You will never know how much having love in your life means to you until you have lost it. Losing it suddenly puts you in a "strange box" of shock and disbelief that is difficult to get out of, leaving you broken in a million pieces. It left me feeling like such a freak of nature. At least that is how it was for me. It didn't get better as time moved on, it just changed.
This morning I was thinking about what my world was like without love compared to now that I have found love. Those thoughts took me back to a post I wrote many years ago that goes back to a transitional place in time between needing solitude and needing companionship and love.
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED SEPTEMBER 2007
My quest to find love came two years after JR died. I needed love at the two year mark . . . like that broken window, I could see my blindness and it was like the light of my life was turned on again.
Although I was surrounded by friends anytime I wanted to be, I had locked myself into a dark room refusing to come out and live life. I will never cry that much in my life again . . . it was a living hell. I had turned cold, like a robot, not wanting to feel, not wanting to talk, not wanting to see the light . . . the darkness of my bedroom sitting in my comfy recliner with music playing was all I needed.
Sure, I went through the motions of being social and hanging out with friends . . . but sometimes it is worse to be lonely in a room full of people than being alone with your thoughts and the ability to cry when you want to if that is what you need to do. That is when I retreated back to my dark room, it is how I could cope and adjust to everything I was dealing with at the time. I lost many friends who gave up on me for being anti-social and judging me for not "getting over it" . . . were they really friends?
There is one thing that I have learned in life . . . people who have not walked in your shoes will never understand that dealing with a problem, it doesn't matter what it is . . . takes a different approach for different people and varying amounts of time. Who is the "be all to end all" that decided what those time limits are? For me . . . the answer is God . . . everything happens in God's time for his reasons.
First thing I did was put in a personals profile on an online dating service. I met and dated a professional guy who was very nice, financially secure, looking for a wife . . . wanted to settle down NOW. My life would have been set with this man . . . I was perfect for him. A professional guy needs a partner who loves to entertain, knows how to throw a party, mingle with people and cook for an army. After a month, he was making plans on selling my house so I could move in with him. WOW . . . he was moving fast. I was still building trust and friendship . . . and trying to find just a little spark of chemistry. In the end, I frustrated the hell out of that poor man, but it showed me that I was not ready for that type of relationship although I still needed love.
Then I became emotionally attached to someone on the other side of the world through the magic of Yahoo Messenger, web cams and telephones. The mistakes I have made with an online relationship was allowing myself to have feelings for someone who is so far away that they may as well live on the other side of midnight. The way it will work for me is to not have expectations since meeting someone online and getting to know them gradually is perfect for me. I'm still not ready for the traditional way of dating. I have "dated" three guys the traditional way and it does not work for me at this time.
What does love mean to me?
One of my friends has a saying that I love so much . . . two hearts collide and melt into each other's soul . . . that is what love means to me. Being a part of another person, facing life together as partners, experiencing good times and bad supporting each other. Love means the end of loneliness, the end of fear of being alone, security, the sense of belonging and the awesome feeling of the caring and nurturing of another person.
JR's death taught me of importance of maintaining one's individuality at the time . . . I didn't do that with him . . . I was part of a couple . . . not Gina the individual who was JR's life partner.
Right now, I will admit that I am in a self-imposed sentimental prison . . . it is where I need to be to get past some other problems that need to be addressed. I'm not going out looking for someone to love, I'm not even going out casually to make new friends. It is not the right time for me.
These lyrics . . . "driving into town tired and depressed, like a flare the streetlight bursts an s.o.s., peace comes to my rescue and i don't know what it means . . . i need love" . . .
What is the peace that will come to my rescue? That is the answer to one of the biggest questions in my life . . . and I'll know what it is when I find it . . . when God delivers it to me in whatever form he wants.
i left my conscience like a crying child
locked the door behind me put the pain on file
broken like a window i see my blindness now
i need love
not some sentimental prison
i need god
not the political church
i need fire
to melt this frozen sea inside me
i need love
driving into town tired and depressed
like a flare the streetlight bursts an s.o.s.
peace comes to my rescue and i don't know what it means
i need love
