Adversity

 

"All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me. You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you."

Walt Disney

For as long as I can remember, Walt Disney has been so inspirational to me. He went bankrupt several times and was laughed at (I imagine hysterically) about his cartoon mouse. He had the last laugh. It goes to prove that one should never give up on a dream or aspirations for happiness . . . whatever your heart desires.

There was a time in my life that everything seemed to be perfect. I had a great job in the corporate world, made decent money, had a great marriage and I could go on. It was one of the happiest times of my life. Speaking of Disney, we visited Disney World at least once a month since we were both at our jobs a very long time and had over a month's worth of vacation . . . lots of long weekends are awesome when you put in at least 70 hours a week.

Well, keeping up that work routine and office politics took its toll on me. One day I walked away, it was impulsive, in a sense it was a horrible move, but we finally got the peace and happiness needed and our lives changed drastically.

We became a one income family, I really got into cooking and gardening. At that time, I wanted to be like Martha Stewart. It was a very satisfying time and my marriage to JR was the best ever. We were so happy.

What seemed like a giant setback in my life turned out to be the best thing I ever did. I am so grateful that JR and I got so much closer and happier since his life was cut short at 42 years old. We never would have had that great life. I spoiled him rotten and we were so blissfully happy. If I still worked those 70 hour weeks, there is no way we could have had that degree of happiness.

Everything in life happens for a reason.

After years of agonizing grief, I met The Captain and remarried.

Now that I have become a widow for a second time, I have become stronger, but I wonder about the reasons why God chose for me to be in this survival mode again, it was difficult enough the first time. All I have to say is that I must have huge rewards coming after all this adversity and heartbreak.

But I still believe and have faith that I can be happy again.

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Coping with death and grief amid a senseless tragedy

"Each of us is more than capable of helping the world, despite our fears and limitations and the uncertainty that holds us back. It is commonly accepted that it is impossible to make a difference without unlimited funding or free time, yet most healing, cleansing, and spreading of joy is accomplished in a matter of minutes." 

Source

Almost a week has passed since the terrorist attack on the nightclub in Orlando.  It has taken me all this time to make an attempt to write about how I am feeling aside from the politics of it all.

Being the compassionate person that I am, it has hit me to the pit of my soul with tremendous grief that I can't explain.  I don't know any of those affected by one man's anger and rage, but I can stand in their shoes in my thoughts and prayers for them.  News reports that featured the loved ones and victims brought me to tears that didn't go away after the report.  It was the same for me after 9/11.  

Senseless tragedy . . . these young people were here one moment enjoying a night out on the town, the next moment groveling on the blood filled floor next to dead bodies fighting to survive or huddled in a bathroom with countless others also fearing their impending death.  And then there are the victims who were left on the floor for days in a pool of blood.  The visions are haunting me.

One survivor's story really hit me hard for some reason.  His legs were shot and he could not walk.  When police came in to rescue those who had survived, he had to be drugged on the floor through dead bodies, glass and blood to get him outside in order to be transported to the hospital.  You could see the pain in his eyes as he told his story.  A nightmare none of them will soon forget.  I know I will not soon forget.

In addition to feeling the pain of these people, those who had to wait way too long to learn of their loved one's fate . . . days of agony . . . the survivors who feel guilty for living after witnessing hell on earth (I could go on and on) . . . I am feeling extreme helplessness and a sinking feeling for our world society.

Those of us who have experienced the sudden death of a loved one, the shock of a nightmare that will live with us forever and the acceptance of "life as it is now" can somehow relate to the pain of losing those young people whose potential in this world had not yet been found.  Their lives had just begun.  Senseless tragedy and the long road of surviving grief that has just begun.

It made me sick to my stomach as our president visited those same people going through so much pain and grief who had to endure the rants of a politician playing politics.  Not the time and place!  He should be ashamed of himself . . . but it is exactly what I thought he would do.  Adding insult to injury . . . isn't that special?

All this talk of the realization of the world we live in has made me extra apprehensive about leaving the house and the return of agonizing anxiety.  I have been fighting this problem for years and in many ways have proven that I can conquer it, only to remind me of one of the reasons I am fearful to leave my comfort zone. All I know is that in the midst of weaning myself off of anti-depressant and anxiety medication, I'm confused on how to proceed with my struggle to become normal again.

I feel better after letting my feelings out into words . . . writing has always been my best therapy.  I hope you do the same if you are experiencing the same feelings.  Let it out . . . start a private blog if don't want the world to know how you feel.  I hope by making my feelings known, it helps even one person going through the same anxiety and . . . I wonder how many people out there are feeling the same.  

Amid the hopeless feelings for this precious world and those affected by the tragedy, all I can do is pray and have faith we can all learn to cope with our ever changing world.

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Grief: How We Survive

I could have written this poem . . . 

it perfectly describes how we survive grief.

Mark Rickerby wrote this poem following the death of his brother:

If we are fortunate,

we are given a warning.

If not,

there is only the sudden horror,

the wrench of being torn apart;

of being reminded

that nothing is permanent,

not even the ones we love,

the ones our lives revolve around.

Life is a fragile affair.

We are all dancing

on the edge of a precipice,

a dizzying cliff so high

we can't see the bottom.

One by one,

we lose those we love most

into the dark ravine.

So we must cherish them

without reservation.

Now.

Today.

This minute.

We will lose them

or they will lose us

someday.

This is certain.

There is no time for bickering.

And their loss

will leave a great pit in our hearts;

a pit we struggle to avoid

during the day

and fall into at night.

Some,

unable to accept this loss,

unable to determine

the worth of life without them,

jump into that black pit

spiritually or physically,

hoping to find them there.

And some survive

the shock,

the denial,

the horror,

the bargaining,

the barren, empty aching,

the unanswered prayers,

the sleepless nights

when their breath is crushed

under the weight of silence

and all that it means.

Somehow, some survive all that and,

like a flower opening after a storm,

they slowly begin to remember

the one they lost

in a different way...

The laughter,

the irrepressible spirit,

the generous heart,

the way their smile made them feel,

the encouragement they gave

even as their own dreams were dying.

And in time, they fill the pit

with other memories

the only memories that really matter.

We will still cry.

We will always cry.

But with loving reflection

more than hopeless longing.

And that is how we survive.

That is how the story should end.

That is how they would want it to be.

- Mark Rickerby (c) 1997

Published in The Grief Toolbox

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Finding Your Joy

Some wise words from Daily Om about happiness and joy . . .

Being happy doesn’t come naturally to everybody. It is your birthright to be happy, choose happiness everyday. Our lives are rich with potential sources of happiness, but sometimes we become victims of negative thinking because we believe that focusing on all that has gone wrong will provide us with the motivation we need to face the challenges of survival.

When we choose to focus on what makes us happy, however, a shift occurs in the fabric of our existence. Finding something to be happy about every single day can help this shift take place. The vantage points from which we view the world are brought into balance, and we can see that being alive truly is a gift to be savored. There is always something we can be happy about—it is simply up to us to identify it. On one day, we may find happiness in a momentous, life-changing event such as a marriage or the birth of a child. On another day, the happiness we experience may be a product of our appreciation of a particularly well-brewed cup of a tea or the way the sun shines on a leaf. If we discover that we literally cannot call to mind a single joyful element of existence, we should examine the cause of the blockage standing between us and experiencing happiness.

Keeping a happiness journal is a wonderful way to catalog the happiness unfolding all around us so that joy has myriad opportunities to manifest itself in our lives. Writing about the emotions we experience while contemplating joy may give us insight into the factors compelling us to resist it. Happiness may not always come easily into your life. You have likely been conditioned to believe that the proper response to unmet expectations is one of sadness, anger, guilt, or fear.

To make joy a fixture in your existence, you must first accept that it is within your power to choose happiness over unhappiness every single day. Then, each time you discover some new source of happiness, the notion that the world is a happy place will find its way more deeply into your heart. On this day, find one thing to be happy about and let it fill your heart.


Source: The Daily Om

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Bottomless pit of wants and desires

If you look at what you have in life,
you'll always have more.
If you look at what you don't have in life,
you'll never have enough.

Oprah Winfrey

The lifestyle theory of Simple Abundance teaches being happy and grateful for the little things in life, no matter how much or how little we actually have. It is a balance of wants and needs . . . wanting what we need and being happy with those things.

Feeling absolute contentment is a beautiful and joyous way to live. Sometimes we are taken through one of life's rocky roads so we can finally be content with merely being able to survive and appreciating everything good that comes our way . . . as opposed to a bottomless pit of wants that will never fill limitless desires.

There have been times in the past couple of years when I'd turn my attention to those unfortunate people whose life situation and circumstances were far more severe than mine . . . in those times of being down, depressed and just wanting for my life to be over, I was brought back to reality when my thoughts turned to their strife.

No matter what your situation in life, someone else is having a life struggle far greater . . . misery doesn't really love company, it is just good to know that we are not alone in our life struggles . . . everyone has them. The key to a fulfilling and happy life is knowing how to handle those times and quickly get back on track.

Don't be a bottomless pit of wants that will never fill limitless desires.

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When Things Go Wrong In Life

Things don't go wrong and
break your heart so you
can become bitter and give up.

They happen to break you down
and build you up so you can be
all that you were intended to be.

(Charles "Tremendous" Jones)



I guess this means that I'm going through
another time of building my character!

In times of uncomfortable life challenges, I always try to remember that there are so many others in this world who wish they could trade places with me.  This week marked the anniversary of Sandy, the super storm, and the news media was taking a look back at her victims and where they are today.  Many have not finished rebuilding and others lost everything.  Imagine, a year later! 

My sweetie is teaching me about perspective and how the way one perceives a situation can change the way you feel about it and get through it with less anxiety.  There is hope for me after all . . .

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Does money rule?

Yes it does!

This time my survival mode has to do with money.  However, The Captain and I are not alone in this struggle . . . there is so much going on in the United States, and it is not good.

"If money be not thy servant, it will be thy master."

-- Francis Bacon

In what ways does money rule your life?

Money has entered so deeply into our lives that it can become our primary reference point. We make so many of our decisions based on how they affect the bottom line. Do you compromise things you really value for money? Has the power of money hurt your relationships, your health, your work or your self-respect?

"If a person gets his attitude toward money straight, it will help straighten out almost every other area in his life."

-- Billy Graham

How do you think of money?

"Money is a highly charged subject. And most of the emotions people feel around it are negative: fear, shame, embarrassment, anger."

-- Jerrold Mundis

How do you feel about money?

Many of us are afraid of money. With this fear, we avoid dealing honestly and completely with our financial situation. We only have a vague idea of how much money we earn and spend, and even how much we owe. By refusing to accept financial responsibility, we sacrifice our chances for a better life.

"Choosing wealth as a goal requires facing everything about your money bravely, honestly, with courage -- which is a very, very hard thing for most of us to do. But it can be done."

-- Suze Orman

Prosperity depends more on wanting what you have than having what you want. 

-- Geoffrey F. Abert

Since becoming a widow, I have contemplated the role of money in my life and the difference between wants and needs.  Somehow I have always made it financially without changing my quality of life in a drastic way.

Like so many others living in the United States, our changing society and governmental rules have us concerned about our future and basic survival.

Although the country is experiencing a tremendous transformation, I still believe that prosperity is within reach for anyone who is innovative and willing to make sacrifices to get there.  That is where The Captain and I have been . . . making sacrifices now for a prosperous future.

This week finds us somewhat backed up against the wall and having to make major decisions and more sacrifices . . . not resulting from a "want," but a very important "need" that I don't think anyone can live without.  I consider this a major crisis like I have never encountered in my life and it has really made me think about the role of money in our lives, even if we live the "simple abundance life."  

Yes, I am having an extremely difficult time having any semblance of peace and serenity at the moment, but so far, I have kept it together rather well.  I pray that the current plan will work for us and be over with quickly . . . should we be that lucky.   However, luck has escaped us lately.

Current events in government have collided with our dilemma this week and the news of so much devastating news regarding basic health care has really bothered me.  Life changing decisions are being made in thousands or millions of households as we face our challenge.  Their nightmare is not going to go away soon.  Thank God Obamacare does not affect our lives . . . at least not at the moment.

Money has not ruled my life for a very long time . . . however, this latest event that most homeowners face has rudely made money a major part in the quality of our lives.  Two major events for us within a month or so has been a definite wake up call.

Whether we want to admit it or not . . . money does rule.  It is a necessary evil in my opinion.

"This too shall pass" for us . . . 

but I worry about the thousands or millions

of my fellow citizens affected by decisions our

government is making.  

How will it affect the quality of their lives?  

Where will they turn?

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Relationship with self

The most important relationship we have in our lives is with ourselves. And even though we are the only ones who are present at every moment of our lives—from birth onward—this relationship can be the most difficult one to cultivate. This may be because society places such emphasis on the importance of being in a romantic partnership, even teaching us to set aside our own needs for the needs of another. Until we know ourselves, however, we cannot possibly choose the right relationship to support our mutual growth toward our highest potential. By allowing ourselves to be comfortable with being alone, we can become the people with whom we want to have a relationship.

Perhaps at no other time in history has it been possible for people to survive, and even thrive, while living alone. We can now support ourselves financially, socially, and emotionally without needing a spouse for survival in any of these realms. With this freedom, we can pursue our own interests and create fulfilling partnerships with friends, business partners, creative cohorts, and neighbors. Once we’ve satisfied our needs and created our support system, a mate then becomes someone with whom we can share the bounty of all we’ve created and the beauty we’ve discovered within ourselves.

As we move away from tradition and fall into more natural cycles of being in the world today, we may find that there are times where being alone nourishes us and other periods in which a partnership is best for our growth. We may need to learn to create spaces to be alone within relationships. When we can shift our expectations of our relationships with ourselves and others to opportunities for discovery, we open ourselves to forge new paths and encounter uncharted territory. 

Being willing to know and love ourselves, and to find what truly makes us feel deeply and strongly, gives us the advantage of being able to attract and choose the right people with whom to share ourselves, whether those relationships fall into recognizable roles or not. Choosing to enjoy being alone allows us to fully explore our most important relationship—the one with our true selves.

Source: The Daily Om

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The Wonder of Luxuries

Some people have a wonderful capacity to appreciate again and again, freshly and naively, the basic goods of life, with awe, pleasure, wonder, and even ecstasy. 

Abraham H. Maslow

For me, it has become a routine lifestyle . . . that of simple living and being grateful for what you have.  Wanting only what I absolutely need has become the mindset.  It was actually a turning point in my life . . . one that brought special meaning and appreciation for everything I am blessed with.

The lifestyle is one of survival for many . . . a lifestyle that way too many people in this world have had to adopt as we have moved into very poor economic times together with rampant unemployment.

The other night I learned how naive I have become with stuff and the necessities of life.  Honestly, I do not need the extras anymore, although I still love those luxuries of life.

It was date night with The Captain . . . we went out to eat at our favorite neighborhood buffet and decided to go to the huge mall across town.  I had forgotten how festive malls can be this time of year . . . I have not been to a mall in years.  You can't help but get that awesome feeling of Christmas.

As we went past one of those kiosks lined up in the middle of the aisle, a sales lady came to me and offered to fix my hair.  I'm always ready to be pampered!  So, she proceeded to make my very long hair that is thick and curly very soft, straight and so shiny.  I kept looking at myself in the mirror with great disbelief at how easy it was to make my hair straight with this cute little contraption.  We always want what we don't have and I have always wanted straight hair.

Before I knew it, The Captain pulled out his wallet and bought me the cute little contraption!  OMG . . . I wasn't even thinking about taking one home with me.  It is quite a pricey little thing!  What a treat!  I was like a little girl the rest of the evening.  For one thing I couldn't stop touching my silky soft hair . . . and I loved that my sweetie couldn't stop touching it either :)  I held on to that bag like someone was going to steal my little treasure from me (well, in this world, you have to be careful in reality).

When I found the above quote, I thought about those little girl feelings I had that night, so happy with my new treasure and SO excited that I can have soft straight hair whenever I want!

I'm really grateful for and appreciate my new husband :)  He's my treasured gift from God!

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Embrace Self-Worth and Self-Love

If you have built castles in the air
your work need not be lost.
That is where they should be.
Now put the foundations under them.

Henry David Thoreau


One of the ways to love the self more is to stop comparing yourself to others. Although you are part of a whole, you are also an individual self, with your own path. The group and family belief systems you have taken on as your own can be obstacles to your self-love. The challenge of loving the self is to step aside from everything you are told, and ask, "Does this fit me? Does this bring me joy? Do I feel good when I do it?" It is ultimately your own experience that counts.
(Orin & DaBen through Sanaya Roman,
from the book, Living With Joy) 
orindaben.com


"Nobody needs to prove to anybody what they're worthy of, just the person that they look at in the mirror. That's the only person you need to answer to."
Picabo Street


"Self-worth comes from one thing - thinking that you are worthy."
Wayne Dyer



"We long for love, success, abundance and all that is good to come into our life. Yet, many of us feel we are not worthy of such good fortune. It is a great moment when we finally realize we are worthy of all the goodness, all the greatness and all the love that life has to offer. For it is that moment we realize our true nature, our true identity and from that moment forward our lives change. When we know we are worthy of our heart's desire, it shows up effortlessly."

Mastin Kipp

Self-love and self-worth can be tricky, especially when one is afflicted with any degree of depression.  The mind can play tricks on thoughts and perceptions that may lead to feelings of unworthiness and self-hatred.  It just happens!

Even though I had the emotional tools to deal with feelings of failure at various stages of my life, my conscious mind didn't want to deal with it.  Isn't it easier to just give in and let yourself dig the hole deeper and deeper into the danger zone?  How well I know . . .

I think of the millions of people who are currently unemployed in poor economic times, having to compete with those who are over-qualified for the same positions . . . those who are willing to take the position just to survive.  I've been there too . . . the subconscious feeling of self-worth and and the survival mode is what got me back on my feet and back to the reality of having to compete for a job.  It is a mind game.

It is my belief that anyone can do anything they set their mind to when self-worth, confidence and a strong sense of survival is present.  What a freeing experience it was for me to finally realize that I am an asset in the workplace.  At that point, it was easy to present myself as such to a potential employer.

Finding real love again happened for me the same way.


Self-love and self-worth are
important ingredients in this
 world of survival of the fittest.

Refuse to be a victim!

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Survival mode

Finding Deep Strength

We have all have times in our lives
when we think we don’t have the
strength to carry on.

You do, and you can.

We have all faced moments in our lives when the pressure mounts beyond what we feel we can handle, and we find ourselves thinking that we do not have the strength to carry on. Sometimes we have just gotten through a major obstacle or illness only to find another one waiting for us the moment we finally catch our breath.

Sometimes we endure one loss after another, wondering when we will get a break from life’s travails. It does not seem fair or right that life should demand more of us when we feel we have given all we can, but sometimes this is the way life works. 

When we look back on our lives, we see that we have survived many trials and surmounted many obstacles, often to our own amazement. In each of those instances, we had to break through our ideas about how much we can handle and go deeper into our hidden reserves. The thought that we do not have the strength to handle what is before us can be likened to the hard surface of a frozen lake. It appears to be an impenetrable fact, but when we break through it, we find that a deep well of energy and inspiration was trapped beneath that icy barrier the whole time. 

Sometimes we break through by cutting a hole into our resistance with our willpower, and sometimes we melt the ice with compassion for our predicament and ourselves. Either way, each time we break through, we reach a new understanding of the strength we store within ourselves. 

When we find ourselves up against that frozen barrier of thinking we cannot handle our situation, we may find that the kindest choice is to love ourselves and our resistance too. We can simply accept that we are overwhelmed, exhausted, and stretched, and we can offer ourselves loving kindness and compassion. If we can extend to ourselves the unconditional warmth of a mother’s love, before we know it, the ice will begin to break.

Source: The Daily Om

In retrospect, the strength I found inside of me when my husband died amazes me to this day. My sincere belief is that we all possess a deep strength that we can't even imagine until we actually need it. It is what I call survival mode.

There have been many times that I have reached deep down inside to tap into my survival mode. Many people give into the life obstacle, not knowing that the survival mode even exists, maybe it is too much trouble. It is the equivalent of falling down and not getting back up.

I love this quote . . . it is so important to remember . . .

"Failure is not falling down, it's staying down."

Renee Yohe

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Don't take anything for granted

When we are supported by others, expressing gratitude tells the universe that we appreciate our good fortune. When we take the time to reflect upon the countless miracles that happen to assist us, we may notice that the change in our level of awareness will change the quality of our life for the better.

So often in life we tend to take things for granted. We may feel that we haven’t been given everything that we deserve. Reflecting upon the abundance of life, however, helps us develop a keener sense of awareness of our gifts. Thank the universe for its support today, and you will be able to gratefully accept everything that life has to offer you.

Source: Daily Om

I'm happy to be in survival mode . . . and surviving . . .

life could be better, but it could also be much worse.

 I'm grateful! 

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Tragic society

The news of more and more foreclosures, rising unemployment and general financial disasters has made me wonder when things would start getting really crazy as society becomes so distraught, feeling like they are pushed against the wall with nowhere to go.

It occurred to me tonight that the tragedies have begun and we need to be aware of those close to us . . . you never know what a person or a family is going through.

In recent news I read of a man who froze to death in his home . . . his electricity had been turned off. Didn’t anyone know he was in that situation? An act of kindness as simple as a ride to a local shelter so he could sleep in a warm room and the man would be alive today. It reminded me of a news story I heard a year or two ago where a man was dead in his house for months, maybe even a year . . . and no one knew . . .

Another story hit me as so tragic today . . . a man and his wife both lost their jobs . . . they were found shot to death in their home, along with their children . . . murder/suicide. The story of why was faxed to the local television station before the deaths occurred.

It is tragic desperation . . . I don’t believe in the government bailing out society when money does not grow on trees and “society” is becoming financially devastated and unemployed . . . where does it end? We, as a society, must start helping each other in little ways that will make a difference.

There is always coping with life and a way out of a situation . . . time and faith for starters. Death is not the way, although sometimes I think the ones not having to go through the type of struggles our society is embarking upon are the peaceful souls as we are entering into a time in our world that is a form of hell on earth. We will soon hear these stories with daily frequency and become more desensitized than we already are.

While I can understand the mentality of being distraught, I also know that if we take a moment at a time, think about the situation, reach out to each other, draw closer together . . . there is nothing we can’t do as a society . . . we have no choice but to help each other survive.

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The experience of survival

In the midst of a time of turmoil, stress, uncertainty all you want to do is be able to make it through . . . survive it . . . although it usually feels like the bad vibes will never go away and nothing will ever feel “normal” again.

I am still not feeling “normal” every day and it could also be that my heart keeps getting broken and disappointed on top of a heart that still grieves for JR, even after six years that he passed away.

Logic and reason has nothing to do with what the heart experiences, feels so deeply and it goes from day to day in the survival mode. Seems like looking at the past years in retrospect, my heart has been surviving one thing after another when the greatest promise for my life to finally come together presented itself last year after going through my first online heartbreak. Maybe the lesson that should be learned is to not jump from the frying pan to the fire.

Although my heart longs to be loved again with the intensity of my happy marriage to JR that was the real thing in my life that continues to give me hope . . . the real and true love that we had for each other, the respect and honesty we shared that is so necessary for a long term relationship . . . I’ve put love on the back burner. It scares me now, but not forever, just now.

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