Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Bad Date . . . a nightmare from the past!




This was my first attempt at entering a writing contest back in September of 2007 . . . and it was voted first place . . . back in the days of Yahoo 360 blogs.  

It is unfortunately a true story . . . one of my first adventures with online dating after becoming a widow . . . I would say this story took place in 2005.



It was time to move on . . . after all, it had been over two years since my husband passed away. Since I was already online 24/7 as a full time eBay seller and a certifiable computer geek, my friends encouraged me to try computer dating.

Huh? How do you "date" on the computer? lol 

 Then the thought occurred to me that I make my living online, do my banking online, pay my bills online, order pizza for delivery online, learned out how to fix my toilet online . . . hmmmm why not make a love connection online? 

John and I made our connection through an "online dating service" and then corresponded through chat and phone. Since I'm so picky and don't want to waste my time on someone I know I would not like, I asked a lot of questions, wanted to see lots of photos and am very up front about what I am looking for. In turn, I do the same and accentuate my flaws as I don't want to disappoint anyone or waste their time either. 

After corresponding for roughly three months, we decided to meet . . . I know it was a long time, but I wanted to be sure and I was scared to death to jump into the dating scene. Keep in mind I was married 22 years and had not been on a "date" in a very very long time . . . thrown out in the jungle to fend for myself and find a new love to share my life with. 

John seemed to be everything I was looking for in a new love . . . he wasn't into playing games, was ready to settle down, no children, no nagging ex-wife, didn't hate women . . . NO BAGGAGE . . . from his photos, I was very attracted to him, he had an awesome personality that blended well with mine . . . we could talk for hours on the phone and time would just fly by, we liked doing the same things . . . . awwww seemed like a match made in heaven . . . 

The meeting place was a coffee shop at the mall. So far everything is cool and awesome, I was so anticipating meeting the man of my dreams . . . John seemed to fit all the criteria. As I walked into the coffee shop, I took a quick glance around and thought to myself that I must be early . . . no John . . . another thought, he changed his mind about me and I've been stood up. 

 I walk all around the place and as I was deciding where to sit and order a cup of coffee, I hear a familiar voice calling my name. When I turned around I could not believe my eyes. 

 This was not the man I had been corresponding with . . . well . . . it was, but he was using photos that were at least 20 years old. The beautiful hair was barely there and the sparkling blue eyes were lined with crows feet that were not apparent in the photos. 

 hmmmmm my italian blood started boiling immediately . . . I was deceived and all of a sudden I felt like the most stupid and gullible woman in the world. I wanted to run . . . very fast. 

He led me to his table and I ordered a cup of coffee, trying to be polite to this man that otherwise had become a friend, but definitely NOT a love connection . . . even if age was not a factor . . . HE LIED TO ME. 

 Yeah, he saw the disappointment on my face, I wear my emotions on my face, always have, even though I was trying to be polite and not hurt his feelings. But damn it . . . didn't he deserve for his feelings to be hurt? He wasted three months of my life, making me think he was someone he is not, deceiving me. 

 He finally asked me if I was disappointed . . . in my sarcastic witty way, I answered his question with questions, "Didn't you think I would be? Didn't you hear a word that I said about myself and what I expect out of a relationship? FIRST THING IS HONESTY . . ." 

When he said "I thought that if we spent enough time without you seeing me that you would fall in love with me, the person that I am before meeting me." hmmmmm it occurred to me that he was calling me a shallow person, but hey, I know what I want and I'm honest about it. Needless to say, with that statement, I had enough . . . the man was actually just as gorgeous as those photos, it was him, only 20 years older. 

 Maybe I would have given him a chance since we did hit it off, but the lie disappointed me so badly that I had a difficult time making eye contact with him and could not remain friends with him. 

Rule #1 . . . if you plan on meeting someone online, don't lie if you don't want to see the look of disappointment when you meet the person who is anticipating someone else entirely. 

Rule #2 . . . insist on seeing someone on webcam . . . at least that was one lesson learned . . . Three years later and more than a few disappointing experiences . . . I'm embracing my solitude . . . and enjoying it more every day.




Jumping back to present day . . . I have found that person I was searching for.  It took many years, but good things come to those who wait.  Not everyone you meet online is a bad person . . . I met the most wonderful person in the whole world on Twitter.  It is not all bad . . . you just have to be careful when dealing with people online.

This story is one of the many nightmares I experienced in those days following becoming a widow, but in the end, I am so grateful I never gave up on trust and faith.







EXCERPTS OF COMMENTS FROM THE ORIGINAL BLOG POST ON YAHOO 360















 



read more

Monday, June 27, 2011

Emotional Responses



Our emotions can lead to discovery of issues within ourselves that we may not be willing to face.  However, sweeping bad feelings "under the rug" and ignoring them will not make it better.  Quite the contrary, since they can grow and fester with disastrous consequences.

Bad situations can be opportunities to improve our relationships and learn how to handle our emotions more effectively.

By developing the process of exploring our reactions and emotions when we are upset by the words or actions of others, it becomes possible to develop a greater sense of security.  Understanding emotions makes it easier to deal with fears, bothersome issues and circumstances we encounter.

The result is healthier relationships with greater harmony.  

Being in touch with our emotions can also 
avoid a downward spiral into depression.

Live your life with greater harmony . . . 
explore your emotional responses honestly.






read more

Sunday, June 26, 2011

The miracle of change . . . and boredom



The feeling of boredom is often misunderstood and
 can actually mean we need to look under
 the layers for change.

Sometimes we feel that things aren't moving along fast enough for us and that the world is passing us by. It may be that time seems to stand still and that we are simply bystanders in our own lives. Other times it might appear that there is nothing new left for us to experience and that we are locked into a never-ending cycle of stasis. If we take the time to listen to these feelings we will notice that there is probably more going on beneath the surface, like our apprehension to venture out into the unknown. By taking a new look at how we live our lives, however, it will be easier to break through our sense of boredom and enter into a more positive state of being.

When life seems monotonous, it is usually an indication that there is something we need to change. Boredom can easily lead us down the path to despondency. Acknowledging our feelings and then setting the intention to alter just one small thing in our life can give us a much more affirmative outlook. This act of change allows us to step outside of ourselves and discover new and exciting things that are often already present in our everyday lives. 

Simple things such as eating a healthier diet, taking a new class, or joining a club are all ways in which we can go beyond our comfort zone and explore the wonders that exist all around us. Keep in mind that the moment we do something different from our usual routine, the more fresh energy, hope, and blessings we will manifest in our life. What this means is that we'll no longer see things as being tedious but will instead realize the preciousness of everything.

Being able to integrate these subtle changes on a daily basis allows us to recognize the miracles that are our lives. Even though we may think of change as doing something life-altering or drastic, gentle transitions from our habitual ways of doing things and an appreciation of all life offers us will truly bring about positive and lasting transformation.

Source: Daily Om




Being overwhelmed with way too many projects at one time tends to turn into boredom for me, especially if the projects are those I don't particularly enjoy doing, like housework.  I'm guilty of putting things off . . . procrastinating . . . then they build up, hitting me with the feeling of extreme boredom and overwhelm.  It may sound strange that too much to do bores me as much as not enough to do, but it does.

Then there is straight up boredom for whatever reason . . . sometimes I don't even know why I'm bored.

What I need to do is contemplate making some incremental changes described in the article from Daily Om . . . hopefully the article will give you some inspiration to make subtle changes in your life too.


read more

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Valuing Someone Gives Meaning



Showing someone that you value them resonates the soul within them and makes them feel loved and appreciated.

The need for love and being valued is so strong because it gives us meaning, and meaning is achieved through being of value to others in relationships. Valuing someone helps them overcome the fear of living a meaningless life - one of the primary adult fears. 

When was the last time you showed or told someone you valued them for who they were?

Source: The Soul Journey 



"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep . . . wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU . . . The one who turns to his friends and says, that's her..."

~ Author unknown ~




It is human nature to desire acceptance and love.  Isn't it?

For me, there is nothing like the safe feeling of being loved, valued and appreciated for who I am, like being wrapped up in a warm blanket on a cold day.  Relationships built on mutual respect, appreciation and value, as well as love, can be one of the most beautiful aspects of life itself.

While a person can live a whole life without a life partner, finding happiness and fulfillment in one's solitude, for me, there is something missing without that special person in my life.  Especially after losing my life partner at a young age, the emptiness within was screaming at me since I had experienced that safe feeling.  

The bonus is being loved as I am without having to change who I am.


"To love is nothing, To be loved is something,

To love and be loved is everything." 

~ Author unknown ~






read more

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Meaning in life








Meaning doesn’t lie in things; meaning lies in us. 

When we attach a value to things that aren’t love and cannot love— the money, the car, the house—we’re loving things that can’t love us back.

We’re searching for meaning in the meaningless, and this will always cause pain.




read more

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Gift of Anger


You know the feeling. It's that rage you get when someone cuts you off on the highway; the one where you just want to floor it and flip the bird. Anger is a corrosive emotion that can run off with your mental and physical health. So do you hold it in? Or do you let it all hang out? Yet, anger doesn't dissipate just because you unleash it.

Here are a few articles and blog posts that can help you manage this raw emotion.



I Am Angry

A curious solution to pandemic anger: Justin Bieber and beginner’s mind


What Kind of Partner Do You Want to Be?

Did you promise your partner to love, honor, and resent?


Anger Is the Key
Anger, not love, makes the world go 'round.


The Primacy of Anger Problems

Anger is a primary emotion.


Aggressive Athletes: Out of Control and Unapologetic
Why do athletes lash out? And are they really sorry?


Anger Problems: What They Say about You

Do you see anger or resentment in the mirror?


What Your Anger May Be Hiding

Reflections on the most seductive—and addictive—of human emotions.




Managing Anger


When Negative Thoughts Invade

Repeat the mantra: Not helpful.


Why Getting Revenge Isn't Worth It

The best revenge is none at all.


Controlling Anger
How to keep anger from eroding your life.


Compassion--Can It Transcend Forgiveness?

Is compassion, finally, more crucial than forgiveness?


Anger Management Failures

Don't date someone you meet in anger management class.


The Lion Tamer

Steven Stosny defuses rage by teaching people how to connect.


Top 10 Tools to Avoid Ugly Arguments

Constructive arguments can be a pathway to growth.


Disarming Your Buttons: How Not to Get Provoked (Part 1 of 4)

Why your hot buttons essentially belong to your child self.



Are You Angry?


Anger and Catharsis: Myth, Metaphor or Reality?

Concluding that catharsis of anger can't be therapeutic is incorrect.


Attributional Biases and Violent Soccer Play

In defense of Lambert’s character.


Living with an Angry Partner

Don't become resentful or angry yourself.


You Can't Punch Your Way Out of Anger

You can’t let off steam with violence.


McEnroe: Serena's Outburst Was Fine

McEnroe approves of Serena Williams abusing official.


Friends Don't Pick Up On Anger

We often fail to detect concealed anger in close pals.


The Origin of Fighting

The adaptive use of aggression






The Gift of Anger
By Mastin Kipp

Oh this hot coal of anger
How it can burn to the core
Of anyone who touches it's surface
But this fire, this rage of fear
Is a friend in hiding
The light of anger, the blessing of it's heat
Is that it melts away all the frozen shadows
Of our past
And sets them free to fly into the
Light of our awareness
Anger is a compass pointing towards
The blocks that keep Love from us
When anger becomes your friend
Love is sure to follow
Meet all your blocks with understanding
And this hot coal will cease to burn you
And begin to warm the frozen parts of your soul
Here is the gift of anger's heat
To express a grief and find a blessing in disguise
To break your heart
And find out that this is the only way for it to be
Open



Source: Mastin Kipp and TDL on Twitter






read more

Tending the Emotions



In the midst of a breakdown,
it is important that we allow it to happen,
rather than fight it or try to shut down.


Most of us have had the experience of holding back our emotions for such a long period of time that when they finally come out, we have something resembling a breakdown. For a certain period of time, the overwhelming flood of feelings coursing through our bodies consumes us, and we stop functioning. Often, these outbursts take us by surprise, welling up within us as we drive to or from work, watch a movie, or engage in some otherwise mundane task. We may feel like we do not know what triggered us, or if we do know, it does not make sense of our overpowering emotional response. This is because we are releasing feelings that have accumulated over a long period of time, and whatever inspired the release was just a catalyst for a much larger, much needed catharsis.

When we find ourselves in the midst of such an experience, it is important that we allow it to happen, rather than fight it or try to shut down. Wherever we are, we can try to find a private, safe place in which to let our feelings out. If we can not access such a place immediately, we can promise to set aside some time for ourselves at our earliest possible convenience, perhaps taking a day off work. The important thing is that we need to give our emotional system some much-needed attention. It is essential that we allow ourselves to release the pent-up emotions inside ourselves so that they do not create imbalances in our bodies and minds.

When you are feeling better, make a plan to find a way to process your emotions more regularly. You can do this by employing a therapist or making a regular date to talk to a trusted friend. Journaling can also be a great way to acknowledge and release your emotions, as can certain forms of meditation. Making room in your life for tending your emotions on a regular basis will keep you healthy, balanced, and ready for life.

Source: Daily Om


My emotions are finally getting the attention
they have much needed for a very long time.

Life circumstances sometimes bring on that emotional breakdown that brings you to the point of no return and it happens . . . the volcano erupts.

All I can say is that I am most grateful for being blessed with the most awesome boyfriend ever . . . I don't know what would have happened had it not been for him standing by my side. After years of praying about it, I found that one person who will fiercely defend and support me.

Although it has made me very sad at the circumstances,
good will come out of it and in the end, many people will benefit.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I am standing up for myself and what I believe in. Readers of my blogs know that quality of life and being true to myself is one of the most important things in life for me. Helping others is also of utmost importance.

Please include me in your prayers!
read more

Monday, June 20, 2011

Patience, wisdom and perspective



"Patience child, patience. Remember, life is a journey. If you got everything you wanted all at once there'd be no point to living. Enjoy the ride, and in the end you'll see these "set backs" as giant leaps forward, only you couldn't see the bigger picture in the moment. Remain calm, all is within reach; all you have to do is show up everyday, stay true to your path and you will surely find the treasure you seek."

- Mastin Kipp




Perspective plays a large part
 of patience, or lack thereof.

Our internet provider has proven to be very frustrating.  Lately, internet service has been intermittent through the day and night.  My computer and the internet are very important to me . . . I pay for a service and expect to receive  the service without problems.  When it goes out, I become very impatient and start venting like a fool . . . my temper starts to go places it doesn't belong.

My perspective is off . . . rather than waste time being upset about something I can't control, I should just focus my attention to one of many other projects I have going on.  Wisdom comes in for me in knowing that my perspective is becoming unbalanced, out of whack . . . time to switch gears and do something else.

In relation to the quote . . . obviously I can't "enjoy the ride" of waiting for my internet service to work again, but I can take the opportunity to realize that there are other things I can do rather than becoming like a volcano ready to erupt which would be a much more enjoyable alternative.  

Without the overwhelming feeling of annoyance at the situation, the transition to just moving on to something else can be a good thing.


read more

Monday, June 13, 2011

Just wanna be happy



"So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause I'm just trying to be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah"

Lyrics from the song "Happy"
by Leona Lewis




As I was writing a post on my music blog about the song "Happy" by Leona Lewis, the lyrics of the song inspired me to write this post.  

The song reminds me of the scary time in my life as I contemplated moving on with life and starting a meaningful relationship with the awesome guy I met online . . . The Captain.

In particular, the "what if" questions drove me crazy, especially what if he hurts me . . . what if it doesn't work out . . . blah blah blah . . .

The song makes an important point about taking chances in life . . . 


"I can't stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be"

Unhappy and safe . . . was that truly living life to the fullest?

It wasn't for me . . .

Long distance love worked for The Captain and I . . . it took a huge leap of faith and tons of patience for both of us.  In the posts of this blog, my life after the death of my husband depicts the raw emotions of life, the horrors of grief and the emptiness of a life without love.  I'm so happy and grateful I took a chance . . . it changed my life to all I ever wanted it to be . . . happy.

What if I had not taken the chance . . .



read more

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Conscious direction into this moment



"Today, be aware of the power of your mind. Give it your focus and consciously direct it. It will run away on its own, of course, but your goal is simply to redirect it back to the ways you wish to think and be… Today, your goal is to pull yourself back into now, over and over, whenever you find your mind drifting to thoughts of the past or worries or daydreams of the future; come back into now, this very moment, and once here, focus on the most important things that you need to accomplish, do and be right now… Every moment of every day, bring yourself back into now, erase any feelings of victimization, fear or doubt, and come into a peaceful center, a place where you can fully shine and be. And in this place, consciously choose how to act." (Quado through Carrie Hart)



Maybe it is the heat of the humid Florida weather or it could be the calm after the storm of life circumstances that have come at me like a fast moving freight train.  I have run out of energy, my concentration levels and focus is all but gone and I just crave rest and relaxation.  Throw in a little anxiety and depression I'm attributing to guilt for all those things needing to be done that I have not been doing.  I'm straight up tired and absolutely cannot motivate myself to do anything!

We all have those times, don't we?

As I was cleaning out my email box today, I came across my featured quote for the day.  It got me thinking about what I need to accomplish at this very moment.  The conclusion I came to as I let my mind drift . . . I need to chill out . . . just flat out DO NOTHING, relax and let my mind continue to drift to those peaceful places it wants to go.

Honestly, our minds and bodies tell us what we need when we need it . . . we just have to listen.  Sometimes it is necessary to DO NOTHING, chill out and just be.  In my working days, they were called "mental health days" when I would call in sick and stay in bed all day.  It is like giving yourself a little vacation from everything that is bothering you.  

All of life's pesky little things will still be there waiting for you when you get back.  The difference is that you can deal with those things more effectively with a rested mind and body.

Go ahead . . . do nothing!





read more

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Does procrastination hinder your life?





Life is Always Movement
By Sarah Ban Breathnach

Life doesn't ever calm down long enough for us to wait until tomorrow to start living the lives we deserve.

Life is always movement, always change, always unforeseen circumstances. There will always be something to grab your attention.

Let's just acknowledge that as far as real life is concerned, we are only one step away from dealing with dysfunction....Procrastination has robbed us of too many opportunities.

The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers. But above all, the world needs dreamers who do.

Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.

About the Author: Sarah Ban Breathnach's work celebrates quiet joys, simple pleasures and everyday epiphanies. She is author of the New York Times bestsellers, Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy and Something More.

Visit her website at:www.simpleabundance.com


 "Telling someone who procrastinates to buy a weekly planner
 is like telling someone with chronic depression to just cheer up."

Joseph Ferrari, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Psychology at De Paul University in Chicago 


Does procrastination hinder your life?  

It does mine . . . I am a classic procrastinator.  I've come to the conclusion that the root of my problem is simple rebellion that developed in my pre-teen years.  While I understand it, have come to terms with it, I still have not learned how to effectively deal with it.


Along with rebellion are unattainable perfection expectations for myself . . . having unreachable standards discourages me from even starting a task.  The task is put off until the "perfect plan" is in place.

With a little research, I came up with a overcoming procrastination scenario for myself that I hope will help . . . maybe it will help you too.


Just jump in and do it . . . 

Stop spending time planning and
 do the task you dread the most first 

Give yourself a short time limit and
 alternate the task with something you enjoy

Realize that perfection can never
 be attained . . . do your best

Focus on progress

Reward yourself along the
 way of progress

Turn on energetic music to keep
 you moving and motivated

Don't push yourself too far . . . 
realize this leads to boredom or
 frustration resulting in no progress


Are you also a procrastinator?

If you are . . .
How do you motivate yourself?

If you aren't . . .
What is your secret?





read more

Labels

1960's 1970's 9-11 abuse abusive behavior acceptance accomplishment accomplishments acquaintances addiction adoration adversity affair affection afraid agoraphobia alive ambitions anger anticipation anxiety appreciation approval aspirations attitude attraction authenticity awareness bad behavior bad days bad times balance balance of life beginning behavior being alone beliefs believe in yourself Betsy bitterness blahs blame blessing blessings bliss boredom buddy burnout Buster calm challenges challenging times chances change changes cheating cheech and chong chemistry choices christmas cigarettes comfort zone commitment commitments communication companion compassion competitive drive confidence conflict confrontation confusion consequences consideration contemplation contentment control controversy coping coping with grief Corinthians13 courage creativity crossroads cujo cupid curse dad dating dealing with grief death deceit deception decision making defense mode denial depression desire desires destiny determination diet difficulties direction disagreements disappointment discipline dissappointment dogs doubt drama queen dream dreams eBay economy ego emotional abuse emotional baggage emotional boundaries emotional commitment emotional state emotional support emotions employment empowerment encouragement endurance escape expectations facing problems failure failures faith falling down family fantasy fate Fear fears feelings Florida flower children focus forbidden love forgiveness freaky feelings free love free will freedom friends friendship frustration frying pan moments fulfillment fun future gardening glass half full/half empty goals God good times grateful gratitude gried grief grief phases growth guidance guilt habits happiness happy hard headed harmony hate healing health helpless hermit hippie culture hippies holidays home homeless honesty hope hopeless hopes hugs humiliation hurt identity imagination impatience improvement inner strength inner struggle innovation insecurity insensitivity inspiration intense love intentions intimacy intuition irritation isolation job job satisfaction John Lennon joy jr judgment Kiki kindness laughter lessons letting go lies life life balance life challenges life change life changes life circumstances life experiences life lessons life partner life retrospect life situations life struggles lifestyle living alone loneliness lonely long distance relationship loss loss of a pet loss of control lost love lovers luck lust magic managing anxiety Mark Nepo marriage medication Memorial Day memories mental health Mimi miracles mistakes moderation moments money motivation moving on natural disasters needs negative thoughts negativity new year Nolan normal nurturing obstacles office politics online dating online love online romance opinions opportunity optimism options overwhelm pace pain pandemic paranoia passion passionate past path patience peace peace of mind perception perfection perserverance persistence personal growth personal power perspective Petey pets physical abuse pity party planning plans plants pleasure politics positive attitude positive energy positive thinking positivity possibilities prayer pride priorities problems procrastination progress prosperity purpose quality of life quit smoking reaction reactions reality reasons regrets rejection relationship relationships relax relaxation resentment resolutions respect responsibility rest restlessness retirement retreat revenge risk risks Robin Williams romance romantic love routine run away running away sacrifice sadness safe sanctuary satisfaction scared searching self-acceptance self-awareness self-confidence self-control self-defeating behavior self-esteem self-help self-improvement self-loathing self-love self-pity self-sabotage self-talk self-worth separation serendipity serenity setting goals settle sex sexual revolution simple abundance smoking social media society solitude sorrow soul soulmates stability standards state of mind strength stress strict rules strong struggle struggles stubborn subconscious feelings success suffering suicide support suppressed emotions survival surviving grief temper terrorism tests thankful Thanksgiving The Wedding Singer thinking thoughts time time travel tolerance toxic love toxic people toxic relationship tragedy transitions trigger day triggers trouble true calling trust truth unbalanced uncertainty unconditional love understanding unemployment unhappiness unresolved feelings valentines day value values valuing moments veterans day victim mentality victims vision vulnerability wants war Wayne Dyer weakness weather wedding anniversary what if widow Willie wisdom wishes withdrawal work work achievements work standards workaholic worries worry