There are grateful phases I go through lately that find me so happy I could burst, although I still haven't found my true purpose in life. In these times, I give God all the glory for taking me through those bad times in my past . . . I had to go through them to arrive at where I am today. They were stepping stones to my future.
The following post is from one of those bad times. It occurs to me that this was my "normal" . . . a time of healing, acceptance of where I was in life, feeling "inside out" and lost in time.
This post was originally published on May 31, 2008
It has been one of those nights where it is difficult to concentrate and work although I have a ton of stuff to do. After all this time I know better than to try to force my brain to think and be productive, so I allowed my mind to wander through my email box that is overflowing and do some inspirational reading.
Seems like I always find the right words to complete my thoughts and the emotions that I'm feeling at the right time. I'm feeling so down tonight. Disappointment has reared its ugly head and really bothered me, along with a family situation that really has no resolution. And it also could be I'm spending too much time behind the computer getting my online stuff ready before I make a commitment to another "real" job.
As time heads into the wee hours of the morning, treading on Vamparella territory, I realize that I have succeeded in going back to my old ways before I started working. Drifting in time with no schedule and no discipline . . . just lots of hours behind the computer.
My restless mind tormenting me won't let me settle down long enough to concentrate and focus on writing either. I'm ready to hibernate back to the cave and not come back out until the end of summer. People keep hurting me and I let them . . . I'm inside out.
I found this inspiration writing tonight which made me feel somewhat better . . .
Don't give up
When it hurts so bad, call on Him (God), take a deep breath, and let it out.
I know you're hurting and confused, and you just don't know what to do. You're walking around wondering why your life has been turned inside out. You're trying to figure out why you have to go through all of this hurt and pain. Some things will never be explained.
I know you trusted him and your sister/friend to be there through the good and the bad. When all hell broke out, they were the last people to show you that they cared. That's why God said to put your trust in Him, not man.
The storm won't last forever. Trust me, I've been there before. All you have to do is call on Him (God) and ask Him to help you through it. He loves you, and unlike people, He will never leave or forsake you. You don't have to be ashamed of your past. God forgives and forgets.
Stop allowing the enemy to come into your mind and tell you all of the bad things you've done and said, and how no one cares if you are dead or alive. The devil is a liar!
God has a purpose and a plan for your life. You have to surrender your all to God, and ask Him to be the head of your life. Tell God you need Him to lead and guide you. Ask Him to remove anyone and anything that comes to hinder your walk with Him, and to give you the strength to endure whatever may come your way.
Don't you dare give up!
You have a purpose in life!!!
The key to my being normal again is finding my purpose in this life and it can't be a person. People keep disappointing me. The quality of my life is at zero. I have not been right since JR died and I lost my purpose . . . I can't let that happen to me again. Ironic how I found the right person for me who never disappointed me and God took him from me. God forgive me, I can't stop asking why . . .You have a purpose in life!!!
I'm so blessed to have gone through that time so I can appreciate what my life is like today. Heaven sent me another angel . . .
