Looking back

 

Caught in my fears

Blinking back the tears

I can't say you hurt me

When you never let me near

Lyrics from

Long Long Time

by Linda Ronstadt

Today has been a day of looking back at memories from different times of my life and all the love and close relationships I have experienced.  Some good, some bad . . . just like everyone else.

The most frustrating were the ones I didn't understand, but allowed myself to love anyway and sometimes got hurt.  Some people never let you in, no matter how close you think you are.  Still, I have no regrets.  

Those lyrics are somewhat contradictory, yet they ring true. 

I no longer have fears of close relationships because I am done with them.  My experiences with trust issues have crammed my lifetime.  I want the rest of my life to be content with what I have and the awesome memories that occupy my mind.

As times goes on, it seems to me that people in general have turned so cold, heartless, lacking compassion . . . I include myself in that statement.  I'd rather spend the time I have left alone with God to keep me company.  

Life wasn't always that way and it makes me sad.  I only see glimpses of the world I once knew.

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Solitude and Being A Hermit

 

I choose to be what so many people describe as being a "hermit."  For now, it is what is a comfortable lifestyle for me as I contemplate the rest of my life . . . again. 

It is important for me and necessary for my healing to write honestly about these past months without going into major details.  I also hope it will help just one person out there going through something.  That is what my blog is about. 

My heart has been broken.  I am grieving the loss of another husband and I've been judged by people who can neither understand nor validate my deepest thoughts, feelings, and concerns during one of the worse times of my life.  My body and soul has been numb and lost.

Lacking compassion for my feelings, they could not be gentle enough when I finally developed trust and honestly open up about everything, breaking something in me over and over again.  

My heart is tired and craves my alone time, the solitude that is my comfort zone from those who deem themselves "normal" and feel so compelled to judge me unfairly, not even trying to understand where I am in life and where I have come from emotionally, what I have been through.  I'm left with the uncomfortable feeling of being accused of having a "victim mentality" when they have no idea of who I am.  

All this has been life changing.

Yes, I now love my solitude and being a hermit.  There are a few people I allow myself to be close with.  These months have given me the time to contemplate what The Captain went through, where I have been and where I am going for the rest of my life.   I'm slowly healing, I can talk about it now and am confronting everything head on, getting stronger every day.  One day at a time, one second at a time.

Believe it or not, the solitude is beginning to make it possible to heal without the judging opinions of insensitive people.  The toxicity is no longer a part of my life, they are not a part of my life, and that makes me happy.  

It will affect the way I perceive those I think about letting into my life in the future.  This is the world we live in.  Insensitivity is no longer a rare thing.

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Support of your loved ones

The strength that your loved ones give you could inspire you to examine a more challenging life path. 

The aid and support of your loved ones can give you the courage to make the most of the opportunities you have been given. The people who care for you are a resource that you can draw from for support, and the value they can add to your experience is unlimited. Knowing that you are loved can raise your self-esteem, help you feel more comfortable taking risks, and empower you to believe in yourself. Because the people that are important to you will always support you, you’ll be less afraid of failure and more likely to try again should you falter. When you feel bolstered by your loved ones, you will see that anything is possible.

Source:  Daily OM

Growing up, my dad always called me stupid, nothing I did was ever good enough, always raising the bar of expectations as they were close to being reached.  Maybe in his warped way of thinking he was shaping me to be a better and stronger person, not knowing the lifelong damage it would do to me.

For most of my young life, I tried so hard to meet his expectations that were never going to be met.   The result?  As a young adult, I spiralled out of control and was thrust out in a world that I was not ready for, however, deep down inside I knew that I was not that stupid little girl that I was made to believe I was all my life.

Armed with traces of self-confidence from my past accomplishments that I knew were a good thing, I set out to prove to myself that the stupid little girl was never real.  It was a figment of my dad's warped imagination.  Why a person would do that to an innocent little girl is beyond my comprehension.

As time went on, I did prove to myself that I am a very intelligent person with compassion for others.  The compassion came from understanding the emotional hardships we all go through and what they do to our mental health.  However, self-esteem has always been a problem for me, no matter what I accomplish.

There have been people in my life who have recognized my problem with self-esteem and used it as a weapon against me.  It personally stops me in my tracks when I recognize it is happening and makes me wonder why this person is still in my life and their trait of flawed compassion questions my capacity to make wise choices.

It doesn't have to be loved ones.  The support of those we admire means so much . . . think about it.  Compassion and support from others is a treasured gift that should be cherished when you find it.

  

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Offering love and comfort

They invented hugs to let people know you  love them without saying anything.  (Bil Keane)



Sometimes just being with somebody,  rather than words,is all that  is needed to help.

Sometimes it is difficult to see someone we love struggling, in pain, or hurting. When this happens, we might feel like we need to be proactive and do something to ease their troubles.

While others may want our help, it is important to keep in mind that we need to be sensitive to what they truly want in the moment, since it can be all too easy to get carried away and say or do more than is really needed. Allowing ourselves to let go and simply exist in the present with another person may actually provide a greater amount of comfort and support than we could ever imagine.

Perhaps we can think back to a time when we were upset and needed a kind word, hug, or listening ear from someone else. As we remember these times, we might think of the gestures of kindness that were the most healing. It may have been gentle words such as “I care about you,” or the soothing presence of someone holding us and not expecting anything that were the most consoling.

When we are able to go back to these times it becomes easier for us to keep in mind that giving advice or saying more than is really necessary is not always reassuring.

What is truly comforting for another is not having someone try to fix them or their problems, but to just be there for them.

Should we begin to feel the urge arise to offer advice or repair a situation, we can take a few deep breaths, let the impulse pass, and bring our attention back to the present. Even though we may want to do more, we do not have to do anything other than this to be a good friend.

The more we are attuned to what our loved ones are feeling, the more capable we are of truly giving what is best for them in their hour of need. Keeping things simple helps us give the part of ourselves that is capable of the greatest amount of compassion—open ears and an understanding heart.

Embracing Others

You may be demonstrative in your affection toward your loved ones today. Demonstrating the depth of your caring could be a way to show your appreciation to the people in your life, for you might recognize that actions can be so much more powerful than words. Making a point to hug, touch, or caress someone who is close to you can not only let them know your feelings but also make your relationship even more intimate. If you are unable to physically embrace the people you care about today, you may wish to give a mental hug, imagining that your arms convey all the love that you hold inside for them. Whatever the nature of your embrace, it is important to keep in mind that even a simple form of touch can be incredibly powerful.

Hugs show the real intensity behind our warmth for others. Something as nurturing as physical touch often takes us back to a time when we were young and thrived on the affection of other people. As we grow older, it is easier to forget this aspect of our lives but just as essential nevertheless. The mere act of touching allows us to open the way for others to feel our unconditional love and to create an aura of trust and understanding. It is the ultimate means through which we are able to let others know how much they mean to us. Give as many hugs as you can today, and you will make the depth of your love wholeheartedly known.

Source: Daily Om

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Compassionate Conduct

You may be highly attentive to the needs of others today and thoughtful in your personal and professional relations. Strong feelings of compassion can lead you to be more considerate of the feelings of everyone you encounter. This empathetic awareness can manifest itself in your attitude and the tone of your voice, causing you to speak more gently and act more kindly. You may find that you have more patience than usual and are comfortable helping people who are in need in the various spheres of your life. As you make decisions pertaining to your future today, you will likely feel compelled to consider how your choices will affect your not only your family and friends but also your colleagues and the individuals you encounter on a day-to-day basis.

The compassion you feel can inspire you to become a kinder and more considerate individual. A harsh manner is often the result of simple thoughtlessness—we may carelessly pursue our own ends when we have not thought about those who will be affected by our decisions. When you are mindful of how the people in your life feel and conscious of how your actions contribute to their well-being, your demeanor will become more gentle. You’ll be more apt to express yourself calmly and considerately and to lend aid to all in need of your assistance. Your willingness to treat others’ concerns with the same seriousness you treat your own will demonstrate your thoughtfulness. When you allow your compassion free expression today, you will be mindful of how your words and deeds help or hinder others.

Source: The Daily OM

The above excerpt is an old horoscope

from Daily Om that can be for anyone

on any day.

Patience (or impatience) and compassion work hand in hand in the way we come across to someone else.  The choice of words used can either cut like a knife, especially if thrown around with harsh thoughtlessness or demonstrate loving concern if presented with compassion and patience.  Sometimes the same words used with a different tone or inflection make the difference between night and day as far as how we are perceived.

They are only words, as portrayed in the song, Words | The Bee Gees, but how we present them can bring everlasting smiles that will steal someone's heart or words you can't take back which leave an impression that makes another want to run away and never come back.

Love is caring about the feelings of the other person.

Choosing the behavior of compassionate

 conduct is always the best practice!

Lyrics

Words | The Bee Gees

Smile an everlasting smile
A smile could bring you near to me
Don't ever let me find you gone
'Cause that would bring a tear to me
This world has lost it's glory
Let's start a brand new story
Now my love right now there'll be
No other time and I can show you
How my love
Talk in everlasting words
And dedicate them all to me
And I will give you all my life
I'm here if you should call to me
You think that I don't even mean
A single word I say
It's only words, and words are all
I have to take your heart away
You think that I don't even mean
A single word I say
It's only words, and words are all
I have to take your heart away
It's only words, and words are all
I have to take your heart away

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Little Things

The little things? 

The little moments? 

They aren't little.

Jon Kabat-Zinn

When I read the above quote this morning, my thoughts immediately went to a song from my childhood that I have not heard in years, but the lyrics and melody of the song rang through my mind like a whirlwind.

The song is about little things being so important in a romantic relationship, but it applies to any relationship.

Sometimes in the midst of everyday life, we get busy and forget those little things.  I'm guilty of it like everyone else.  

It is so important to remember those little things, those little moments . . . they are what make great memories and great relationships.

Random acts of kindness show that you care.  It doesn't have to be a big thing that takes lots of time or even money.  A simple smile "just because"  can go a long way.

I have a particular soft spot in my heart for old folks.  Many times you see them alone at the grocery store, pushing their cart down the aisles, looking so sad.  I seek them out, make eye contact and smile.  The smile that is returned . . . a twinkle in their eyes that acknowledges appreciation that someone cared enough to notice them . . . it can make my day.  It was just a little thing, but it really wasn't little.

My husband makes my day every time we go somewhere and reaches out to hold my hand or gives me a kiss out of nowhere, for no reason.  Just a little thing that means so much to me.

Little things are awesome.  
They are what makes life special.

The song took me back to my childhood and wonderful memories of one of the most important people in my life . . . my nana.  It made me smile as I remembered some little things from my past that were so special.

Little Things | Bobby Goldsboro

Lyrics

Little things that you do make me glad I'm in love with you
Little things that you say make me glad that I feel this way
The way you smile, the way you hold my hand
And when I'm down you always understand
You know I love those

Little things in my ear that you say when there's no one near
Little things that you do let me know that your love is true
When we walk, you like to hold my hand
And when we talk you tell me I'm your man
You know I love those

Little things that I hear, the little things you whisper in my ear
I know there ain't nobody else like you
No one could do the little things you do-oo

Little things that you do make me glad I'm in love with you
Little things that you say make me glad that I feel this way
When we walk, you like to hold my hand
And when we talk you tell me I'm your man
You know I love those

Little things that I hear, the little things you whisper in my ear
I know there ain't nobody else like you
No one could do the little things you do-oo

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Happiness Never Forgets You

Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, 

never completely forget about it. 

Jacques Prévert 

A new blogging friend's post made me think about those times of grief, depression, anxiety and restlessness from way too many deaths of family and friends in a short period of time.  They were awful times when happiness was a distant memory, but something that was craved and prayed for. Life happens . . . we will all have to deal with grief at times in our lives. 

The focus of today's post is grief and the happiness and peace of mind it takes, sapping the energy out like the blood has been drained out of your body.  We all deal with it differently, but it sure can knock the wind out of even the strongest person.

This year will mark the ninth year of suddenly becoming a widow and I can say that I have finally moved on with my life and have found the happiness I was searching for.  I've learned how to be grateful for the beautiful life we shared, but it is not always easy.  Even now, so many years later, I experience those sad days when I miss the awesome friendship we shared.  

The usual trigger days are rough, like birthdays, anniversaries and holidays . . . the sadness of the loss creeps in, but as time goes on, happiness of my present life has shortened the sad time.  However, time does not heal, it merely allows us to cope more effectively.  At least that has been my experience.

The depression and anxiety that grief triggers is unlike anything else and so difficult to explain.  Unless you have gone through it, there is no way to understand the hell that the survivor feels trapped in.  Back in the day, I lost many friends who didn't care enough to understand what I was going through.  It felt as though I was a echo in a canyon . . . absolutely lost, not knowing where to turn . . . with a handful of friends and family who really understood.  

Depression itself holds a certain societal stigma, with outsiders thinking that the person going through it should "just get over it" . . . making the depressed person feel like even less of a person, like a freak of nature, not worthy of happiness and peace of mind.  It is a vicious cycle.  If you are one of those people . . . do the depressed person a favor . . . just don't say anything if you can't be a truly supportive, positive influence on them.  My grandmother had a saying about these type of people . . . they will kick a dead dog when he's down.

Based on my experience, there are a few things I'd like to add . . . get professional help if you are willing to accept the help.  It may sound crude, but rid yourself of those negative people who lack compassion for your situation in life . . . they will only make you feel like a freak . . . and you are not a freak, you are simply a human being going through a rough time in your life, having a difficult time coping.  

Love yourself . . . is so important to know that you are worthy of happiness again . . . give yourself permission to understand what is going on deep inside and analyze how to get yourself out of it.  Figure out what it is that will make you truly happy.  Journaling and writing about it helped me tremendously . . . I learned the questions to ask myself from my therapist, who essentially saved my life.

Having gone through all the stages and phases of grief, depression, anxiety, restlessness, anger and a judgmental society, I can honestly say that you can get through it and find happiness again.  It is attainable . . . really it is.  

Happiness may elude you for a season of time . . . but never lose hope that it will never return, it does.

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How do you show you care?

“Love is not only something you feel.
It is something you do.”

David Wilkerson

Every time there is a horrific tragedy that captures the national

 or worldwide stage, reported on 24/7, I can't help but think about
the following post I wrote back in 2007.

There are families whose loved one was lost forever and those
teetering on the edge of life.  Life is short.  Sometimes shorter
than we expect it to be.  We tend to think that we will be on
this earth forever.  We aren't.

Tragedies happen to someone else . . . 

isn't that what we think?

None of us is immune from tragedy . . . and death.

Now that I have found my "significant other" . . . again . . .
I catch myself worrying about this kind of stuff since
tragedy hit my life and it scares me to even think
about going through it again.

Rather than worry about something that hasn't happened,

I choose to be aware of how fragile life is . . . and how
beautiful and precious love shared with another is

and cherish that love for what it is . . . a gift from God.

In her book, ‘No Less Than Greatness,’ Mary Manin Morrissey speaks of a research study that explored how family members communicate with each other. Apparently, the most frequently spoken words between husbands, wives, sisters and brothers were “What’s on?” and “Move.”

She goes on to say, “We all desire great relationships but often settle for just getting by. Many of us have stopped questioning the fact that we may know fictitious TV families more intimately than we do our own.”


The most powerful force in our lives is our ability to love.

Indeed, it’s the most basic essence of who we are.

The whole idea of compassion is based on a
keen awareness of the other.
The whole purpose of life is to live by love.

Thomas Merton

Source: Higher Awareness

One of the most important messages I want to get across in my writing is to not wait until it is too late to realize how important someone you love is to you.

While telling them you love them is so important and the words “I love you” should be expressed sincerely and often, actions speak louder than words.

To my new readers . . . I am a widow who was happily married 22 years, never expecting to be single again . . . never wanting to be single again since my husband and I had a charmed life. We worked hard, partied hard and were so happy . . . although it was not perfect.  Nothing is perfect.

The tragic events of September 11 changed our lives. It horrified both of us and made us realize how fragile life is. We made a pact on 9/11/01 to never go to bed angry, always treat each “goodbye” as the last time we were to see each other and to find little ways of expressing love for each other.

It was the happiest year of our married life.

He died suddenly on 10/8/02.

Do you know how important of a gift that year was to me? 

 We had a great marriage, but the last year was awesome . . . the way it should be every day.

Remember my story the next time you say “goodbye” to someone you love.

How do you experience and express

your love for the people in your life?

P.S. I Love You My Captain

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Free Hugs

Wikipedia defines a hug as a form of physical intimacy, not necessarily sexual, that usually involves closing or holding the arms around another person or group of persons. The hug is one of the most common human signs of love and affection.


When asked what they miss the most about having a partner, a single person will no doubt answer "hugs" were sorely missed.  Hugs, not words, were the greatest comfort to me in my grief state when my husband passed away.  I didn't want to hear "I'm sorry" . . . I just wanted a hug . . . comfort and support without words.  


Hugs show many levels of affection, even in the animal kingdom!


What if you encountered a lonely stranger at an airport holding a sign reading "FREE HUGS" . . . would you give that person a hug?  To be very honest with you, with as much compassion that I possess, I can honestly answer "NO" . . . I'm not a touchy feely person with strangers.  In reality, I am a very private person when it comes to strangers.


Having said that . . . the Free Hugs Campaign has touched and impressed me on many levels.


There once was a lonely guy experiencing a bad phase in his life, a string of personal difficulties brought him to a crossroads in life that found him leaving London to venture back home to Sydney.  Left with a world of trouble and a suitcase that held everything he owned, feeling, lonely and depressed as he watched other travelers at the airport terminal being welcomed with open arms with lots laughter, hugs and smiles. He felt a sinking feeling as there was no one to greet him at the airport and desperately needed a hug.


On that day in 2004, the Free Hugs Campaign was born . . . the hugs are meant to be random acts of kindness - selfless acts performed just to make others feel better. 

The man who has become known as Juan Mann found some cardboard and a marker and made himself a sign that simply said 'FREE HUGS' . . . he found one of the busiest intersection in the city and held up his sign as people passed him by, just staring at him.  I can imagine they probably thought he was a lunatic!  


The first person to approach him was a little old lady whose dog had just passed away that morning on the anniversary of her only daughter's death . . . she told Juan that all she wanted at a time of feeling so alone in this world, was a hug.  She was smiling when they parted . . .


Years later, the International Free Day of Hugs is celebrated the first Saturday in July, described as a social movement involving individuals who offer hugs to strangers in public places.


The movement has had its moments . . . the police banned the practice of Juan and his fellow huggers from offering the free hugs on the street.  They were allowed to continue after filing petitions, jumping through bureaucratic hoops and red tape just to offer free hugs . . .


In this world of  influence from the Internet, Juan Mann ended up on the Oprah Show, gave out his real address and offered an open invitation to anyone to come over and chat on-camera as part of his 'open-house project', ultimately hosting 80 guests over 36 days . . . and created problems with his landlord.


Juan has since "retired" . . . 


Free Hugs Campaign Website enables those involved in the campaign to better organize themselves and coordinate their efforts. Check it out if you want more information on the movement . . .


Have you hugged someone today?

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Nurturing love

When we reach out to nurture and care for others, we use the power of love to transform their lives. Most of us think of love as an emotion that we feel for another person. While this is true, love is also a powerful, transformational energy we can direct toward others. By expressing love to another person, either verbally or physically, we transmit a powerful healing energy that can transform them. If they are willing to accept this loving energy, it can help them to heal and become stronger. You can make a powerful difference in the lives of your loved ones today by generously sharing your loving, nurturing energy.

Source: Daily Om

There is nothing more fulfilling than feeling the satisfaction of helping someone in need . . . you made a difference in their life, no matter how big or small the difference is. Sometimes even a smile can go a long way . . . for another person possibly having a bad day, that moment can be the trigger of bringing on a better day for them.

My new job has brought out my compassionate side and I'm living that satisfaction daily. People in need, those less fortunate than I . . . for whatever reason . . . they touch my life as well, making me so grateful for everything wonderful I have been blessed with.

Keeping a positive attitude and existing in a pleasant mode is a form of love and caring for those who surround us . . . a good mood is contagious and spreading positive vibes can make a difference in our close relationships.

Making a difference in the lives of those we love . . . the beauty of co-existing in this world with someone we love deeply who returns that love . . . it is nurturing that can heal just about anything . . . at least that's my perspective on nurturing love.

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