My New Normal

 It happens to me every day . . . the memories, the tears and the sadness that doesn't want to go away.  I try to dwell on happy memories, but the sadness still sneaks in.  Profound sadness.  I never wear makeup anymore, it is too messy with the tears.

My doctor asked me if I want to die as a result of the sadness.  No, I don't want to die, but I'm not fearful that I will.  I know where I am going.  And at this point in my life, the number of people close to me still living are less than those who have left me.

Positive thinking doesn't help since that is tricking myself into one thing or another.

I know the grief I am feeling is still fresh and will be with me the rest of my life.  The bad feelings just have to change at least for a little while.  This too shall pass.

read more

Solitude and Being A Hermit

 

I choose to be what so many people describe as being a "hermit."  For now, it is what is a comfortable lifestyle for me as I contemplate the rest of my life . . . again. 

It is important for me and necessary for my healing to write honestly about these past months without going into major details.  I also hope it will help just one person out there going through something.  That is what my blog is about. 

My heart has been broken.  I am grieving the loss of another husband and I've been judged by people who can neither understand nor validate my deepest thoughts, feelings, and concerns during one of the worse times of my life.  My body and soul has been numb and lost.

Lacking compassion for my feelings, they could not be gentle enough when I finally developed trust and honestly open up about everything, breaking something in me over and over again.  

My heart is tired and craves my alone time, the solitude that is my comfort zone from those who deem themselves "normal" and feel so compelled to judge me unfairly, not even trying to understand where I am in life and where I have come from emotionally, what I have been through.  I'm left with the uncomfortable feeling of being accused of having a "victim mentality" when they have no idea of who I am.  

All this has been life changing.

Yes, I now love my solitude and being a hermit.  There are a few people I allow myself to be close with.  These months have given me the time to contemplate what The Captain went through, where I have been and where I am going for the rest of my life.   I'm slowly healing, I can talk about it now and am confronting everything head on, getting stronger every day.  One day at a time, one second at a time.

Believe it or not, the solitude is beginning to make it possible to heal without the judging opinions of insensitive people.  The toxicity is no longer a part of my life, they are not a part of my life, and that makes me happy.  

It will affect the way I perceive those I think about letting into my life in the future.  This is the world we live in.  Insensitivity is no longer a rare thing.

read more

The Power of Awareness

"Ask how you'd live your life differently if you knew you were going to die soon, then ask yourself who those people you admire are and why you admire them, and then ask yourself what was the most fun time in your life. 

The answers to these questions, when seen, heard, and felt, provide us with an open doorway into our mission, our destiny, our purpose."

- David Hawkins, from his book Power Vs. Force. Hawkins is an American psychiatrist, mystic, author and spiritual teacher in Sedona, Arizona.

Asking yourself questions are the stepping stones along your journey, one stepping stone at a time, providing assistance for guidance on your path.


When I tell people that I ask myself questions to learn more about myself, I can almost see them scratching their head in disbelief at what they just heard me say. My technique is to ask the question when I'm behind my computer so I can start writing and take my mind where it wants to go.


In times of high anxiety and I don't know why, I'll ask myself what am I bothered about. It usually brings out those little things that have been bothering me, then I can move toward more questions and working on the problem. The unconscious mind holds so much that we often don't think about, but it is in there . . . festering. Better to get it out in the light!


In some cases, it is like venting to another person and letting things out rather than staying inside and festering. It is much better to keep some thoughts to yourself unless you are looking for feedback from the other person. I just want it out of my thoughts, the writing is like a little box I can put it in and place at the top of the closet until I'm ready to take it down and deal with it.


Back in the day, I would write letters to people I was upset with, but didn't want to confront. I always went through with sending the letter, many times regretting it later. Sometimes just writing the letter is enough . . . it gets thoughts and bad feelings out of your system. Bad idea and a cowardly way to deal with people! I'm happy to say that I have moved past this practice by asking myself the questions and writing about it. Write the letter . . . don't send it!


I can really relate to the quote from David Hawkins and love the questions. It got me to thinking about asking more questions along his theme.


Give yourself the power of awareness, knowing and understanding your feelings and emotions as well as those close to you.

read more

Fate, destiny and being alone

The following post was written at a time of missing JR so bad, feeling so alone, but having the faith that I would find love again, I was ready . . . I could feel my new love and that is so very special . . . a confirmation that you know that you know and have no doubt about your feelings, holding on to all the patience, hope and faith that everything will work out since it is meant to be.  

Fate and destiny.  
With passing time comes better understanding and the knowledge that life without the other will be virtually impossible.
Even though I had to wait another two years, I knew he was out there.  
I could feel his presence in my life way before he appeared. 
Isn't love wonderful?

This post was originally posted
 September 13, 2007

Alone . . . it is how things are meant to be for me at this time and place on my path. Prayers sooth my soul. Patience is what I ask for . . . I know this is where I am supposed to be . . . it doesn't matter how I feel, how anxious I am or how much I "want" . . . what I want doesn't matter.

After much contemplation and prayer, I envision "alone" as sitting on that bench on the beach . . . not a bad thing at all. Two months ago to this date I sat on that very bench gazing into the horizon, the glistening blue water, felt the wind blowing through my hair, with a cup of coffee in my hand, total peace in my head, contentment in my heart . . . I was totally alone and completely happy.

I was one with nature, talking to God, vowing to turn my life over to him to do as he will with the time I have left on this earth. What I was left with is the sound of two lonely hearts beating . . . I know I'm not to be alone much longer.

This is a time of healing, of gathering my thoughts and everything together, like getting ready to entertain and have a party . . . the table must be set, everything must be perfect for him. Time will do that for both of us. He knows I'm here and I know he's there . . . he feels me and I feel him . . . our eyes have not yet met.

Alone . . . this is how it feels to be at a crossroads of life, impatiently frustrated one day, positively anticipating destiny the next . . . and somewhere in between is lunacy, madness . . . a state of limbo and numbness.

I'm getting my life in order and he is doing what he has to do to prepare for me in his life too. Destiny awaits . . . the beat of my lonely heart feels the beat of your heart, I can hear you breathing with a sigh of the wind my love . . . you are so near, yet still so far away . . . but I'll wait as I pray for patience. You were made for me and I'm feeling you.

"And all the wonders made for the earth

And all the hearts in all creation

Another story there to be told"


And we will have our happy song to sing . . .

read more

Rocky Relationships and Negativity

Although it is not a particularly funny subject, we can look back at the emotional battles of any type of relationship and see a certain amount of absurdity and drama that exists when tensions run high and have a good laugh after everyone has cooled off.  

Even the strongest of marriages and/or friendships teeter on the edge of a love/hate relationship at times.  The interaction of people are, in general, very complicated . . . it is human nature.  It is rare for two people to totally agree on everything without disagreements.  The secret is to learn how to deal with each other effectively before the disagreements become real hate and resentment to the point of splitting up.

According to Cherilynn Veland in an article for Psych Central, here are some of the most common reasons for compounded negativity in relationships:

One partner thinks that the way they feel and there way of doing things is the right way. This means they are not open to listening and behaving differently. In this situation, compromise is not a value of one of the members.

Disconnection from the other’s feelings; chaos, manipulation and egocentricity; and sometimes cruelty.

Festering emotional wounds that never get talked about; or when they are, the other person tries to argue away the other person’s emotions.

Unequal partnerships. One person feels like he or she is doing it all. In couples with children, this can understandably lead to MAJOR resentment and anger.

Stress. Big-time breaker of even really good couples. If you don’t manage stress, it will cause difficulties in functioning and difficulties in the relationship.

Big differences on big life issues like: parenting, finances, in-laws.

Debilitating and dysfunctional family of origin issues that emerge and reemerge unaddressed . Issues from one’s original family and attachment relationships can get projected onto the spouse or onto other family relationships, like the kids. This will cause conflict.

Having little respect or not showing respect for your partner.

Being with someone who is narcissistic and has little self-insight.

Now this list is not exhaustive and doesn’t include abusive behavior (including verbal abuse) either.

Believe it or not, she also states that feelings of "hate" are normal in some situations.  However, even the rockiest of relationships can grow as you develop better communication, gradually change behaviors through compromise and learn how to forgive. 

It helps if both parties have lots of love for each other and a strong desire to make it work.

read more

Suppressed emotions

"Our tears are what happens when it rains deep inside our hearts and we cannot hold the rain any longer."

- Philippos

Sometimes we hold little things inside that build up and fester.  No matter what, things just don't seem right.  Those little things can rob our peace and joy for life itself.

When the tears start to flow, someone may ask why you are crying.  You honestly answer that you don't know.  It can be a general discontent for life as it is at the moment, yet still difficult to explain.  It is just there, residing inside like a disease taking over the body and soul.

Unresolved feelings of resentment can reside deep within our subconscious mind without even knowing they are there.  They live with us.  It happens when you sweep something unpleasant under the rug, hoping it will go away.  It never does, even when you forget it is there.

It could be something ugly said or done that hurt your feelings deeply that you have swept under the rug . . . it is still there.

Some people can experience hurt feelings, shrug it off and forget it forever.  For others, it is nearly impossible.

Suppressed emotions and feelings can be so dangerous to our mental health. While it is also dangerous to dwell on these things, they must be dealt with before they reach deep within our subconscious mind to haunt us and come out when we least expect it.

read more

An analysis of "the little white lie"

There may be times when our interests conflict with the interests of the individuals in our environment.

We may not at first recognize these instances, but our tendency to give others due consideration will help us identify potentially hurtful choices. 

We need only give a moment's thought to the consequences of our chosen path before proceeding with our plans to know whether we are on the right track. 

Should we discover that the choices we are primed to make are likely to impact others badly, we can take our efforts in a less damaging direction. 

Your thoughtfulness will ensure you do not hurt the people around you today as you will negate conflict before it escalates.

Source: Daily OM

Where does intuition and history fall into the mix?

What if the fork in the road was the wrong one as of the result of a little white lie?

What if the facts in the matter are not what you believed them to be?

What if it was mystification to propagate beliefs that are not true, or not the whole truth as in half-truths or omission.  

Sometimes the "little white lies" are not intended to be deceitful or malicious and in fact, the intentions are actually the best of intentions.

A tiny "white lie" may not be of much significance to one person, while to the other person, it is everything.  It all depends on each of the individual's perspective.

Just some wandering thoughts of a pondering mind . . .

read more

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger?

Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape. --Charles Dickens

WOW, that quote speaks volumes to me and reminds me of another quote . . . "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Yes, I am stronger than before I had to deal with the death of my spouse . . . I'm still standing after taking one fall after another.  One learns how to get back up, however, I'm not sure if I have been bent and broken into a better shape.  

Sometimes I wonder about being "stronger" since I am haunted with worry that it will happen all over again while fiercely trying to fight those feelings and adopt the philosophy of living for today and don't worry about the future. 

When I fell in love with The Captain, I thought my heart would be what it used to be, but it had experienced the devastating pain of losing a spouse.  He's gone through several surgeries since we have been together and the feelings come flooding back with a vengeance.  I've wondered if other widows go through the same feelings after finding love again and this is just a "normal" phase of the grief process.  

The fear of another loss . . . I've perfected the act of suffering and live with the hope that I will learn the lesson that life goes on no matter what or how much we worry about whatever the worry is about.

Sometimes I wonder if what doesn't kill you makes you weaker?

read more

Compassionate Conduct

You may be highly attentive to the needs of others today and thoughtful in your personal and professional relations. Strong feelings of compassion can lead you to be more considerate of the feelings of everyone you encounter. This empathetic awareness can manifest itself in your attitude and the tone of your voice, causing you to speak more gently and act more kindly. You may find that you have more patience than usual and are comfortable helping people who are in need in the various spheres of your life. As you make decisions pertaining to your future today, you will likely feel compelled to consider how your choices will affect your not only your family and friends but also your colleagues and the individuals you encounter on a day-to-day basis.

The compassion you feel can inspire you to become a kinder and more considerate individual. A harsh manner is often the result of simple thoughtlessness—we may carelessly pursue our own ends when we have not thought about those who will be affected by our decisions. When you are mindful of how the people in your life feel and conscious of how your actions contribute to their well-being, your demeanor will become more gentle. You’ll be more apt to express yourself calmly and considerately and to lend aid to all in need of your assistance. Your willingness to treat others’ concerns with the same seriousness you treat your own will demonstrate your thoughtfulness. When you allow your compassion free expression today, you will be mindful of how your words and deeds help or hinder others.

Source: The Daily OM

The above excerpt is an old horoscope

from Daily Om that can be for anyone

on any day.

Patience (or impatience) and compassion work hand in hand in the way we come across to someone else.  The choice of words used can either cut like a knife, especially if thrown around with harsh thoughtlessness or demonstrate loving concern if presented with compassion and patience.  Sometimes the same words used with a different tone or inflection make the difference between night and day as far as how we are perceived.

They are only words, as portrayed in the song, Words | The Bee Gees, but how we present them can bring everlasting smiles that will steal someone's heart or words you can't take back which leave an impression that makes another want to run away and never come back.

Love is caring about the feelings of the other person.

Choosing the behavior of compassionate

 conduct is always the best practice!

Lyrics

Words | The Bee Gees

Smile an everlasting smile
A smile could bring you near to me
Don't ever let me find you gone
'Cause that would bring a tear to me
This world has lost it's glory
Let's start a brand new story
Now my love right now there'll be
No other time and I can show you
How my love
Talk in everlasting words
And dedicate them all to me
And I will give you all my life
I'm here if you should call to me
You think that I don't even mean
A single word I say
It's only words, and words are all
I have to take your heart away
You think that I don't even mean
A single word I say
It's only words, and words are all
I have to take your heart away
It's only words, and words are all
I have to take your heart away

read more

Be Myself Again

At this time in my life, I can look back and see how far I've moved forward.  I've learned that it is good to look back as you are moving forward . . . it answers the question "What I gained, what it'd cost?"

This post is another that looks back at a time of confusing life circumstances.  Looking back makes me realize that I am almost myself again.


Lyrics from Donna Summer ~ Be Myself Again

"'Cause you could spend your life
Lookin' for your own reflection
Time could blur the lines
Between what's real
And what's projected
Had I known what I lost? 
What I gained, what it'd cost
I'd still give what remains
To be myself again"

This post was 

originally published 

on May 28, 2008

Another day has passed and I'm feeling so much better after more thinking and pondering on the following concept. Yes, I think way too much, but it helps me get to the root of what is bothering me.

The featured song "Be Myself Again" from Donna Summer's new release, Crayons, seems like it was written for me at this time in my life.

Often the strongest decisions come out of the worst situations.

It's those bad circumstances that often give the fuel of desire the greatest power.

Unfortunately, with many people, once the desire is born, they continue looking back to justify the desire by pointing out how bad things are - and when they look back, they are not moving forward and focusing upon the way things should be.

Then the inner struggle begins and the fuel of desire loses its power . . . we do it to ourselves.

What actually goes wrong? Not the situation itself . . . it is what is done with it.

You imagine it, dream it, amplify it, look for evidence of it, talk about it, find the feeling place of it, hold yourself in the vibration of it and you keep "it" alive.

The practice is known as the "pity party" or "dwelling in the past", has no value since the lesson should have already been learned. The harder the fall, the more difficult it is to let go . . . why?

Is "the fall" a prize to be held up and adorned like a trophy?

Of course not! Throw it away . . .

Donna Summer | Be Myself Again
Lyrics

Let me introduce myself
I'm a woman that you've never seen
You might know me from somewhere else
As someone that I've never been

I gave everything to play the game
My soul fell apart at the seams
I fell down like a house of cards
When somebody pulled the queen

'Cause you could spend your life
Lookin' for your own reflection
Time could blur the lines
Between what's real
And what's projected
Had I known what I lost? 
What I gained, what it'd cost
I'd still give what remains
To be myself again

You must believe me when I say
Don't live someone else's design
Turn it around like a photograph
The writings been there all the time

Now you can have all
These hopes and dreams
The ones I can't use anymore
I don't know what it is you lost
But I hope you got what you came for

Sometimes I want to leave right now
Sometimes I want to cry out loud
I want to let it all hang out
But I don't want to let you down

Sometimes I want to just lay here
Sometimes I want to disappear
I want to show you all my fear
But I don't want to let you down

read more

Inside out

There are grateful phases I go through lately that find me so happy I could burst, although I still haven't found my true purpose in life.  In these times, I give God all the glory for taking me through those bad times in my past . . . I had to go through them to arrive at where I am today.  They were stepping stones to my future.

The following post is from one of those bad times.  It occurs to me that this was my "normal" . . . a time of healing, acceptance of where I was in life, feeling "inside out" and lost in time.

This post was originally published on May 31, 2008

It has been one of those nights where it is difficult to concentrate and work although I have a ton of stuff to do. After all this time I know better than to try to force my brain to think and be productive, so I allowed my mind to wander through my email box that is overflowing and do some inspirational reading.

Seems like I always find the right words to complete my thoughts and the emotions that I'm feeling at the right time. I'm feeling so down tonight. Disappointment has reared its ugly head and really bothered me, along with a family situation that really has no resolution. And it also could be I'm spending too much time behind the computer getting my online stuff ready before I make a commitment to another "real" job.

As time heads into the wee hours of the morning, treading on Vamparella territory, I realize that I have succeeded in going back to my old ways before I started working. Drifting in time with no schedule and no discipline . . . just lots of hours behind the computer.

My restless mind tormenting me won't let me settle down long enough to concentrate and focus on writing either. I'm ready to hibernate back to the cave and not come back out until the end of summer. People keep hurting me and I let them . . . I'm inside out.

I found this inspiration writing tonight which made me feel somewhat better . . .

Don't give up

When it hurts so bad, call on Him (God), take a deep breath, and let it out.

I know you're hurting and confused, and you just don't know what to do. You're walking around wondering why your life has been turned inside out. You're trying to figure out why you have to go through all of this hurt and pain. Some things will never be explained.

I know you trusted him and your sister/friend to be there through the good and the bad. When all hell broke out, they were the last people to show you that they cared. That's why God said to put your trust in Him, not man.

The storm won't last forever. Trust me, I've been there before. All you have to do is call on Him (God) and ask Him to help you through it. He loves you, and unlike people, He will never leave or forsake you. You don't have to be ashamed of your past. God forgives and forgets.

Stop allowing the enemy to come into your mind and tell you all of the bad things you've done and said, and how no one cares if you are dead or alive. The devil is a liar!

God has a purpose and a plan for your life. You have to surrender your all to God, and ask Him to be the head of your life. Tell God you need Him to lead and guide you. Ask Him to remove anyone and anything that comes to hinder your walk with Him, and to give you the strength to endure whatever may come your way.

Don't you dare give up!
You have a purpose in life!!!

The key to my being normal again is finding my purpose in this life and it can't be a person. People keep disappointing me. The quality of my life is at zero. I have not been right since JR died and I lost my purpose . . . I can't let that happen to me again. Ironic how I found the right person for me who never disappointed me and God took him from me. God forgive me, I can't stop asking why . . .

I'm so blessed to have gone through that time so I can appreciate what my life is like today.  Heaven sent me another angel . . .

read more

Healing Wounds

Wounds cannot be cured without searching.

Francis Bacon

The culprits that cause emotional wounds are much the same the world over. Loss, neglect, abuse and rejection leave scars on the human heart, and the earlier these traumas happen in life, the deeper they are inflicted.

Recovery is to search for the wounds and buried feelings surrounding them and bring them into the open. We will feel pain, but it is healing pain. With self-nurturing, support from others and the help of a healing power greater than ourselves, our wounds will slowly mend.

It is never too late to begin our search.

~ Niki Turner ~

read more

Contradictions in life

I must learn to love the fool in me,

the one who feels too much,

talks too much,

takes too many chances,

wins sometimes and loses often,

lacks self-control,

loves and hates,

hurts and gets hurt,

promises and breaks promises,

laughs and cries.

(Theodore Isaac Rubin)

Aren't we all a contradiction of ourselves
at different times of our lives?

Self-acceptance of who we are, no matter what . . .
because it is who we are, no matter what.

There will always be a time here and there when
we are "not ourselves" . . . for one reason or
another. It is human nature.

None of us are perfect!

The above quote says it all . . . we must love
ourselves even when we do or say stupid stuff.

Does it make it all go away by inflicting
self-hatred on ourselves?

Of course not!

It is ok to be true to yourself . . .

read more

Learning detachment

Watching the stream of our emotions helps us become less attached to their effects on us. We can become overwhelmed by our feelings when we feel despondent. If we learn to let our feelings glide by us, however, we realize that our feelings are never permanent. While they may seem important at the time, they do not define our lives. We may even begin to notice that sadness often is a signal for us to take a rest from the outside world and find peace within ourselves. Learning to see the changing nature of your feelings today will give you the means to cope with any uncomfortable situation that arises.

Source: The Daily Om

read more

Peace and the irritation of challenges

There is an opportunity in every challenge to find something positive rather than expend energy being irritated and annoyed. It is said that a pearl is an irritation of the oyster. There is a treasure hidden in all things, good and bad.

Emotional reactions and moods can heighten and fluctuate. Since I have an exceptionally short fuse that has been typically easy to set off, I have to be especially careful to learn how to control my temper in times of frustration and life challenges. It is much easier to take a deep breath and calm down rather than have to fix hurt feelings and situations because of emotionally reacting way too quickly.

Since inserting foot in mouth way too often, the practice of calming down and thinking before reacting has quickly become my best friend as I approach my life through peace and harmony.  It isn't easy!

read more