Never Apart

A part of you has grown in me
and so you see, it's you and me, 
together forever and never apart, 
maybe in distance but never in heart


I've been thinking back to the beginning of my relationship with The Captain.  We met unexpectedly online, started off with endless emails and moved on to having a bluetooth stuck in our ears 24/7.

We were both experiencing not so pleasant life transitions and clung to those phone conversations as if they were a lifeline.  At least for me they were.  Both of us worked at home and had all the time in the world to get to know each other.  We even spent holiday gatherings together on the phone as we celebrated with our respective families.  They thought we were crazy!

Long distance love is truly a strange phenomena.

The bond that I had with The Captain was unlike any I ever had in real life . . . it was so much stronger and it didn't seem possible since our eyes had yet not met.  Seriously!!

The bond with a very special person I had never met in person, had never touched, yet felt as if I had been touched as I had never been before seemed
like a beautiful dream that kept getting better.

It is as if we were never apart, even though we had never been together, and felt we had been together forever.

The constant fear was that I am not the person that he imagined me to be. I tried not to think along those lines, however, it was a strong reality. 

Isn't that normal with an online romance?

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About Needing Love

You will never know how much having love in your life means to you until you have lost it.  Losing it suddenly puts you in a "strange box" of shock and disbelief that is difficult to get out of, leaving you broken in a million pieces.  It left me feeling like such a freak of nature. At least that is how it was for me.  It didn't get better as time moved on, it just changed.

This morning I was thinking about what my world was like without love compared to now that I have found love.  Those thoughts took me back to a post I wrote many years ago that goes back to a transitional place in time between needing solitude and needing companionship and love.

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED SEPTEMBER 2007

My quest to find love came two years after JR died. I needed love at the two year mark . . . like that broken window, I could see my blindness and it was like the light of my life was turned on again.

Although I was surrounded by friends anytime I wanted to be, I had locked myself into a dark room refusing to come out and live life. I will never cry that much in my life again . . . it was a living hell. I had turned cold, like a robot, not wanting to feel, not wanting to talk, not wanting to see the light . . . the darkness of my bedroom sitting in my comfy recliner with music playing was all I needed.

Sure, I went through the motions of being social and hanging out with friends . . . but sometimes it is worse to be lonely in a room full of people than being alone with your thoughts and the ability to cry when you want to if that is what you need to do. That is when I retreated back to my dark room, it is how I could cope and adjust to everything I was dealing with at the time. I lost many friends who gave up on me for being anti-social and judging me for not "getting over it" . . . were they really friends?

There is one thing that I have learned in life . . . people who have not walked in your shoes will never understand that dealing with a problem, it doesn't matter what it is . . . takes a different approach for different people and varying amounts of time. Who is the "be all to end all" that decided what those time limits are? For me . . . the answer is God . . . everything happens in God's time for his reasons.

First thing I did was put in a personals profile on an online dating service. I met and dated a professional guy who was very nice, financially secure, looking for a wife . . . wanted to settle down NOW. My life would have been set with this man . . . I was perfect for him. A professional guy needs a partner who loves to entertain, knows how to throw a party, mingle with people and cook for an army. After a month, he was making plans on selling my house so I could move in with him. WOW . . . he was moving fast. I was still building trust and friendship . . . and trying to find just a little spark of chemistry. In the end, I frustrated the hell out of that poor man, but it showed me that I was not ready for that type of relationship although I still needed love.

Then I became emotionally attached to someone on the other side of the world through the magic of Yahoo Messenger, web cams and telephones. The mistakes I have made with an online relationship was allowing myself to have feelings for someone who is so far away that they may as well live on the other side of midnight. The way it will work for me is to not have expectations since meeting someone online and getting to know them gradually is perfect for me. I'm still not ready for the traditional way of dating. I have "dated" three guys the traditional way and it does not work for me at this time.

What does love mean to me? 

One of my friends has a saying that I love so much . . . two hearts collide and melt into each other's soul . . . that is what love means to me. Being a part of another person, facing life together as partners, experiencing good times and bad supporting each other. Love means the end of loneliness, the end of fear of being alone, security, the sense of belonging and the awesome feeling of the caring and nurturing of another person.

JR's death taught me of importance of maintaining one's individuality at the time . . . I didn't do that with him . . . I was part of a couple . . . not Gina the individual who was JR's life partner.

Right now, I will admit that I am in a self-imposed sentimental prison . . . it is where I need to be to get past some other problems that need to be addressed. I'm not going out looking for someone to love, I'm not even going out casually to make new friends. It is not the right time for me.

These lyrics . . . "driving into town tired and depressed, like a flare the streetlight bursts an s.o.s., peace comes to my rescue and i don't know what it means . . . i need love" . . .

What is the peace that will come to my rescue? That is the answer to one of the biggest questions in my life . . . and I'll know what it is when I find it . . . when God delivers it to me in whatever form he wants.

Lyrics:I Need LoveSixpence None The Richer

i left my conscience like a crying child
locked the door behind me put the pain on file
broken like a window i see my blindness now

i need love
not some sentimental prison
i need god
not the political church
i need fire
to melt this frozen sea inside me
i need love

driving into town tired and depressed
like a flare the streetlight bursts an s.o.s.
peace comes to my rescue and i don't know what it means
i need love

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Love is a Mystery

Being the hopeless romantic that I am, the one who believes in Prince Charming and Fairy Tales, love is one of my favorite subjects to ponder.

Love is a mystery for sure!

Ponder these questions that have come

to my mind and this

phenomena of chemical attraction and lust,

a chance meeting that can change your life.

With that thought in mind, I'm reminded of the

movies Serendipity and The Bridges of 
Madison County.

It is all about a chance meeting, awesome
chemistry between two people, love,
fate and destiny.


Why do some people affect us so profoundly
while others don't phase us? 


What is this chemistry that grabs a hold of us
like a strong magnet that refuses to let go?


It is not always about chance meetings and lust.

Why is it that you can know someone for a while
and then all of a sudden you feel that magnet pull?

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Head Over Heels

Something happens and I'm head over heels

I never find out till I'm head over heels

Something happens and I'm head over heels

Ah don't take my heart

Don't break my heart

Don't throw it away

lyrics from the song

Head Over Heels|Tears for Fears

As I was enjoying a relaxing morning sitting outdoors in what I consider to be perfect Florida weather, enjoying nature and feeling so thankful for everything I have been blessed with, thoughts of fairy tale love and fantasies came to my mind.  

The thoughts came out of nowhere!  Then this song started playing in my head and I remembered that I had written a blog post many years ago about the fairy tale love most women dream of.  So I decided to include this beautiful post about this aspect of love . . . fairy tales, fantasies and the dream of a future love yet to happen. 

Or maybe I'm just a romantic fool . . .

This post was originally published 

on November 1, 2007

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without.
If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with?
Fall head over heels.
I say find someone you can love like crazy and
who'll love you the same way back.
And how do you find him?
Forget your head and listen to your heart.
I'm not hearing any heart.
Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back.
Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this.
To make the journey and not fall deeply in love -
well, you haven't lived a life at all.
You have to try.
Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived".

[William Parrish] from the movie,
Meet Joe Black (1998)



This kind of love is worth the risk of getting hurt. It is pure and innocent, something uncontrollable to even the most composed and sophisticated person. The way you deal with it may be different than another person, but one thing we have in common as humans is not being able to control love. You can't, no matter how much you try. It just is . . .

My faith in meeting someone online is still strong since I continue to find men who attract me . . . that doesn't happen often in real life. Maybe it is because the internet includes the whole world instead of just a city, no matter how large.  Another variable is the emphases on personality.  After all, it is our first encounter with someone online.   The written word expresses ourselves more than the spoken word since we usually have time to think about what we are saying. 
I can't say finding someone attractive online happens every day or very often . . . in three years I would narrow it down to a few men . . . not many when you consider that I have spent considerable time in chat rooms and must have run into thousands of men online. So I'm not as fickle as you are thinking.

Something that still amazes me is the phenomena of "butterflies in the stomach" . . . have you ever been in love that much? There have been times when I felt physically sick with love . . . can't eat, no appetite. Losing weight is a sign that I'm in love, because the butterflies in my stomach make food very unappealing.

Then there is the heart "skipping a beat" thing . . . it does for me. Does that always mean love? Not for me, I don't think . . . although one person in particular makes me feel like a school girl teenager again . . . when I see that he is online or read something he's written, my heart skips a beat. If he has left a comment on my page . . . at first glance my heart wildly skips a beat. What it means is that I really need to meet this guy because I have some special chemistry for him . . . big time. He so inspires my writing about love and romance . . . guess who my fantasy man looks like. It is he who makes my heart skip a beat. 
He is the sign that everything is going to be ok . . .  I can feel this way about someone again . . . I'm alive again.

This is the feeling that begins the type of love described in the quote.
The happily ever after fairy tale love . . . Prince Charming & the Princess.
It has gone on since I got my first invitation to be his friend a while back. I feel like God throws me these weird little happenings, like a pleasant little joy to get me through the day. Kinda like a chocolate indulgence that you enjoy for the moment. 
I can't say I "love" this guy . . . I don't know him and never will, he lives in another world far away . . . let's call it a strange fascination that has gone on for quite some time that I have tried to ignore and just walk away with a smile on my face. He scares me . . . it is that "strange magic" thing with him.

He could have been put in my path to make the rocky road easier to walk. How could a total stranger so turn my head, capture my thoughts and feed my fantasies?  Diversions . . . God's little treats when life is otherwise not going well and needs us to keep the spirit.

Head over heels in love is what I live for . . . a true romantic who is in love with love feels that way about a love so beautiful that it is uncontrollable, wild and wonderful . . . especially when the feeling is reciprocated for real . . . and living happily ever after.

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The Bad Date . . . a nightmare from the past!

This was my first attempt at entering a writing contest back in September of 2007 . . . and it was voted first place . . . back in the days of Yahoo 360 blogs.  

It is unfortunately a true story . . . one of my first adventures with online dating after becoming a widow . . . I would say this story took place in 2005.

It was time to move on . . . after all, it had been over two years since my husband passed away. Since I was already online 24/7 as a full time eBay seller and a certifiable computer geek, my friends encouraged me to try computer dating.

Huh? How do you "date" on the computer? lol 
 Then the thought occurred to me that I make my living online, do my banking online, pay my bills online, order pizza for delivery online, learned out how to fix my toilet online . . . hmmmm why not make a love connection online? 
John and I made our connection through an "online dating service" and then corresponded through chat and phone. Since I'm so picky and don't want to waste my time on someone I know I would not like, I asked a lot of questions, wanted to see lots of photos and am very up front about what I am looking for. In turn, I do the same and accentuate my flaws as I don't want to disappoint anyone or waste their time either. 
After corresponding for roughly three months, we decided to meet . . . I know it was a long time, but I wanted to be sure and I was scared to death to jump into the dating scene. Keep in mind I was married 22 years and had not been on a "date" in a very very long time . . . thrown out in the jungle to fend for myself and find a new love to share my life with. 
John seemed to be everything I was looking for in a new love . . . he wasn't into playing games, was ready to settle down, no children, no nagging ex-wife, didn't hate women . . . NO BAGGAGE . . . from his photos, I was very attracted to him, he had an awesome personality that blended well with mine . . . we could talk for hours on the phone and time would just fly by, we liked doing the same things . . . . awwww seemed like a match made in heaven . . . 
The meeting place was a coffee shop at the mall. So far everything is cool and awesome, I was so anticipating meeting the man of my dreams . . . John seemed to fit all the criteria. As I walked into the coffee shop, I took a quick glance around and thought to myself that I must be early . . . no John . . . another thought, he changed his mind about me and I've been stood up. 
 I walk all around the place and as I was deciding where to sit and order a cup of coffee, I hear a familiar voice calling my name. When I turned around I could not believe my eyes. 
 This was not the man I had been corresponding with . . . well . . . it was, but he was using photos that were at least 20 years old. The beautiful hair was barely there and the sparkling blue eyes were lined with crows feet that were not apparent in the photos. 
 hmmmmm my italian blood started boiling immediately . . . I was deceived and all of a sudden I felt like the most stupid and gullible woman in the world. I wanted to run . . . very fast. 
He led me to his table and I ordered a cup of coffee, trying to be polite to this man that otherwise had become a friend, but definitely NOT a love connection . . . even if age was not a factor . . . HE LIED TO ME. 
 Yeah, he saw the disappointment on my face, I wear my emotions on my face, always have, even though I was trying to be polite and not hurt his feelings. But damn it . . . didn't he deserve for his feelings to be hurt? He wasted three months of my life, making me think he was someone he is not, deceiving me. 
 He finally asked me if I was disappointed . . . in my sarcastic witty way, I answered his question with questions, "Didn't you think I would be? Didn't you hear a word that I said about myself and what I expect out of a relationship? FIRST THING IS HONESTY . . ." 
When he said "I thought that if we spent enough time without you seeing me that you would fall in love with me, the person that I am before meeting me." hmmmmm it occurred to me that he was calling me a shallow person, but hey, I know what I want and I'm honest about it. Needless to say, with that statement, I had enough . . . the man was actually just as gorgeous as those photos, it was him, only 20 years older. 
 Maybe I would have given him a chance since we did hit it off, but the lie disappointed me so badly that I had a difficult time making eye contact with him and could not remain friends with him. 
Rule #1 . . . if you plan on meeting someone online, don't lie if you don't want to see the look of disappointment when you meet the person who is anticipating someone else entirely. 
Rule #2 . . . insist on seeing someone on webcam . . . at least that was one lesson learned . . . Three years later and more than a few disappointing experiences . . . I'm embracing my solitude . . . and enjoying it more every day.

Jumping back to present day . . . I have found that person I was searching for.  It took many years, but good things come to those who wait.  Not everyone you meet online is a bad person . . . I met the most wonderful person in the whole world on Twitter.  It is not all bad . . . you just have to be careful when dealing with people online.
This story is one of the many nightmares I experienced in those days following becoming a widow, but in the end, I am so grateful I never gave up on trust and faith.

EXCERPTS OF COMMENTS FROM THE ORIGINAL BLOG POST ON YAHOO 360

 

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Just wanna be happy

"So what if it hurts me? So what if I break down? So what if this world just throws me off the edge My feet run out of ground I gotta find my place I wanna hear my sound Don't care about all the pain in front of me Cause I'm just trying to be happy, yeah Just wanna be happy, yeah"
Lyrics from the song "Happy" by Leona Lewis

As I was writing a post on my music blog about the song "Happy" by Leona Lewis, the lyrics of the song inspired me to write this post.  
The song reminds me of the scary time in my life as I contemplated moving on with life and starting a meaningful relationship with the awesome guy I met online . . . The Captain.
In particular, the "what if" questions drove me crazy, especially what if he hurts me . . . what if it doesn't work out . . . blah blah blah . . .
The song makes an important point about taking chances in life . . . 

"I can't stand by the side And watch this life pass me by So unhappy But safe as could be"
Unhappy and safe . . . was that truly living life to the fullest?
It wasn't for me . . .
Long distance love worked for The Captain and I . . . it took a huge leap of faith and tons of patience for both of us.  In the posts of this blog, my life after the death of my husband depicts the raw emotions of life, the horrors of grief and the emptiness of a life without love.  I'm so happy and grateful I took a chance . . . it changed my life to all I ever wanted it to be . . . happy.
What if I had not taken the chance . . .

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Love's Fire

Someday, after we have mastered the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love. Then for the second time in the history of the world, we will have discovered fire.

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

He set the world aflame,

And laid me on the same;

A hundred tongues of fire

Lapped round my pyre.

And when the blazing tide

Engulfed me, and I sighed,

Upon my mouth in haste

His hand He placed.

Rumi

When I think of romantic love, I think of fire.  

Love is fire that takes on its own life as

 in an uncontrollable wildfire.

It is all-consuming . . . and isn't that wonderful?

The fire of love can make us move the proverbial mountain.

Awesome chemistry between two people that is as a wildfire

is also as gentle as a peaceful breeze.  

It is everything good that life has to offer.

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What is love?

Love is patient, Love is kind,

It does not envy, it does not boast,

It is not proud, It is not rude,

It is not self-seeking,

It is not easily angered,

It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil,

but rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects, always trusts,

always hopes, always perseveres.

Love bears all things, believes all things,

hopes all things, endures all things.

L o v e N e v e r E n d s

L o v e N e v e r F a i l s

Corinthians 13 : 4 - 8

It is my favorite interpretation of perfect love and my favorite passage from the Bible . . . in my opinion, the most beautiful words ever written.

Love is a many splendored thing with a range of meanings as deep as the ocean . . . all beautiful since love is the most important emotion there is.

There is romantic love which transforms an otherwise normal woman into feeling like the queen of the world. Romantic love manifests itself into passionate ”forever love” . . . being a part of another person, facing life together as partners, experiencing good times and bad supporting each other . . . the end of loneliness, the end of fear of being alone, security, the sense of belonging and the awesome feeling of the caring and nurturing of another person. Finding true, forever love with another human being is the most beautiful thing that can happen in anyone’s life. That just touches on the romantic side of love.

Then there is the nurturing part of love as in the love of a child or the love . . . the love of a favorite thing, as in the love of music.

All types of love change with intensity and the passage of time takes love through differing stages. The exploration of love is my favorite journey through peace, love and happiness . . .

This post was written before I found love again.

It is my first post of the year since love is one of the themes
of my blog . . . and this is one of my favorite posts of all time.

I dedicate this post to The Captain, who has enhanced my

life beyond my prayers and wildest dreams.

I love you sweetie . . . Happy New Year

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Serendipity . . . fate and destiny

accidentally discovering something fortunate

while looking for something else entirely

The word derives from an old Persian fairy tale

“life is not merely a series of meaningless

accidents or coincidences . . .

but rather it’s a tapestry of events . . .

that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan . . .

if we are to live life in harmony with the universe . . .

we must all possess a powerful faith

in what the ancients used to call fatum . . .

what we currently refer to as destiny.”

dialogue from the movie “Serendipity”

Sooner or later, most of us
encounter “love at first sight”

we know it isn’t love, it is intense chemistry

. . . or is it?

The movie Serendipity is one of the most unusual romantic love stories I have ever seen . . . what a concept . . . I think about all the time since serendipity has happened for me several times in my life . . .

Here is a synopsis of the movie:

It was a busy holiday rush shopping day . . . two strangers among the masses in New York City . . . Jonathan meets Sara in a busy department store when both try to buy the same pair of gloves . . . their paths collide and they instantly feel a mutual attraction.

Despite the fact that each is involved in a relationship, Jonathan and Sara spend the evening traveling Manhattan and are quickly forced into pondering the question “what is the next step?” when the night reaches its inevitable end.

When Jonathan suggests exchanging phone numbers, Sara proposes an idea that will allow fate and destiny to take control of their future. 

If they are meant to be together, she tells him, they will find their way back into the life of the other.

The movie is about their seven year journey back to each other . . .

a beautiful story of fate and destiny that asks the question . . .

“Can once in a lifetime happen twice?”

The Greeks didn’t write obituaries . . .
they only asked one question after a man died . . .

“Did he have passion?”

Passion, romantic chemistry and “love at first sight”
is all that . . . it is everything, a beautiful gift!


This post is an update of an older post.
The update answers the question "can once in a
lifetime happen twice?" . . . the answer is YES!


If you've been reading my blogs, you'll know I strongly believe in fate and destiny.  When I had given up on ever finding love again and embracing my solitude after becoming a widow, a wonderful online friendship turned into finding that "twice in a lifetime" love.

What are your thoughts on
passion and romantic chemistry?

Do you believe in fate and destiny?

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