What is wrong with people?

 

I'm waiting for sunrise to get in my car and go on a new adventure.  

After two months of being off my medication for depression, I'm finally leveling off and feeling so much better.  I hope I never have to go through another nightmare to get the medication I desperately need, especially at this time in my life.  Yes, I explained over and over again that I am experiencing a high degree of grief, but the order kept getting cancelled.  

I'm so tired of fighting people who really don't care to do a good job.  I have encountered this type of thing with all the stuff I have had to deal with regarding the Captain's death.  The saddest is to appeal the denial for his burial rights.  This stuff already stresses me out and what makes it worse is to have to address it over and over again.

The good news is that I am feeling better and ready to start fighting for what is coming to me again.

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Long Darkness

 

Nothing has been as it seems, or has it?

Some lines from a movie I recently saw really hit home with me and put the past year into a weird perspective.  

"I was sleeping peacefully in the midst of a long darkness.  It is good to sleep when you can't find the answers so I just slept for what seemed like months.  Then I was pulled by a light, life was pulling me back."

It seems as though the roller coaster of grief has had me going back and forth as though I am having a bad dream, woken up to a momentary desire to get back to normal life, but swiftly pulled back out of the reality that is way too painful to deal with.  Of course I deal with it, I have no choice, but the mind can play tricks on us in those painful dark moments of grief.  I tend to want to just stay in bed and not face another day of the torment of a new reality.  

I think to myself, "it can't be possible that my life has changed this drastically."  But it has.  Nothing makes sense and I feel lost without him.

I'm going though a crazy, difficult phase of grief where the long darkness makes me look at progress I've made skeptically.  This too shall pass.  I know because I have already been here 20 years ago when my first husband passed away, I just forgot how difficult it was.

 

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Holiday Blues

Another trigger day, actually a double trigger day, JR's birthday.  

This is the end of trigger days for a while thank God and I am already feeling better.  It is all a mindset.

In the past, I loved holidays, they were so special.  Now they are memories of special days.  In my time with The Captain, the holidays were already dreaded days.  He wasn't fond of them either, except for our birthdays and anniversary.

 

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Don't give up now

 

But really, do I have a choice?

I guess it was his birthday, a trigger day that started me on the roller coaster again.  Just when I was starting to feel better.

I'm so tired of feeling better only to slip back into this funky phase of grief.  The good thing is I have writing about it to help me get through the awful moments.

If it seems like I am ready to give up going on with my life and having a normal life again, the answer is hell no, I will never give up.  I got through losing JR and I will get through losing The Captain.  He taught me that life does go on . . . he made it possible for me to do so.  It isn't easy, but life isn't easy.

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Future Without Fear?

Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep faith and drop the fear. Don't believe your doubts and never doubt your beliefs. Life is wonderful if you know how to live it. 

Source

There is a line in that quote . . . "Life is wonderful if you know how to live it."  It screams life balance to me and learning how to maintain it.  I can remember having life balance at different points in my life.  Maintaining it is so difficult as life changes and throws us off balance.

Never have regrets for anything in your past since those circumstances have brought you to where you are at this moment and even the bad is good because you learned lessons along the way.

As far as fears and doubts, whatever is going to happen will happen.  The present and future are not controlled by fears and doubts unless you are faithless and prevent the process of moving on.  Think positively about life situations, make the best choices possible and have faith in the choices you have made for yourself.

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Make Change and Disappointment Work For You

Change is always happening, so make sure it works for you.

Disappointment is no welcome change.  It is defined as sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hope or expectations.  

Life changes can't be avoided and they do not always bring joy.  However, see it as an opportunity for growth.  Don't resist the unfortunate circumstance, learn from it and move on.  

Dwelling on the disappointment won't make it go away, it just prolongs the healing from the hurt it caused.  Never forget that how we respond is totally under our control.

I recently wrote another post on change and how we should celebrate it, good or bad.  Be flexible, practice gratitude and unpleasant changes will not interfere with good mental health.

I'm still experiencing grief and have long acknowledged that it will have lasting implications in my life.  Changes in my life circumstances will also change those lasting implications positively if I let them and that is what I choose to do.

Learn from your life changes and disappointment!

Disappointments can be a positive thing.

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Celebrating with gratitude

 

Make a habit out of celebrating the small moments in healing, gratitude, and growth.

Alex Elle

Anytime a change occurs, even if it is a painful change that hurts, the change should be celebrated as growth with much gratitude.  Emotions heal and ultimately, the change was for the best.

Unwelcome painful change happens for a good reason and we should celebrate it as a powerful growth incident.

Not everything our heart desires is the thing that is meant to be and may be quite the opposite.  As a blessing/curse situation.

As a Christian, I believe everything happens for a reason.  Even the bad situation happens to teach us a lesson or make a point we have needed to pay attention to.  

Either way, celebrate and thank God, because it is all good.

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Peace and Valuing Moments

 

If we are to have true peace in the world, we must first find it within ourselves.

"Most people agree that a more peaceful world would be an ideal situation for all living creatures. However, we often seem stumped as to how to bring this ideal situation into being. If we are to have true peace in this world, each one of us must find it in ourselves first. If we don't like ourselves, for example, we probably won't like those around us. If we are in a constant state of inner conflict, then we will probably manifest conflict in the world. If we have fighting within our families, there can be no peace in the world. We must shine the light of inquiry on our internal struggles, because this is the only place we can really create change."

You can read the rest of the article here.

The process of dealing with inner conflict through so many levels of change, both good and not so good, has been quite a personal journey.

The article addresses shining the light on those internal struggles.  I would add those situations that bring the struggles.  

Do any of us have the magic power of being able to control those situations?  Maybe some, but it is delusional to think that we can change all of them.  

For me, realizing that struggling with those things we can't change will only make a person very depressed and angry . . . hopelessness is the killer that makes it almost impossible to get back up after falling.

Although there are many things that concern me, I have started to finally let go of those things I can't change.  Changing the thought process has resulted in very different reactions than before as I strive to get better every day.  As a result, I am finding peace in valuing moments and being more grateful for my blessings.  As a Christian, I believe everything is in God's hands.  Things happen for a reason.

Why drive yourself crazy over things that may happen in the future?  Not one of us is given a magic wand or promised tomorrow.  So why not value the present moment?

Happy New Year!

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Little steps

Those who would climb to a lofty height

 must go by steps, not leaps.

St. Gregory the Great

from a letter to Augustine of Canterbury




Baby steps is what is needed when a change in life circumstances reverts back to what is considered "normal" . . . normal being the perception of what it should be by the person making the changes.

The date of the following post was in October of 2007 and I still don't consider my life as "normal" even though I have moved on and have remarried.  Having said that, many of my goals have been met and I have moved closer to what I have considered normal even though I'm not there yet.

It has taken little changes . . . I call them incremental changes.  Changes so small that you barely feel them happening.  Sometimes that is all we can handle.  As stated in the quote, change cannot happen with leaps.  Leaps lead to overwhelm, feeling like a failure and giving up.

As I look back to the time the post was written, so many changes have taken place, however, the changes were so little at a time that it almost seems impossible that so much progress has been made on my journey to a "normal" life.  

I did try doing the leaps, but they led to me falling down and failing, making the progress move a step backward.

To recap some changes . . . I'm no longer agoraphobic (not able to leave the house),  I'M NOT A HERMIT ANYMORE!, I can drive again, I entered the workplace, I trusted another person to love again . . . enough to marry him.  I can be in a vehicle again as a passenger and not have panic attacks as I did in the beginning, although I still have a problem with it (and still working on it).

This post originally published on 10-5-07

It is turning out to be one of those days that aren't quite so positive.  Memories of when my life was happy and I had someone to share happy times with are haunting me. Now I'm alone in miserable times. Sometimes I wonder why bad things happen to good people. I'm fighting a pity party this morning and I can't go there, so I thought I would write about how I'm feeling.

What is bothering me can't be fixed over night . . . I want what I had before. I miss my husband, I want my life as it was before he died. Why did he have to die? Having to deal with this was the last thing on my list of worries, which is always a very long list since I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and worry about everything.

It isn't the loneliness since I keep myself busy. It is being alone . . . this is the first time in my life that I am alone and I hate it with a passion. Sometimes like this morning, it just gets to me. My mom is on her way over and we are gonna go shopping to keep my mind occupied. It helps momentarily.

I'm not always positive about life, sometimes life just sucks, but I try to deal with it optimistically.

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Perceptions of Sorrow

A mood of melancholy can overtake you today, blinding you to pleasures you usually value so highly. You may not know how to respond to this mind-set and may unwittingly prevent yourself from taking those actions that will bring you relief. If you allow yourself to withdraw from the world, you may find that a great weight is lifted from your shoulders. But you can further soothe yourself by reflecting upon the feelings plaguing you. The introspective activities you engage in can become the cornerstone of your efforts to regain your good spirits, and you will likely enjoy a renewed peace of mind before the day is through. 

The effect sadness has upon us is modulated by our perception of the feelings coursing through our hearts and minds. When we treat sorrow as little more than a crushing weight over which we have no power, it has the power to negatively impact our experience as a whole. If, however, we envision our low spirits as both a signal and an opportunity, we can take control of our feelings and use them to enrich ourselves through self-examination. Frequently, our sadness is an indication that we are denying some lingering issues that are capable of influencing our moods. In investigating our disposition using introspection as a tool, we can discover why we feel as we do. When you withdraw in your melancholy, you will soon come upon the cure that allows you to restore your good nature. 

 Source:  Daily Om

Overwhelming sadness has consumed me way too long.  Seems like it crept up on me and I haven't been able to shake it off.

I took a typical grief trigger day of what would have been my 34th wedding anniversary to JR way too hard . . . it was the most difficult year yet.  Maybe it is everything else going on.

The same problems persist and just won't go away anytime soon . . . it is all starting to get to me.

This too shall pass . . . just needed to let it out.

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Everything Happens For A Reason

When all the pieces of our life don’t quite make sense, we can remember that there may be some hidden gem of a reason that we are where we are having the experiences we are having. 

Source:  Daily Om



There have been awful times in my life that I can look back and see some of the hidden treasures that were buried in the pain.  

Just as some people see a half empty glass while another sees a half full glass, some people can always find the good in a bad situation, while some can't.

The perspective that everything happens for a reason can make bad times a bit better as one occupies the mind trying to find that hidden gem which may or may not reveal itself.

While some will seek the hidden gem, others will take that same perspective and ask why . . . just wanting a reason without expecting a hidden gem and holding on to anger with the circumstances they find themselves in.

No matter how we perceive a life challenge, it will continue along the way to it's destiny for whatever reason. Maybe it is not meant for us to know.  A lesson is not a lesson without a test.  There are no absolutes in life.

Life itself is a series of circumstances, situations and events that continue over and over again without ceasing.  Some are good, some are bad for whatever reason.

Life perspectives is what divides the happy people from the sad even if both realize that everything happens for a reason.  Human nature I guess . . .

The whole concept takes me back to some lyrics from an old song that always comes to mind when "everything happens for a reason" is thought of . . . "que sera sera, whatever will be will be, the future's not ours to see, que sera sera."

How do you see this concept?

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The Monsters in the Closet

Pay attention to your emotions

"Emotions are the next frontier to be understood and conquered. To manage our emotions is not to drug them or suppress them, but to understand them so that we can intelligently direct our emotional energies and intentions.... It's time for human beings to grow up emotionally, to mature into emotionally managed and responsible citizens. No magic pill will do it."  ~ Doc Childre


Many of us believe that we need to keep a tight lid on our emotions. We fear that if we ever allow these emotions to be expressed, they will do serious damage.

But if we summon up the courage to truly feel our emotions, we discover that they don't last. The monster in the closet turns out to be a pussycat. In fact, if we are willing to experience our emotions completely, without resistance of any kind, they burn themselves out in only a few minutes.

The only thing that keeps emotions alive within you over long periods is your unwillingness to acknowledge them.

"By starving emotions we become humorless, rigid and stereotyped; by repressing them we become literal, reformatory and holier-than-thou; encouraged, they perfume life; discouraged, they poison it."  ~ Joseph Collins

Source: Higher Awareness

It has been a difficult month . . . December usually is.  There have been a myriad of emotions that have been my monster in the closet.

First of all, grief.  It is the one emotion that is always looming and floating around my thoughts, which sometimes gets the best of me.  This month it was compounded by two deaths in my extended family.  One was expected, the other was totally unexpected and especially painful.  Both deaths took my thoughts to places in the past where these two beautiful people touched my life and I contemplated their affect on my life. All of this thinking took me to other places of grief to a very disturbing journey of revisiting all those important people who have disappeared from my life, never to appear again.  Grief can be a vicious cycle.

By all means, I did not starve my emotions this month.  In fact, I fed them way too much.  All the monsters were very hungry!

With my emotions in a delicate condition, this situation of no running water for yet another month had me to the point of wanting to scream at the top of my lungs without ceasing.  How awful to have to live this way with no end in sight.  This too shall pass . . .

The monsters from my childhood also stay at the edge of the closet, coming out to haunt and torment me randomly.  Although the emotions seem trivial and silly to others, they are very real to me.  They came at me fiercely around Christmas.

Although many of us try to sweep the monsters back in the closet, we all have them and must deal with them as they show themselves.  Mine always come out with a vengeance around the holidays.  Maybe I don't deal with them enough during the year.

Of course it was not all bad.  The Captain and I had some very joyous times. We treated ourselves to a few culinary toys that we are thoroughly enjoying. Christmas Eve was spent at my cousin's house for the annual pig roast.  We arrived early to experience the process of roasting a pig.  It made me very happy to spend quality time with my aunt, uncle and cousins.  The simple things in life are so special and these are the things I will remember when I think of this holiday season.

Hopefully the monsters will go back to hide in the closet as the ball drops on New Years Eve, marking the end of the holidays and the dreaded season. Having said all that I've said, they are way more joyous since I met The Captain.  He's my hero and gift from God . . . the light at the end of the dark closet.

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The sum of your choices

A life without challenges would be like going to school without lessons to learn. Challenges come not to depress or get you down; but to master, and to grow, and unfold your abilities. (Source) - www.pravsworld.com

Acknowledge that you failed, draw your lessons from it, and use it to your advantage to make sure it never happens again.
(Michael Johnson)

It seems like every time something perceived as
 "bad" happens, many of us ask "why?"


A long time ago, I came to the conclusion that everything, good and bad, happens for a reason.  Most of the time there is a lesson to be learned.

It doesn't always seem that way if you have followed my blog for any length of time.  The dark side of me tends to go negative first, then slowly transcends to positive mode after analyzing the situation.  There are times I will nearly drive myself crazy trying to figure out the reason, although there are not always specific reasons, just realizations of life that need to be learned.

Reactions to life circumstances are choices made by our God given gift of free will and intuition. 

All of those choices make up our life.

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Teetering on the edge

Relationships can become out of balance  and one-sided if we don’t occasionally  check in with each other.

"One of the most beautiful qualities of an intimate relationship is the give and take of energy that occurs between two people. In the best-case scenario, both people share the talking and listening, and the giving and receiving of support, equally. 

Occasionally, within any relationship, the balance shifts and one person needs to listen more, or give more. Generally, over a long period of time, even this exception will take on a balanced rhythm; we all go through times when we take more and times when we give more."

Source:  Daily Om 

It has been a trying time!  We are still without running water . . . the end of Week #7 . . . no immediate end in site.  Having a well system rather than the convenience of municipality provided water really does suck. Our municipality wants at least $15,000 to get hooked up since this area is not set up for this service . . . you would think is routine in a "modern" big city.  It doesn't matter that we pay local taxes!

The strange thing is that this whole time of unforeseen hardship, The Captain and I have become closer than we were before.

There have been times I felt as though I absolutely could not deal with this problem any longer.  Those times of teetering on the edge of sanity and insanity, that loss of balance, proved to be opportunities of soul searching and comfort.  The discouraging times for The Captain found me experiencing optimism which has helped him going.

As problems arise, we find solutions . . . it is not the end of the world.  We have so much to be grateful for.

We are living the above quote . . . hardships can become blessings . . . believe it or not!

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Refuse to be a victim

If you realized how powerful your thoughts are,
you would never think a negative thought.

Peace Pilgrim

"We focus on the negatives, losing ourselves in the ‘problem.’
We point to our unhappy circumstances to rationalize
our negative feelings. This is the easy way out.
It takes, after all, very little effort to feel victimized."

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

We hold the power in our thoughts.

Nothing and no one can make us a victim.
We do it to ourselves when we allow external
circumstances to hold power over us.

Although we have no control over what happens to us,
we ALWAYS have a choice in how we respond.

We hold our power when we accept complete
responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and actions.

"A man may fall many times but he won't be a failure
until he says someone pushed him."

Elmer G. Letterman

"The most potent weapon in the hands
of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed."

Steven Biko

Those of us afflicted with any type of depression can relate to the pity party.

When I look back at some of my parties, they have included a friend or two going through a bad time.  Funny thing about having a pity party with someone else is how we tend to "one up" each other with the problems.  It is a mind game.

Of course I still have them, but my life is finally on the path to where I want to be, so they are less frequent and don't last as long as they once did.  

I continue to work on my reaction to circumstances, seeing them in a positive light rather than totally negative eyes.  It is all perspective and the thoughts are in our control.

My healing really started to kick in at the end of 2008, a couple of months before I met The Captain . . . the following post is from that time.

This post was originally published
on December 8, 2008

I'll admit to my times of wanting to give up and wallow in the depths of a pity party, wailing "woe is me . . . poor me . . . I am a victim" . . . my long time online friends and readers of my blogs have been witness to those pity party posts. Some I left in my blogs to show myself and others how idiotic that behavior is, to measure the progression of my adventurous journey into a "normal" life.

Many of those posts have been buried deep in my blogs, some remain on Yahoo 360, waiting to be brought back to life . . . and they will . . . the entire story needs to be told. I need to go back periodically and see the really bad times so I can appreciate the progress.

It is so easy to sit back and be a victim of life circumstances . . . the difficult part is healing from whatever got you there. In my case, "friends and loved ones" did not agree with my methods and shunned me for being "strange" because I needed to be left alone at certain times, but abandoned me when I needed them. Isn't love, compassion and friendship about understanding a fellow human being's needs when they are hurting?

As a result of compounded emotions, the feeling of betrayal in the midst of dealing with the grief of death, I'm fearful of being myself with anyone who wants to get close to me . . . they will also think that I am "strange" for living this hermit lifestyle that has suited me fine as I healed from a myriad of emotions. It has all been along the path on my life's journey . . . bridges that needed to be crossed, even if they had to be burned once I was on the other side. I continue to have trust issues . . . and the positive aspect is that I have learned to deal with problems on my own.

Although I did not always deal with obstacles as well as I should have, I continued to pick myself up and attempt to move forward in my own way. It is the only way I know . . . one step at a time . . . one moment at a time . . . whatever it takes to get through it maintaining sanity.

All in all, I refuse to be a victim . . . I've never been a loser and will die trying to get myself back to the path of being a normal person again . . . even if I am alone for the rest of my life, I have embraced my solitude which has made me a stronger person. When and if I find that person who will become my significant other . . . that relationship will enhance the contentment in my life.

A couple of months after writing that post in 2008,

the course of the rest of my life changed when

The Captain came into my life.

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Pondering Restless Impatience

“Perhaps there is only one cardinal sin: impatience.
Because of impatience we were driven out of Paradise,
because of impatience we cannot return.”

Auden, W. H.

The noun has 3 meanings:

Meaning #1: a lack of patience; irritation with anything that causes delay
Synonym: restlessness

Meaning #2: a restless desire for change and excitement

Meaning #3: a dislike of anything that causes delay

If I sound like a broken record, it is because the record is stuck on the same song and plays on a continuous loop.  That is what life has felt like since our well water system broke down . . . we are in the midst of Week #4.

What came to mind was a post I wrote many years ago on my birthday.  I had the same restless impatience to get on with my life in a meaningful way, still not completely happy with myself and the progress I had made up to that point.

For totally different reasons, the emotion felt is best described as a "raging sense of powerlessness" . . . in other words, restlessness, anxiety and extreme impatience.  Obviously, from my birthday horoscope thingie on the following post, it is what is to be expected of myself . . . it is written in the stars!

In present time, there are many factors, however, the one that really hits home is "irritation with anything that causes delay".  The only thing that I have wanted to hear these past weeks is that "we have running water again."  

It is a quality of life kind of thing. 

The long awaited words have not come . . . only to be replaced by "well, this latest experiment has not worked."  Actually I could tell from The Captain's face, he didn't need to even say the words.  The poor guy has so much patience, perseverance and faith like I have never seen in my life.  He has been determined to save us a couple thousand dollars or so.

He's my hero! 

My irritation and bad feelings 

have nothing to do with him!

As it turns out, he has figured out what the problem is, we have the money to fix it and in a few days, we should have running water again.  

The changes I have gone through in these few weeks have amazed me.  I have written about them and none too happy with myself for being so impatient.

Having said that . . . my behavior and attitude has been much better than I ever expected for myself.  For me, exceeding my own expectations is an amazing thing since I am always so rough on myself.

Everything in life happens for a reason!

The following post found me with that same feeling since I could see life passing me by as I became another year older . . .

The following post was

 originally published

on August 14, 2008

Ohhhhhhh today I'm feeling the raging sense of powerlessness . . . or is it just in the stars?

Today is my birthday . . . ok, hence the raging sense of powerlessness . . . becoming a year older is not a happy thought as it was when I was a teenager and wanted so bad to be an adult. I'm exhibiting "pewter power" and allowing my silver streaks to show . . . an all too visual reminder of becoming older.

Whatever . . . here is the meaning of my birthdate and there is the gruesome twosome . . . impatience and restlessness . . . 

- August 14 -
You are very independent and fearless. You have a lot of pride in yourself, and have confidence that you can do anything you put your mind to.
Positive Traits: cooperative, versatile, organized, analytical, curious
Negative Traits: impatience, restlessness, rebellious, irresponsible, breaking promises

Maybe it is just a restless desire for change and excitement!
God knows I have earned it . . .
I'm another year older and life is passing me by :(

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