't always that way and it makes me sad.  I only see glimpses of the world I once knew.

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Simple

 

Memories are the best things in life.  At this time I feel they are all I have left, although I know that is not true.  Bad grief phases make me have those awful feelings, but also make me so grateful for those great memories.

I have not been able to pick myself up properly since the trigger days of March.  This too shall pass and I know it very well, but while going through it, it is what I perceive as hell.  Maybe it is what I deserve for whatever reason.

Praying for peace . . .

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Lessening Grief

 

In the course of dealing with grief phases, I have found myself relying on memories as a comfort for the painful feelings of grief.  I'm always grateful for having had my loved ones share their life with me.  Even remembering not so great memories leads to being grateful.  Life is more than good times and anger has a place in there too.

Time changes the way we perceive memories.  I didn't realize that until The Captain passed away.  Memories of my life with JR have changed through the years without me realizing that it was happening.

Time lessens grief, but it never takes it away.  I have learned to be grateful for everything I have been blessed with, especially another day.

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Remembering Good Times

 

In this phase of grief, the recollection of awesome times are helping me honor The Captain's place in my life.  There are moments in time and then there are events that brought us so much fun and happiness.  I will write about them and relive them all over again with a smile on my face.  We had many good times!

We loved Busch Gardens and visited often since we had annual passes.  They provided fabulous entertainment and among our favorites was Peter Noone of Herman's Hermits.

Peter was still doing the concert circuit after all these years.  The Captain and I had the pleasure of attending one of his concerts and had a blast singing along to all those hits whose lyrics were still fresh in our minds.  We weren't the only ones.  Baby boomers surrounded us and we were all singing.  

His voice is awesome as ever, with the same witty personality as Herman the teenage boy with the sweet face we knew back in the day.   It was an excellent concert we never forgot . . . what a treat, we spoke of it often.  Peter is a timeless entertainer who is very entertaining!

photo by Gina Alfani

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Trigger Days

 

Trigger days . . . holidays, birthdays, anniversaries of all kinds, etc. always add an extra sense of grief.  You never know how they are going to affect you until it does . . . they are sneaky like that.  They can also change from year to year.  

Just like any other grief phase, it is not a good idea to try to ignore the trigger day or the affects of it.  One must go through and feel the grief stages in order to get through the healing process.  The difficulty is not knowing where the next grief hit is going to come from . . . a song, a place, a passing thought, a smell, food . . . anything really.  One thing is for sure, there are times that everything is a reminder and know that it may throw you into survival mode, even if it is an old loss as well as a fresh one.

There is one thing I do to cope with trigger days . . . write your loved one a letter.  Just as with journaling, the spontaneity of the writing will conjure up thoughts and feelings you never addressed.  Those thoughts and feelings get me through trigger days, as well as good memories that I make an attempt to dwell on instead of how awful I am feeling at the moment.  The great memories on trigger days for me are treasured gifts and I look at it as a pleasant way to honor the loved one.  That is so important.

It is not easy, but I have learned coping mechanisms through over 20 years of grief phases from losing my first husband.  It never goes away, but as time goes on it becomes easier to manage and tolerate the emotions.

Today I am experiencing The Captain's birthday, the first since he passed away.  This trigger day is fresh and so very painful, but I'm making the attempt to use the coping mechanisms I have learned to get through this awful day.

The clock continues to tick and the trigger days hit with regularity, bringing with them the emotional minefield.  What is important is to know that you control how you react to the thoughts associated with the day.  

The trigger days and grief itself became my new normal when my first husband died.  Now my new normal is double the trigger days, grief associated with it and learning to emotionally deal with more positivity as time goes on.  I'm learning how to celebrate the loved one's life and be grateful they were in my life at all.

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Joyful Melody of Life

 

I've started listening to music regularly as I did in "normal times."  Music has been a part of life since I was a little girl enjoying the radio being on day and night by my family.  Songs have meaning to me as far as lyrics and bringing back memories.  It is strange how a song can be associated with a person, a place in time, an event, etc.  For me, music is so special for all of those reasons, as well as the love of a song or musician.

In the past couple of days, I have been drawn to songs that remind me of the beginning of my relationship with The Captain.  They brought up so many awesome memories that took me back to the time like it was yesterday.  That is what I love so much about music, it takes you there.

In this phase of grief, I can say that I have found the joyful melody of life with The Captain, remembering the great times with a smile on my face.  And just as fast as the smile appeared, so do the tears of a time in my life that is gone forever.  

The next grief phase will hopefully focus on the great times and the memories with only smiles and less sorrow.  I will listen to your song forever in my heart and the song will play softly, soothing my soul.

Cherish the music!

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Capture moments

Although it gets easier from one year to the next, Christmas holidays after experiencing a terrible loss in your life is not easy.

For me, the memories that once caused me a great deal of grief have turned into wonderful memories of a part of my life that I am so grateful for.  I do admit it will never be the same, but not as bad as the year before.

The older we become, the more grief we experience with those close to us passing away one by one.  It adds to complicated emotions, especially around the holidays.

The holidays are "the dreaded season" for me with so many emotions that tug on my heart for so many reasons.

I know I am not alone though.  There are others whose experiences have kept them from moving on with their lives.  At least I have moved on . . .

One of my Facebook friends posted the following thoughts that really hit home.  I shared it on Facebook and it prompted me to write a blog post about it.

Feel free to share it on one of your social media pages . . . it could let someone else going through a rough holiday season know they are not alone.  They may also realize that capturing those moments will be a treasure one day.

A blessed and wonderful holiday season to all . . .

"Sadly, I know too many people to whom this applies. My family included. Many will attempt to decorate . . . to cook . . . buy (or make) and wrap gifts . . . to be festive. 

But the holidays bring sadness, loneliness and heartache. Many will cry for hours with memories of what this time used to be and how it was filled with such love and anticipation - and now it brings back memories of the reality of emptiness and sadness.

So I would like to remind you that there are people for whatever reason are not looking forward to Christmas. Some people are not surrounded by large wonderful families.

Some of us have problems during the holidays and are overcome with great sadness when we remember the loved ones who are not with us any longer.

For many it is their first Christmas without a particular loved one and many others lost loved ones at Christmas. And, many people have no one to spend these times with and are besieged by loneliness. We all need caring, loving thoughts right now." 

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Here With Me

It has been a while, but I recall writing about my frying pan moments.

When we experience loss in our lives, what is left are memories.  Sometimes an object with no monetary value holds a precious memory of a moment in time.

"I don't want to move a thing . . . it might change my memory . . . " lyrics from the song Here With Me by Dido has been haunting me the past few weeks.

Since Hurricane Irma dropped a tree on our house back in September of last year, I have not been back home.  The house is being repaired and the amount of time it is taking has been quite annoying, but the house will be ready sometime soon.  It was such a happy house with so many wonderful memories.  

I'm so scared that my memories have changed . . . I really don't know.  I wonder how it will affect me if I can't feel those happy memories anymore in the newly repaired house.

There have been times since JR passed away that are perfectly depicted with those lyrics.  There were things that I didn't move for a really long time.  Some things were never moved.  They are just things many will say until that time presents itself in their lives and then they will understand the importance of changing memories.

Moments in time are so precious and some stay with us our whole life.  Those things associated with that time are so very special.  You can pick it up, touch it, feel the memory . . . relive it and for a moment, you were there again.

JR and I loved going to the flea market on the weekends.  Those silly little trinkets that we picked up, such as kitchen items like a glass dip bowl that take me back to that moment in time when it was purchased. I could pick up that bowl and it would give me the exact moment when I first picked it up and it takes me back.  I could even recall the smell that musty little shop where it was purchased.  

You may think what I am describing is a bit dramatic, but when that little bowl was dropped, I was devastated.  The magic and memories of that moment in time will never be the same.  It is difficult to explain!

Today I am talking about a whole house.  That tree which caused so much destruction had so much to do with why we fell in love with that house to begin with.  The huge oak tree is now gone, large pieces of it taken off the house and what was left of it was cut down to the ground and taken away like trash.  It will never be here with me again, just like JR never will be here with me.  And that is just one thing . . .

Grief can really twist us inside out with the emotions it takes us through!

The time is near for me to return to clean up the inside mess and once again make it a home and I am scared to death . . . 

Where do I direct these frying pan moments?  I haven't figured that one out yet and it takes me to some strange places in my mind.  This too shall pass . . .

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