Relationship Red Flags

We all have our "frying pan moments" . . . some more than others.  No two people get along so perfectly as to never have them.

In my opinion, a great open and honest discussion over issues we don't agree on is healthy.  After all, how else would you really know how that person you are sharing your life with is feeling about issues important to you?  

When the great discussion turns into a full blown frying pan moment, a lack of communication can make the difference and result in not so pleasant consequences, the silent treatment or a routine happy day.  

That brings me to the purpose of this post, which was inspired by an article in Psychology Today on the topic of relationship red flags.  The following list is from that article with some excerpts.

1. Lack of communication . . . be open and honest!
2. Irresponsible, immature, and unpredictable. Some people have trouble mastering basic life skills and may still be working on growing up. In other words, it may be hard to rely on them for almost anything.
3. Lack of trust. 
4. Significant family and friends don’t like your partner. 
5. Controlling behavior. 
6. Feeling insecure in the relationship. You may often feel that you don’t know where you stand in a relationship.  Follow your gut instinct with this one!  A good relationship should not make you have these feelings.
7. A dark or secretive past.
8. Non-resolution of past relationships. 
9. The relationship is built on the need to feel needed. If this dynamic is the focal point of a relationship, however, there may be little room for real growth, individually or as a couple.
10. Abusive behavior. Verbal, emotional, psychological, and certainly physical—is not just a red flag but a huge banner telling you to get out immediately and never look back.

A red flag is a good intuitive image to help you process what you’re really feeling. At the end of a difficult relationship, people often say, “He (or she) told me who he (or she) was at the very beginning, but I just didn’t listen.”

Learn to trust what you feel. Your hunch is probably right.

Click here to read the complete article.

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Too Bad

My friend Marie on Facebook posted the above graphic that was taken different ways by different people. We all have our perspective on abuse. The topic continued to be on my mind since I have lived it in the past and have so much to say about it.

One thing for sure is that females are not the only victims, although that is usually the general perspective. There are some vicious and sick females out there who feel the need to hurt others in different ways.

Abuse is not confined to physical abuse . . . it goes much deeper than that!

It is human nature for some personality types who have the need to hurt others to make themselves feel better.  

In the case of an abusive lover, it is the wearing down of another's emotions to the point of the abused person just wanting to run and never go back.  That is, if they are lucky and come to their senses.  Too bad for the bully since they will more likely than not say that they will change . . . they never do.

Many don't get out of the situation with tragic consequences.  Others go on to take the abuse from the bully out of love or perhaps fear, because the hope that the person will change is always there and they more than likely proceed to a life of unhappiness, depression and crying instead of enjoying a happy life with lots of laughter that we all deserve.

Emotional abuse hurts as bad as being struck physically, over and over again. My dad was an abusive dad. He never hit me, but his emotional abuse left me with the scars that are still with me today.  A child knows what it learns from the people they trust the most because they don't know any better.  

Some of us are caught in the crossfire of falling in love with one of these types or having been born into a family with no escape from that type of person. You just learn how to adapt and eventually come out of it feeling this behavior is normal.

Since it was my unfortunate perception this was normal behavior, my first serious relationship was extremely abusive and I am so grateful and blessed to have gotten out of that relationship.  I hate to even think about that time in my life.

The abuser is the lowest form of a human, in my opinion.

To this day, if someone raises their voice to me, I will cry.  It is instinctive. Although in my personal relationships, it sometimes proves to be a problem, and it is very difficult to get past the moment.  The psychological problems, although apparent, are difficult to deal with.

While some people who go through this type of abuse will come out of it rough and tough, ready to fight anyone who is perceived to hurt them, others retreat and just want to turn the other cheek and forget about it.

It affected me a different way.  After being humiliated, degraded, cursed and made to feel like an idiot who could not ever do anything right, I strived to become the best at anything I ever attempted to do, having to excel at everything.  I was fiercely competitive growing up.  Succeeding in school and in the workplace gave me my self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence that could have been stripped from me had my spirit been completely broken.

Relationships are different.  Any similarity to my dad's behavior freaks me out, making it very difficult for me to develop trust in a relationship.

Know the signs as you enter a new relationship . . . run like a bat out of hell if you see the signs of a bully that will suck the life out of you.

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