Sunday, March 31, 2024
Holiday Blues
Thursday, March 21, 2024
Don't give up now
But really, do I have a choice?
I guess it was his birthday, a trigger day that started me on the roller coaster again. Just when I was starting to feel better.
I'm so tired of feeling better only to slip back into this funky phase of grief. The good thing is I have writing about it to help me get through the awful moments.
If it seems like I am ready to give up going on with my life and having a normal life again, the answer is hell no, I will never give up. I got through losing JR and I will get through losing The Captain. He taught me that life does go on . . . he made it possible for me to do so. It isn't easy, but life isn't easy.
Tuesday, March 5, 2024
Future Without Fear?
Wednesday, February 28, 2024
Make Change and Disappointment Work For You
Celebrating with gratitude
Make a habit out of celebrating the small moments in healing, gratitude, and growth.
Alex Elle
Anytime a change occurs, even if it is a painful change that hurts, the change should be celebrated as growth with much gratitude. Emotions heal and ultimately, the change was for the best.
Unwelcome painful change happens for a good reason and we should celebrate it as a powerful growth incident.
Monday, January 3, 2022
Peace and Valuing Moments
If we are to have true peace in the world, we must first find it within ourselves.
"Most people agree that a more peaceful world would be an ideal situation for all living creatures. However, we often seem stumped as to how to bring this ideal situation into being. If we are to have true peace in this world, each one of us must find it in ourselves first. If we don't like ourselves, for example, we probably won't like those around us. If we are in a constant state of inner conflict, then we will probably manifest conflict in the world. If we have fighting within our families, there can be no peace in the world. We must shine the light of inquiry on our internal struggles, because this is the only place we can really create change."
You can read the rest of the article here.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Little steps
Baby steps is what is needed when a change in life circumstances reverts back to what is considered "normal" . . . normal being the perception of what it should be by the person making the changes.
The date of the following post was in October of 2007 and I still don't consider my life as "normal" even though I have moved on and have remarried. Having said that, many of my goals have been met and I have moved closer to what I have considered normal even though I'm not there yet.
It has taken little changes . . . I call them incremental changes. Changes so small that you barely feel them happening. Sometimes that is all we can handle. As stated in the quote, change cannot happen with leaps. Leaps lead to overwhelm, feeling like a failure and giving up.
As I look back to the time the post was written, so many changes have taken place, however, the changes were so little at a time that it almost seems impossible that so much progress has been made on my journey to a "normal" life.
I did try doing the leaps, but they led to me falling down and failing, making the progress move a step backward.
To recap some changes . . . I'm no longer agoraphobic (not able to leave the house), I'M NOT A HERMIT ANYMORE!, I can drive again, I entered the workplace, I trusted another person to love again . . . enough to marry him. I can be in a vehicle again as a passenger and not have panic attacks as I did in the beginning, although I still have a problem with it (and still working on it).
This post originally published on
What is bothering me can't be fixed over night . . . I want what I had before. I miss my husband, I want my life as it was before he died. Why did he have to die? Having to deal with this was the last thing on my list of worries, which is always a very long list since I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and worry about everything.
It isn't the loneliness since I keep myself busy. It is being alone . . . this is the first time in my life that I am alone and I hate it with a passion. Sometimes like this morning, it just gets to me. My mom is on her way over and we are gonna go shopping to keep my mind occupied. It helps momentarily.
I'm not always positive about life, sometimes life just sucks, but I try to deal with it optimistically.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Perceptions of Sorrow
A mood of melancholy can overtake you today, blinding you to pleasures you usually value so highly. You may not know how to respond to this mind-set and may unwittingly prevent yourself from taking those actions that will bring you relief. If you allow yourself to withdraw from the world, you may find that a great weight is lifted from your shoulders. But you can further soothe yourself by reflecting upon the feelings plaguing you. The introspective activities you engage in can become the cornerstone of your efforts to regain your good spirits, and you will likely enjoy a renewed peace of mind before the day is through.
The effect sadness has upon us is modulated by our perception of the feelings coursing through our hearts and minds. When we treat sorrow as little more than a crushing weight over which we have no power, it has the power to negatively impact our experience as a whole. If, however, we envision our low spirits as both a signal and an opportunity, we can take control of our feelings and use them to enrich ourselves through self-examination. Frequently, our sadness is an indication that we are denying some lingering issues that are capable of influencing our moods. In investigating our disposition using introspection as a tool, we can discover why we feel as we do. When you withdraw in your melancholy, you will soon come upon the cure that allows you to restore your good nature.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Everything Happens For A Reason
When all the pieces of our life don’t quite make sense, we can remember that there may be some hidden gem of a reason that we are where we are having the experiences we are having.
Source: Daily Om
There have been awful times in my life that I can look back and see some of the hidden treasures that were buried in the pain.
Just as some people see a half empty glass while another sees a half full glass, some people can always find the good in a bad situation, while some can't.
The perspective that everything happens for a reason can make bad times a bit better as one occupies the mind trying to find that hidden gem which may or may not reveal itself.
While some will seek the hidden gem, others will take that same perspective and ask why . . . just wanting a reason without expecting a hidden gem and holding on to anger with the circumstances they find themselves in.
No matter how we perceive a life challenge, it will continue along the way to it's destiny for whatever reason. Maybe it is not meant for us to know. A lesson is not a lesson without a test. There are no absolutes in life.
Life itself is a series of circumstances, situations and events that continue over and over again without ceasing. Some are good, some are bad for whatever reason.
Life perspectives is what divides the happy people from the sad even if both realize that everything happens for a reason. Human nature I guess . . .
The whole concept takes me back to some lyrics from an old song that always comes to mind when "everything happens for a reason" is thought of . . . "que sera sera, whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see, que sera sera."
How do you see this concept?
Sunday, December 29, 2013
The Monsters in the Closet
Pay attention to your emotions
"Emotions are the next frontier to be understood and conquered. To manage our emotions is not to drug them or suppress them, but to understand them so that we can intelligently direct our emotional energies and intentions.... It's time for human beings to grow up emotionally, to mature into emotionally managed and responsible citizens. No magic pill will do it." ~ Doc Childre
Many of us believe that we need to keep a tight lid on our emotions. We fear that if we ever allow these emotions to be expressed, they will do serious damage.
But if we summon up the courage to truly feel our emotions, we discover that they don't last. The monster in the closet turns out to be a pussycat. In fact, if we are willing to experience our emotions completely, without resistance of any kind, they burn themselves out in only a few minutes.
The only thing that keeps emotions alive within you over long periods is your unwillingness to acknowledge them.
"By starving emotions we become humorless, rigid and stereotyped; by repressing them we become literal, reformatory and holier-than-thou; encouraged, they perfume life; discouraged, they poison it." ~ Joseph Collins
Source: Higher Awareness
It has been a difficult month . . . December usually is. There have been a myriad of emotions that have been my monster in the closet.
First of all, grief. It is the one emotion that is always looming and floating around my thoughts, which sometimes gets the best of me. This month it was compounded by two deaths in my extended family. One was expected, the other was totally unexpected and especially painful. Both deaths took my thoughts to places in the past where these two beautiful people touched my life and I contemplated their affect on my life. All of this thinking took me to other places of grief to a very disturbing journey of revisiting all those important people who have disappeared from my life, never to appear again. Grief can be a vicious cycle.
By all means, I did not starve my emotions this month. In fact, I fed them way too much. All the monsters were very hungry!
With my emotions in a delicate condition, this situation of no running water for yet another month had me to the point of wanting to scream at the top of my lungs without ceasing. How awful to have to live this way with no end in sight. This too shall pass . . .
The monsters from my childhood also stay at the edge of the closet, coming out to haunt and torment me randomly. Although the emotions seem trivial and silly to others, they are very real to me. They came at me fiercely around Christmas.
Although many of us try to sweep the monsters back in the closet, we all have them and must deal with them as they show themselves. Mine always come out with a vengeance around the holidays. Maybe I don't deal with them enough during the year.
Of course it was not all bad. The Captain and I had some very joyous times. We treated ourselves to a few culinary toys that we are thoroughly enjoying. Christmas Eve was spent at my cousin's house for the annual pig roast. We arrived early to experience the process of roasting a pig. It made me very happy to spend quality time with my aunt, uncle and cousins. The simple things in life are so special and these are the things I will remember when I think of this holiday season.
Hopefully the monsters will go back to hide in the closet as the ball drops on New Years Eve, marking the end of the holidays and the dreaded season. Having said all that I've said, they are way more joyous since I met The Captain. He's my hero and gift from God . . . the light at the end of the dark closet.
Monday, November 25, 2013
The sum of your choices
A life without challenges would be like going to school without lessons to learn. Challenges come not to depress or get you down; but to master, and to grow, and unfold your abilities. (Source) - www.pravsworld.com
Acknowledge that you failed, draw your lessons from it, and use it to your advantage to make sure it never happens again.
(Michael Johnson)
It seems like every time something perceived as
"bad" happens, many of us ask "why?"
A long time ago, I came to the conclusion that everything, good and bad, happens for a reason. Most of the time there is a lesson to be learned.
It doesn't always seem that way if you have followed my blog for any length of time. The dark side of me tends to go negative first, then slowly transcends to positive mode after analyzing the situation. There are times I will nearly drive myself crazy trying to figure out the reason, although there are not always specific reasons, just realizations of life that need to be learned.
Reactions to life circumstances are choices made by our God given gift of free will and intuition.
All of those choices make up our life.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Teetering on the edge
"One of the most beautiful qualities of an intimate relationship is the give and take of energy that occurs between two people. In the best-case scenario, both people share the talking and listening, and the giving and receiving of support, equally.
Occasionally, within any relationship, the balance shifts and one person needs to listen more, or give more. Generally, over a long period of time, even this exception will take on a balanced rhythm; we all go through times when we take more and times when we give more."
It has been a trying time! We are still without running water . . . the end of Week #7 . . . no immediate end in site. Having a well system rather than the convenience of municipality provided water really does suck. Our municipality wants at least $15,000 to get hooked up since this area is not set up for this service . . . you would think is routine in a "modern" big city. It doesn't matter that we pay local taxes!
The strange thing is that this whole time of unforeseen hardship, The Captain and I have become closer than we were before.
There have been times I felt as though I absolutely could not deal with this problem any longer. Those times of teetering on the edge of sanity and insanity, that loss of balance, proved to be opportunities of soul searching and comfort. The discouraging times for The Captain found me experiencing optimism which has helped him going.
As problems arise, we find solutions . . . it is not the end of the world. We have so much to be grateful for.
We are living the above quote . . . hardships can become blessings . . . believe it or not!
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Refuse to be a victim
you would never think a negative thought.
We point to our unhappy circumstances to rationalize
our negative feelings. This is the easy way out.
It takes, after all, very little effort to feel victimized."
We hold the power in our thoughts.
We do it to ourselves when we allow external
circumstances to hold power over us.
we ALWAYS have a choice in how we respond.
We hold our power when we accept complete
responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and actions.
until he says someone pushed him."
of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed."
Those of us afflicted with any type of depression can relate to the pity party.
When I look back at some of my parties, they have included a friend or two going through a bad time. Funny thing about having a pity party with someone else is how we tend to "one up" each other with the problems. It is a mind game.
Of course I still have them, but my life is finally on the path to where I want to be, so they are less frequent and don't last as long as they once did.
I continue to work on my reaction to circumstances, seeing them in a positive light rather than totally negative eyes. It is all perspective and the thoughts are in our control.
My healing really started to kick in at the end of 2008, a couple of months before I met The Captain . . . the following post is from that time.
This post was originally published
on December 8, 2008
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Pondering Restless Impatience
Because of impatience we were driven out of Paradise,
because of impatience we cannot return.”
Meaning #1: a lack of patience; irritation with anything that causes delay
Synonym: restlessness
Meaning #2: a restless desire for change and excitement
Meaning #3: a dislike of anything that causes delay
Today is my birthday . . . ok, hence the raging sense of powerlessness . . . becoming a year older is not a happy thought as it was when I was a teenager and wanted so bad to be an adult. I'm exhibiting "pewter power" and allowing my silver streaks to show . . . an all too visual reminder of becoming older.
Whatever . . . here is the meaning of my birthdate and there is the gruesome twosome . . . impatience and restlessness . . .
- August 14 - | |
You are very independent and fearless. You have a lot of pride in yourself, and have confidence that you can do anything you put your mind to. | |
Positive Traits:
cooperative, versatile, organized, analytical, curious | |
Negative Traits:
impatience, restlessness, rebellious, irresponsible, breaking promises |
God knows I have earned it . . .
I'm another year older and life is passing me by :(