Little steps

Those who would climb to a lofty height

 must go by steps, not leaps.

St. Gregory the Great

from a letter to Augustine of Canterbury




Baby steps is what is needed when a change in life circumstances reverts back to what is considered "normal" . . . normal being the perception of what it should be by the person making the changes.

The date of the following post was in October of 2007 and I still don't consider my life as "normal" even though I have moved on and have remarried.  Having said that, many of my goals have been met and I have moved closer to what I have considered normal even though I'm not there yet.

It has taken little changes . . . I call them incremental changes.  Changes so small that you barely feel them happening.  Sometimes that is all we can handle.  As stated in the quote, change cannot happen with leaps.  Leaps lead to overwhelm, feeling like a failure and giving up.

As I look back to the time the post was written, so many changes have taken place, however, the changes were so little at a time that it almost seems impossible that so much progress has been made on my journey to a "normal" life.  

I did try doing the leaps, but they led to me falling down and failing, making the progress move a step backward.

To recap some changes . . . I'm no longer agoraphobic (not able to leave the house),  I'M NOT A HERMIT ANYMORE!, I can drive again, I entered the workplace, I trusted another person to love again . . . enough to marry him.  I can be in a vehicle again as a passenger and not have panic attacks as I did in the beginning, although I still have a problem with it (and still working on it).

This post originally published on 10-5-07

It is turning out to be one of those days that aren't quite so positive.  Memories of when my life was happy and I had someone to share happy times with are haunting me. Now I'm alone in miserable times. Sometimes I wonder why bad things happen to good people. I'm fighting a pity party this morning and I can't go there, so I thought I would write about how I'm feeling.

What is bothering me can't be fixed over night . . . I want what I had before. I miss my husband, I want my life as it was before he died. Why did he have to die? Having to deal with this was the last thing on my list of worries, which is always a very long list since I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and worry about everything.

It isn't the loneliness since I keep myself busy. It is being alone . . . this is the first time in my life that I am alone and I hate it with a passion. Sometimes like this morning, it just gets to me. My mom is on her way over and we are gonna go shopping to keep my mind occupied. It helps momentarily.

I'm not always positive about life, sometimes life just sucks, but I try to deal with it optimistically.

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Love will change us forever . . .

Another post that I'm transferring from an old blog that reminds me that some things don't change . . . I was thinking about how love has changed my life once again . . . and how some things haven't changed.  


Love will and does change us forever . . .  over and over again . . .  good and bad.


Originally posted on  March 4, 2007

How many of us have experienced something in our lives, good or bad, that changes us forever?


The past couple of days I have focused on becoming a widow/widower.

Anyway . . . I had to stop what I was doing and write this blog post. My inner sign that it is time for life's reflections . . . "therapy" time . . . and a visit with my Bloggerville buddies. One thing I have fondly realized is the difference the love and support I have received from my online friends has changed me forever. No longer do I feel alone in my struggle to move on and deal with the abrupt changes in my life . . . angels surround me.

Fate chooses whether these changes are happiness, drama or tragedy. We are somewhat responsible as we contribute to our fate . . . we don't walk out in front of a fast moving train unless we want to die . . . but ultimately, fate's changes are like a game of russian roulette.

Being an extremely spiritual person, I am ashamed to admit that I constantly ask "why me" . . . and go through the phase of being so angry at God that it is difficult to pray and be thankful for anything. That attitude doesn't help anyone and finally I am breaking through this "pity" phase. It is emotionally unhealthy and extremely unproductive.

It does not matter "why me" . . . it is what it is . . . "this is it from now on" . . . and I have had to deal with it.

Being angry at God will not bring my husband back.

It is not a soap opera . . . it is real life, as much as it sometimes sucks.

What I ultimately decided what to do with the tragic changes in my life is be grateful for what I do have, cherish the beautiful memories of the most wonderful marriage and unconditional love anyone could ever experience . . . for 22 years . . . and use those beautiful memories and lessons learned to create another beautiful time in my life.


Nothing will ever be the same again,
but I now see it as an exciting chapter
in my life that is yet to be written . . .

Back to present day . . .

And so I walked that lonely road that led me to love again and once again love has changed me forever in a different way.  One of the ironies of life . . . there is really nothing to fear . . . it is our destiny either way.

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Refuse to be a victim

If you realized how powerful your thoughts are,
you would never think a negative thought.

Peace Pilgrim

"We focus on the negatives, losing ourselves in the ‘problem.’
We point to our unhappy circumstances to rationalize
our negative feelings. This is the easy way out.
It takes, after all, very little effort to feel victimized."

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

We hold the power in our thoughts.

Nothing and no one can make us a victim.
We do it to ourselves when we allow external
circumstances to hold power over us.

Although we have no control over what happens to us,
we ALWAYS have a choice in how we respond.

We hold our power when we accept complete
responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and actions.

"A man may fall many times but he won't be a failure
until he says someone pushed him."

Elmer G. Letterman

"The most potent weapon in the hands
of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed."

Steven Biko

Those of us afflicted with any type of depression can relate to the pity party.

When I look back at some of my parties, they have included a friend or two going through a bad time.  Funny thing about having a pity party with someone else is how we tend to "one up" each other with the problems.  It is a mind game.

Of course I still have them, but my life is finally on the path to where I want to be, so they are less frequent and don't last as long as they once did.  

I continue to work on my reaction to circumstances, seeing them in a positive light rather than totally negative eyes.  It is all perspective and the thoughts are in our control.

My healing really started to kick in at the end of 2008, a couple of months before I met The Captain . . . the following post is from that time.

This post was originally published
on December 8, 2008

I'll admit to my times of wanting to give up and wallow in the depths of a pity party, wailing "woe is me . . . poor me . . . I am a victim" . . . my long time online friends and readers of my blogs have been witness to those pity party posts. Some I left in my blogs to show myself and others how idiotic that behavior is, to measure the progression of my adventurous journey into a "normal" life.

Many of those posts have been buried deep in my blogs, some remain on Yahoo 360, waiting to be brought back to life . . . and they will . . . the entire story needs to be told. I need to go back periodically and see the really bad times so I can appreciate the progress.

It is so easy to sit back and be a victim of life circumstances . . . the difficult part is healing from whatever got you there. In my case, "friends and loved ones" did not agree with my methods and shunned me for being "strange" because I needed to be left alone at certain times, but abandoned me when I needed them. Isn't love, compassion and friendship about understanding a fellow human being's needs when they are hurting?

As a result of compounded emotions, the feeling of betrayal in the midst of dealing with the grief of death, I'm fearful of being myself with anyone who wants to get close to me . . . they will also think that I am "strange" for living this hermit lifestyle that has suited me fine as I healed from a myriad of emotions. It has all been along the path on my life's journey . . . bridges that needed to be crossed, even if they had to be burned once I was on the other side. I continue to have trust issues . . . and the positive aspect is that I have learned to deal with problems on my own.

Although I did not always deal with obstacles as well as I should have, I continued to pick myself up and attempt to move forward in my own way. It is the only way I know . . . one step at a time . . . one moment at a time . . . whatever it takes to get through it maintaining sanity.

All in all, I refuse to be a victim . . . I've never been a loser and will die trying to get myself back to the path of being a normal person again . . . even if I am alone for the rest of my life, I have embraced my solitude which has made me a stronger person. When and if I find that person who will become my significant other . . . that relationship will enhance the contentment in my life.

A couple of months after writing that post in 2008,

the course of the rest of my life changed when

The Captain came into my life.

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Stop Me

An old love from the past had come back into my life.  It was an unresolved issue that haunted me most of my adult life.  He had joined the military and never came back . . . well, not until many years after I became a widow.  We had a second chance for a future together when he came back into my life through Classmates.com after all those years.  

To make a long story short . . . 
I walked away after determining that we were never meant to be.  

Although I was heartbroken, my wise decision brought the closure and resolution to one of the biggest heartaches of my youth.  At the time, I didn't see my decision as one of the greatest blessings of my life.

The irony of life and holding on to hope and faith . . .

One door closes and another opens! 

The Captain came into my life shortly after my decision to just walk away from what I determined was not my destiny and I wrote the following post.  There were no expectations, The Captain and I developed an awesome friendship that eventually turned into love and forever.

I'm grateful that no one tried to STOP ME!

This post was originally  published on 2/24/09

I have always held firmly to the thought
that each one of us can do a little to
bring some portion of misery to an end.

(Albert Schweitzer)

Isn't that the truth?
Don't we sometimes perpetuate our own misery?

I've caught myself midstream into a pity party and have finally been able to pick myself up in the midst of getting to that miserable place. It is an example of what we can learn to do in order to stop that vicious cycle of misery and finally bring it to an end.

Slaying the dragon . . .
it has been one of my biggest demons

In light of recent developments in my life that seems to be another vicious cycle . . . circumstances that make me deliriously happy and feeling as though I'm walking on clouds only to make my ascent from the heavenly clouds abrupt and painful. The disappointments keep happening.

Do I turn off that part of me that thoroughly enjoys expectations of happiness after such a long period of grief and misery? Every time I'm disappointed I go back and readdress expectations in my life. Next time I am going on about how happy I am . . . STOP ME . . . it is like the kiss of death.

Must I turn off that part of me that feels joy because romantic history continues to repeat itself and I always end up more unhappy than before the joy happened? Next time I am going on about feeling joy . . . STOP ME . . . it is like the kiss of death.

I'm learning to forget about great expectations . . . and to me, that is so very sad . . . it is part of the beauty and allure of the quest for love and romance . . . and so much a part of who I am.

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Be Myself Again

At this time in my life, I can look back and see how far I've moved forward.  I've learned that it is good to look back as you are moving forward . . . it answers the question "What I gained, what it'd cost?"

This post is another that looks back at a time of confusing life circumstances.  Looking back makes me realize that I am almost myself again.


Lyrics from Donna Summer ~ Be Myself Again

"'Cause you could spend your life
Lookin' for your own reflection
Time could blur the lines
Between what's real
And what's projected
Had I known what I lost? 
What I gained, what it'd cost
I'd still give what remains
To be myself again"

This post was 

originally published 

on May 28, 2008

Another day has passed and I'm feeling so much better after more thinking and pondering on the following concept. Yes, I think way too much, but it helps me get to the root of what is bothering me.

The featured song "Be Myself Again" from Donna Summer's new release, Crayons, seems like it was written for me at this time in my life.

Often the strongest decisions come out of the worst situations.

It's those bad circumstances that often give the fuel of desire the greatest power.

Unfortunately, with many people, once the desire is born, they continue looking back to justify the desire by pointing out how bad things are - and when they look back, they are not moving forward and focusing upon the way things should be.

Then the inner struggle begins and the fuel of desire loses its power . . . we do it to ourselves.

What actually goes wrong? Not the situation itself . . . it is what is done with it.

You imagine it, dream it, amplify it, look for evidence of it, talk about it, find the feeling place of it, hold yourself in the vibration of it and you keep "it" alive.

The practice is known as the "pity party" or "dwelling in the past", has no value since the lesson should have already been learned. The harder the fall, the more difficult it is to let go . . . why?

Is "the fall" a prize to be held up and adorned like a trophy?

Of course not! Throw it away . . .

Donna Summer | Be Myself Again
Lyrics

Let me introduce myself
I'm a woman that you've never seen
You might know me from somewhere else
As someone that I've never been

I gave everything to play the game
My soul fell apart at the seams
I fell down like a house of cards
When somebody pulled the queen

'Cause you could spend your life
Lookin' for your own reflection
Time could blur the lines
Between what's real
And what's projected
Had I known what I lost? 
What I gained, what it'd cost
I'd still give what remains
To be myself again

You must believe me when I say
Don't live someone else's design
Turn it around like a photograph
The writings been there all the time

Now you can have all
These hopes and dreams
The ones I can't use anymore
I don't know what it is you lost
But I hope you got what you came for

Sometimes I want to leave right now
Sometimes I want to cry out loud
I want to let it all hang out
But I don't want to let you down

Sometimes I want to just lay here
Sometimes I want to disappear
I want to show you all my fear
But I don't want to let you down

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The Journey Within

Soul is present behind every manifestation
 and every experience, awaiting our response.

Reflection

It is primarily through our resistances, difficulties, challenges, problems, illnesses, etc. that we eventually begin to discover what they are for and why they exist. 

Delving deeply enough into the energy behind them leads us to sufficiently overcome some ignorance, selfishness and inertia that we get glimpses of the beautiful soul energy causing them. 

Taking this journey to our essence and to our purpose eventually shifts our conscious identity to the soul that we are. 

Look behind the appearance of something in your life that you have not welcomed or understood and discover more deeply who you really are.

Source: The Soul Journey

Although the journey within is never over, I have reached that place in my life where the fork in the road took me on a new adventure when The Captain entered my life several years ago.  By all means, it has not been a smooth ride. Learning to share your life with another person all over again after being alone for so many years is not easy.

As The Captain and I approach the new journey into marriage, there have been many things going through my thoughts this past week.  Needless to say, I am most grateful for having this wonderful man in my life.

The most dominant thoughts have involved my journey since JR died . . . losing a spouse unexpectedly takes you through unknown territory that is mainly terrorizing.  I was forced to take that long and unhappy journey within whether I was ready to or not, but it was survival.  Are we ever ready for life's challenges and sorrows?

There were times I had to reach deep down inside to find a reason to live . . . my life as I knew it was gone and I was not happy about it . . . my life with JR was happy and content.  I was lost without him and had no direction.  

At times I went into severe panic attacks that would disable me mentally as well as physically.  Grief will do that too . . . but I had to worry about surviving alone while battling the severe depression that had taken a firm grip of me.

So began my journey within . . . it took me way too many years to get to know who I am and what I want from life.  The one thing that has effectively brought me through this journey is blogging and journal honestly about it.  It took one day at a time, sometimes moments at a time . . . asking myself a question at a time, just like a therapist would do.

There were times of pity parties and asking God "why me?" . . . but now I know why I needed that treacherous journey . . . it was necessary to find myself. Otherwise, I would have ended up taking bottles of pills to sleep forever and be done with what felt like a tortured life. Believe me, my thoughts of suicide took on a status of a beautiful fantasy . . . but I was strong enough to not do that to my mom. 

I could not find joy until I finally found myself.

The Captain entered my life at a time when I had already experienced picking myself up and doing what had to be done . . . actually starting to find joy in my life . . . only to fall down and start over again more times than I care to mention.  I was not worthy before that time.

Unless you have been through a treacherous journey, there is no way anyone can relate to the elation of seeing that light peaking through the end of the darkest tunnel you can imagine.  The one thing that kept me going is knowing that the light was there, somewhere, I just had to be patient to find it again.  I clung to my faith in God, often praying and begging to see that light again.  It was shown to me at the time I was ready to see it, not a minute before.  It is the way we learn our life lessons . . . the hard way.

Although I am not yet at my peak of strength, I know that I can get through just about anything.  What I found is a strength within me that for a while was hidden, but there throughout the journey.

One important thing that I learned is bad things happen which can lead to greater joy.  Many of the falls I took involved jobs that were not meant for me and ended up making me feel like a failure . . . even though it was not me who was the failure, but the system itself.  It was not meant to be, but I had to go there . . . it was a part of my journey.

One door closes, another opens . . . you just have to have the courage to walk through the open doors of the unknown.

Peace, love and much happiness to all . . .

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