The Turning Point

 

• “True abundance isn’t based on our net worth, 
• it’s based on our self-worth.” 
• Gabrielle Bernstein

After 9-11, the book "Simple Abundance" changed my life.  Since then, my quest for success and making more and more money changed to being grateful for what I have.  It stresses what is really important in life.

The realization to slow down, take a deep breath and enjoy the moment is lost in our society.  It seems like they wake up angry and run around like a chicken with its head cut off.  

My life has changed drastically since my younger days.  I was one of those people running around and moving so fast that I could not enjoy anything.  That can make you very angry at the world and everything that happens, no matter how good.

When I decided to drop out, stay home and become an internet retailer, the relief I felt was indescribable.  The feeling of peace within my soul was so much more important than the money.  JR and I were the happiest we had ever been.  That was so important since he passed away shortly after the lifestyle change.  For that I have been eternally grateful.  All the money in the world could not bring me to that place.

Life after The Captain passed away has been filled with guilt since so many things were left in an undone, bad place and stole my peace.  Forgotten were the lessons learned on 9-11 of treating every day as if it was the last.

It has been difficult for me to have a positive attitude and grateful life since I felt so undone to the soul of my being.  Having to put Kiki to sleep was the ultimate "nail in the coffin" to my life.

Today, I am back to the gratefulness as I finally realize that these things are all part of life, the good and the bad.  I believe it is all God's will and I should trust him.  Everything happens for a reason.  I'm so happy for the awesome memories of my past life that made me happy and even the sad ones.  

More importantly, they have

 taught me valuable life lessons.

My relationships with people in this world have solidified my love of being home alone and not feeling the judgment of others with whatever I am experiencing in my life.  Now I don't care what anyone thinks and that is finally true freedom. I am not lonely since I have a very content life.

Do what makes you happy no matter what anyone else thinks!

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Roller coaster of emotions

 

My life has been like a roller coaster for as far back as when my Nana passed away when I was a young adult.  It seems like I am always in the "learning how to live again without you" stage.

The hardest one is dealing with the decision to put Kiki to sleep.  The devastating emotional decision came too soon after The Captain passed away and I became a true hermit.  

Kiki was all the emotional support I needed and took comfort in her sweetness like when she'd put her paw on me, letting me know that she was here for me, or the look in her eyes that could talk to me without words.  I depended on that love and comfort too much and loved her as much as I would have loved my own child that I never had.  Signing that paper was the worse thing I have ever had to do in my whole life.

I know that I did a good thing for her since the vet told me she was so sick and loved her enough to not want her to go through pain.  But making the decision to let her go is still haunting me, some days worse than others.  At least I am experiencing decent days and am so grateful for finally having those days.

Now I am learning how to live alone while learning to live without those loved ones who are no longer with me.  It is definitely a roller coaster of emotions.  Interacting with others has become difficult for me since, at this time of my life, I have nothing to say to anyone.  Look at my blog since The Captain passed away.  I miss him terribly, the emotions are raw and I find it difficult to even want to speak to anyone at this time.  

Once again, I am on medication for my anxiety after trying to live without it.  Now I am trying a different one that works better.

My mom was recently back in town and I actually drove a short distance.  It was not a complete success, although I did get out and even went to a restaurant twice.  So I have made some progress even though there were some failures involved that have affected me negatively.

It is all good . . . progress is progress!

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Adversity

 

"All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me. You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you."

Walt Disney

For as long as I can remember, Walt Disney has been so inspirational to me. He went bankrupt several times and was laughed at (I imagine hysterically) about his cartoon mouse. He had the last laugh. It goes to prove that one should never give up on a dream or aspirations for happiness . . . whatever your heart desires.

There was a time in my life when everything seemed to be perfect. I had a great job in the corporate world, made decent money, had a great marriage and I could go on. It was one of the happiest times of my life. Speaking of Disney, we visited Disney World at least once a month since we were both at our jobs a very long time and had over a month's worth of vacation . . . lots of long weekends are awesome when you put in at least 70 hours a week.

Well, keeping up that work routine and office politics took its toll on me. One day I walked away, it was impulsive, in a sense it was a horrible move, but we finally got the peace and happiness needed and our lives changed drastically.

We became a one income family, I really got into cooking and gardening. At that time, I wanted to be like Martha Stewart. It was a very satisfying time and my marriage to JR was the best ever. We were so happy.

What seemed like a giant setback in my life turned out to be the best thing I ever did. I am so grateful that JR and I got so much closer and happier since his life was cut short at 42 years old. We never would have had that great life. I spoiled him rotten and we were so blissfully happy. If I still worked those 70 hour weeks, there is no way we could have had that degree of happiness.

Everything in life happens for a reason.

After years of agonizing grief, I met The Captain and remarried.

Now that I have become a widow for a second time, I have become stronger, but I wonder about the reasons why God chose for me to be in this survival mode again, it was difficult enough the first time. All I have to say is that I must have huge rewards coming after all this adversity and heartbreak.

But I still believe and have faith that I can be happy again.

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