Loud Silence

 

It has been a weird time.  Yes, the silence is loud.  Sometimes it is hard to breathe.  I need to write and let this out, but I really don't know what to say.  I'm enjoying being alone in my silence, but it would be great if he was here with me.  Only him.  God knows how much I miss him.

It was so good to finally see my family again after all these months, I missed them so much.  However, words have been difficult to find and conversation is so difficult right now.  The Captain and I were rarely without words.  He is the only one I want to talk to, but I never will again.

Yes, it is a difficult time, but this too shall pass.

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Don't give up now

 

But really, do I have a choice?

I guess it was his birthday, a trigger day that started me on the roller coaster again.  Just when I was starting to feel better.

I'm so tired of feeling better only to slip back into this funky phase of grief.  The good thing is I have writing about it to help me get through the awful moments.

If it seems like I am ready to give up going on with my life and having a normal life again, the answer is hell no, I will never give up.  I got through losing JR and I will get through losing The Captain.  He taught me that life does go on . . . he made it possible for me to do so.  It isn't easy, but life isn't easy.

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Make Change and Disappointment Work For You

Change is always happening, so make sure it works for you.

Disappointment is no welcome change.  It is defined as sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hope or expectations.  

Life changes can't be avoided and they do not always bring joy.  However, see it as an opportunity for growth.  Don't resist the unfortunate circumstance, learn from it and move on.  

Dwelling on the disappointment won't make it go away, it just prolongs the healing from the hurt it caused.  Never forget that how we respond is totally under our control.

I recently wrote another post on change and how we should celebrate it, good or bad.  Be flexible, practice gratitude and unpleasant changes will not interfere with good mental health.

I'm still experiencing grief and have long acknowledged that it will have lasting implications in my life.  Changes in my life circumstances will also change those lasting implications positively if I let them and that is what I choose to do.

Learn from your life changes and disappointment!

Disappointments can be a positive thing.

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Celebrating with gratitude

 

Make a habit out of celebrating the small moments in healing, gratitude, and growth.

Alex Elle

Anytime a change occurs, even if it is a painful change that hurts, the change should be celebrated as growth with much gratitude.  Emotions heal and ultimately, the change was for the best.

Unwelcome painful change happens for a good reason and we should celebrate it as a powerful growth incident.

Not everything our heart desires is the thing that is meant to be and may be quite the opposite.  As a blessing/curse situation.

As a Christian, I believe everything happens for a reason.  Even the bad situation happens to teach us a lesson or make a point we have needed to pay attention to.  

Either way, celebrate and thank God, because it is all good.

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Let me fall

"Let me fall if I must. 

The one I will become will catch me."

Baal Shem Tov

I love that quote!
Falling down has been a recurring theme on my blog since I have been through it so many times since JR passed away.  In my case, the one I will become is the part of me that picks myself back up after I have fallen down.  It is a rare occasion that I can catch myself before falling down.
I've reached the place where I embrace falling down since there is always a lesson in the experience. 
The experience itself is part of becoming the one I will become because of the lesson.
If I don't allow myself to fall down when life becomes difficult, the opportunity to analyze the situation and reassess my direction would not happen.  Healing would probably never happen.
Let me fall, but learn to analyze and pick myself back up quickly.

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Change a situation or change ourselves?

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, 

we are challenged to change ourselves."

Viktor Frankl

Don't you sometimes wish you had a magic wand to change the situation you find yourself in?  If only . . . it would be a great selling item on eBay for sure!

We moved back home after being away due to Hurricane Irma dropping a tree on our house and drastically changing our lives.  I couldn't believe my eyes when I first walked in to find mud that has been drying for a year everywhere.  Part of the ceiling is missing in the kitchen.  No matter how much trash we pick up, the piles don't seem to get smaller.

The situation is not going to change.  We are going to change the situation by taking one step at a time, one day at a time, one moment at a time.  No matter how long it takes, we must carry on and persist in making our house a home again.  First we had to accept what happened and come up with a plan.

Yes, it is so depressing!  But when I feel myself starting to fall down and want to give up, I pray for strength and perseverance . . . and if I really need it, I rest in stillness to get myself together again.  Then I can pick myself up and carry on.

Things happen in life, but we can't allow those things to destroy us.

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Trouble creates a capacity to handle it…meet it as a friend, for you’ll see a lot of it and had better be on speaking terms with it.

OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES

Trouble is no friend of mine!  That gator has been the closest to a friend that I've seen.  He's hungry and snapping at me constantly.  There are no speaking terms between us . . . he doesn't listen when I tell him to just go away.

The quote implies that the more trouble you encounter, you become somewhat immune to it, like a normal occurrence.

The more trouble, the more you can put up with it?

Noooooooooooooooo!  Trouble will never be my friend.  At this moment in time, my tolerance level is saturated and can't take any more trouble and/or bad news.

Today I'm thinking positive.  The last bit of work needed to pass the home inspection for insurance is being dealt with today.  The first guy who came out was outrageously expensive and a total scam artist.  But I'm still being positive that one of the three plumbers left to give us a quote is honest.  We don't mind paying a reasonable price for a job that needs to be done.

So, with that thought in mind, I am headed for the outdoors to unwind and enjoy nature.  Nature is my friend!

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Bitterness and Anger

"When we acknowledge that it is okay to feel bitter, we reconnect with our hurt in a constructive way and can begin the process of working through it."

An excerpt from an article on The Daily Om entitled "Bitterness" . . . the article follows this post.  Visit their website for awesome life insight!

The article on bitterness really hit home for me.  The Captain and I are still living at my mom's house since Hurricane Irma dropped a tree on our now uninhabitable home.

Our patience with government assistance, bureaucracy and endless red tape has worn extremely thin.  Although we were finally approved for SBA disaster assistance, they made a mistake and just when we thought the money would be in the bank within days, the phone call came informing us of a mistake they made which would prolong the process another two months.   

So we continue to wait . . . at least we were able to get the tree off the house with FEMA assistance.  However, cracked rafters make it unsafe to be under that roof that could collapse at any time.  I have not been back home since the hurricane.

Before I go further into this post, I want to mention how grateful I am for my mom, who is putting up with our little quirks and a major disruption in her life.

I'm so grateful for the assistance we have received from FEMA and the SBA.  What would we have done without them?  

Aside from being so thankful and grateful for our many blessings, I have crept into the clutches of bitterness and anger.  I just want to go home!  Every time we think it is almost over, we run into another obstacle.  It has been unbelievable!

The disasters of last summer with the unusual hurricane devastation way beyond normal left the government with more than they could handle.  There are many other families still forced out of their homes after almost six months of experiencing the reality of becoming homeless.  Puerto Rico is still enduring the devastating situation as if it happened yesterday with no end in sight.  No matter how temporary the situation is, maintaining long term patience and a good attitude is almost impossible.  Bitterness is inevitable for even the most normal person.

There are times that bitterness and anger are necessary to keep going.  Human nature is to wonder "why me" and it is emotionally healthy to let yourself experience the horrible feelings in order to deal with it.  It doesn't help to sweep anything unpleasant under the rug like it doesn't exist.

The Captain and I are just taking one day at a time with as much optimism we can collect to carry to another day.  We know that this too shall pass . . .

Bitterness

BY MADISYN TAYLOR Bitter feelings allow us to become perfect victims, in that we no longer feel obliged to work toward healing. It is natural to feel resentment or anger when life does not unfold as expected. We consciously or unconsciously anticipated one experience, and we grieve for the loss of it when the universe puts something else in our path. Most of the time, we work through these feelings and they pass. Occasionally, our anger and resentment do not fade and are instead transformed into bitterness. Bitter feelings allow us to become perfect victims in that we no longer feel obliged to work toward healing and choose instead to identify with our pain. Yet as unwholesome as bitterness can be, it is also a natural element of our emotional palette. When we acknowledge that it is okay to feel bitter, we reconnect with our hurt in a constructive way and can begin the process of working through it. The nature of bitterness is rooted in the fact that the pain we feel provides us with a rationale. We may feel that we deserve to embrace our bitterness to its full extent. And to be bitter is, in essence, to cut ourselves off from all that is positive, hardening our hearts and vowing never to let go of our hurt. But just as bitter feelings can be self-defeating, so too can the release of bitterness be life-affirming in a way that few other emotional experiences are. When we decide that we no longer want to be bitter, we are reborn into a world filled with delight and fulfillment unlike any we knew while in the clutches of bitterness. The veil it cast over our lives is lifted, letting light and warmth touch our souls. Divesting yourself of bitter feelings can be as simple as truly forgiving and moving on. Even when your bitterness has no concrete object, you can forgive situations too. Healing pain can be challenging but may be easier if you remind yourself that you are the only entity truly affected by your emotional state. In time, you will discover that letting go of your bitterness frees you to initiate the healing process and allows you to once again celebrate the possibility of the more wonderful life you deserve. Source:  The Daily Om . . . one of my favorite websites!

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Holidays and Difficult Times

The holidays alone can bring on difficult times for so many in this world for many reasons.  I found an excellent article entitled "Difficult Times" that describes it perfectly.  It is posted further on this post, along with a link to the awesome website it comes from.

Holiday difficult times have struck me for more than just one year.  I wrote about one period of time following the death of my first husband JR.  He passed on in October, when it seems like the holiday can't wait to descend upon us.  The first year was almost unbearable . . . I just wanted to die myself.  Click here for that post, Sentimental Lady.

This year finds me with new life circumstances . . . a tree that is still crushing my house thanks to Hurricane Irma. 

Although I have tried to maintain a positive attitude as time creeps by with FEMA taking their sweet time looking over our appeal since they denied us financial help back in October, it becomes more difficult by the day.  

Not being able to go back home since September and not knowing if FEMA is going to accept our appeal for assistance is taking its emotional toll on me no matter how strong I try to be. 

My crushing house and the resulting life circumstances, along with memories of my old life and the grief associated with loved ones who are gone and missed have ushered in another dreaded holiday.  

Of course I am truly grateful for everything I have been blessed with, but there are those difficult holiday times where I am just downright depressed and have a difficult time pulling myself out of it.

This too shall pass . . . thank you for your prayers!

  

I am sharing this quote from a Facebook friend's wall . . .

"This is a difficult time of year for many who struggle with depression. The toughest time of the year for depression tends to be around the Holidays. Please be aware of those around you. Say an extra prayer, touch an extra hand, smile an extra smile. You are the difference! Please take the time to put this on your wall to help raise awareness of, and for those who have mental health difficulties." 

The following is an awesome post I found that fits perfectly with my post . . .

Difficult Times

BY MADISYN TAYLOR We can also benefit from times of constriction and difficult to help us grow and learn. It can be very challenging to maintain a positive attitude and a measure of faith when you are in the midst of difficult times. This is partly because we tend to think that if the universe loves us we will experience that love in the form of positive circumstances. However, we are like children, and the universe is our wise mother who knows what our souls need to thrive better than we do. Just as a young child does not benefit from getting everything she wants, we also benefit from times of constriction and difficulty to help us grow and learn. If we keep this in mind, and continue to trust that we are loved even when things are hard, it helps us bear the difficult time with grace. This period of time in history is full of difficulty for a lot of human beings, and you may feel less alone knowing you are not being singled out. There are extreme energy changes pulsing through the universe at every level and, of course, we are all part of the growing process and the growing pains. It helps if we remember that life is one phase after another and that this difficult time will inevitably give way to something new and different. When we feel overwhelmed we can comfort ourselves with the wise saying: This too shall pass. At the same time, if you truly feel that nothing is going right for you, it's never a bad idea to examine your life and see if there are some changes you can make to alleviate some of the difficulty. Gently and compassionately exploring the areas giving you the most trouble may reveal things you are holding onto and need to release: unprocessed emotions, unresolved transitions, or negative ways of looking at yourself or reality. As you take responsibility for the things you can change, you can more easily surrender to the things you can't, remembering all the while that this phase will, without doubt, give way to another.

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Approach to gratefulness

Our approach to gratefulness has to be big enough to embrace all the difficulties of the world.

Br. David Steindl-Rast Natural disasters bring all types of damage.  It seems like the severity of damage is a roll of the dice.  Degrees of sacrifice range from modest to extreme. In the scope of Hurricane Irma hitting the Florida Keys with Category 5 force that left extreme devastation as far as the eye can see, I am so grateful for what seems like such minor damage we received from Category 1 force winds, even though after almost two months, we still can't live in our house. That is the approach to gratefulness we have chosen in the situation we find ourselves in. While I am angry that a huge tree limb covers the back side of our roof, making it impossible to assess the complete damage after all this time, I am grateful that there is a chance FEMA will help us rebuild, even though they turned us down the first time, prolonging the process, the agony and worsening the damage to our home.  Our appeal is being processed and it could take up to 90 days before we know if we are receiving financial help or not. We have no other choice than to exercise faith and patience.  The alternative is total insanity, which I teeter off the edge of.  It feels like time has stood still for us. Nevertheless, our approach has been one of total gratefulness, which has made everything much more tolerable despite emotional living conditions thrown at us that are best explained as manic.  Enough said about that . . . it has been one of the most difficult times of my life! With The Captain by my side, I have made it with my sanity intact thus far and for that I am so grateful!

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Destiny and options

"When you remember that you have many options, 

you will remember that you are in charge of your life."

The Daily Om

Knowing that YOU have control of the choices you make in your life helps to focus on solving those challenges we face.  The lack of that understanding contributes to feeling anxiety as it relates to your future.

Letting go of those worries with optimistic thoughts will use your energy to move forward rather than standing still and not meeting the challenge.

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Nature's Peace

"But much of what we truly need can only be found under the naked sky, alongside tall trees, on open plains, or in the sound of running water.

When you step out of your door each morning, pause for a minute and close your eyes long enough to let your senses absorb your surroundings. Listen and breathe deeply, until you hear the wind rustling through branches, smell rain on damp grass, and see the reflection of leaves brushing up against windowpanes.  

Taking a walk under the stars or feeling the wind on your face may be all it takes for you to reconnect with nature. Remember, you are as much a part of nature as are the leaves on a tree or water bubbling in a brook." 

Source: DailyOM

Through the years I have learned to appreciate nature's peace as time has passed.  

Job stress drove me to retire unusually early from a career that I truly loved, but the stress of office politics got the best of me in the end.

As I gained an appreciation for nature's peace, I built up an intolerance for office politics. I'm the type of person who would rather walk away over having to deal with unpleasantness.  It is something that I'd rather not deal with.  Life is way too short!

However, there were times when it was necessary to just bite my tongue, turn the other cheek and ignore what was happening around me, no matter how unpleasant it was.  It was also in those days when I still had patience with faith and hope in people.

The utilization of breaks and lunch hours outdoors kept me going in many jobs that were unpleasant since the place of employment happened to be situated in a very peaceful outdoor setting where I could escape for just a little while.  It made it tolerable.

One of my last jobs left me so burned out that it affected me emotionally.  That is when I turned to a psychologist for help.  After a while, it occurred to me that I could heal myself in my way.  

I turned to nature.  My back yard became my paradise, a sanctuary where I could escape, established my goal to make it a beautiful place of serenity and enjoy the gifts that God gave us in nature.  

Those changes made all the difference in my life.  They were the happiest years of my first marriage, which was a blessing since he passed away at such a young age.  But I had the peace of mind that I made the last years of his life so happy.

Simple things in life became priceless and for the most part, I wanted no part of those things that cost money and cluttered my house. Money took a back seat in my life as the lifestyle of Simple Abundance took over.  

And it all started with nature's peace . . . God's gift to all of us!

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Defeating the Doubt

Life is a journey.  We will encounter winding roads, rocky roads and forks in the road.  They are all phases we need to push through to another stepping stone on our journey.  Along the journey, one of the biggest challenges we will encounter is doubt.

Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt ~ William Shakespeare

When doubt creeps in, it is important to realize whether the doubt is a good thing and your intuition is stopping you from making the wrong choice or the traitor who brings on the fear to keep us from progressing.

Fear of failure is a strong fear that will keep you stuck in place for fear of moving on to the unknown.  Fear of success will also keep you stuck in place for fear of what that success means and how it will change your life.

Isn't it sometimes easier to deal with the known misery like an trusted old friend rather than move on with the unknown change that is like dealing with a stranger you must learn to trust?

That is when it is necessary to take a look back and access the journey, making note of those times you met the challenge, moved on to the next stage and the next and the next.  They were probably little steps. 

Remember how awesome it felt to reach the next stage?

Imagine how the next victory phase of success will change your life in positive ways.  Think of the little steps it will take to get there, not the whole phase of your journey.

Overwhelm can take over, put a stop to forward progress and possibly set you back a step or two.  It usually happens when we try to absorb the whole phase instead of a tiny part of it.

It is so important to continually access your progress and be proud of it, know that you can do it, rather than let doubt creep in and stop you in your tracks.

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Rocky Relationships and Negativity

Although it is not a particularly funny subject, we can look back at the emotional battles of any type of relationship and see a certain amount of absurdity and drama that exists when tensions run high and have a good laugh after everyone has cooled off.  

Even the strongest of marriages and/or friendships teeter on the edge of a love/hate relationship at times.  The interaction of people are, in general, very complicated . . . it is human nature.  It is rare for two people to totally agree on everything without disagreements.  The secret is to learn how to deal with each other effectively before the disagreements become real hate and resentment to the point of splitting up.

According to Cherilynn Veland in an article for Psych Central, here are some of the most common reasons for compounded negativity in relationships:

One partner thinks that the way they feel and there way of doing things is the right way. This means they are not open to listening and behaving differently. In this situation, compromise is not a value of one of the members.

Disconnection from the other’s feelings; chaos, manipulation and egocentricity; and sometimes cruelty.

Festering emotional wounds that never get talked about; or when they are, the other person tries to argue away the other person’s emotions.

Unequal partnerships. One person feels like he or she is doing it all. In couples with children, this can understandably lead to MAJOR resentment and anger.

Stress. Big-time breaker of even really good couples. If you don’t manage stress, it will cause difficulties in functioning and difficulties in the relationship.

Big differences on big life issues like: parenting, finances, in-laws.

Debilitating and dysfunctional family of origin issues that emerge and reemerge unaddressed . Issues from one’s original family and attachment relationships can get projected onto the spouse or onto other family relationships, like the kids. This will cause conflict.

Having little respect or not showing respect for your partner.

Being with someone who is narcissistic and has little self-insight.

Now this list is not exhaustive and doesn’t include abusive behavior (including verbal abuse) either.

Believe it or not, she also states that feelings of "hate" are normal in some situations.  However, even the rockiest of relationships can grow as you develop better communication, gradually change behaviors through compromise and learn how to forgive. 

It helps if both parties have lots of love for each other and a strong desire to make it work.

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No promises

I try to remind myself that we are never promised anything, and that what control we can exert is not over the events that befall us but how we address ourselves to them.

Jeanne DuPrau

The Earth House

Being grateful for what we have been blessed with is not easy when life circumstances presents you with challenges.  

Part of it is the optimist/pessimist thing for each of us that is just human nature and who we are as individuals.

It seems like the key is simply keeping our state of mind in control of the circumstances while being realistic and responsible.  Acting like the situation does not exist could compound bad circumstances by not being responsible.

It is a delicate balance . . . such is life!

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Moving through the darkness

"We can take our inspiration from any fairy tale that finds its central character lost in a dark wood, frightened and alone. We know that the journey through the wood provides its own kind of beauty and richness. On the other side, we will emerge transformed, lighter and brighter, braver and more confident for having moved through that darkness.

This is just life’s way of taking us to a place we need to go for reasons that go deeper than our own ability to reason. These hard knocks and trials are designed to shed light on our unconscious workings and deepen our experience of reality."

Source:  Daily Om 

We are apparently living in lala land and these "hard knocks" are designed to deepen our experience of reality?  That was my thought after reading today's quotes from the Daily Om.

Actually, it all feels like the movie "Groundhog Day."  Seriously.

The theme of our year has been "readdressing old issues over and over again" . . . and it seems as if we are moving through the darkness, going in circles which lead to nowhere.

Very frustrating!

In the past week, we have had to deal with health problems, car problems, home repair problems persist and nothing has changed.  Oh please, I will spare you the details of these things that don't want to go away!

I'm having faith that all of these irritating life situations are building my character into a stronger, better person and I'll ultimately become fearless and worry-free . . . a contradiction of my own life.  It could be the lesson that the good Lord is blessing me with.  

We all run into all types of contradictions through the course of life's lessons.

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