A message to heaven's gate . . . Happy Anniversary

It doesn't seem like it has been 34 years since JR and I took our vows after knowing each other six months.  Everyone thought we were crazy.
It is so true that life is but a blink of an eye.  The day is so vivid in my mind as if it were yesterday, but it was a lifetime ago.  God took him from me 12 years ago and it seems like yesterday we were living a happy and content life with no idea of what was to come so abruptly and swiftly turn my life upside down.
Of all the trigger days, our wedding day has to be one that is the hardest to get through.  All the good memories come flooding back and all the hopes for the tomorrows that never came.  This is one of the most difficult things I have dealt with in my life . . . the death of my husband, my best friend.
You would think that it would get easier as the years go by . . . but I believe it is the other way around.  It is more time that has gone by that I have felt the void in my life.
I'm happily married again to The Captain, feeling so blessed to have found another great love in my life.  I wonder if other widows have such a difficult time with grief after moving on with so many years that have gone by.

 

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Spirits having flown

Faster than lightning is this heart of mine.

In the face of time I carry on.

I'd like to take you where my rainbow ends.

Lyrics from the song

Spirits Having Flown

by the Bee Gees

It doesn't seem possible that so much time has passed.  Tomorrow marks the 10th anniversary of JR's death.  Ten years ago today, the nightmare began.  The sound of sirens, the house filled with EMS guys, the emergency room.  My sweet angel laying helplessly in the ER bed, all kinds of stuff hooked up to him. 

I was scared . . . petrified . . . my everything was breathing his last breaths and I had no idea what was about to hit me.  All seemed normal that night when he wanted to watch Monday Night Football.  

Normal?  Ten years later, I still don't feel back to "normal" . . .

He and I shared the perfect friendship, 
which is so important in a marriage.

I miss him even though I have moved on with The Captain.

How can you forget such a sweet spirit?  I never will.

His sweet spirit is still with me, 
which I'll take where my rainbow ends.

Rest in peace my sweet angel.

Spirits Having Flown | The Bee Gees

Lyrics

I never fell in love so easily.

Where the four winds blow I carry on.

I'd like to take you where my spirit flies:

Through the empty skies. We go alone,

Never before having flown.

Faster than lightning is this heart of mine.

In the face of time I carry on.

I'd like to take you where my rainbow ends.

Be my lover friend. We go alone,

Never before having flown.

[Chorus]

I am your hurricane, your fire in the sun.

How long must I live in the air?

You are my paradise, my angel on the run.

How long must I wait?

It's the dawn of the feeling that starts

From the moment you're there.

[Bridge]

You'll never know what you have done for me.

You've broken all those rules I live upon.

And I'd like to take you to my Shangri-La,

Neither here nor far away from home,

Never before having flown.

[Chorus]

I am your hurricane, your fire in the sun.

How long must I live in the air?

You are my paradise, my angel on the run.

How long must I wait?

It's the dawn of the feeling that starts

From the moment you're there.

I'd like to take you where my spirit flies,

Through the empty skies we go alone,

Never before having flown.

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A new years resolution

I’m alive again with the imaginary “new beginning” that a new year brings, along with a new challenge, standing on my own two feet, no longer complacent with money in the bank to keep me a hermit . . . no longer JR’s wife living in the past as if waiting to hear the sound of his keys unlocking the door, coming home from a day at work. One of my New Year resolutions . . . put the past behind me and I made a big step toward that at the first of the year.

Time to truly live again.

Although I am still wearing the gold chain he wore, his wedding ring has joined my wedding rings in a safe place and no longer on the gold chain. I’ll never forget him and the beautiful life we shared, but he is gone and it is finally time to move on. I’m grateful every day that his presence in my life gives me hope that there are still good guys in this world and they are supposed to be difficult to find because they are like treasures.

It was one of the most emotional decisions I have made in a very long time. I thought about it as new year resolutions were on my mind, as usual in December. The difficulty was breaking a promise to JR . . . to wear the gold chain with his wedding ring around my neck until my new soulmate would take it off. At the time I told him to not even talk of such things, but he had to take off his jewelry as he settled in at the hospital emergency room which led us into that conversation.

He passed away the following morning.

In six years, I took it off once to take x-rays and that was after begging them to not make me take it off. It was an obsession and I was haunted by the fact that I briefly took it off, feeling that I would be punished for breaking the promise. Tears filled my eyes as I took off the chain.

What I didn’t realize is that the promise has haunted me . . . a reminder that I remain alone in life without a partner, waiting to fulfill the ceremonial changing of my love loyalty. It has tormented me as I have replayed that time in the emergency room when the thought of another man was the furthest thing from my mind.

He’s gone . . . never coming back . . . the emotional tie became so psychological as time has passed . . . I would catch myself playing with it, putting it on my finger . . . a nervous habit which accelerated when I quit smoking . . . too much of a symbolic tie to him. I was holding on as if my life depended on it . . . subconsciously waiting for him to come back. I had to finally let go and take it off as the new year began, fulfilling one of my new year resolutions. Now I feel completely free and at peace to move on with my life.

Perhaps I will never move on, finding love again and living happily ever after with a new soulmate, rather finding fulfillment in work, hobbies and just enjoying what life has to offer. My faith in God’s destiny for me has to do with finding peace, love and happiness with my life . . . not necessarily another soulmate.

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