Trigger Days

 

Trigger days . . . holidays, birthdays, anniversaries of all kinds, etc. always add an extra sense of grief.  You never know how they are going to affect you until it does . . . they are sneaky like that.  They can also change from year to year.  

Just like any other grief phase, it is not a good idea to try to ignore the trigger day or the affects of it.  One must go through and feel the grief stages in order to get through the healing process.  The difficulty is not knowing where the next grief hit is going to come from . . . a song, a place, a passing thought, a smell, food . . . anything really.  One thing is for sure, there are times that everything is a reminder and know that it may throw you into survival mode, even if it is an old loss as well as a fresh one.

There is one thing I do to cope with trigger days . . . write your loved one a letter.  Just as with journaling, the spontaneity of the writing will conjure up thoughts and feelings you never addressed.  Those thoughts and feelings get me through trigger days, as well as good memories that I make an attempt to dwell on instead of how awful I am feeling at the moment.  The great memories on trigger days for me are treasured gifts and I look at it as a pleasant way to honor the loved one.  That is so important.

It is not easy, but I have learned coping mechanisms through over 20 years of grief phases from losing my first husband.  It never goes away, but as time goes on it becomes easier to manage and tolerate the emotions.

Today I am experiencing The Captain's birthday, the first since he passed away.  This trigger day is fresh and so very painful, but I'm making the attempt to use the coping mechanisms I have learned to get through this awful day.

The clock continues to tick and the trigger days hit with regularity bringing with them the emotional minefield.  What is important is to know that you control how you react to the thoughts associated with the day.  

The trigger days and grief itself became my new normal when my first husband died.  Now my new normal is double the trigger days, grief associated with it and learning to emotionally deal with more positivity as time goes on.  I'm learning how to celebrate the loved one's life and be grateful they were in my life at all.

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Day to Day Grief

It never goes away, it just changes and evolves when you least expect it.

After experiencing the death of my first husband, family members and friends, Hurricane Irma and the tree that landed on our house and changed it forever, it has occurred to me that loss is loss.  The loss of my house as I knew it has surprisingly compounded my grief and manifests itself in different ways.

The best way I cope with it is to roll with the changing feelings and take it one day at a time, realizing that it will come back to bite me at any time.  I try to be ready for it, but not always successful.  Depression hits me in various degrees, but like the grief, it never completely goes away.  It all haunts me.

Today I read an article from someone who experiences grief that pops up in different ways.  It is a comfort to know you are not alone and gives great insight to discover how others cope on a daily basis.  I can't wait to check out the website she suggested for further insight.  Click here for the article.

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Endings Become Beginnings

"Endings became beginnings without my expressed permission. ‘Take that’, it said."

Excerpt from "A Widows Dream" which is included in this post 

Surviving the loss of a spouse is an emotional journey.  The quote I opened this post with tells it all.  Endings become beginnings.

The Christmas holidays always take me on nostalgic trips to my past, some good, some bad.

For those who have lost a spouse, I highly recommend following The Modern Widows Club.  Through the years, it has been a source of comfort.  There is something about reading about the experiences and thoughts of other widows.

Other widows have experienced many of the highs and lows one goes through when a spouse passes on.  The person you made a lifetime commitment to is gone, never to return.  When I think about what I have experienced, it still takes my breath away.

To say when JR first died that I was scared is an understatement.  For me, it was total shock . . . it was a fear that came in waves of disbelief, like it was a nightmare I just needed to wake up from.  

He was seemingly healthy, came home from work one night, ended up in the emergency room with chest pains and died the next morning.  I didn't get to say goodbye.  

He had barely entered his 40's . . . 

It was like a tornado came through and swept me away to parts unknown.

The first days were almost unbearable and I had a very difficult time getting my grip on life back.  Sometimes I think I never got it back completely even though I have moved on with a very happy life with The Captain.

Endings do become beginnings and life CAN be happy again, but not without a lot of pain along the way.  It is a journey of courage to begin life again, whether you were ready for it or not.  Trigger days still haunt me, creeping up on me when I think I have my emotions under control and least expect it.

I started this blog to share my experience with other widows and those grieving loved ones.  

Grief is like a thief in the night.  

Only those who have truly gone through it understand what I'm saying.

The following post hit so close like nothing I've ever read before.  I know other widows will find themselves in the words that follow . . .

A Widow’s Dream

- Despite what you might think, I haven’t lost all my dreams.

- Although the biggest dream I had was to grow old, crazy in love, to laugh away the hours seated beside each other in two cozy rocking chairs.

- When you lose your dreams, it’s gut wrenching. It’s a ship without a harbor. Hear me out.

- When someone dies who is tethered to your dreams, it’s god-forsakenly unfathomable.

- It takes your very breath away, the wind out of your sails and the simplest joy out of life.

- It stuns and shocks. It stumbles and falls. It’s silent and it screams.

- Endings became beginnings without my expressed permission. ‘Take that’, it said.

- It beckons me to question everything and nothing. It makes no sense.

- It’s the hardest medicine to swallow for what ails my tender broken heart.

- Dreams are made for the future, and our future just completed its circle of life. 

- New dreams and circles begin as a white sheet, a never ending road, a blank chalk board, a flowing river, a narrow trail or an empty computer screen. 

- It’s a reset I resent. It’s a grudge I must face. It’s a new I dislike. Oh, it’s so very true.

- But it’s also a doorway, a threshold, a chapter, a page, a new me opportunity. A curiosity.

- That new me dream lurks in front of me without a hint of forecast, certainty, direction or knowing. 

- I’m scared. Oh my gosh, I actually said that. I thought I knew where I was headed but now….

- Everything I once knew for sure is no longer. Dreams feel far, far away at the edge of existence and yet, I know they are somehow entangled in this first courageous push away from the shore of my unfulfilled dreams. 

- I must take into the future a dream of my own, a blank space to be filled with…..something, somewhere, someone, somehow, someway.

- I will use all my determination, commitment, resilience, creativity, consciousness, knowledge, heart, kindness and humble energy to take me there. I’ll also use my anger, bitterness, grief, uncertainty, negativity and I’ll turn it ALL into fuel that propels my journey.

- It’s all fuel. It’s all me. It’s all good. It’s here to teach me that dreams are for the seaworthy. 

- I will not allow grief and a lost dream to keep me tied onto the shore of my beautiful past.

- That is a promise I intend to keep. A link I plan to create. An empowering link- not to an anchor of my lost dream, but as a resilient vessel moored to the possibility of ‘new me’ dreams on the horizon.


Please be extra patient with me as I set outward bound on this journey sunrise to sunset. I’m getting there. Especially during these holidays, which are unchartered territory for me.

Carolyn Moor
MWC Founder
http://modernwidowsclub.org

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Holidays and Difficult Times

The holidays alone can bring on difficult times for so many in this world for many reasons.  I found an excellent article entitled "Difficult Times" that describes it perfectly.  It is posted further on this post, along with a link to the awesome website it comes from.

Holiday difficult times have struck me for more than just one year.  I wrote about one period of time following the death of my first husband JR.  He passed on in October, when it seems like the holiday can't wait to descend upon us.  The first year was almost unbearable . . . I just wanted to die myself.  Click here for that post, Sentimental Lady.

This year finds me with new life circumstances . . . a tree that is still crushing my house thanks to Hurricane Irma. 

Although I have tried to maintain a positive attitude as time creeps by with FEMA taking their sweet time looking over our appeal since they denied us financial help back in October, it becomes more difficult by the day.  

Not being able to go back home since September and not knowing if FEMA is going to accept our appeal for assistance is taking its emotional toll on me no matter how strong I try to be. 

My crushing house and the resulting life circumstances, along with memories of my old life and the grief associated with loved ones who are gone and missed have ushered in another dreaded holiday.  

Of course I am truly grateful for everything I have been blessed with, but there are those difficult holiday times where I am just downright depressed and have a difficult time pulling myself out of it.

This too shall pass . . . thank you for your prayers!

  

I am sharing this quote from a Facebook friend's wall . . .

"This is a difficult time of year for many who struggle with depression. The toughest time of the year for depression tends to be around the Holidays. Please be aware of those around you. Say an extra prayer, touch an extra hand, smile an extra smile. You are the difference! Please take the time to put this on your wall to help raise awareness of, and for those who have mental health difficulties." 

The following is an awesome post I found that fits perfectly with my post . . .

Difficult Times

BY MADISYN TAYLOR We can also benefit from times of constriction and difficult to help us grow and learn. It can be very challenging to maintain a positive attitude and a measure of faith when you are in the midst of difficult times. This is partly because we tend to think that if the universe loves us we will experience that love in the form of positive circumstances. However, we are like children, and the universe is our wise mother who knows what our souls need to thrive better than we do. Just as a young child does not benefit from getting everything she wants, we also benefit from times of constriction and difficulty to help us grow and learn. If we keep this in mind, and continue to trust that we are loved even when things are hard, it helps us bear the difficult time with grace. This period of time in history is full of difficulty for a lot of human beings, and you may feel less alone knowing you are not being singled out. There are extreme energy changes pulsing through the universe at every level and, of course, we are all part of the growing process and the growing pains. It helps if we remember that life is one phase after another and that this difficult time will inevitably give way to something new and different. When we feel overwhelmed we can comfort ourselves with the wise saying: This too shall pass. At the same time, if you truly feel that nothing is going right for you, it's never a bad idea to examine your life and see if there are some changes you can make to alleviate some of the difficulty. Gently and compassionately exploring the areas giving you the most trouble may reveal things you are holding onto and need to release: unprocessed emotions, unresolved transitions, or negative ways of looking at yourself or reality. As you take responsibility for the things you can change, you can more easily surrender to the things you can't, remembering all the while that this phase will, without doubt, give way to another.

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Give Me A Break!

Sometimes finding the answer is as easy as taking a break and stepping back from the situation.

Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in our thoughts that we wind up going round in round in circles, finding it difficult to concentrate on things and, because we are so distracted, not really accomplishing much.

There may be signals—mental, emotional, and physical—that tell us we need to slow down and relax. Since we are so involved in things that are external to us, however, we may easily overlook what is really going on inside of us.

It is during these times that we need to step back from the things that occupy our minds and take time out to connect with our inner self, giving our minds, bodies, and spirits the time they need to reenergize and heal. 

Giving ourselves respite from our daily concerns is like giving a gift to ourselves. By stepping away from the problems that seem to saturate our thoughts, we lessen the weight of our troubles and instead become more receptive to the wisdom and answers the universe has to offer us.

 Source:  Daily Om

Crawling out of my latest emotional darkness resulting from unexpected feelings brought out by the terrorist attack in Orlando has not been easy.  It has been a matter of shutting my thoughts down and finally getting the rest I need.

You don't know how important quality sleep is until your body tells you it is time to catch up.  So, not feeling so well this morning, I decided to watch television in bed and try to relax.  After getting constant sleep through the afternoon, I woke up to an awesome energized feeling.  Not totally energized, but getting there.

The hardest thing for me to do has been turn off the news.  I'm a news junkie!  Seems like I thrive on it. After a good start, I am back to watching the news channel again.  What can I say?  I'm a geek!

My latest endeavor is watching the news with a new perspective . . . don't fret what you can't change, things that are happening are happening and I just have to change the way I react to it.  The Captain picked up the remote control as if to change the channel when he caught me yelling at the television.  They can't hear me!! I must remember this and react accordingly.  It isn't worth getting all upset over things that stupid people do.

That is when I thought I would try to change my "rainy day in New York City" . . . so far so good.  I've even made it through this ridiculous discussion about the release of the 911 calls and how it was done.  

Everything will be fine until I hear about the non-Trump people's latest idea of dumping Trump.  Perhaps they need to catch up on some sleep and just chill out.  Give me a break and just accept who "the people" voted to be our nominee.

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Coping with death and grief amid a senseless tragedy

"Each of us is more than capable of helping the world, despite our fears and limitations and the uncertainty that holds us back. It is commonly accepted that it is impossible to make a difference without unlimited funding or free time, yet most healing, cleansing, and spreading of joy is accomplished in a matter of minutes." 

Source

Almost a week has passed since the terrorist attack on the nightclub in Orlando.  It has taken me all this time to make an attempt to write about how I am feeling aside from the politics of it all.

Being the compassionate person that I am, it has hit me to the pit of my soul with tremendous grief that I can't explain.  I don't know any of those affected by one man's anger and rage, but I can stand in their shoes in my thoughts and prayers for them.  News reports that featured the loved ones and victims brought me to tears that didn't go away after the report.  It was the same for me after 9/11.  

Senseless tragedy . . . these young people were here one moment enjoying a night out on the town, the next moment groveling on the blood filled floor next to dead bodies fighting to survive or huddled in a bathroom with countless others also fearing their impending death.  And then there are the victims who were left on the floor for days in a pool of blood.  The visions are haunting me.

One survivor's story really hit me hard for some reason.  His legs were shot and he could not walk.  When police came in to rescue those who had survived, he had to be drugged on the floor through dead bodies, glass and blood to get him outside in order to be transported to the hospital.  You could see the pain in his eyes as he told his story.  A nightmare none of them will soon forget.  I know I will not soon forget.

In addition to feeling the pain of these people, those who had to wait way too long to learn of their loved one's fate . . . days of agony . . . the survivors who feel guilty for living after witnessing hell on earth (I could go on and on) . . . I am feeling extreme helplessness and a sinking feeling for our world society.

Those of us who have experienced the sudden death of a loved one, the shock of a nightmare that will live with us forever and the acceptance of "life as it is now" can somehow relate to the pain of losing those young people whose potential in this world had not yet been found.  Their lives had just begun.  Senseless tragedy and the long road of surviving grief that has just begun.

It made me sick to my stomach as our president visited those same people going through so much pain and grief who had to endure the rants of a politician playing politics.  Not the time and place!  He should be ashamed of himself . . . but it is exactly what I thought he would do.  Adding insult to injury . . . isn't that special?

All this talk of the realization of the world we live in has made me extra apprehensive about leaving the house and the return of agonizing anxiety.  I have been fighting this problem for years and in many ways have proven that I can conquer it, only to remind me of one of the reasons I am fearful to leave my comfort zone. All I know is that in the midst of weaning myself off of anti-depressant and anxiety medication, I'm confused on how to proceed with my struggle to become normal again.

I feel better after letting my feelings out into words . . . writing has always been my best therapy.  I hope you do the same if you are experiencing the same feelings.  Let it out . . . start a private blog if don't want the world to know how you feel.  I hope by making my feelings known, it helps even one person going through the same anxiety and . . . I wonder how many people out there are feeling the same.  

Amid the hopeless feelings for this precious world and those affected by the tragedy, all I can do is pray and have faith we can all learn to cope with our ever changing world.

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Sentimental Lady . . . my favorite post from the past

As another holiday season approaches, this will be my second "normal" holiday since I became a widow. As with last year, I'm giving thanks  and being grateful for what we have individually been blessed with . . . good and bad. I continue to be grateful and thankful for finding my path . . . and the one to love and be loved by that I was searching for.  The awful feeling of dreading the approaching holidays of the past decade or so has been replaced with child-like anticipation, like it used to be before my world was turned upside down with the death of  my first husband. While I don't have a problem with the festivities of the holiday and actually looked forward to them this year, I still can't handle decorating the house for Christmas.  I just can't do it and don't want to. I will never EVER forget those awful tortured feelings of completely dreading the holiday and have a special place in my heart for those less fortunate . . . those who are dealing with those emotions this holiday season. The following entry is from the nightmare phase of my life and it is like I have always said . . . this too shall pass . . . and it did.  Thank God! The following entry was originally posted on December 4, 2007 and remains my favorite post ever. December . . . the magical time of year is upon us . . . yet in contrast, brings us the longest and darkest nights of the year . . . perhaps delivering the mystical powers of the moon. Isn't it all an illusion anyway, how we perceive our lives? Where we are in life . . . happy time,  sad time, time of transition? The magical season is believed by many to hold miracles . . . Santa Claus and fairy tales. Miracles don't always come in pretty boxes wrapped up with beautiful bows . . . sometimes they don't come at all. What deems one person worthy of a miracle and the other not? Was it the degree of naughty or nice? I don't know and I'm trying to figure it out . . . who holds that magic wand? As I weave my tapestry of contentment for this magical season, joy comes in the form of memories of Christmas past filled with love and laughter in my heart. I miss JR so much that I STILL scream into a pillow to let the sadness out. It does help . . . but the withdrawals for a person that you loved and lost can't be compared to anything else in life. Every year as the pumpkins are decorated and set out in the night with candlelight to illuminate the darkness, the dread creeps up on me . . . the witching hour has arrived and it is time to be reminded that I should be joyous and happy. But I'm not . . . my fairy tale ended. The one who holds the magic wand is nowhere to be found . . . the only pumpkins I see light the night . . . at least it is not total darkness. I'm blessed and grateful for contentment of survival during my life's transitions . . . I have everything I need, even if not what I want. What I want lives in my memories and this season reminds me of what I lost . . . yet in this magical time I know miracles happen at their appropriate time when least expected. My real life fairy tale began on a Christmas night long ago when I thought the one holding the magic wand had forgotten about me another year. I met JR on Christmas night in a club that played country music, where a pop music princess and a rock & roll music freak would normally never be found . . . but there we were, both in an unlikely place on an unlikely night . . . the miracle of destiny awaited us and lasted a lifetime. Yes, I still believe in miracles and never lose hope that I will find that joy and happiness again when destiny calls me again. While this is a sad time of year for me, I have my family and it is getting easier as the years go by. Although I struggle with it, I am fairly well adjusted and can handle it. However, there are people in this world who have no one . . . this is the time of year suicides are on the rise . . . the joyous season is also the lonely season to many who have experienced some type of loss or hardship in their life. Reach out to someone you know who is not as fortunate as yourself this time of year . . . it could make such a difference in their life . . . I hope rather than bringing you down, I made you think about how fragile life is and to be so grateful for and appreciate those you love. Love like there is no tomorrow . . . Happy holidays my friends . . . peace, love and happiness . . . Sentimental Lady | Bob Welch Lyrics You are here and warm But I could look away and you'd be gone Cause we live in a time When meaning falls in splinters from our lives And that's why I've travelled far Cause I come so together where you are And all of the things that I said that I wanted Come rushing by in my head when I'm with you 14 joys and a will to be merry And all of the things that we say are very Sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one Now you are here today But easily you might just go away Cause we live in a time When paintings have no color, words don't rhyme And that's why I've travelled far Cause I come so together where you are And all of the things that I said that I wanted Come rushing by in my head when I'm with you 14 joys and a will to be merry And all of the things that we say are very Sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one You are here and warm But I could look away and you'd be gone Cause we live in a time When meaning falls in splinters from our lives And that's why I've travelled far Cause I come so together where you are Yes and all of the things that I said that I wanted Come rushing by in my head when I'm with you 14 joys and a will to be merry And all of the things that we say are very Sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one Sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one Sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one Well sentimental gentle wind Blowing through my life again Sentimental Lady Gentle one

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Getting the groove back

    Get serious with your life?  Really?

Seriously, I still don't have a complete grasp of what I want to do when I grow up.  The big picture is a lot more focused, however, there is so much in between getting there and here in the today.

Although I had joined the world of employment when The Captain moved in with me, then he joined that world and we eventually settled on retirement until we could figure out the rest.

A new relationship needs time to develop into a life of its own. The two people need to define, experience and constantly tweak as individuals need to change and grow.  We have been so fortunate and I am so grateful we have had this time to find ourselves individually and each other as a couple in our new reality after living and sharing another lifetime with other people.

Second chances in life are awesome!

Getting the groove back into a normal life and tweaking and perfecting the groove is a lifelong learning experience!  Don't you think?  Tweaking our lives keeps from having a boring life, which is a good thing!

One thing The Captain has taught me is serious positivity with no room for negativity.

Although I realized this many years ago, it has not been easy since I grew up in a fairly negative environment that was my normal.  It still is to a certain extent, but I am able to switch gears rather quickly to get back into that positive groove.  When I do, the whole world looks different in a good way thanks to my sweetie.

It has been a long journey, but I really think the time around the following post was my turning point.  The Captain was already in my life and I had to get  serious about getting my groove back!

This following post was originally posted

 on November 14, 2010:

After escaping to the outdoors and away from this computer, the blahs I was experiencing yesterday magically disappeared.  It is easy to forget to keep a positive balance in our lives when we are in the midst of things we get bogged down with.     

Life is somewhat of a never-ending "to do list" . . . you gotta walk away from it at times . . . escape in whatever way that works for you in order to keep the balance necessary for an awesome quality of life.

Reactions and responses need to be in the present rather than the past in order to positively respond to life circumstances . . . easier said than done . . . it is sometimes a difficult balance.

The key is understanding the reason behind the reactions, especially the negative ones. The thoughts that immediately inspire the reaction need to be positive in order to turn the tides and make unpleasant experiences tolerable and easier to cope with.

As long as I can remember, I have journaled daily about my emotions, happenings, reactions and outcomes . . . it was easy for me to go back and identify my natural impulses and reactions to problems. At times, the analysis of my emotions is a ponderous process, however necessary to leading a normal life after a life trauma.

The difficult part is changing those reactions by not identifying them with anything from a unique past experience . . . it is gone and must be released. Replace negative with positive thoughts . . . attitude adjustment.

A life of peace, love and happiness is all about maintaining a positive attitude through good times and bad experiences . . . they all eventually pass . . . better to experience the situation with a healthy state of mind.  A healthy state of mind knows when to escape and chill out a bit . . . what I call "getting your groove back".  

I'm working on it . . .

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Attitude and adjustments

Attitude is a complex mental state.

Definitely an understatement!

It can be a mix of feelings, beliefs and values
. . . a combination of infinite variables.

Sometimes attitude is a result of a simple feeling.

Attitude can make the difference between
a positive or negative result.

Attitude builds perception in someone else's
mind whether it is true or false.

"You cannot control what happens to you,

but you can control your attitude toward

what happens to you, and in that, you will

be mastering change rather than allowing

it to master you."

(Brian Tracy)

"Men are anxious to improve their circumstances,

but are unwilling to improve themselves; they

therefore remain bound."

(James Allen)

"When you can live with all your opposite qualities,

you will be living your total self."

(Deepak Chopra)

Attitude adjustments don't mean changing who you are . . .

it is changing how you choose to react to a situation.

Always be true to yourself!

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Messages From Beyond

The following story I found on the Guideposts website reminded me of a blog post I wrote many years ago.  I had become a widow a short time, missing the comfort I received from JR when I was feeling down or sick.  The one who was always there to wipe my tears was gone, never to return.  The best way I could describe the feeling is that my heart was not just broken, it was shattered.  

For a time, it seemed that everywhere I went, coins would show up on the ground.  After a while it felt odd!  It all made sense when I was watching Crossover, a television show . . . I forget the guy's name, but he was doing a segment of "Messages From Beyond."  

I know one of his messages was for me . . . "you keep finding coins on the ground . . . I want you to know everything is going to be alright" . . . to this day I know that JR was letting me know that he was still there watching over me to wipe my tears away.

Here is the story from Guideposts . . . 

Mysterious Ways: Calendar Message

My husband always knew how to ease my worries. After he died, I longed for his words of comfort.

By Marie Harris, Gulfport, Mississippi via Guideposts

Tears filled my eyes as I flipped over a page on my desk calendar to reveal today’s date: September 13. The first anniversary of my husband John’s death. I missed him fiercely, and the calendar’s daily inspirational messages often lifted my spirits when I was feeling particularly upset. I checked the day’s message. The page read: “Death is a new adventure in existence. No need to dread it or ignore it. Because of Christ, you can face it.”

Just the sort of thing I needed to remember. Life without John was hard on me. I’m a born worrier—John called me his ‘little worry wonk.’ I stressed over everything—public speaking obligations, the deadlines I faced in my job as a journalist, the safety of my friends and family. “Relax,” John always said. “If something is out of your control, worrying just wastes your time. You’re letting negative thoughts overwhelm you.”

I knew he was right, and I’d calm down—until I found something new to fret about. After John passed away, the grief only compounded my stress. I missed his soothing words of wisdom.

I stared at the page of the calendar. What a coincidence that this message came today, of all days, I thought.  I should save it.

I tore September 13 from the calendar and held the page in my hand. That’s when I noticed the date printed on the other side. April 19.

John’s birthday.

I turned the page over and read the message. “Destructive anxiety subtracts God from the future, faces uncertainties with no faith, tallies up the challenges of the day without entering God into the equation. Worry is the darkroom in where negatives become glossy prints.”

Exactly the words John would want his little worry wonk to hear.

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